Sunday, February 28, 2010

A Quick Note for Roy

Hey Roy, it's ZWR. Listen, I am not available on Saturday, August 7th. I know that would have worked relatively well for you, as y'all (we) play the Mets at 7:05 and it would have been a nice little lead-in to a rivalry game, but I have a prior commitment that I really can't ditch. Thanks for understanding.

I hope you have a nice day, maybe watch the USA v. Canada game. Bye!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Here's a picture, with Roy Halladay loving some penguins. The baby is his favorite.

Pontification, in B♭ Major (a hearty guffaw at your tenuous ruminations)

by Caviar McWharton, ZWR guest contributor

Basel II? You're citing as a symptom of the decline of American Republic Basel II? My good fellow, I dare say I know more about Basel II than anyone else in this family and I vociferously assure you that Basel II, while perhaps an impediment to the tee times of the fellows who work on Wall Street or across the pond on Canary Wharf, is not a net negative. At worst it rivals the capriciousness and vapidity that Messrs. Sarbanes and Oxley enacted on the American Public in the form of the 'Public Company Accounting Reform and Investor Protection Act' but that would be to amalgamate a metaphor rendering the poor similitude unrecognizable.

It escapes my comprehension, good sir, why you would seek to elect someone to devise an alternative to Basel II or similar financial regulations. No, while democracy has its place – the election of Presidents, Governors, American Idols, etc., not everything is destined for public referendum due to the duration of ballot procedures and John Everyman’s exceedingly tenuous grasp of international credit review standards. Instead, I suggest those with a political science degree sit quietly pondering the influence of Schumpeter on European heterodox economists and let the adults have at it.


"If you haven't followed @ZooWithRoy or read the blog, you're missing out." -- Bill Baer of Crashburn Alley

"Your blog is blowing up!"
With press and media attention like this, it's easy to see why Fast Company once called I Want to Go to the Zoo With Roy Halladay, "The greatest blog dedicated to visiting a zoo with a former Blue Jays pitcher on the internet today, but don't quote us on that."

"Zoo With Roy (ZWR)" offers your business the unique opportunity to reach some of the biggest donkeys on the internet. With nearly 800 unique visitors from three countries (including Australia), 69 followers on Twitter, a Facebook fan group with two members, and $0.24 of ad revenue, there scarcely exists a better venue for an organization to spread its online marketing message.

Banner ads, provided you can make your own*, can be had for as low as $500 per year. Zoos, naturally, receive a special discount. Incredibly wealthy or fiscally irresponsible folks who simply want to give us money are also welcome. All proceeds will be applied to mortgage and/or daycare payments--as ZWR staff are apparently (and in some cases, surprisingly) virile--in addition to
nag-free Vegas trips** and blog conventions.

But anyway, advertising. Think about it. Also don't forget to inquire about original, one-of-a-kind MS Paint artwork, which can be commissioned for the most economical of budgets. We don't have an e-mail address, so leave us a note in the comments.

* can create a banner ad for sponsors at the production rate of $75 per hour; total labor not to exceed 17 hours total. Political Action Committees are required to provide necessary documentation. AARP members eligible for a 10% discount.

** What, you thought Pai Gow poker chips just magically re-appeared when you were out?! Yeah, so did we until the first time we got thrown out of MGM Grand.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

"Doors Opening" - Some April 5 Info

Since I'm located in the DC area, I want to, as best I can, give the loyal folks coming down for the Season Opener (Roy Halladay's first complete game as a Phillies) some tips on getting to the stadium, where to get drunked, etc.

This is only slightly compromised by the fact that I don't really know a ton about this place. However, I do know the Metro (which rules), and a bar with twelvity billion beers that's at a station you need. As such, the first in what may or may not be a series of information for those of you making the trip...

Monday, February 22, 2010

So apparently Jayson Werth arrived in Clearwater today looking a little...different

Although he didn't want to talk about it, Wertz's (lack of) personal grooming was the mane event.

Dancing Penguins: Spring Training Jayson Werth Epic Beard Man Edition

Is that Harry Leroy Halladay III, J-Roll and Into-The-Wild-Werth as dancing penguins, you ask? Hell yeah it is. No no. It's okay, don't say anything. You're welcome.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Rattle the SABRs

You may or may not know this, but I've long taken a Sabermetrician's approach to the game. At the same time, I put a lot of stock in anecdotal recollection and personal bias. In relation to this insanely successful blog's even more successful subject, I've spent some time of late developing a pitching rating to quantify, in layman's terms, "awesomeness (exclusive of defense or playing on a donkey team) combined with want-to-go-to-the-zoo-with-ability". I call it the GROwL ©. It's in Beta testing, but so far here's a sampling of the output's leaders (followed by an explanation of the calculation).

Halladay, PHI, 3.96
Lincecum, SF, 1.82
Hamels, PHI, 1.76
Padilla, LAD, 1.36
Santana, NYM, #DIV/0!

GROwL = (5.472 - 12.9(SO*HBP)) + (BABIP - (.3)(ERA+))/(3.713(GBIP))/PA)+(W/W3)/VORP^2 / How much I want to see penguins eat lunch with him

The results, naturally, shouldn't come as a surprise.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


It's common knowledge that Red Pandas are the most internet savvy of all arboreal mammals.

Like Ursus Americanus Floridanus emerging from hibernation

It's been a long winter. Roy hungry.

(pic humbly borrowed from Todd Zolecki of fame)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

If I Ran The Zoo

If I ran the zoo, here's just what I'd do
Here's just what I'd do I swear it is true
I'd load it with Boppling Jangle Cabupleys
Fill all the cages with Groundballjimmytoutleys
The ponds would be flowing with Wertzes Ferplowerds
Little Flywaii'ans and Popozohowards
But most special of all, to each girl and each boy
Is that this zoo, our zoo, would have in it a Roy

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Brand New! Artist's Rendering of Roy Halladay Visiting a Zoo in Clearwater, Florida

Note: photo has been manipulated from its original form. Neither huge elephants or baby emperor penguins are indigenous to western Florida.


Between the ages of 9 and 22, I got to experience one winning season (1993 ftw) by the Phils. While I was in college, we had a .443 winning percentage. I'm not trying to be a sad donkey, just woke up with some perspective subsequently aided by seeing Jay Z on the television this morning before NAG NAG NAG turned on the Food Network. So here's where I am right now, positivity McGee sipping his Whole Foods coffee: this NL East Champs -> NL East Champs + NL Champs (owning the Dodgers in the process) + wFc -> NL East Champs + NL Champs (owning the Dodgers in the process) + man up showing in World Series -> GETTING ROY HALLADAY stretch is like Jay Z showing up to one of my best friend's annual summer parties- and bringing his own beer.

Buoyed by this optimism, this appreciation, this sense of "we are capable of this, and will do this"... I am unable to think that I won't get to hang out at Bear Country with Harry Leroy Halladay III this summer. We're the Phillies!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

A Pensive Seal!

So Pensive...


Wait, what

The Snow Made Me Do It


Roy and Zoowithroy- ear muffed, shy- stroll with a seeming aimlessness on a cold, snowy day. The wintry Philadelphia sky surrounding them is gray, though has a life to it. Their pace slows, as dictated by Doc. He stops in front of CARNIVORE KINGDOM, where tigers languish amongst the intermingled whiteness, and turns to ZWR.

Roy: “You know, I was wondering, like, (pause) what do you think you’re doing for like the next 40 or 50 years?"

ZWR: "What do you mean?"

Roy: "I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind marrying me very much.”

ZWR: "What'cha say?"

(Roy pulls at one of ZWR's ear muffs)

Roy: "If you wouldn't mind marrying me too much?"


As they walk off camera, Roy yells to the tigers and laughs. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

This panda is PUMPED.

He's all like, "omigod, omigod, omigod, I hope Roy Halladay comes to vist MY zoo too! woooooo eeeeeee!!!"

Monday, February 8, 2010

Top 3 Superbowl commercials featuring zoo animals

3. The one with the killer whale in the back of a pickup truck
I have no idea what this commercial was selling, but I distinctly remember an orca flying out of the back of a truck at high speed. While the standard zoo does not have aquatic life, we'll consider Sea World a zoo for the purposes of this exercise. I could totally imagine Roy getting all drenched by Shamu XXIII or whatever while we're sitting in the "splash zone". His cotton candy will be totally ruined!

2. Chickens screaming for thirty straight seconds
I have no idea what this commercial was selling, but I do remember a bunch of a chickens wearing people clothing screaming obnoxiously, as though this is going to somehow get me to buy their cell phone or whatever. Technically I don't think there are any chickens in a normal zoo either, but there are turkey vultures! I'll bet they're real boring to look at, unless you happen to be wearing a neon glow necklace and hanging out with Roy Halladay.

1. The one with the midget Kiss band
LOL, midgets! Always good for major league lulz. And just imagine midgets in a zoo! Wouldn't it be great if society's little people were marginalized; their lives put on display so the rest of us could have a laugh?! Oh, wait. What? We've done that joke already? Dammit. Oh well I'm not rewriting this blog post.

There you have it. The definitive list of best Superbowl commercials featuring zoo animals. Share it on Facebook or Friendster with your pals, relatives, co-workers, and other donkey acquaintances who you wouldn't mind letting know that you read a blog about visiting the zoo with Roy Halladay. They'll totally think you're cool.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Reaching Out

The following is what will ideally be the introduction to a fruitful discussion concerning Roy Halladay's zoological preferences and affinities- an email that I sent to our friends at the Toronto Zoo. Let's hope they can help us out. Once I hear back I'll post for all.
Hello. I'm writing today with a quick inquiry, though- in the interest of full disclosure- as the editor of a wildly successful (169 unique visitors) blog revolving around my interest in going to the zoo with Roy Halladay ( As everyone knows, Doc spent more than a decade in, and was revered by, the city of Toronto. My question to you, and I'd be thrilled with any help you could offer, mind you, is as such: Did Roy go to the zoo? Frequently?
P.S. You're Tundra Trek exhibit looks really cool. If I'm up there any time soon I'll surely check it out.


Woot. This is awesome. Not as awesome as it will be eating popcorn with Roy Halladay and looking at a Micronesian kingfisher on a pleasantly breezy summer day, but awesome nonetheless.

(Thanks to The Fightins)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Why We're Going to the Philadelphia Zoo

I live in the DC area, and love the fact that there are so many free resources available to residents and tourists alike, but, I'm just saying, you kind of get that library computer lab dynamic a little more than you'd generally prefer. Tai Shan, a panda born and raised at the National Zoo, left for China today. As part of its coverage, the Post featured some folks who... hell I don't know what to call it. Here, look:
Nguyen has photographed Tai Shan many times, 1,500 shots on a good day, 200 when things were slow. Weekends. Days off. Vacations. For four years, since right after he was born, she has been one of his most zealous fans -- entranced by his life, and how it illuminated hers.
Wednesday, the last day for the public to see Tai Shan, was wrenching for Nguyen and other hard-core devotees -- people who have haunted the panda house for four years, filled their homes with panda artifacts and taken tens of thousands of panda pictures.
Many were inconsolable as zoo security officers ushered them out of the panda house at 4:30 p.m. "A piece of me is being ripped away," said a distraught Christie Harper of Derwood. "Tai is one of a kind. There's never going to be another bear like him."
Walking down the curving wet sidewalk, others wept and embraced as if they had lost a loved one.
 Can you imagine bringing Roy Halladay to this freak show? Me, neither. Yeesh.

And this, too...

Zookeeping and the Art of Mustache Maintenance

Recently I was compiling research for a multi-million dollar consulting project on behalf of large global conglomerate when I happened upon the Wikipedia entry for one Harry Leroy Halladay III. As I often do with regard to most open and/or crowd-sourced efforts, I automatically assumed 90% of everything on his this so called web site was absolute useless low brow dreck. But on this particular day, something caught my eye.

While skimming the poorly written section titled, "Approach to Pitching" I almost got sick when I read the following:

In an interview with The Globe and Mail, Halladay noted that overusing his cutter in 2006 caused some discomfort towards the end of the season...
My God, is Roy capable of feeling pain?!

Was his technique anything but flawless? Was I sold a bill of goods? How could this be? Is he not the so called horse I was led to believe? Immediately my pulse began to race as I imagined our hero writhing in pain, his season ended with a stint to the DL, the hopes of billions of Phillies fans permanently crushed. But most importantly--I worried about this blog. Would an arm injury for Roy preclude him from visiting the zoo with us? Anxiety turned to sheer panic.

Luckily, I held back the bile long enough to read the next sentence:

In 2007, Halladay regained confidence in his cutter, crediting his catcher Sal Fasano for suggesting a grip change.
Instantly I could breath easier. Knowing that Roy had fixed any absurdly unlikely imperfections in his pitching mechanics made me feel whole again. And even better, it was Phillie cult legend Sal Fasano that helped Roy in his darkest hour.

Putting the man in fu manchu.

Once again, this blog began to feel like destiny.

Especially after a routine Google search for "What zoo animal does Sal Fasano most resemble" turned up the following:

The quote of the day came from new catcher Sal Fasano, who joined his seventh major league team in six years:

“You’re just an animal sometimes, and you go from zoo to zoo.”

Indeed, Sal. Indeed.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Roy Halladay, A Woman's Perspective

So last night I was laying in bed watching Charlie Rose with the better half, and asked her what she thought about the Phils' chances this year, particularly in light of the acquisition of our hero. Here's what I remember of her reply: "Nag nag nag nag nag nag hair straightener nag nag nag nag nag nag invitation nag nag nag nag nag chamomile." Good talk.

Roy Halladay had nine complete games last year. Monkey Junction is home to both black and white-bellied spider monkeys.
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