Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Phillies as Muppet Babies: The Definitive Guide


So did you finally get the Muppet Babies song out of your head? Sorry, but it's going back in, because this is a topic that needs to be revisited.

The charm of Muppet Babies, beside the notion of the Muppets as babies, was the emphasis placed on imagination. Granted, this isn't unique to the cartoon, though it does, I would argue, stick out as a show whose plots drove strictly to force on the power of fantasy. Proust speaks in Within a Budding Grove of the imagination that "bore us from the place in which we were living right to the very heart of a place we longed to see, in a single sweep which seemed miraculous to us not so much because it covered a certain distance as because it united two distinct individualities of the world, took us from one name to another," and it's arguably this sense of being swept to a place of longing that provides the parallels between Muppet Babies and sport that make it of interest (again, short of the brilliance of Muppets as babies) to the ZWR community.

As such, and without further ado, the guide:

Kermit = Chase
The stoic, no nonsense, often seemingly personality-less leader of the pack. Kermit wasn't the flashiest or the funniest, or even the cutest. But he was the best. The icon that will be remembered long after the others have been forgotten.


Beeker = Victorino

Seriously, is there another person on this planet who talks as fast and non-sensically as Shane Victorino? I mean, like, besides Beeker, if Beeker were actually real. It's too perfect. MEEP MEEEEEP no questions asked MEEEEEP. Meep meep meeep meep meep. MEEP!!!

Bunson Honeydew = Polanco

I know what you're thinking..."omg ZWR, that's hilarious because they both have gigantic melons for heads!" And you're right. But the comparison runs deeper than that. Both Polly and Bunson are cerebral masters of their respective crafts--each known for heads-up on-field and in-lab performances.


Rowlf = Sarge

Arguably the two coolest mofo's ever depicted on television. Sarge loves jazz. Rowlf plays jazz. And if you don't think that fully grown Rowlf drives a Cadillac Escalade with 22's, tinted windows and wood trim, well, I don't think you know your Muppets. And frankly, picturing Sarge with big furry, floppy ears really makes me laugh.

Animal = Wertz
If Wertz hadn't been born with an insane athletic pedigree, you just know he'd be a starving, touring-the-country-in-a-VW-van rock and roll drummer. And yeah, the overall furriness and crazy personality helps a little too. Wertz and Animal. Two iconic rock stars. Here's hoping that after this season, Wertz isn't "gooo bye-bye"



Fozzie = Jimmy
This was a difficult one and will likely be subject to much debate for years to come. But since I didn't see anyone else on the web writing a definitive guide to the Phillies as Muppet Babies, I made the executive decision on this. Jimmy is like Fozzie because he's always the guy that seems like he's trying to be funny. And sometimes those jokes just aren't well received. But, you'll say, we love Jimmy. And he isn't the annoying comedian telling stinkers, and he certainly never gets tomatoes thrown in his direction. But let me gently remind you, dear readers, that it was only two years ago that Young James called you all front runners on the Best Damn Sports Show. And why? Just so he could look cool and try to fit in with his funny friends on a TV show. It just hit you, I know. I'm a genius. You're welcome.

Wocka, wocka, wocka! (just kidding, we love you Jimmy)

Skooter = Cole / Skeeter = Heidi
We'll ignore the fact that Skooter and Skeeter were brother and sister on the show, and just comment that this one was otherwise too easy. Skooter: the sulking, always-near-tears nerd with lots of talent but no self-esteem. Skeeter: tomboy-ish (I mean come on, she lived in the jungle in her underwear for a month) and loyal to a fault.

Nanny = Charlie

"Well you know like I'm sorry Skooter son, like, you know like I just gonna have to take you out of the game because like damn son that damn dog keep falling out of your backpack and we can't have that I mean like this is the big leagues now try and keep it together."

POSTSCRIPT / FREQUENTLY AXED QUESTIONS

  1. Where's Ryan Howard?!!?!
    Good question. But unfortunately (or fortunately, possibly), Big Brown is so rich that he actually didn't attend daycare with the Muppet Babies. He could afford a live-in Au Pair (likely an Eagles cheerleader) and private boarding schools.
  2. This blog is about Roy Halladay. Where is Roy? Little known fact. There was a Muppet Baby that matched up perfectly with Roy, but we never as viewers got to meet this character because he was always too busy working out in a separate room--running stairs, lifting, throwing bullpen sessions--all the while dreaming up new ways to break faces.
  3. What the hell?
    I know. I know.


17 comments:

  1. I like that this exists in the world.
    Also, I submit to you, Gonzo = Lidge? I swear I've seen him chasing chickens.

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  2. I can see this. Especially Kermit = Chase. Well described guidebook!

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  3. Cliff Lee's TractorMay 21, 2010 at 12:41 AM

    This is incredible. Thank you for posting.

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  4. Instead of Rainbow Connection, Chase performs his WFC speech.

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  5. Rainbow Connection. Rainbow Fucking Connection!

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  6. Call me crazy, but... if Ryan Howard were a part of this (if he wasn't off on wild misadventures with his Au Pair) wouldn't he be Miss Piggy? Piggy was always the Muppet Baby to take charge and get things done when everyone else was too scattered or slow or silly to do it themselves. I can see her dropping her voice into that lower register and saying "just get me to the plate, boys..."

    Or, you know, it's Friday and I've lost my mind.

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  7. sarah - i will never get miss piggy's "just get me to the plate, boys" out of my head. and i couldn't be happier.

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  8. This list was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. That is until I thought about Ryan Howard as Miss Piggy.

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  9. Sophia Stanton-LacyMay 21, 2010 at 8:24 PM

    Skeeter: tomboy-ish (I mean come on, she lived in the jungle in her underwear for a month) and loyal to a fault.

    This is the kind of deep, introspective, far-seeing analysis for which I visit Zoo With Roy. Well played, sir; well played.

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  10. i couldn't leave it alone... http://i50.tinypic.com/minv3a.png

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  11. OK--has anyone ever heard Raul Ibanez speak? And if so, is there any debate that he should be Kermit? Add in the baldness and I think you have a debate.

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  12. I get what you are saying about Raul and Kermit, but Raul is not one of the leaders, Chase is. That's my part of this debate :)

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  13. @jacki ZOMG. That's stupendous.

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  14. I could imagine Chase saying "Sheesh" just like Kermit.

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