Monday, August 16, 2010

Aaron Rowand Ponders a Broken Face with Great Certainty

Despite the near fact that Aaron Rowand is having what the SABR-inclined amongst you might refer to as an "abortion" of a season (and the lingering reality that there is little chance he'll ever actually earn the entirety of the $60 million the Giants so carelessly slipped into his wallet), there is still a chance Rowand will make his impact felt in a big, albeit unorthodox manner.

ZWR sources have co-dependently confirmed that Rowand has recently immersed himself in the realm of sub-atomic physics. More specifically, he has developed what is being described as a "more than amateur" fascination with Werner Heisenberg's long-standing principle of uncertainty. Rumor has it that Rowand is working on a large scientific breakthrough: he thinks he can actually disprove Heisenberg. And from what we're hearing, Rowand actually plans to demonstrate his anti-proof this week at Citizen's Bank Park.

For those of you with little more than a primetime-television-watching understanding of quantum physics, Heisenberg in the late-but-supposedly-roaring-20's discovered (scientifically and such) that the precise speed and location of an object could not be simultaneously determined to any level of arbitrary precision. To simplify: we either know accurately where something is, or how fast it's traveling--never both, at least not with any level of certainty in the scientific sense. This duality held troubling implications (which we will not touch on here) for many of the era's greatest scientists, and Einstein himself reportedly spent much of the latter portion of his life (unsuccessfully, mind you) trying to discredit Mr. Heisenberg's claim.

However, Aaron Rowand, an average major league outfielder for the San Francisco Giants, now believes he has found a way to disprove the long-standing and uniformly recognized mathematical theorem. And if what my sources are telling me is correct, he'll actually demonstrate his new findings mid-game during this week's series versus his former ballclub.

While ZWR sources could not detail precisely how Rowand would attempt to make worldwide scientific history, it is believed that he'll attempt to re-create his now legendary 2006 face-first assault on CBP's centerfield wall in order to prove that his face was traveling precisely 28.97 kilometers per hour as it impacted precisely 1.158 meters above the "M" in the WB Mason sign.


  1. did someone just bring up Heisinberg's Principle on a sporting blog?

    (claps hands together effeminately)
    (nerd squeals)
    (passes out)

  2. I am pretty stoked that one of the labels on this post is Planck's Constant.

  3. You forgot the proper sign off.


  4. I heard that Aaron Rowand can exist as either a particle or a wave.


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