Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Phillies Bloggers As Characters From The Wire

DISCLAIMER (for the sensitive types): If your blog isn't listed, it's not because I don't like you or anything personal. The truth of the matter is that I really don't read many other blogs, and only know most of these donkeys below by way of Twinker interactions. In short: don't read anything into it, I'm just an idiot that wants to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay. Also, for the values voters: there are curse words.

Everyone: just pretend that all your names below are hyperlinks to your websites--I'm too lazy to link all of them. No but seriously, everyone should check all these folks out on their blogs, twitter, newspaper, whatever. And if you've haven't yet seen the Wire, go buy the entire series today and don't sleep until you're done.

Phillies Bloggers As Characters From "The Wire"

The Good Phight = Brother Mouzone
Beneath the nerdy and proper exterior lies the heart of a ruthless killer. I guarantee you WholeCamels reads pretentious magazines and owns at least one bowtie.

The 700 Level = Bunk Moreland
They're good police and do things by the book, but every once in a while they've been known to binge by the railroad tracks, act a fool. Interminably deep supply of set piece pick-up lines.

Beerleaguer = Lt. Cedric Daniels
An established veteran. Classy. Not afraid to sell out once in a while, and harboring a dark secret that’s always eluded to but never fully revealed. Also, nice pecs.

Todd Zolecki = Jimmy McNulty
Main and most popular character. Despite the adopted accent, you can tell he's not originally from here. Lots of booze just like McNutty, minus all the sex.

Ryan Lawrence = Roland "Prez" Pryzbylewski
A nice enough guy at heart, but has a temper and penchant for frustratingly boneheaded moves (like that time he told Wertz, "Nice game" after he had like 4 K's). Has been known to break policy by posting questionable Twitpics. Most likely considering a career change.

The 701 Level = "Snoop"
Both have enigmatic backgrounds and personalities, and no one ever understands what they're actually saying. But both 701 and Snoop totally rule and are capable of absolutely stealing a scene. And lest we forget, both are STRATE UP gangstas 4RELL, FCKIN HARDEST CORE 4 life, SON.

Long Drive = Bodie
A true soldier in the game, absolutely steadfast and committed.

Crashburn Alley = Maurice Levy
Neither have met an argument they couldn't attempt to make and then frustrate you with. (Actually, empirical data suggest the Alley isn't even remotely like attorney Levy, and his more likely comparable character is...)

Chicks Dig the Long Ball = Kima Gregg
Hangs right in there with the guys; always ready to break your face with a dildo joke.

And speaking of dildo jokes...

Dennis Deitch = Jay Landsman
Deitch is well-known name in the Phils blogosphere, even though he technically doesn't have a Phillies blog... just like Landsman doesn't do any observable police work. Both have been in the game a while, and are as sarcastic and jaded as they come. And speaking of come, Deitch is incredibly vulgar. Possibly addicted to p0rn.

Phillies Nation = Mayor Thomas J. "Tommy" Carcetti
Hugely popular. Never met a voter/reader they didn't like. Although no one really has a strong feeling about them either way, they continue to charm their way along and win every popularity contest (eleventy billion twitter and facebook friends). Hey, come to think of it, they even have election swag.

Meech = Avon Barksdale
The founder of the Fightins crew, he doesn't really do all that much these days. Mostly just holds court in back rooms to oversee his empire, count money, and listen to rap. But he's hard as f*ck so don't cross him. Just be sure to re-up on time and everything will be cool.

Tug Haines = Wee-Bey Brice
Like Wee-Bey, Tug is super-loyal to the kingpin. And despite his intimidating exterior, Tug is the type of sensitive soul that could find solace in tropical fish. He's also totally take on more bodies for a pit beef with extra horseradish.

Zoo With Roy = Bubbles Good heart, and more intellectual than you'd think at first glance. Always has eye out for a new commercial endeavor. Both sell face-breaking t-shirts (look for plain whiteys in the ZWR shop, McNutty). Bubbles totally had an MBA in Street.

Perhaps more in the future, once I start actually reading Phillies blogs


  1. Someone is either A. you or B. ripping off your idea with I Want To Go To The Aquarium with Brent Celek (AWB)

  2. The Wire was the best thing I ever watched....but no Stringer Bell here? Someone has got to represent that business-class attending, borderline sociopath, size XXL, no doubt.

  3. Hahaha, this is ridiculous and I love it.

  4. Wiener,

    I'm 99% certain that AWB was made in response to a since-removed portion of this post. To be fair, what I wrote was mean-spirited and unnecessary, and didn't serve any good.

  5. But it was mad funny though

  6. Ever notice the uncanny resemblance of Michael Martinez to Snoop?


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