Monday, December 6, 2010

The Phillies As Beloved Christmas Special Characters

Shane Victorino = Ralphie Parker
Feisty, foul-mouthed, pugnacious little fella that sure as sh*t goes and hurts himself doing exactly what you told him not to do. Not a great student, largely because he's often caught chasing random whims or daydreaming about violent things. Dresses ridiculously. With all that said, you almost always find yourself rooting for Ralphie, and are happy he's yours.

Jimmy Rollins = Snoopy
The little guy laughs, is spontaneously emotional, dances his little heart out, does a killer penguin (branding, yo) walk, and is the undisputed style icon of this group. His flash can totally win a "cash prize". Remarkably able to simultaneously be part of the core and totally in his own sphere.

Charlie = Rudolph
Their peers used to make fun of them, and thought they were a joke. Heck, peers and fans alike even called them names. But, like Rudolph, Charlie ultimately proved to be the right choice one to guide the Phillies World Championship sleigh.

"Well son, you know like I think like I'm gonna like have to take you outta the game."

Chase Utley = Linus

He's calmly reassuring all the while, even in those moments where his weaknesses are apparent. Despite those, you never lose faith in him, which is good, because every year--right when you need it--he comes to center stage and says, "lights please"...

Jayson Werth = Yukon Cornelius

A big-bearded marauder out in his own world looking for that big pile of silver and gold.

Cole Hamels = Hermey the Dentist
He's not a misfit! He's not a nitwit! He's just... different, in his own way. Sure he’s quirky, but the kid's solid, and very good at what he does. So just sort of leave him be.

You must watch this:

Ruben Amaro = Scrooge (McDuck)
Has a thorny demeanor because he never quite fit in. There's very little evidence to dispute the claim that he resents everyone. Despite this, and his smug fronts, deep down he really does just want to wake up, throw open the windows, and start hurling money around.

Joe Blanton = Frosty the Snowman
He's round, comes to life when you tell him to, and starts sweating once it gets over 32 degrees.

Carlos Ruiz = Max the Dog
Strong tiny legs, loyal, fancy headwear, and actually quite adorable. If you’re not careful, you’d just think him an innocuous sidekick. The true observer, though, realizes almost immediately that Chooch is vital not only to the narrative, but the overall success achieved in the tale. (And the Zoos down in Zooville all cried “Chooch, Woo-Hoo!”)

Logan Morrison = Buddy the Elf
He's not from around here, and may never actually may be one of us, but his charming naivety and jovial pursuit of happy--despite the grumpy world around him--ultimately teaches us a little bit about ourselves and how we all have that same innocent, joy-seeking spirit deep down inside. Just as Buddy is not technically an actual elf, @LoMoMarlins is not technically an actual Phillies--but you just try to convince him and his adoring phans otherwise.

Also, I assume that he sings with naked chicks in showers.

Dallas Green = The Heat Miser
From Wikipedia: "Heat Miser is a blustery, quick-tempered hothead who is ultimately harmless." Huh, what do you know.

Also, the resemblance: uncanny.

Polanco = Shrek
Consistent if not often underwhelming, talks with a thick accent, AND HAS A HUGE HEAD

Roy Halladay = Jesus Christ


  1. Love bring @LoMoMarlins into it. Can't wait to see him as @LoMoPhillies :)

    I also like Chase as Linus.

    But where is Howard? Who is he?

  2. Carlos Ruiz = Max the Dog. My heart just grew three sizes.

  3. Surprised Linus and Utley's thinning hair were also not compared here.. I mean.. yeah

  4. "Robert "Bob" Cratchit is a fictional character who is the abused, underpaid clerk of Ebenezer Scrooge in the Charles Dickens story A Christmas Carol. The character has come to symbolize poor working conditions, especially long working hours."

    Davey Lopes.

  5. Howard should be a Jew: no where to be seen when the most important part of the season comes around.

  6. Howard should be The Abominable. Obvious looks like a large scary man...until you realize he's just a nice large man.

  7. Yeah, a large scary man that can't hit lefties for shit.

  8. funniest ending of all time...can't wait for the Easter post.


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