Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm Going to Need 600,000 of You to Vote for Chooch Immediately

People of internet: Our very own Chooch "Carlos" Ruiz is currently LOSING the National League all-star voting by very many votes, to such donkeys as Yotty Air Molina and a 60-year old Ivan Rodriguez, who has sucked for years now, but happens to be currently drafting off the wake created by Strasburg's epic face-melting. In short, this is a disgrace, Chooch deserves a better showing, and Nationals fans are ridiculous donkeys. Together, we can make this happen*

And in case you're struggling with whether or not to vote for Chooch hundreds of thousands of times today, I have put together the decision-making flow chart below:

I have faith, internet. If there is one group of fans ready to mobilize at a moments notice, cast aside their workday plans, and start a Panamanian all-star revolution, it's ZWR readers. Go forth and break faces.

I also need everyone to re-tweet this, post it to Friendster, share it, print it out and leave it in bathroom stalls, write the URL on your buddy's white board, submit it to Sports Illustrated's Faces in the Crowd, etc... please. This is important.

Frequently Axed Questions

But ZWR, Chooch is currently on the DL with an injured brain!

*probably not, but whatever

Hello, the Reds--the Doctor Will See You Now

"Man, I hate waiting in the doctor's office. First they kill you with all this in-network, out-of-network mumbo jumbo, and then you have to fill out a thousand paper forms when you get here."

"Yeah, and then you have to read Sassy Magazine while they make you sit around like some hunk of meat just waiting for..."


"Mine too!!!! Oh the humanity!"

"Whew... man, what just happened? I'm so glad that's over with."

"Yeah, I never want to do that again--hey...Scott, what the...?!"


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Chase Utley Has an Injured Thumb, and a Joke For You

Toy Story 3 is the #1 Movie in America

The Fightins may have their shirts in Chase Utley's locker (NOT THAT I'M JEALOUS), but do they have BUZZ MOTHERHUMPIN LIGHTYEAR!!?? No??? What? No? Didn't think so. Seriously though, Tim Allen must be dying in that suit.

Thanks to ZWR reader John C. for sending in this gem straight from Orlando.

Space Rangers (Buzz and Wertz, not Mrs. John C...).

Monday, June 28, 2010

Wait What No For Real AIRBORNE

The Phillies are in Cincinnati right now, and you know what that generally means: it's when we celebrate how a teenage Cole Hamels, found there when his parents were sent off to Australia after receiving a grant to do zoological research/work, came together just in time with those who were previously his nemeses to finally take down the preps the only way he, and they, knew how- with their blades.

Don't worry! Here's the ending (Riverfront Stadium ftw)...

Ross Gload Has a Rake

At 10:51 AM (Canadian Time), on Friday June 25, the internet web blog "The Blue Jay Hunter" posted a feature, written by me, in which it was noted that, "Ross Gload is raking."

Between the hours of 7:05 and 9:51 (American Time) that same night, while Harry Leroy Halladay III- with whom I've all the while been proposing a visit to the Philadelphia Zoo- was throwing seven scoreless innings, Ross Gload proceeded to go 3-4 with four RBIs. More so than for proving me prophetic (I also called taking two out of three and losing the game I got sun burned at), I'm grateful (as we all should be and trust are) to the Gload for helping Doc end that stupid skid that wasn't entirely his fault. Okay then.

Found below is my representation of a first-hand account (LAWRENCE, YO) of the postgame interaction between misters Halladay and Gload.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Girl You Trippin', A Letter To Myself

What an assgile. Kudos to Meechton for giving me crap the rest of the game. 

Yo, this is a camera phone pic from my mom's TV

Friday, June 25, 2010

Odd, Yo

So I'm going home tomorrow, and Roy Halladay was supposed to this weekend, but instead stayed... home. Things swirl at times, but remember that it's not what was- or necessarily even at the moment is- that makes who you are. And that's okay.

zOMG Roy broke so many faces tonight.

Roy Halladay vs. Former Roy Halladays Weekend Series Preview Bolg Swap

The following is a series preview that was kindly and skillfully written by Ian over at The Blue Jay Hunter. And, despite being the longest post in history by approximately 20,000 words, I think you should definitely check it out. I also wrote a thing for him, so you can go check that out too. Seriously, yo, this weekend represents the most important away games we'll ever play at Citizen's Bank Park, so you'd better read this. Plus, Ian's presumably Canadian, which means his mom and/or girlfriend (most likely the former) probably makes a mean maple syrup, which is great on funnel cake.

It’s just like the Zoo With Roy T-Shirts say: you have 84 Home Games, Tasers, Roy Halladay, Your Signs. (editor's note: seriously, that shirt rules) I’m only particularly jealous about two of those things (okay maybe three), but that doesn’t mean the Blue Jays and Phillies can’t have a great series this weekend.

So originally this one was scheduled to be played in Toronto and it was billed as Doc’s homecoming after signing with the Phillies. Then the G20 had to go and mess everything up!

The Blue Jays were hoping the series would still take place in Toronto despite the huge security checkpoints and road closures, but unfortunately the promotion they pitched “First 10,000 fans get a free cavity search” didn’t so over too well, so on to Philadelphia we go.

The Breakup
You know those kind of breakups when one person is really really really devastated, but then finally after four months they finally put some pants on and things aren’t so bad anymore? That’s kind of what it’s like for the Toronto Blue Jays.

They have remained amicable with Roy Halladay and actually have fared pretty well without him in the starting rotation, but watching him toss that perfect game only left us wondering “what if that had happened in Toronto”?

My feelings on the subject can be best summed up by a great unknown baseball poet that once said:

“If you truly love something, set it free. And if it comes back to you after winning two World Series rings and a couple of Cy Young awards, then it was meant to be all along.

Jose Bautista (Who?) Leads the Majors in HRs
At the beginning of this season, Jose Bautista could walk anonymously through the city of Toronto and not be recognized. Okay, who am I kidding … he could still walk through the city without being hounded for autographs. The only difference between then and now is he is the Major League leader in home runs.

How did this come to be? Well, apparently retooling his swing last season coupled with turning on pitches a little earlier has been the key to Bautista’s resurgence. Phillies pitchers should avoid throwing Jose any inside heat, because he will crush it into the third deck.

And don’t feed him a steady diet of breaking balls, because he’ll draw a walk as well. So what’s the best strategy? Just come at him with a razor and shaving cream because just like Jayson Werth, he’s averse to being clean-shaven.

The Kids Are Alright
Let’s be honest, Roy Halladay left a gaping hole in the Blue Jays starting rotation the size of Pennsylvania. Yet, nobody anticipated the Blue Jays young starters to pick up where Doc left off.

Maybe he sprinkled them with some of his magical pixie dust before he left or something, because each of their five starters (Marcum/Romero/Cecil/Morrow/Litsch) have flashed moments of brilliance so far this season.

Be on the lookout for Romero and Cecil’s changeup, Ricky Romero’s changeup, Shaun Marcum’s cutter, and not only Jesse Litsch’s fondness for Little Debbie snacks, but his striking resemblance to her as well. Must be the freckles.

In Conclusion
For an Interleague series at the end of June, this may not be a pivotal set of games for either team, but the emotional stakes are far much higher than ever before. If both clubs can come out and set their offense dials to 11, we’ll have one heck of a series between two heavy-hitting lineups.

And Roy, please don’t make the Blue Jays look too bad out there.

Maybe when you’re done visiting the Philadelphia Zoo, you’ll come back and check out the Toronto Zoo. I hear the polar bear exhibit is open again. If you promise to return, we’ll name the little guy “Doc” for you.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Landon Donovan acaba de romperse la cara, Argelia.



Dan Levy with the video, for the win

Wait For It...







I love this gif so much. And I'd like to thank Jamie Moyer for continuing to give me reasons to post it. Unbelievable.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Sir Perfect McPoptart the Red Panda Update: A Pictorial

A lot of ZWR fans have been asking (and rightfully so, what with how awesome he is) for a Sir Perfect update. As it turns out, the little guy has been pretty darned busy, and quite the traveler--which is weird because he lives in a zoo. But anyway, below are a few snapshots from Sir Perfect McPoptart of Cutterham's recent travels. He was also nice enough to provide commentary.

This is me and ZWR meeting Cole Hamels at my first trip to Citizen's Bank Park. ZWR finally found it in his heart to spring for some 400 level tickets, and through his A-list media connections, was able to score us a behind-the-scenes all access tour. While I'm told Cole is not actually a marsupial, he did have a pouch-like apparatus attached to his mid-section. Bewildering as that was, you can imagine my surprise when a small, rodent-like creature emerged from said pouch and shouted at me. The spastic little sod, how rude! Although I can't quite translate it to the refined brand of English I'm accustomed to, I suppose the best parallel is, "ruff."

Strawberry vs. Blueberry. Red vs. Blue. A classic, timeless matchup. What to choose? Sometimes though, when I'm feeling rather devilish, I like to smash them together and make one big frosted Pop Tart sandwich. I call it, "Perfectly Purple" As they say: om nom nom nom nom

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrr zzzzzz rrrrrrrrrrrr


Monday, June 21, 2010

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (6.20.10 vs. Twins)

So Roy Halladay got hit with a loss yesterday, in yet another game the Phillies offense was all, "dude who cares?". It was great, if you like things that stink. I think the quirky stat du jour all of the newspapers and websites are trotting out there is that he's gotten nine runs of support in the six losses he's accumulated (ummm, they've scored six in Moyer's six losses- ZOINKS). Oh, and we've scored three or fewer runs in half of Roy's wins.

I mean, everyone knows it's just do better, please, the offense. Thank you.

Most importantly, though, I sure as sh** still want to go to the zoo with him.

Hard to believe Roy was once 8 years old

Capturing the Zeitgeist (File under: Strasburg, Stephen; Strasboner)


ZOMG color options: Red | Navy Blue

Now before everyone goes all silly and starts accusing ZWR of selling out for the sake of a quick buck (or a million, whatever), take a moment to consider the worldwide economic downturn, the imperative for all businesses to properly capitalize on foreign market opportunities, and NAG NAG NAG's compulsion to buy every single pair of shoes available on Zappos. Look, I live in DC Metro, so I already have the local on-the-ground expertise necessary to know that shirt is going to sell, according to my back-of-the-envelope calculations and capitalistic instincts when it comes to the fact that the Nationals don't have any real fans but are all of a sudden now tripling attendance, approximately eleventy-twelve.

And, as long as we're all being honest with each other, I'm not going lie--I do actually have a bit of a Strasboner myself. Don't you?

UPDATE: PG-13 version now available!


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Topical Bolging

Happy Fathers Day, the Minnesota Twins, from your daddy, this guy...

... Harry Leroy Halladay III! BOOM. Granted, if he doesn't throw a complete game some idiot from our donkey patrol bullpen may actually allow you to win the game and all, but that doesn't mitigate the sentiment of this bolg post (I don't think (I'm actually not very good at trash talk)).

A Note to Jon Rauch
Dude, I know you're pretty hardcore edgy extreme what with those awesome tattoos, and I enjoyed your guest piece in The National Journal on American subsidies to Brazilian cotton farmers, but (permit this) I don't really think this is the coolest song- or perhaps more appropriately put portraying the image you go for. Nonetheless, who am I to deny a request? Ummmm...  here you go:

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Sound Investing

A lot gets made by the fans and the media (there are infinite outlets, so they have to find/make stories- ZWR lesson of the day, y'all) about player salaries, and to an extent I can understand why. I more often than not take a "dude I'm not paying it so I don't care if Ryan Howard just got a bazillion dollars and yeah it may be a bad deal in 2014 but I mean I got bigger things to worry about besides we've been the best team in the National League the last two years and won the division three in a row and were wFc and it's the absolute best time ever for folks my age to be a Phillies fan so I just can't go around fretting sorry if that's naive but for real" approach.

With that said, I have taken a moment to validate that about which I was already absolutely certain, the financial soundness (via a simple net Roy value calculation) of the decision to acquire and sign to an extension the guy I'm gonna go to the zoo with. (Yeah, old finance textbook getting opened!)

So, yeah, we got that going for us.

Friday, June 18, 2010

And Now, a Girl Blue Jays Fan Singing About How Much She Misses Roy Halladay

From the awesomeheads at the Blue Jay Hunter blog comes this piece of, well, I don't really know what to call it. Just watch this.

That's right, sweetie. He's all ours. Joe Carter? Ha! Seriously, I got over that on October 29, 2008. ANCIENT news.

I think she takes some shots at us in there somewhere but frankly this is so creepily adorable that even if she drew a ZWR logo penguin on the ground and went Two-Blue-Jays-Fans, One-Logo on it, I couldn't even be mad at her.


ZWR In The... Nursery?, Polanco Knows The Lingo

I'm a sucker for babies, and take requests like a needy DJ. As such, I was helpless to granting the wish of a Happy Birthday message to the bolg's first "So Cutered" baby, Charlie. Have a great one, little guy. Go nuts and puke in hidden places of you parents' house- you won't be able to do that again without conscience for at least another 17 years.

Ainoes, rite?

Also, it's nice to see that the picture I drew of him getting eaten by an elephant has led to Placido Polanco making a concerted effort to work bolg jargon into his everyday vocabulary. Credit to reader Bill for tipping me off to this:
"It kept going away from me. I was going to make an effort," Polanco said.
Kendrick said the catch reminded him of the daring play Jeter once made at the old Yankee Stadium, a headfirst hurdle into the stands against Boston. Polanco rated his play a bit below that one.
"It was a good play, but not that great," Polanco said. "He broke his face."

Oh, and one last thing: suck it, the Yankees.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

ZWR In The Wild

Quickly- some shirt pics kindly shared. Thanks as always to the donkeys... you make me proud.

What a logo!

Dude for real get me your seats for a game

Crap Bat

What better way to celebrate Roy Halladay's perfectly pitched game than with a historic, beautifully decorated (360 degrees, yo), commemorative... baseball bat?

For real?! I was tipped off via Zmail as to the existence of this LIMITED EDITION product with this craptacularly awesome video. Check it out:

There are a whole host of things at play here, but let's just focus on a few:
  1. Dude, it boasts that the bat displays "the historic stats" of the perfect game? SPOILER ALERT: They're all zeros!
  2. Really, I can't free up the loot to get this until after the payment for my Patrick Kane lithographed waffle board clears.
  3. New Rule: You're not allowed to promote a fake autograph. (omg--idea!--now you can win ZWR's Roy Halladay perfect game tickets with a 'facsimile' (read: fake) Roy Halladay autograph on the back! Start snapping those photos people--no, wait, bring us Frankie MacDonald instead...!!!)
This thing is a perfect storm of ridiculous and not making sense. Now, I'm obviously down with high quality commemorative items such as this, and I'm especially happy that these clowns presumably got the date right the first time, so I commend them for their courage--especially in light of the BP oil spill and Euro uncertainty.

But that all said, this bat is just straight trippin, yo.



ADVERTISE ON ZOO WITH ROY (note: this post was written in February--quoted prices may vary; seriously, crap bat people--call us)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Jimmy Rollins Clearwater Injury Rehab Update

In a demonstration of unity with the big league club's offensive performance of late, a hobbled Jimmy Rollins went hitless with three popups last night in a rehab start for the Clearwater Threshers. While there is no clear timetable for the MVP shortstop's return, one encouraging sign is that Rollins mentioned to the local press that his, "bank roll's still on swoll."

"My shit," the Red Bull pitchman continued, "is definitely on hit now I'm parole--stroll."

Monday, June 14, 2010

The One Where "Donkeysplat" and "Assgile" Become Part of Our Lexicon

Two just simply amazing emails came in over the course of the last day, and they need to be shared. The first is from former ZWR In the Wild contributor Jessica, who basically captures the spirit of the bolg perfectly:
OK so my sister Molly came to visit and we went to the Denver Zoo today, ROY'S HOME ZOO!!  We thought that maybe visiting Roy's home Zoo would inspire the Phillies to start scoring more runs than their opponents, and we were so excited. We got to watch penguins eat and they thought our ZWR shirts were so cool! Then we saw some paintings by elephants and one of them was called "Donkeysplat", which is sooooo funny because that's kind of what the Phillies have been playing like lately! 
We thought it would be a silly coincidence if Roy's home Zoo had a Red Panda... and it had two!!  So we said hi and told them that their cousin, Sir Perfect McPoptart of Cutterham, had been adopted and was being taken care of very well and had millions of new friends. I kind of wanted to borrow one from the Zoo to set it loose in the Rockies locker room so the players and that donkey Jim Tracy would have to forfeit the rest of the season because they couldn't stop staring at the adorable Red Panda.  When we left the Zoo we found out that the Phillies won and were all ZOMG because my sister's favorite player Wertz even stole 2 bases!!  So I think more bolg readers need to start going to zoos in their ZWR shirts.

The second, well, I'm just going to let you read this thing. It's from the illustrious Jim Tracy gifter Dave's buddy Sanyo (and slightly edited for the kids):
Srsly eff fan Dave, Jim tracys spam filled chin, Ryan spillbogs, Todd heltons gunt 
So I enjoy your pictures and reading material to the point that I spend more time getting hemorrhoids on the (crapper) at work than actually getting work done. And my friend Dave who is really a slut who likes baseball really seemed to have done something good for once in his life when he sent the shirt to Jim Tracy. But he ordered the shirt on 5/14 and presumably it got delivered around Monday 5/17, the last 2+ game winning streak for phillies, and the last highest offensive output... Since then they have gone 8-16... 
Utley may be the key reason for the slump, going 14 for 85 (.165) with only four RBIs and extra base hits, but I will blame Dave and zwr for this (poop)
Look for the phillies to take the division lead back on July 26 when they end a home series against the Rockies. But that is stringent on one of u assgiles sneaking into the Rockies locker room and taking back your voodoo (poop)
So I make the call for someone to, instead of throwing up or getting electrocuted or feeding horsepiss to babies, steal the shirt off of Andres Galarragas' batboy son's back (or whoever is rocking that otherwise overpriced shirt).

Yeah, I got nothing to follow that.

Todd Helton is a Fashion-Forward Gentleman of Leisure

As it has become the stuff of legend, you're all well aware of ZWR enthusiast/lunatic Dave's bold gesture of buying a shirt for Rockies manager Jim Tracy. You also undoubtedly know that shortly thereafter Ryan Spilborghs (easier read than said) was seen in possession of the same shirt (whether his own or stolen from Tracy, we do not know). WELL (<- impact, yo), now thirty seven-year veteran and goatee impresario Todd Helton's getting in on the act. Check this out, from the Toronto Sun.

(Block quote for those of you too lazy to click the last link):


Todd Helton has a T-shirt in his locker sent to him Jim Tracy from a Philadelphia Phillies fan which reads: “We have 84 home games, Roy Halladay, Tasers and your signs.”

The Phillies bullpen Mick Billmeyer was accused of stealing Rockies signs the last time Philadelphia was in Denver.

Yes, please.

Questions begged:

  • Wait, are these donkeys just passing around the same shirt? Guys, you make eleventy five millions, please just buy more. I can send you a coupon code that'll get you like a dollar off.
  • Will Helton's performance spike, as has Spilborghs (donkey's hitting .481 with a 1.554 OPS and 6.391 DGAR)
  • Is anyone crying?!

I'm not saying I like them, but the Rockies aren't my least favorite team at the moment. (Thanks to The Good Phight for the tip)

p.s. would it kill any of these beat writer types to actually take a cotdamn* picture?

* ® The Fightins dot com, LLC

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Yo We Won Today, ZWR In The Wild

It's about time. Let us celebrate with awkward Channel 17 promos from the 80s and then a video of rapping chicken nuggets.

From friend of the bolg Ryan, who was one of billions from the nerd circle at the Reading Phils game today watching the Happopotamus, a ZWR shirt sighting:

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Free Tickets to Roy's (first) Perfect Game!

Oh, hey donkeys. Do you want two tickets to Roy Halladay's perfect game? For real, I have some and would be happy to give them to you for free.

"But ZWR, those things were face value plus fees."

No, I know it. I bought them.

"Roy Halladay's perfect game?"


"That's spectacular. You're really just gonna give them away?"

Yup... provided you're the first person to accomplish one of the following incredibly unique feats:
  • Send in a picture of yourself, wearing a ZWR jawn, with a current Phillies player, who has to be pointing at your shirt.
  • Send in a picture of yourself and a current Phillies player together holding a sign that reads "Girl don't trip, visit Zoo With Roy".
  • Have a letter to the editor published in The Atlantic that compares this site to the topic of one of their dork articles.
  • Convince Frankie MacDonald to record and upload an exclusive Phillies game recap for the bolg.

      A $32 $42 $57 value! Thanks, Ticketmaster!

      Friday, June 11, 2010

      Exclusive! ZWR World Cup Preview!


      So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (6.10.10 vs. Marlins)

      Roy's line last night vs. donkey lineup:
      8 IP
      1 ER
      8 K's (3 cuttered, 5 SO cuttered)
      1 BB
      Number of times Mike 'OMG HE HITS THE BALL 600 FEET' Stanton got his face melted off with excellence: 2

      Roy's ERA on the year is now a face-breaking 1.96. His record, 8-4. Seriously, Phillies. This man should be like 11-1. Get your shit together.

      About The Time Zoo With Roy Was Mentioned In A Story On The Moth Podcast

      So I'm at this party in Brooklyn a few weeks ago, and while I'm there I run into this friend of a friend that I've met once or twice before. He's a physicist- totally adorable (chuckles from the crowd)- and, as with everyone at parties in Brooklyn, way cooler than I am. I don't know why I always feel out of place at events I've actually been invited to, but, well... I do. I'm nervous now in fact. No, really (stifled giggle).

      So anyway, we start talking, and I'm trying not to get drunk but at the same time actually kind of trying to- you ever do that? "Oh no I'm tipsy how'd that happen hee hee hee?" (laughter) And he mentions this website, about a guy that- and I'm not making this up- wants to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay. Now I don't know if you know who Roy Halladay is or not, but he's a pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies baseball team. He's kind of a big deal. Anyway, so here's this totally dreamy- oh my god who says that?- physicist from Manhattan going on and on about this stupid website and I think to myself, "Can it be? Can he be just as out of place and dorky as I am?" It's marvelous, right? I start envisioning awkward dates where I try to feed him from my plate but the cherry tomato falls from my fork before it gets to his mouth and rolls off the edge of the table (uproarious laughter, the storyteller also succumbs) and we try to ride a tandem bicycle only to fall over (the crowd loses it). We're part of a montage (the crowd applauds)! It's all working out. "It all may just work out", I tell myself. Maybe I've fit in all along! My therapist will be so excited for me. We talk some more, I pretend to be interested.

      And then somehow someone overhears him. The inevitable anti-climax, right? (Sigh) Right. And he- this person I now hate- tells the gorgeous physicist from the Upper East Side that was by now supposed to be planning a picnic for us this weekend how his cousin, a screenwriter- A SCREENWRITER! (it doesn't get much more hip than that)- that surely listens to bands that nobody's ever heard of that sell out clubs which also have never been heard of actually found out about that dumb site a few weeks back and it's blah blah blah. Suddenly my not knowing, even if it really isn't an issue... well, it's just another way of me making myself feel out of place- the uncool outsider. It becomes one. I slink away, but by now they're talking so emphatically that a slight wave- a nod- is all that's required. Adieu. "Oh well", I think. I never liked physics class anyhow.

      (Applause. Cue The Magnetic Fields' The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side)

      Thursday, June 10, 2010

      Have Your Medical Kits Ready (a geological ZWR off-topic)

      If you know this guy, tell him ZWR needs a west coast correspondent

      So Roy Halladay Did Not Pitch Yesterday (SRHDNPY)

      Because he wanted to use his slow cooker and watch the Flyers game last night, Roy Halladay made it rain. Not in the Pacman Jones sense--more like Hurricane Schwartz--but you get what I'm saying. Further (though not entirely related), while putzing around the house he found the garden hose had been broken while tilling the soil and planting earlier in the week, and also noticed a large water gun was left in the front yard. He briefly day-dreamed the absurdity of Roy Halladay, stoic ace pitcher, doing the Soulja Boy dance in his front yard while actually holding a Super Soaker, but the thought passed as he quickly realized he didn't know any of the actual dance steps.

      He pitches tonight. Roy will miss Friends and Seinfeld but I'm sure he has a DVR so it's okay


      Tuesday, June 8, 2010

      Kids Drink Free

      Lot K just pooped its pants

      A portion of all shirt proceeds will go towards SADD, and a popular phillies blogger.

      Phillies 2010 Draft Guide

      Round one Amaro and Co. selected some kid from Havertown that I never heard of and may never see pitch for the Philadelphia Phillies (assuming we trade him for 2012's version of Cliff Lee). His Facebook is probably blowing up, though. He had eleventy billion strike-outs against kids that are also on the Mathletes, and his mechanics indicate an ability to throw a baseball really fast. ZWR sources report that one concern Phillies scouts had with the potential ace lefty with the plus changeup was that he didn't use the verbal crutch "you know" enough in face-to-face communication. Committed to play college baseball somewhere, though with the danger posed by aluminum bats and the BP Gulf crisis I can't see him passing on the opportunity to sign.

      Jamie Moyer was _______ years old when he was born, HAHAHHAAHAHA.

      No but in all seriousness, congrats, Jesse. Word of advice: stay away from reality show women, unless it's Kendal from Road Rules Campus Crawl.

      *Picture from some website called MaxPreps

      Yo, someone in his family (we're calling him his great granduncle though it's probably not even close) used to be THE CEO OF THE PHILADELPHIA ZOO!!! You're telling me that's some sort of accident or happy coincidence? Poppycock! (Thanks to electronic James Beale of the City Paper for the tip)

      Monday, June 7, 2010

      J-Roll Injury Rehab Update

      ZWR sources indicate that Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins has begun running as part of his rehab from a second calf injury. While team officials are hopeful this shows progress toward a return in the near-term future, the all-star shortstop is yet to have attempted a dope swerve or awww shucky hop.

      A Letter to Monday, from Sunday

      i feel obliged to forewarn
      as if bodings forlorn
      speak to the belief
      of inescapable grief
      and though no act of yours
      is tied near to the sorrow
      it's worth noting, today
      they all hate you, tomorrow.

      all pictures are not mine and are, in fact, borrowed without permission from their original sources.

      Sunday, June 6, 2010

      Faces Will Be Broke

      Faces Will Be Broke from Zoo With Roy on Vimeo.

      Panda = Named, SRHPF

      I mean, you kind of already know this, but the little guy deserves every bit of ceremony he can get and there's no need to ever question the value of formality when it comes to naming your very first red panda. After an extensive vote, and then a "re-vote" following Roy Halladay's perfect game (as covered here by sports bolg I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay), it has been decided- by the people- that we're going with (as first suggested by ZWR enthusiast Matt) Sir Perfect McPoptart of Cutterham.

      Dare I say Woot? Woot.

      As you may have noticed, today isn't yesterday, and Roy Halladay actually pitched on Friday night. Permit this slipping a day- it's been a goofy weekend. Anyhow, Roy did what was needed to get the win against the Padres. While I wouldn't say- particularly in light of his previous start- that he downright demolished and/or melted faces, he did break seven of them (hairline fractures?) while stopping the ridiculous skid that our heros were on. Oh and he's 8-3 with a 1.03 WHIP, yo.

      And keep in mind that we view things from the lens of those who see his every start ("oh man only two runs and seven Ks in seven innings of a win ho hum"); less frequent observers still are awarded the fresh experience of awe. Said Chase Headley (albeit perhaps a tad overdramatic with the military thing in reaching for Wilfred Owen) following the game in response to how he'd describe his young teammates attempting to hit Halladay, "it was an ecstacy of fumbling". WAIT WHAT. Chase Headley, you can't hide your references deep enough! You went to Lilith Fair, didn't you?

      Saturday, June 5, 2010

      No, This Isn't At All Absurd

      Still no video yet, but that's not exactly terrible if I plan on holding out hope of getting into Northwestern/Medill. Anyway, if there was ever a screengrab that captured the pure, unfettered donkeyness of the appearance, it's this one:

      yup, that's what the bolg do

      And yes, I know that my mob-snitch-shadowed-out hair is woofin, but I had a Whalers hat on and those fools made me ditch it because of the green screen. Booooooooooooo.

      Postscript: Also cuttered: When I yelled at Biv through my earpiece to "never trust a big butt and a smile".

      Friday, June 4, 2010

      Gladiator Wertz

      ZWR enthusiast Tony noticed this random-ass jersey that MLB is selling (has The Fightins posted this yet?), all of which seemingly is a result of the Wuzzup dudemuse thinking that he should be depicted (mid-swing, mind you) whilst wearing a gladiator helmet. I can't make this up... notice the camo and hulk fist, to boot. Because my readers rule, T-Bone sent in his interpretation of this whole situation, which caused me to immediately fall over.

      "Which ZWR Shirt is Right For Me?" An ESPN Ocho First Take Viewer's Guide

      Welcome, millions of ESPN News late morning television viewers! I'm sure you're all visiting because you just witnessed me break the world's face off, while simultaneously charming Dana Jacobson on First Take. Thanks for stopping by!

      Now, there are probably hundreds of questions running through your head right now: What's this all about? What the hell is going on here? How much less would my cable bill be if I dropped ESPNEWS?

      However, by far the most important question you should be asking yourself right now is: "Which ZWR T-shirt is right for me, and what's my budget for said acquisition?"

      I'm glad you asked! Since everyone already owns a piece of ZWR, now's your chance, too. Is this shameless, you ask? Yes and No. I'd be remiss, though, not to capitalize on my appearing on a show pre-empted by socially awkward children participating in preliminary rounds of the National Spelling Bee. Don't you agree?

      Good! Let's break it down.

      Simply click the link below the quotation that best matches your self image:
      "I'm an idiot! I like to be zany!"

      "I'm a traditionalist. I want something clean, classic and timeless."

      "I want people to think I'm crazy and that I go against the grain, but I really don't--I'm just kind of really shy."
      So Cuttered

      "Yo, I really do rule."
      So Perfect.

      "I'm Ryan Spielberg, of the Colorado Donkies." (?)
      Stinks to Be You

      "Che Guevara was so misunderstood."

      "Che Guevara was so misunderstood. Pass the bong."
      Revolution, tie dye

      "I'm a girl, you donkey! Don't you make shirts for women?"
      I read Sassy Magazine

      "I love penguins too!!!"
      Logo t-shirt

      "Look, you're annoying me with all this.I'm a follower. Just show me the top sellers and let me buy one already."
      Okay, fine
      Hopefully we'll have some video of the appearance soon. Until then, please stay and browse around!

      Thursday, June 3, 2010

      Now Would Be a Good Time To Sell Your Disney Stock (or, "Holy Butt, squared")

      So I don't really know how to say, or begin to explain, this (and let me apologize in advance if you're a Disney shareholder), but I'm kind of going to be on ESPN's First Take this Friday morning to discuss the bolg. You'd better read that again: I'm kind of going to be on ESPN's First Take this Friday morning to discuss the bolg.

      AINOES, RITE?! When they sent the e-mail I was all, "Wait what?" and they were all, "No, really, donkey." And then I was all, well, I don't remember much that happened after that.

      Anyway, stuff (including perhaps the most absurd idea ever by an ESPN producer, which I loved) is still being worked out and what not, but, yeah, it's so on: national television... a bolg about going to the zoo with Roy Halladay... MS Paint drawings on display... Skip Bayless... Oh good lord. So if you're a stay-at-home mom, tune in. Everyone else, synchronize your Tivos or whatever.

      We've made it, donkey nation!

      I fully expect things to blow up from here--free hammocks, movie cameos, red carpet appearances, Ryan Lawrence's mooching, you name it. But you donkeys make a great bit of this whole bolg experience, and I really can't thank you all enough.

      Wednesday, June 2, 2010

      Another Poll, Yo (But For Real You Know It's Needed)

      I don't know if you've heard or not, but Roy Halladay pitched the only perfect perfect game in the history of all baseball on Saturday night. While the perfect game pitched by Roy Halladay had many far-reaching implications, one of those (the implications of Roy Halladay pitching a perfect game) most relevant to the bolg was that ZWR's panda naming contest seemingly needed to be revisited.

      Verification of said notion came when scores of you donkeys twittered and emailed and commented as such, referring all the while to the idea and citing specific examples of perfect game-related given names... and I agree. So, here's another poll about names--and Roy Halladay's perfect game.

      It has the winner from the original [Cutter (you guys love brand reinforcement, and I thank you for that)], plus fan submissions (these came following the perfect game that Roy Halladay pitched on Saturday). Note: "Perfect" itself is not an option, as our panda tends to be put-off by perfectly plain alliteration.

      Voting closes Thursday at noon (I think).

      Tuesday, June 1, 2010

      So Roy Halladay THREW A PERFECT GAME a few days ago (5.29.10 vs. Marlins)

      Not really much to say about this one (that I didn't already say on Deadspin).

      Instead, you get a poem I just wrote in 9 seconds:

      Nine large, powerful Marlins,
      their lineup--no joke.

      Twenty-seven tiny, flailing Marlins
      all their faces broke.

      Ho-hum. SRHPY posts don't get much easier than that, folks--although technically this was a SRHTAPGAFDA post.

      ZWR will have more throughout the week. But because I'd like to milk this savor this PERFECT GAME, you're getting it piece meal. I mean, it's not like Roy is going to throw another perfect game. Until at least October, anyway.

      Mostly right now though I wanted to share this wallpaper sent in by our buddy Andy from SeasonTicketPhotos. He didn't take the picture but he photoshopped it up right good and sent it to us for you, the dear readers of ZWR. Click for full size.

      Next Day Edit: Have to add this. Just sent in by ZWR featured artist Jacki.

      It's Tuesdegas!

      Don't be so glum, everyone. We're still going to win the division. And as always, more ZWR to come.

      Let's keep it real(ist).

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