Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Definitive ZWR Holiday Gift Guide

The Definitive ZWR Holiday Gift Guide

This guide in no way claims to be definitive, but everything on it is basically the coolest thing ever, and if I--I mean, you--don’t get them it’s not like you’re going to go back to school on January 3rd or 4th or 5th or whatever and get teased by the cool kids or patronizingly consoled by the nice kids (who still got them) or anything, so no pressure to live up to your past glory “Santa”. Also, crazy religious people, here:

Christ --> Mas. Christmas! I just put the “Christ” back in Christmas. Tell your pastor and radio hosts.

On to the junk, yo.

Blue Jordans (Technically- Nike Air Jordan IV)

Oh it was most definitely the shoes.

Dude, I’m starting with the most important thing. These sneakers actually do meld, and then hold, every element of your (and by “your” I totally do not mean me in middle school) social life together. You can’t play two-hand touch in any other shoes without being laughed out of the park, you can’t go to the school dance and expect to slow dance with any girls wearing stupid Avias, you can’t even begin to think about walking to Tower Records and then getting your ear pierced at Bangles & Beads without the confidence they inspire or the street cred they impart. And Myers certainly isn’t popping any air pockets (and he will, because he’s a prick) if there are none to be popped.

PLUS, coach won’t even consider you at basketball tryouts and it’s already hard enough going out for the team as a 7th grader (hypothetically, for the sake of example).

FURTHER, they’re the most iconic sneaker ever. Listen carefully, and don’t screw this up: Blue Jordans with the triangle and the mesh underneath it. There, those were the ten most critical words of your kid’s life, Santa. And no, the sneaker truck outside of the Oregon Diner doesn’t have them.

Sixers Starter Parka

Parka not pictured. But see what will happen to your beloved franchise in 15 years if you don't get one?

VERY IMPORTANT: Has to be the zipper one, not the pull-over. Red, with “Sixers” in white with blue stitching across the back and the logo on the front. Please please please do not get the pull-over. Every time you take it off you untuck your shirt and can get demerits.

Thump N’ Bump, baby!

PXL 2000 Video Camera

Who says you need to be some sort of videographer (or adult) to have a camcorder? Why can't someone just tape himself hitting one hundred straight NERF free throws in his room? Why all the questions? And no, the person you buy (or don't buy) it for won't "break it the first time they try to use it."

BONUS: As with most low quality/quirky recording technologies, this is bound to become in some way a darling device amongst uber-hipsters, the veritable belle of the nerdgeek documentarians ball. Well, at least before the harsh pendulum swing into cliche- a fun ride nonetheless.

TurboGrafx 16

Dude, this thing is the FUTURE. It has 16-bit graphics!!!! It'll be like controlling real-life humans but in a video game!! Don't you know what that means???!! You don't? Oh. Huh. Well, neither did I when I was 12 years old but I sure as shit wanted one. I mean, look at that controller. It's just like your old and busted NES controller that you put puffy paint stickers on the back of except that it's soooo much more mature, sophisticated, modern and sleek.

Seriously, TurboGrafx will change your life. You'll be able to invite allllll your new friends over and have tournaments all night long! When you should be sleeping! Reveling in pre-teen rebellion that would foreshadow and define your Generation's slacker sensibilities!

Wait, what do you mean it only has one controller!? Bah, who cares. Hater! STILL WANT.

GI Joe Aircraft Carrier

Children pictured above are actually 6'4"

Look, I'm not going to lie to you. If you don't get this monstrosity for Christmas, your life isn't going to be all that different. Because no one ever really got one of these. They're a myth. HOWEVER-- should you manage to score this baby, oh man, you officially just jumped three rungs of the elementary school social strata. Kids from miles around will line up for the opportunity just to see this thing. Trust me, I know. I gave Bobby Miller $2 and my fruit rollups for a week for the privilege.

"We don't have room for that!" your mom will say. "We can't afford it!" your pops will add. "Not even the rich kids whose parents own a quote 'sanitation company' got one of those!" your mom will add to dad's more-valid-than-you'll-realize point. But these are the things Christmas dreams are made of. So go forth, and be a Real American Hero. With a lifesize aircraft carrier. Did I mention it's SEVEN AND A HALF FEET LONG?!

Teddy Ruxpin

This really needs no explanation. It's a stuffed bear that will talk to you! It doesn't really get much more awesome than that, at least if you're me and you're seven years old and you see it advertised on TV everyday and you're an only child and all you ever wan-- you know, I should stop. I'm already getting too emotional. Just get one of these, and let the good times roll.


  1. I preferred the Starter pull-over, but hey that's just me.

  2. Also a great gift idea to go along with the PXL 2000 Camera, a Talkboy Tape Recorder!

  3. WOW. Was just telling friends about the GI Joe Aircraft Carrier no less than 2 weeks ago.

  4. My brother got the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier for Christmas, and had it put together by 4 AM Christmas morning. It took up half our basement. I loved landing my reverse winged jet with the smaller attachment jet right on that bad boy.

  5. Rocks, I'm living vicariously thru you right now, but, well, like, 20+ yrs in the past...

  6. That TurboGrafx16 looks pristine. I'm showing heavy age here because I never had the chance to ask for this stuff for Christmas. 90's kid represent.

  7. We weren't rich but we weren't poor and I'll never forget the day I came downstairs and that "monstrosity" was there under (?) the tree still in it's box. It's 23 years later and I still have the aircraft carrier. That bitch was cold, yo!

  8. Blue Jordans with the mesh. LOOOOOOVED those shoes, had them in 8th grade and they are still the G.O.A.T.

    Was never fortunate enough to get the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier when younger, but did get the huge Cobra Base also which multi-tasked as the Death Star too.

  9. That aircraft carrier looks suspiciously like the aircraft carrier level in Army of Two.

  10. My oldest would argue all the day long (while wearing her official 2008 WFC Werth jersey) that the Barbie Dream House was way cooler than the GI Joe carrier.

    But then again, she's a girl.


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