Advice for the 2013 Graduates

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Dear Graduates,

For you, on this special day (and including those of you who graduated last weekend, or whatever), I’d like to take some time to impart wisdom I’ve learned in my own years since graduation. Is it cliche? Sure! Is it easy content for a bolg on a holiday weekend? YOU BETCHA.

But hopefully you’ll find some pearls that will aid you as you enter the next, likely much less enjoyable, phases of your life. So sit back, relax, and try not to think about the crushing amount of student loan debt that’s already putting you at a disadvantage.

• If you’re graduating from college, pretty much all the fun in your life is over. I’m sorry, but I owe it to you to be blunt. You’ll still have the weekends, though!
• Actually, go to grad school (non-MBA, unless you can get into a top 10 school). Like, open a new browser window and start applying to UCLA, Northwestern, and Stanford RIGHT NOW. Focus on location and alumni networks.
  
  
• If you can at all afford it (and probably even if you can’t), go on some epic trip with your friends. Also take a lot of pictures of yourself in exotic locales wearing ZWR apparel, and send them to you favorite bolging penguin.
  

Comparing Pete Orr and Michael Martinez

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With Chase Utley headed to the disabled list, the Phils faced a decision: who to call up to fill the utility infielder role? Conventional wisdom had it down to two options- Michael Martinez and Pete Orr. Here's ZWR's analytical analysis analyzing the situation (analytically):

OFFENSE

Orr:
With a career OPS of .621, Orr clearly surpasses Martinez's output (yeah, think on that). In the small sample/what have you done for me lately department, Orr hit .315 for the Phils in 57 plate appearances in 2012.

HATE MAIL

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It took a few months, but they found me. I don't know how, frankly. It took just the right person with just the right combination of seething, misplaced rage, low-functioning lateral thinking skills and lack of satirical detection abilities. But he found me. And for that, today we rejoice.

Behold, an email I received this morning from a gentleman, in response to yesterday's completely absurd and self-deprecating "Health Tips for Ryan Howard" article for Philly.com.

Enter AngryFace McGee:

Yo whoever you're hiding behind your phony name and computer. What a classless piece of garbage you conjured up today. Here's what you ought to do, go right to Howard's face and repeat this b.s. You have no clue what Ryan Howard does to with his body or puts in his body but yet you think that your wise-assed disrespectful nonsense has any validity? I guess i could have stopped at you have no clue though huh pal? I guess we can expect to read about how Chase Utley could stay on the field more and actually be productive as opposed to the myth that people like you create for him if he were to curtail his drinking right? No way. You clowns are too busy lighting candles for him and making up excuses for his poor play. Rule number one of the local media, never speak ill of golden boy Chase Utley but take every cheap shot you can at Howard and Jimmy Rollins. But I digress. Once again have the stones to say this garbage to the man's face little fella. I guess it's much esier to hide behind an alias and a computer though isn't it? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Glorious. This guy totally gets it. I may print a copy of this and mail it up the basement steps to my Mom.

Haircut Party!!!

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Always on hand to break the big scoops, Philly.com producer and The Fightins ace reporter Justin reported yesterday that Freddy Galvis, John Mayberry, Jr., and Ben Revere stopped in (along with Marcell Ozuna) to get haircuts at Miami's Original Headz Up Barber Shop while in town to play the fish. I think you'll find their choices tasteful and stylish.

5/22/13 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Game Recap

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"Cliff Lee threw a three-hit, complete game shutout and had two singles... whatever."