Thursday, October 28, 2010

Roy Just Did An Interview About Being Awesome

Well, basically.

He was on Mike & Mike this morning to discuss being voted the best living baseball player in the universe by his peers. Per usual, Roy dominates:

Take a listen on 97.5 The Fanatic>>

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

NLCS Game 6 As A Series of Frustrating High School Dating Experiences

Preface: what you are about to read is fictional satire. ZWR has never lived any of these experiences in real life whatsoever in any way, shape, or form. Nope. Never.


First Inning

She just came down the stairs to meet you at the door and—what’s this?!--OMG she's wearing a halter top!! And her parents aren’t home! Yesssssss, tonight is going to RULE. In fact, you're probably gonna freakbone right now on the couch and probably won’t even make it to Applebee's as originally planned!

But then, she insists you see her to the car because she’s starving…and hey what the… she only greets you with just a hug and a peck on the cheek?! Booooooooooooo. That totally seemed like it was going to go way better than it did.

But it’s okay, there’s still time.

Third Inning
Things are going so well--the new Adam Sandler movie was hilarious, you took her out for ice cream, and she let you "show her" how to play mini golf with the whole "standing behind her and practicing the stroke" move. After a hole in one, feeling like you're just about the coolest thing ever in the history of the world, you playfully smack her on the butt. Only her older brother's there, too, and sees it.

The big donkey storms across the FunPlace threatening to beat the crap out of you, his buddies from the Lower Upper St. Prep lacrosse team holding him back. She finally gets him to calm down and leave, but after he goes you're a giant ball of nerves. You didn't really do anything wrong, and he never really "won" the confrontation, but despite it all you know that failing to reclaim the moment immediately killed your mojo. The ride home is terribly awkward, and ends with her saying as she looks out the window to her front door, "I didn't have that bad a time. Maybe we can go out again or something...."

Fourth Inning
It’s been a crazy Junior Year so far, but you’ve got your license and made varsity so you’re feeling pretty confident about yourself. One Friday night you’re at your buddy’s house, playing poker, drinking some Red Dogs, and random girls show up.

The one who sits next to you isn’t particularly attractive but you turn to her anyway and ask where she’s from. You’re drunk, what do you have to lose? She answers that she’s from Jersey. “You know we have a Jersey shirtless rule in this house, don’t you?” “What’s that mean?” “If you’re from Jersey you have to take your top off!” “No, shut up.” Everyone laughs at you. That was pretty pathetic, yo.

Eighth Inning
You almost did nothing to even deserve even being in this position, Mr. "I don't want to go out this Friday to be totally honest". Your buddy arranged for his girlfriend's friend, who's actually cute, to meet you guys after your game. Then he got the bottle of Goldschlager and the wine coolers for the Jennifers.

You're in the basement making out a little bit, and when you go to whisper into her ear you may or may not puke on her shoulder. Asking "Ohmygod can you see the gold specks?!!?" didn't help matters.

Ninth Inning
After a long date full of incredible conversation and heavy flirtation, you end up at a house party with her -- the hottest girl of your dreams who you probably normally wouldn't have much of a realistic shot at, but hey, you've been on a hot streak recently--and she has been giving you signs all night. So you think you're golden. But then, someone suggests playing truth or dare, and she's all of a sudden wayyyyy too eager to play. At first you just brush it off as her being silly (remember that one crazy story she told?! OMG, ha! She's so funny and ironic!) But it's still just a tiny bit weird given the circumstances-- a fact that's quickly brought to a cruel head when it's her turn to play and she blurts out "DARE!" without a moment's hesitation.

Then, you immediately want to disappear into the walls. You can only stand and watch as your sense of lingering doom becomes a full force reality...your chances with this girl--your dream girl-- go completely out the window as she starts making out heavily (and open mouth, too-- hey, she had to, it was the rules of the dare!) with that big dumb jock that is a total moron (you know, the one you swore had a full beard in the 7th grade when he beat you out for that position on the basketball team) but still manages to draw a disproportionate amount of attention from all the girls in your school.

World crushed.

You leave the party in separate cars, as she once again all-too-eagerly hops in the passenger seat of said meathead's Camaro (with the No Fear sticker on the windshield and the Megadeth tape blaring) without so much as a goodbye or even a courteous head nod.

Utter sadness.

Monday, October 25, 2010

At Least This Made Me Smile On An Otherwise Awful Monday

Reader Allie sent in this incredible Doc-O-Lantern below for you all to enjoy. That's craftsmanship, yo.

I hope to have some kind of season recap some time later so we can try and reach some sort of collective closure, but I haven't quite figured out how to go about it just yet. So in the meantime, everyone just sit there and stare at this. Like Ryan Howard.

Carved, just like the NL East this season

Other random odds and ends not worthy of their own post:
  1. I added a countdown to the right sidebar. In theory it's the approximate number of official days, hours, minutes and seconds until Doc arrives at Spring Training, but we all know he's probably there already lifting kettle bells and doing wind sprints

  2. All t-shirts are 15% off with the code ZWR34 at checkout

  3. No one cares about this, but the official ZWR Facebook page has a non-stupid URL at Vanity, yo!

  4. Chicken parm

Saturday, October 23, 2010

O Fortuna (Game Six Remix)

You know what to do...face to screen, volume up!


O Fortuna (Game Six Groin Remix) from Zoo With Roy on Vimeo.

Friday, October 22, 2010

My Face Just Broke

So earlier today I posted an awesome Wertz stick figure and ZWR logo jack-0-lantern submitted by Dr. Gina, and half-jokingly suggested that everyone start sending me ZWR-themed pumpkin carvings. Little did I know that four hours later I'd be sitting here with my face in my hands.

The gauntlet has been thrown down, yo:

Huge thanks to Patricia for the awesomeness. Sir Perfect is definitely getting tanked tonight in her honor.

Seriously, I have the most talented readers of any bolg in the universe about going to the zoo with Roy Halladay.

Spreadshirt was cool enough to hook me up today with a special Doctober discount on all ZWR t-shirts. If you use the code "ZWR34" at checkout, you'll get a 15% discount on anything in the store. The coupon code is only good till the end of Doctober, so run and tell that, or whatever. No seriously, click here. And thanks!

OMG Look It's A ZWR Wertz-O-Lantern!

Reader Matt sent in a picture of this amazing incredible awesome and face-breaking carved pumpkin/homage to ZWR.

According to Matt, the carving was done by someone he knows with the same last name as him called Dr. Gina, in order to wake up the bats. I guess it worked, because Wertz Lidge-proofed the game with a solo blast in the 9th. So thanks, Dr. Gina. You're now almost as legendary as Roy's groin.

Check it:

Dammmmmmmnnnnnnnn Gina!

Reader submitted ZWR pumpkins is definitely a trend I could get into. Just saying.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Doc Stood Tall

Sorry, one pun is all you get

Tonight was vintage Roy. What else can you say? Even without his best stuff, Roy was able to keep the Phils in the game, pitch his way out of some jams, and make Burrell so frustrated that ol' butt jutt dropped several F bombs in Roy's general direction.

And now, oh wait, what's this-- breaking news... it was just revealed to me that Roy actually hurt his groin in the second inning on a pitch to Buster Posey. AND THEN HE PITCHED FOUR MORE INNINGS OF BASEBALL. Think about it. He tore fibers in his crotch area, and then baffled the Giants for like 80 more pitches through the sixth. (Don't worry folks, he'll be fine. Trust me. Roy heals much better than mere mortals.)
The man is a legend. This weekend is gonna be bananas.

Back to Philly we go...

Hold On To Your Hats, It's the 9th Inning!

Dude, I was sooooooo close...

It's Doctober 21, 2010

"Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole"

Don't worry, gang. Roy's got this.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Truth About Philadelphia Fans

Hello, the National Media, it's me, Zoo With Roy, of I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay fame (check us out online at

We're known for lots of things here at the bolg: deft work with the quill, killer multimedia presentations, acerbic wit, pure stupidity, and fashion-forwards t-shirts, just to name five. I'd like to think we also bolster irrational parochialism and hyperbolic civic pride, because, frankly, we're all too dumb to know that Philadelphia is totally second rate.

Whatever the case may be, I will--following suit--every time act when I feel that my hometown is being slighted. And slighted Philly has been, both by the gladhandling we've gotten from the all-too-kind hipsters in San Francisco (ZOOEY DESCHANEL?!) and the spotlight-stealing going on not far North of us.

So please, the National Media, let's FOCUS on the immutable facts: no fanbase is worse than Philadelphia's. It's true. None is more vile, less-educated, or more violent.

Those signs about Tim Lincecum? Drawn on sheets of acid with vagabond blood. The ginger ale for the Josh Hamilton celebration? Urine from a Philadelphia bottling plant. The urine itself? From union workers who were being paid a handsome wage on the clock, but not actually working. Yeah, that's right, Philadelphia literally peed on Josh Hamilton's head. And that's just the tip of the iceberg (we actually plant icebergs, too, btw).

A local factory recently began manufacturing mass quantities of Pedro Zamora effigies donning a #5 Giants jersey that read Valtrex instead of Burrell. But you bitches won't write about that, because you're too busy rehashing the same old weaksauce crap my grandfather did to a department store Santa in 19-who-cares. Turn off ESPN, it's making you lazier in your vocation than the average Fishtown meth dealer. There are far more impressive feats to uncover if you're willing to challenge yourself. The JD Drew battery tossing incident pales in comparison to many of the group assaults we've pulled off as a fanbase (unable cognitively to plan, it's a reliance on our innate awfulness that allows us such deviance... think on that and everything's more impressive).

Interfering with balls in play? That stuff is child's play. I know for a fact my buddy Myers once threw a regulation-sized bar room dart at Carlos Gonzalez. We've fired pellet guns at Elijah Dukes and his estranged mother, intentionally infected other NL East ballparks with e.Coli and SARS, and once hatched a plan to give Joe Mauer AIDS during a particularly disappointing interleague series. Heck, we've even ruthlessly taunted Chipper Jones by chanting his real first name: Ass-hole.

But darned if I ever hear about those. No, all I get is battery-throwing this and Santa-booing that. Blah, blah, blah. Yawn.

So, if for no other reason than posing intellectually honest arguments, and similarly putting forth honesty in effort, I beg you: just give us our due.

Eff your mother,

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Cole Hamels Is Going To San Francisco

"At first, like, you know, I was know, like:"

"But then... you know, I was all like:"

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Wooooooooooot Video Time

Yo donkeyface. What's 3-0, face-demolishing, likely to compel you to tackle the next thing you see, tastier than a spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A served with a Tastykake pumpkin pie and Sonic Cherry Limeade, sure to set your tailgate (whattup Lot K?!?!!) off to another level, probably soon to draw a coyly- raised eyebrow from your lady friend (dude go for it there's time), able to get Grandpa Huxtable to do the ass-tappingest 2Pac California Love step ever, and generally pretty great in countless other regards? Yeah that's right, this video!

Victor Tres Heroes from Zoo With Roy on Vimeo.

Friday, October 15, 2010

An Epic Fist Pump Meme Made of Epic Fist Pump Memes (La Fin)

So it's with deep sadness (not really) that I officially call to end the week of Cole Hamels Fist Pump Photoshops. It was a lot of fun, and it had the side benefit of making it really easy for me by not requiring me to actually generate any new content this week. So thanks! But seriously, thanks to everyone who submitted photoshops this week-- I think I posted just about all of them (with only a few exceptions), so my sincere apologies if I happened to miss yours. I think this was a big hit and I hope everyone enjoyed it. If you want to re-live the whole thing again, click here.

And here now to put a neat little bow on top of all of it is the following awesome submission from Dave G. (he of guy-who-sent-Jim-Tracy-a-now-banned-by-MLBPA-ZWR-t-shirt-that-got-mentioned-on-air-by-Fox fame).

This rules.
Click for full, eleventy jillabyte-sized view



Oh. You're still here. Well then. Fine!

Since you're here, you might as well check out this:

Oh and this too...

Okay, okay. Why not. The faster version too!

Alright, seriously. This is it. I promise. No more. After this:

Thanks everyone.

See you all tomorrow for the resumption of [REDACTED]TOBER.

This round is going to be so much more [REDACTED]NNER!!

Some Important Messages for REAL American Phillies Fans



MATT CAIN repeatedly voted for policies that would only add to our already crippling national debt and land cushy benefits for special interest groups. (happy music start) ROY OSWALT VOTED *AGAINST* CRIPPLING DEFICIT and stood up to special interest groups in his own backyard.

Where was Barry Zito when Chad Durbin was on the ground in Afghanistan supporting our troops? That's right, noodling on his FOREIGN-MADE guitar while wining and dining with Washington's career politicians.

Pablo Sandoval voted 11 times to extend special benefits for illegal immigrants, costing real, hard working, American taxpayers untold million$$$$.

J.T. Snow is a closet Atheist.

Bail out?! More like free money and huge bonuses for Bruce Bochy's FAT CAT FRIENDS...while Main Street Americans continue to SUFFER.

Buster Posey wants hard-working taxpayers to fund Barack Obama's Socialist health plan and "Death Panels"!

How can Matt Cain pitch game two if he's TOO WORRIED ABOUT VOTING WITH NANCY PELOSI?!

Who's that holding hands and smiling with Holocaust-denier and megalomaniac Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? That's right, it's Travis Ishikawa. The same Travis Ishikawa that favors a MUSLIM MOSQUE at Ground Zero:



Note: this has been completely stupid satire. The Giants players mentioned here probably don't believe 80-90% of the outlandish, deplorable, and often contradictory things ZWR wrote about them.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Holy Crap... It's MORE Cole Hamels Photoshops (Part ??)

I didn't exactly expect this much awesome, but I/we got it. Sincere thanks to everyone who took the time to take part- these certainly made for a fun, long week (when do we even play again?). Anyhow, this batch ranges from the topical to the video gameical to the I don't knowable. In short, it rules like that thing.

(A quick story on our first picture: Danielle asked her brother- in her words, a Photoshop wizard- to help her out. Only he said no, because the donkey exclusively makes "emo hipster" stuff. Not to be deterred, she went online and downloaded some free something or other, creating images without any help from Dashboard Confessionalface. So, everyone, I ask that you love Danielle's submission. "Okay, ZWR!" Thanks.)

"Speaking of getting punched in the junk!"

Get it? "COLE" miners?

And this challenges the A-Ha one for my favorite. Click on it to get the humongous version, in case you wanted to make it your desktop...

Boo At The Zoo (Volume 4)

And in case you missed...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Cole Hamels Fist Pump Photoshops, Part V: Zoinks

Yo, these keep coming in, people are loving them, and the Phillies don't play for another eleventy days... so I'm giving the people a little more of what they want. Same disclaimers and whatnot as before.

holy what yes please

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Cole Hamels Fist Pump Photoshops, Part IV: The Meme Strikes Back, Or Something

Okay, not sure if this will be the last of this, but I think this is everything I've received thus far (with the exception of a few really awful or distasteful ones not necessarily in the ZWR spirit).

But if it is the end of it (I'm undecided), thanks to everyone for making some quality stuff and sending it in. And yo, seriously, one guy sent in like half of these in this double thanks to that guy.

That's deep

Note: ZWR does not endorse seal-stomping

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