Monday, May 31, 2010

Holiday Greetings

The little guy was so juiced about his first official holiday as part of the family that he uploaded a pic of himself to lolcats and made you all a card. He's very excited (the long weekend, opening the ZWR pool, BBQ, only a few AP tests left to take (fingers crossed on that one, ha!) and then a wide open summer, etc.), and we do of course wish all of you a great day. Have fun and be well.

Oh, and he also says "Let's Go Flyers!"

Saturday, May 29, 2010

So Perfect. 5.29.10



AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee

The Mabel Report (May- Confessions of an Adopted Philly Fan)

The following is the second of what we hope to be many Mabel Reports; you can re-read the first here. It was submitted following the Flyers' win in game 5, and I thought it best to hold off on posting until now- the morning of game one. Enjoy!

After the Flyers game tonight, I went out (though sadly not to party on Broad Street as I am still in Texas  for another week). When I came home, I read Twitter and Facebook, as I usually do. A friend had posted this:
24 hours later and I'm still thinking about, and feeling moved by, the LOST finale. I think that means it did its job.
I'm a media scholar (or at least an aspiring one). I value statements like this, because I value media and culture and what they reveal about us as a society and what our cultural investments reveal about us as individuals. I value statements like this, and investments like this, even if I personally place less value in Lost specifcally. Yet however much I value Lost (or Mad Men, which was part of my thesis and the last year-plus of my academic work, or Friday Night Lights which I genuinely adore) academically or intellecutally, I value statements like this in a completely different way: 
I cried. I don't care if it makes me a dork. I love this team.
Coming home last night, another friend had posted this. I value statements like this perhaps more because they touch me on a far more personal level. Statements like this, teams like this, cities like this, fan bases like this, blogs like this. They move me. It may seem like a silly thing to say about a site about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay, but alot of people would say its a silly thing to say about a TV show too. 

Though I study television programming, and I love TV, I am not a fan of television. I am not a fan of any television show, at least not in terms of the extratextual investment that has come to define fandom and the media studies subfield of fandom. I do not write fan fiction, or make fan vids. I don't go to conventions. I do not write reviews of the shows I watch or visit message boards. It is not because I find that activity frivolous or meaningless, I just don't partake. Yet on an April afternoon, I took my Curriculm Vitae (in academia we don't have resumes) and made it into a job application for a bolg (not even a blog!) about going to the zoo with Roy Halladay.  My personal investments are not in the television shows I study (though I do invest many hours worth of time and energy into the shows I study). My personal investments are in Philadelphia sports teams (though I do invest intellectual time and academic energy into sports). 24 hours later, I will not be thinking about Lost, or even a show I like more than Lost. 24 hours later, I will be thinking about, and like ZWR, I will be feeling moved by, the Flyers and the city of Philadelphia.

In 2008, I left Philadelphia with my partner who was born and raised in the city and the surrounding counties. He had never left the area for more than a few days before and yet he moved to Austin, Texas with me (or for me). It wasn't easy here. It never got easy or even easier here... for him or really for me. That Fall, however, the Phillies went to and won the World Series. Yes he was angry that after 20+ years of fandom, they only won once he left. Yet it was that World Series victory that from 1,700 miles away showed me that the Phillies could be and would be my team too. That they were our team. That Philly was my home even if I didn't live there anymore. Even if I didn't grow up there.

Now, two years later. The Flyers are priming me to come home-- and it is not easy for me to admit that anywhere might be home. My dad grew up a New York Giants fan in the fifties. I grew up a Hartford Whalers fan in the nineties. And yet as much as I love the Giants, as much as I love the Whalers, they have never for a second given me the feeling of investment, the feeling of home, the feeling of being moved that the Phillies or the Eagles or the Flyers have given me. If I believed in that kind of thing, I might believe that the Flyers or Roy (or maybe ZWR?) were kismet, offering me something when I needed it most, offering me a connection to a place that I'm still not sure that I get to call home, but that I increasingly realize I need to call home.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Subfamily Accipitrinae, Genus Accipiter

ZWR: Dude I'm kinda scared of hawks.

Roy: Like, just hawks or all mean birds?

ZWR: Well, yeah...all of them. But we're looking at a hawk now.

Roy: You confuse me. Hey, you think he likes hot dogs?!

ZWR: Are you for real?

Roy: Ohmygod he totally does--look, he just turned his head. You want a hot dog Mr. Scary Hawk?!


Roy: HA! He's totally going to eat you. I mean, that makes sense.

ZWR: I'm getting some popcorn.



It's been long enough, yo--so let's name the little guy. I figure this way when you go to visit you can have it on the ready as you sing a capella Shins covers, sneak him bagel bites, and tell about the time uncle Meech went on a hunger strike. Bonus: people will look at you like you're some kind of awesome zoo insider... or something like that.

These names came from the people, are of the people--so I'm pretty certain we got this.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

In Loving Memory: February 22, 2010 - May 27, 2010

Friends, readers, bloggers, Twitterers, Ryan Lawrence:

We are gathered here tonight to honor the memory of a great friend. A true hero; a revolutionary. A legend. We're all sad that it had to end this way, but perhaps this is the way it was meant to be. I'm not much for mushy speeches, so I'll leave you all now, and simply request that you prominently display this patch in loving memory of our shorn compatriot.

ZWR EXCLUSIVE (7 hours later): We Have Infiltrated the Rockies Clubhouse


Earlier this month, lovable nutjob ZWR reader Dave sent Jim Tracy one of our "Stinks to be You" shirts (which, as luck would have it, you can still get by clicking on the ZWR store link!).

Last night, Denver Post beat writer and ZWR enthusiast Troy Renck noted that Ryan Spilborghs had the same shirt hanging in his locker!

Yes, please, Troy Renck. I love you even more now that I know Jim Tracy is your background. But seriously, dude. Pics?!

Troy Renck can't be bothered with your 140 character limit, Twitter


  • Did Spilborghs steal-borgh Jim Tracy's shirt, or order his own (Because, for real, I don't know how to open shirt orders or anything like that to see who bought stuff)?
  • Are other Rockies players actually responsible for opening Jim Tracy's mail?
  • Do they steal from him often?
  • Does Jim Tracy think he's too good for a ZWR shirt?!

  • Is Troy Renck going to take a picture of the shirt for us? What Would Ryan Lawrence Do?
I'm not upset, mind you, if any of these are the case. You know why? Because, hey, free publicity for the bolg--and, like Jim Tracy:

"We don't cry here [at ZWR]. I want to make that clear right now. We work very hard."


Our bond is now just that much stronger.

*cue Joe Cocker*

Winnie is the Keith Law of hot celebrities. GROwL, indeed.

Ohai! Bolg Email

Lots of good emails come in, and each is appreciated, but the following hit all the right notes and made me incredibly happy on what wasn't the best of days:

Hey ZWR!

Check out this amazing dare-devil penguin I saw when I was driving on the Vine Street Expressway. Maybe he can inspire the Phils to be more devil-ish with their bats! Awesome bolg you got goin. I showed it to my mom and she now only refers to Werth as "Wertz", calls me a donkey, and almost wet herself from laughter after reading the first "NAG NAG NAG" post.

Keep up the good work! GO PHILS!

ZWR reader Pete

Notice the safe following distance

So here's what just cracked me up, picture along:

Pete's Mom: OMG Wertz is up next!!!
Pete: Only if overpaid Howard doesn't make an out.
Pete's Mom: Dude you're such a donkey.

Right? Thanks Pete's Mom, you rule!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Jimmy Rollins DL Update

According to anonymous TSA sources, while boarding a Clearwater-bound flight today at Philadelphia International Airport, the recently re-injured shortstop was said to be traveling with, "[A] lot more gels, lotions and liquids than we're supposed to permit, by law. But we let it slide. It's cool. It's J-Roll, dog, he's gotta keep it tight."

At press time, ZWR was unable to confirm whether Rollins was asked to remove his flip-flops and place them on the x-ray conveyor belt, or whether a donkey in front of him forgot to remove a laptop, thereby disrupting the otherwise smooth and pleasant TSA process.

Roy Halladay Is Likely Going To Break Faces In His Next Start

"Man, unlike any other thing organic or inorganic in the universe, grows beyond his work, walks up the stairs of his concepts, emerges ahead of his accomplishments."

In the midst of an afternoon partly spent floating and then otherwise aimless it was nice to see the following Twitter note from the only alumnus of a top-five graduate journalism program to beg me for free t-shirts:

Everything about that is affirming (not to mention charming due to the humor in the "athlete v. non-athlete" visual of the schlubby (sorry Ryan) reporters being forced to shrug themselves out of the way- as they get off of an elevator no less- while Halladay, without distraction, ever-intent, dashes past): it's the middle of the day, he's already worked himself hard yet still sprints, it's all happening in an empty ballpark... just the perfect image to speak to what makes Roy Halladay special. Most would find it difficult to anticipate his not bouncing back from the Boston start when you merely take into account the track record of the pitcher; it is even harder to do so when you know the ethic behind the talent.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

KUNG FU BO STAFF BEAR, an ass-kicking ZWR off-topic

(in case you watched the "Phillies" tonight, and in case you haven't seen this already and watched it 11 times in a row like I just did, consider this a cleanse)

Yes, please, to the zomfg power:

Update: ZWR has officially extended a lucrative offer for Kung Fu Donatello Ninja Bear to perform at the first annual I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay banquet and awards dinner gala extravaganza event (IWTGTTZWRHBADGEE). (Strangely, his agent is So Taguchi, so I think we may have a shot.

I'll Bet He Has Dashboard Confessional on his iPod

Roy: We need to get him a "Cuttered" shirt

ZWR: Oh, man...

Roy: What?!

ZWR: You don't think that's in poor taste?

Roy: Dude, he's an emu. An emo emu!

ZWR: No, I got it.

Roy: You're such a dork. What are you nine years old eating cotton candy?

ZWR: An emo emu, get it!

Roy: Whatever. Go draw a donkey... donkey!

ZWR: Okay now that one was good.

You're Welcome, Stewart Bradley

click for big

See also: Brent Celek's Twitter Background

Monday, May 24, 2010

O Captain! My Captain! (Fanciful ZWR off-topic)

Pics from Getty

Everyone click an ad or buy a t-shirt, I need tickets to Lord Stanley's final tournament round. No but seriously. Someone. Please. I need tickets. Okay?

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (5.23.10 vs. Red Sox)

Well that blew.

Moving On
Hey, since yesterday's game was so painful, we decided to re-introduce some happies by making this new jawn, which the bolg will go ahead and confidently declare the official shirt of Section 104.

The Stat King Loves ZWR, Reads It Every Day, Tells Everyone About "This HILARIOUS Bolg", and Cracks Up at the MS Paints

Yo, no lie 321,000 followers... he must have adopted a tiger

Sunday, May 23, 2010

HAPPY HALLADAY! (It's Actually Sunday)

I hope you enjoyed last night, the Red Sox. 

Interleague edition, yo (photo:

And if you're going to the game today, don't forget to dress appropriately...


Feud Ended
I am no longer able to sustain the long-standing, bitter rivalry that has existed between myself and Todd Zolecki (stemming from Zo's refusal to buy me my funnel cake). I do not appreciate the effort it takes to harbor such aggressive animosity, and I've come to realize it all so futile. You're surely imagining as I am Settembrini in the field, pistols drawn between he and Naphta, firing his shot instead into the sky. This is the correct outcome. 

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Saturday Stuff Thing- ZWR In The Wild, Charity, Names?

Yo. So which Phillies alum turned studio fancypants would be cool enough to see some young ladies in ZWR shirts at a game the other night and be all, "whoa what are that?!" Yup, Ricky Bottalico. So it happened to two of my favorite readers (Meghan and Kelly Christine), who were resourceful enough to get a picture of the encounter for the bolg. And while Meghan shows her excitement by dozing off as it's being taken, I still appreciate the effort.

Wuzzup. This how we do. Yes, we do read James Beale.

Give Them Money if You Have Any Extra, Please
I mentioned this on the twitter last night, but felt it needed specific bolg attention: ZWR enthusiast Birm works with Career Wardrobe, a non-profit that helps women, on a host of levels, to transition into the professional world. It really is amazing... so much so that Jamie Moyer and Jayson Werth (sic) got in on the act. Please, please, please at the very least check it out, and if you're fortunate enough to be able to contribute consider doing so. Thanks. Oh, and she even drew this cute MS Paint for us:

Naming the Red Panda
So now that we've adopted the little guy we need to name him! For some reason, I'm not feeling "Roy", seems too... obvious(?), and not creative enough. The leader for the moment is "Pop Tart", because that's his favorite food, but I'm not ready to commit just yet. Why don't you donkeys leave some (more) suggestions below in the comments if you have them? Thanks.

"Rend Them with an Addendum"
I don't actually have an addendum, but had a dream last night the I was a professor and said that to my class, confusing the holy hell out of the students. Ainoes rite?

Friday, May 21, 2010


This is a bellwether day of sorts for the bolg, as it'll forever be that on which we brought a bit of the zoo to Zoo With Roy. It is with great pride and excitement that I share with you all-- the one thousand-plus twitterers and millions(ish) of readers without whom this never could have happened-- the Philadelphia Zoo ADOPTion certificate, and a face-breakingly adorable photo, of our very own red panda!

Yes, please

Are you ready?


Dude, you're the coolest I promise we'll be good parents and buy you pop tarts and let you stay up late to watch Roy pitch!!!


Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Phillies as Muppet Babies: The Definitive Guide

So did you finally get the Muppet Babies song out of your head? Sorry, but it's going back in, because this is a topic that needs to be revisited.

The charm of Muppet Babies, beside the notion of the Muppets as babies, was the emphasis placed on imagination. Granted, this isn't unique to the cartoon, though it does, I would argue, stick out as a show whose plots drove strictly to force on the power of fantasy. Proust speaks in Within a Budding Grove of the imagination that "bore us from the place in which we were living right to the very heart of a place we longed to see, in a single sweep which seemed miraculous to us not so much because it covered a certain distance as because it united two distinct individualities of the world, took us from one name to another," and it's arguably this sense of being swept to a place of longing that provides the parallels between Muppet Babies and sport that make it of interest (again, short of the brilliance of Muppets as babies) to the ZWR community.

As such, and without further ado, the guide:

Kermit = Chase
The stoic, no nonsense, often seemingly personality-less leader of the pack. Kermit wasn't the flashiest or the funniest, or even the cutest. But he was the best. The icon that will be remembered long after the others have been forgotten.

Beeker = Victorino

Seriously, is there another person on this planet who talks as fast and non-sensically as Shane Victorino? I mean, like, besides Beeker, if Beeker were actually real. It's too perfect. MEEP MEEEEEP no questions asked MEEEEEP. Meep meep meeep meep meep. MEEP!!!

Bunson Honeydew = Polanco

I know what you're thinking..."omg ZWR, that's hilarious because they both have gigantic melons for heads!" And you're right. But the comparison runs deeper than that. Both Polly and Bunson are cerebral masters of their respective crafts--each known for heads-up on-field and in-lab performances.

Rowlf = Sarge

Arguably the two coolest mofo's ever depicted on television. Sarge loves jazz. Rowlf plays jazz. And if you don't think that fully grown Rowlf drives a Cadillac Escalade with 22's, tinted windows and wood trim, well, I don't think you know your Muppets. And frankly, picturing Sarge with big furry, floppy ears really makes me laugh.

Animal = Wertz
If Wertz hadn't been born with an insane athletic pedigree, you just know he'd be a starving, touring-the-country-in-a-VW-van rock and roll drummer. And yeah, the overall furriness and crazy personality helps a little too. Wertz and Animal. Two iconic rock stars. Here's hoping that after this season, Wertz isn't "gooo bye-bye"

Fozzie = Jimmy
This was a difficult one and will likely be subject to much debate for years to come. But since I didn't see anyone else on the web writing a definitive guide to the Phillies as Muppet Babies, I made the executive decision on this. Jimmy is like Fozzie because he's always the guy that seems like he's trying to be funny. And sometimes those jokes just aren't well received. But, you'll say, we love Jimmy. And he isn't the annoying comedian telling stinkers, and he certainly never gets tomatoes thrown in his direction. But let me gently remind you, dear readers, that it was only two years ago that Young James called you all front runners on the Best Damn Sports Show. And why? Just so he could look cool and try to fit in with his funny friends on a TV show. It just hit you, I know. I'm a genius. You're welcome.

Wocka, wocka, wocka! (just kidding, we love you Jimmy)

Skooter = Cole / Skeeter = Heidi
We'll ignore the fact that Skooter and Skeeter were brother and sister on the show, and just comment that this one was otherwise too easy. Skooter: the sulking, always-near-tears nerd with lots of talent but no self-esteem. Skeeter: tomboy-ish (I mean come on, she lived in the jungle in her underwear for a month) and loyal to a fault.

Nanny = Charlie

"Well you know like I'm sorry Skooter son, like, you know like I just gonna have to take you out of the game because like damn son that damn dog keep falling out of your backpack and we can't have that I mean like this is the big leagues now try and keep it together."


  1. Where's Ryan Howard?!!?!
    Good question. But unfortunately (or fortunately, possibly), Big Brown is so rich that he actually didn't attend daycare with the Muppet Babies. He could afford a live-in Au Pair (likely an Eagles cheerleader) and private boarding schools.
  2. This blog is about Roy Halladay. Where is Roy? Little known fact. There was a Muppet Baby that matched up perfectly with Roy, but we never as viewers got to meet this character because he was always too busy working out in a separate room--running stairs, lifting, throwing bullpen sessions--all the while dreaming up new ways to break faces.
  3. What the hell?
    I know. I know.

Greetings From the Retreat

I told y'all I'd try to get a bobbleroy/donkey in a ZWR shirt/MS Paint-ish picture up on the old bolg, and that's exactly what I have for you this morning. You're so excited, right? I can't blame you. I mean, for real, look at RJ, all pointing and standing and having his hat on backwards and whatnot.

Oh, and did you see that the bobbleroys are going for like $30 to $50 on eBay? It's a goofy thought I only really half-care about the answer to, but who is it selling these? Folks who happened upon the game but don't like Roy Halladay? Hard to think there's a ton of them heading out on a crummy Tuesday night against the Pirates, and I refuse to acknowledge the possibility of anyone that doesn't dig Roy Halladay. Donkeys that buy tickets just to sell the doll? Seems like too much effort to make relatively little money. Oh, well. I'm intrigued. And for all of you who went because you love the Phils, and appreciate HLHIII, enjoying the fun little fellow in mid-cutter delivery right there on your desk while you check out or someone much more worthwhile: good for you. 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (5.19.10 vs. Pirates)

Folks- apologies, but I got called at the last minute to facilitate a corporate offsite about leveraging and synergizing emerging technologies in the global workplace. No time to write a true SRHPY. Real quick, though: HLHIII threw a complete game yesterday! He's so awesome.

Hope to have bobbledoc and fan pics later... if I can snag a dock in the lobby's business center.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Ian Laperriere Update (Surprisingly Enough... Related to Roy Halladay)

ZWR hockey correspondent Sarah Baicker reports that Flyers forward Ian Laperriere may be able to return to the team for Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals against the Montreal Canadiens. Laperriere, ever a battler and tremendously popular in the locker room, was injured more than a month ago when he stared directly at a Roy Halladay cutter during a joint Phillies/Flyers community event.

FAN ART, YO (cont'd)

Oh, man- this one's good. ZWR zealot David sent it in, and it has so many fun elements: David Wright's giant helmet, Wertz hijinx ("hikinx'd!"), superb teamwork, Harry the Penguin in a box, ZWR lingo... a true delight for us all in the form of a backdoor cutter.

Yes, Please

ADDITIONALLY, Lauren and Leigh were kind enough to pass along this photo, which they claim to be from Milwaukee, though I assume it to actually have been taken after about eleventeen Old Milwaukees. To be honest, I don't care about the details, because it's absolutely hilarious and features my favorite kind of piggy bank: THE BEARDED PIGGY BANK. For real, there can never be enough of this.

BPB... Head Asploded

You guys rule. Thanks, donkeys!

Monday, May 17, 2010

An Open Letter to the Philadelphia Zoo (and an update)

Dear the Philadelphia Zoo,

Hello. Welcome to, the country's most respected bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay. As noted in our earlier correspondence concerning the adoption of a red panda I dearly hope to be able to buy pop tarts, this all stems from a promotion run in cooperation with the Twitter known as Red Pandamonium Twitter Follow-and-Adopt-A-Thon. The breadth and gravity are impressive, I know. While I tend to assume you guys are all devotees, and apologize thusly for any potential redundancy, it's safer I hear to over-inform. Anyway, here's to hoping that the spirit of the event catches you, perhaps (hint hint) even spurring into conversation your more creative folks with a certain professional baseball club, with whom our stakeholders seem to think you have amiable relations (witness: the below).

Oh also I love your penguins they're so cute!

Senza Tema D'Infamia Ti Rispondo

Our IT Sleuthing department uncovered two Wednesdays ago this doozy, and it's rather remarkable- an excerpt from an iMeeting chat exchange between the Phillies and Blue Jays assistant general managers, held at some undisclosed time period this winter, concerning the negotiations of the eventual trade for Roy Halladay. For the sake of team privacy, we'll not reveal actual screen names (oh just go with it). Cue the ZWR "Exclusive" music...

[Blue Jays] So, what are you thinking here...
[Phillies] Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
[Blue Jays] I know, I know- Halladay. So what do we have?

[Phillies] Time for you and time for me, and time yet for a hundred indecisions, and for a hundred visions and revisions.
[Blue Jays] So you wanna throw a bunch of options out there? Who do you think we're talking?
[Phillies] So how should I presume?
[Blue Jays] I mean, you know what we need to get back/want...
[Phillies] And how should I presume?
[Blue Jays] Fine, play that game. Moving on. /omg chat joke what R U wearing?/
[Phillies] My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, my necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin.
[Blue Jays] LOL. Ok, brass tacks. And Amaro's alright with you handling the preliminary stuff?
[Phillies] Am an attendant lord, one that will do to swell a progress, start a scene or two, advise the prince.
[Blue Jays] Gotcha. Just wanted to be sure you could talk names. I'm thinking Brown, Taylor, Drabek, and Happ
[Phillies] That is not what I meant at all.
[Blue Jays] Fine, keep Happ. Brown, Taylor, and Drabek?
[Phillies] That is not it at all.
[Blue Jays] We're trading the face of our franchise, here. I'll be blunt: we need a haul. The fans and media will kill us!
[Phillies] There will be time, there will be time to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet.
[Blue Jays] *Sigh* This isn't going anywhere. I have to run, anyhow. Let's meet up for dinner down in Clearwater- meet me at that bar down by the water?
[Phillies] I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Red Pandamonium Update

As you all know by now, Red Panamonium was a big success. Quick update on where things stand: the zoo has been contacted, and I explained the whole deal to them. Waiting to hear back. Will update as things progress. This is so cool.

Wait, So Roy Halladay Is Capable Of Getting Better?

Wah Waah Waaah decided we should get up at six this morning, and so we did. While waking up at a time that not so long ago I'd be heading to bed sounds incredibly not fun to youngsters... well, no, it kind of stunk. But I did stumble across this article by Matt Gelb, which thrilled me. Roy Halladay breaking noses, eyes, mouths, cheeks and associated facial components off with a new pitch? Ainoes Rite?!
In 2009, Halladay threw his change-up 4.6 percent of the time, according to pitch data from Baseball Info Solutions. In 2010, Halladay has used the change-up for 13.1 percent of his total pitches... Halladay's 1.59 ERA this season is the lowest of his career through eight starts.
"That's not fair."

So, yeah, that's pretty great. Oh, and lastly this bit: the whole eternal search angle of the article, it's made me think about Moby Dick- if Ahab [spoiler alert] captured and conquered the white whale. "C'mon ZWR there's deeper symbolism at play in the novel and that would arguably represent man conquering death (and his fear of eternal nothingness)" you shout. Possibly. But if anyone can do it, it's Roy Halladay.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

What An Effort!

I tell people that the bolg has the coolest readers/fans ever and they faintly humor me. I tell the Nag and she asks me to DVR The Real Housewives of Baltimore. I Twitterer Ryan Lawrence and he asks me to mail him a scarf. BUT every once in a while, like a proud parent or teacher, I get to throw something in everybody's (soon to be broken) faces and those donkeys are left with no other alternative but to agree with me. And they will say, "You know what, ZWR's readers truly are of the most tremendous sort." So it happened when I received an email from a chap named Dave who, in the face of Jim Tracy's painfully weaksauce retort to Charlie's hilarious "keep crying",...
"We don't cry here. I want to make that clear right now. We work very hard."
 ... decided to take matters into his own hands and remind the Rockies skipper of just what the Phillies have going for them BY ORDERING HIM ONE OF OUR "STINKS TO BE YOU" SHIRTS!!! Let that sink in for a second. Here's the visual proof (with some slight additions by me):

Kudos to Dave; Phillies fans everywhere and we here are all proud of you.

Friday, May 14, 2010


As you know, we're (hopefully) going to be adopting a red panda in your honor later today. In addition to that, here's an MS Paint of your party at the zoo!

ZWR Exclusive: Jimmy Rollins Rehab Update

From sources close to and/or around the situation, ZWR this morning has learned that Jimmy was recently spotted, "running like a cheetah with thoughts of an assassin."

While the source was unable to confirm or deny the current state of Jimmy's flow, he or she did speculate that Jimmy's posse appeared to be at or near optimal effect.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Holy Butt! (OMG we were in Sports Illustrated with Winnie Cooper)

Wait what ZWR (one of the shirts) on!?! And we're on there with Winnie Cooper? Yes, please!

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (5.12.10 vs. Rockies)

So Roy Halladay pitched yesterday against the increasingly annoying Rockies, only he was supposed to pitch yesterday's yesterday, but the weather was all, "Dude I'm in Colorado and I stink". Eh, whatever.

And it was kind of an "eh, whatever" start, truth be told. Perhaps that's the silver lining--it was, for Roy, a "bad" outing, yet he only gave up two earned runs in 6.33333333333 innings (despite a heavy workload and a bunch of hits) and left us in a position to win the game. Can I do this? Why not, it's my bolg, right? That game stunk and I'm done writing about it.

Happy Stuff

Roy was kind enough to pose for a picture with bolg fan Jessica, who just so happened to be wearing her ZWR shirt. Woot!

Look at the Rockies packin' the stadium for another mid-February sellout

Uh Oh - Visual Proof The Phillies Were Cheating

Well, this is unfortunate. I was kind of hoping against hope that the allegations of our stealing signs were just that... and the collective whining of teams inferior, a shot in the dark fired cowardly with hopes of some sort of glancing damage. But then arrives in my mailbox this morning the below, actual evidence of a conspiracy. It's all quite unsettling.

POSTSCRIPT: Oh you know we made a shirt about this 

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Big Announcement: The Winner of the Great Brownie Scholarship

I think it's fair to say that the first and final annual Zoo With Roy Great Brownie Scholarship was an incredible success. We received AT LEAST half a dozen entries and they were all pretty good; the quality generally fell somewhere in between you know just kind of okay, and OMG-help-find-my-face-it-just-broke-off-no-please-really-where-is-it awesome. More on the latter later.

Before we unveil the winning submission, we'd like to take a moment to thank all of the entrants for their time, effort, passion for the arts, and varying levels of creative abilities. We're big supporters of the arts here at ZWR, and we love to give away other people's stuff. So thanks once again. And here's hoping our next contest, whatever it may be, is at least as awesome as this one. Oh who am I kidding it totally will be.

Also, thanks in general to everyone who e-mails stuff in. We'll get to posting it all eventually. Maybe. Someday. No, really.

But now... the envelope please...




(dramatic anticipation fills the room)





(camera cuts to all the entrants waiting nervously in the third row, trying to act cool)






(the orchestra builds to a crescendo, some donkey on third violin screeches a wrong note)





(Harry the logo penguin waddles from stage right, carrying the winning entry in a wax-sealed envelope with gold foil embossed on the front)










(Guest PA Announcer Dan Baker: Ladies and gentleman, the winner of the 2010 I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay Great Brownie Scholarship is...)





"Alegorico 6, 7, 8" by ZWR reader Clark!

Click for much bigger, face-breaking view

Now frankly, we have no idea what's going on in this MS Paint drawing, and we're not even sure if Clark mean to enter it in the Great Brownie Scholarship contest, but it was by far the bestest thing we received, like, ever. I mean really. Look at that thing.

Celebrity judge of the Fightins said via his iPhone:
"This is literally a transcendent piece of artistic genius...the type of work that changes the paradigm on what you previously though possible within the realms of a given creative medium. Also, it has a mexican guy holding a trident beneath a constellation dolphin. Give that motherducker a cotdamn brownie!!"
But seriously, we still have no idea what's going on in this thing, so we'll paste the accompanying e-mail Clark sent along with his unknowing submission:
Here I am in grad school asked to draw what I think some boring 400-year-old Spanish/Mexican text describes as canvases on an Arc d'Triumph (French, right?). Instead of being a lame-o, I went all Paintbrush on my professor's ass.
Waiter, I'll start with the "Yes" appetizer, and then I'll have the most expensive "Please" entree on your menu. I mean seriously. This guy submitted MS Paint pwnage as part of a GRAD SCHOOL project. If that's not deserving of a free brownie, nothing is.

So congratulations, Clark.

You win a fantastic brownie courtesy of SweetSwallows bakery, in addition to internet fame and fortune. If you're reading this, e-mail ZWR your address so the bakery can send your spoils.

And So We've Ridden the Lightning

The memory is fantastic, the representative image so perfect. The shirt, with its fine blend of fibers and high quality printing, well it is as worthy as any other who would be brave enough to attempt capturing the moment. But as is known, "Nothing's good because nothing lasts, and all that comes- it comes here to pass. I would voice my pain but the change wouldn't last, all that comes it comes here to pass." And with that all, and heavy heart, is made the call that we know needs be made: So Tasered will be removed, for the indefinite future, from the ZWR store this Friday at midnight (or before I go to bed). Should you wish to own a piece of the glory, I recommend you act quickly.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

DID YOU HEAR?! Three More Home Dates to Pad Phils' "Bearded Piggy Bank"

Yet again scooped by the mainstream media (great job, USA Today!), the Phillies blogosphere was abuzz today with the announcement that the Phillies' June series with the Toronto Blue Jays would not be held in Toronto, for fear of hippies putting a total harsh on Jayson Werth's mellow by protesting the G8/20/whatever summit event that's taking place during the same dates.

Ever fearful of aimless hippies, the powers that be in Major League Baseball naturally decided to move the series to good ol' Citizen Bank Park--a move that caused a quasi-popular beat writer in the mainstream media to speculate via a microblogging internet service that the presumed additional revenue could be put to use signing a finely bearded right fielder headed towards free agency:

And like that, the bearded piggy bank became a recurring character on ZWR

Everyone Go Buy Several Dozen Copies of the Delaware County Times

Roy Halladay is pitching for the Phillies today! Just look at the picture below.

Huh? What? No, I don't see anything peculiar about that picture or its caption at all.

I don't know what's up with Roy's face in that picture (unless he broke his own face off with future awesomeness?), but this is incredible. Special thanks to our Delaware County Times operatives.

Monday, May 10, 2010

VOTE FOR CHOOCH! sounded the bugles this morning (is that what got sounded?), and we can't agree more: Chooch needs to be in the Pre-Octubre Classic. You know who else agrees, as if that's not enough? Roy Halladay!

So get to it! But in another browser window. You can also spread the message with this. Totally support that.

Yo, Tuesday Plans = Made (If You Live In Or Are Visiting Denver)

Good news, Denver-based ZWR enthusiasts: your zoo is only about two-and-a-half miles from Coors Field! Here's how I imagine your day going tomorrow: wake up, nom nom nom a healthy breakfast, check, head to the office, go online and vote for Chooch, read some Rickey Henderson quotes, send in the final version of your Great Brownie Scholarship© entry, tell friends about Red Pandamonium, leave after lunch, go to the zoo, think about that donkey that was sitting behind home plate last year during the NLDS and laugh, eat some cotton candy, get half drunked, go to the game and watch Roy absolutely CUTTER & SOCUTTER fools in his homecoming. Great, huh?

look, a map!

Rollins Clearwater Update!

ZWR sources indicate that Jimmy Rollins reported to team officials yesterday that the cajun grouper sandwich at Frenchy's "is still tight".

Also of note to the three-time gold glove shortstop--the rock poppers are, in fact, off the hook.

Animated GIF courtesy of TheFightins via Google Image Search by way of the internet on my laptop
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