Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Phillies Offense Gets a Good Talking To (SRHPY 8.30.10 v. Dodgers)


INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

PHILLIES OFFENSE
throws down his fork, stands with a burst, and storms from the dinner table after a fight with his parents. It runs angrily up the stairs. We hear a door slam, loudly. DAD sighs.


DAD
: That's the last time... this has got to stop. I'll be right back. Put my plate in the oven to stay warm, will ya, hon?


MOM
nods, torn by the conflicting emotions of wanting to hang her head in shame and holding her chin high, confident in what her husband will do... for their son. DAD lumbers up the stairs, an air of foreboding on his face. The wrinkles around his eyes fill with character, reserve. He approaches the PHILLIES OFFENSE's room, and opens the door without knocking.


PHILLIES OFFENSE
: What are you doing? Get out of my room!


DAD
: Shut your mouth. Now you listen to me, because I'm sick of this crap: You need to get your act together, boy. I'm damn near sick of this stuff, walking around all dumb and pathetic.


PHILLIES OFFENSE
(Sobbing sloppily): You don't know anything! You don't understand what I'm going through!


DAD
: Oh for Christ's sake stop whining like that. Look at you. Look at you! You think I don't know. I know. How about you take a minute to know? Know why you ain't got no prom date yet? How's that, Mr. I don't know anything? Maybe 'cause every time I gas the car up and slip you a twenty with the keys you go and get yourself greasy food and video games. You ever think about that? Shoot if you want to fight in a war I'll drive you down to the hall right now and we'll get you one to fight in, tour of honor tough guy. Your friends on that computer there? You can't play ball with a computer! You can't walk up to a group of cute girls with your computer on the wing. This life's about doing, boy. Hear that! And you ain't doing much of anything but feeling entitled and not caring.


PHILLIES OFFENSE
slowly sits on his bed. He grabs the pillow, pulls it close, and rests his chin on it. Delicately, he wipes his eye with the corner of the pillow case.


DAD
: Stand up.


PHILLIES OFFENSE obliges.

DAD
(softly, yet firmly): Right here (he gestures towards his eyes, PHILLIES OFFENSE looks into them). You have more talent in you than I ever coulda hoped for myself. Can do anything you want- we all know that. We've seen it. Believe in yourself, boy. Man up. Okay?


PHILLIES OFFENSE
: Yeah, pop.


DAD
: Alright then. Now get out there and give them hell. But gimme that watch back for now.


SLOW ZOOM OUT

CROSS FADE TO BLACK


Monday, August 30, 2010

It's All Love (A Mike Sweeney Video Post)






For more SWEENS LOVE, see also:

  1. Sweeney for Mayor
  2. Sweeney's face-breaking post-game interview (via The Fightins)
  3. This, also from The Fightins:



UPDATE: Now with T-shirtirization!


I want everyone at CBP hugging each other by mid-September

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Fan Poetry, Yo


ZWR enthusiast Eric sent this in. It's one of Poe's lesser-known works.


It was only a couple of years ago,
 In a city that serves steaks with cheese,
That they called up a Donkey whom you may know
 By the name of Carlos Ruiz;
And this Donkey he lived with no other thought
 Than to have a high OBP.

Roy was a stud and Chooch was a stud
 In this city that serves steaks with cheese;
And they played with a clutch that was more than clutch,
 Roy and this Carlos Ruiz.
With a clutch that Jose Reyes in Flushing
 Coveted Roy and Ruiz.

And this was the reason that, months ago,
 In this city that serves steaks with cheese,
A bat flew out of the sky, benching
 The awesome-ful Carlos Ruiz,
So that the team physician came
 And stole away our Ruiz
To get him an MRI back home
 In the city that serves steaks with cheese.

The Mutts, not half so clutch-y in Flushing
 Went envying Roy and Ruiz.
Yes! - that was the reason (as all Donkeys know,
 In this city that makes steaks with cheese)
That a bat flew out of the sky by night,
 Hitting and sitting our Carlos Ruiz.

But his clutch, it was stronger by far than the clutch
 Of many far older than he
 -Of many more well-paid than he-
And neither the Mutts in Flushing up north
 Nor the Natinals down in D.C.
Can ever dissever our clutch from the clutch
 Of the awesome-ful Carlos Ruiz.

For the bell never rings without making me sing
 Of the awesome-ful Carlos Ruiz;
And Roy ne'er breaks a face but he showers his praise
 On the awesome-ful Carlos Ruiz;
Other teams have no ploys to defeat Philly's boys
 For they do not have Utleys or Chooches or Roys,
Or a place to go see chimpanzees.
 Those magnificent chimpanzees!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

ZWR In The Wild


Yo. Let's check out some fine looking people.

Anthony sent this in. Either it's he and his honey (who he so didn't introduce in his email), or the most awesome twist of fate (to think, I could bring young lovers together) ever happened at that bar.


And poor Ken. Well, not "poor" Ken, he did get to go to the ballpark with his boy and all. Unfortunately, they drove all the way up from Richmond to see one of the recent bed-poopings. Said son:



"Dude, ZWR, that's his back?!" Settle down. Trust me, kid's a looker. Probably got 14 numbers while the old man was out buying beers to make the drive back to Virginia tolerable, but I liked the whole awesome banned shirt looking out onto the wonder of a baseball field deal. Americana, donkeys.

Speaking of donkeys, look at these two!


Okay bye.

Friday, August 27, 2010

ZWR Mostest Exclusive Ever- LF Roy Oswalt Interview!




I love Tug Haines (because he made this for me). Follow him on Twitter.

A Bolg Post, by the Phillies Offense


Hey donkeys, we're lucky enough to have a super special, first time ever, from-the-inside contribution to the bolg- and like it says up there in the title, it's actually from our beloved Phillies offense! I know, right? This is so exciting, so without any further ado...

really


thanks guys


houston's good


i mean, come on


argh


boo


fargle bargle


hey


if you're scrolling


over


the white font


kudos!


write CHORCH in


the comments below


woot!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Nice Snow Cone, Loser




"Dude, that's how Utley should have slid."
"You should tell him about it!!!"
"Bite me. I'm just saying..."
"No for real, picture text him right quick. Point out the tucked wing."
"I'll tuck your wing."
"What does that even mean?"
"Wait why are we talking about this so long after it happened?"
"Beats me."
"Nice snow cone, loser. BOLG THAT!"

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

FOR REAL PEOPLE DAMMIT


POPO RAGE


The following conversation just happened, on the way from the Metro station to the ZWR house. 

ZWR: Did you by any chance read about what happened to Ryan Howard last night?
NAG NAG NAG: OMG Big Brother is on tonight!
ZWR: In short, he got kicked out of the game for being mad at himself. Can you imagine? And Roy Oswalt played left field.
NAG NAG NAG: It's the power of veto! Hey, is he the guy we saw at Camden Riveryards?
ZWR: Wait what.
NAG NAG NAG: Oh, and Top Chef, too! Can we stop at Williams Sonoma?


Oh and I so made this at work but couldn't log in to bolgger so I'm posting it now and I don't care if it's ten hours late. PEACE.

I Got A Rock


Yo, it's been a bit cooler (relatively speaking) the last few days, and that put me in mind of Fall- my favorite season. This is what happens when I start thinking about pumpkin pie and Boo Berry:





Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Roy Halladay Knows What Time It Is


ZWR Phillies line-up beat photographer Ryan Lawrence reported this afternoon that Roy Halladay bought all of his teammates watches:


How awesome is that? How perfect (get it?) is this guy? Sources indicate that HLHIII, since he loves the bolg, originally planned to get the guys "So Perfect" shirts but, as you know, they were ganked by the po. Oh well. As for the watch itself, the inscription is on the back and the face is broken.

"Oh, hey, ZWR, what's the coolest watch you have?!??" Glad you asked, donkey. Here it be:



ZWR Twenty Oh Ten Fantasy Football Primer




Nobody cares about your team. Nobody gives a poop about how your draft went or wants to hear about the donkey who took the Bears defense in the third round. Nobody wants to hear about your sleepers. Nobody cares about that time Santana Moss caught three fluky touchdowns and beat your team in the championship game by 4 points. Nobody cares if you had the "MOST POINTS IN THE WHOLE LEAGUE" but still didn't make the playoffs. Nobody is interested in your theory on the best scoring system. Nobody cares about your fifth round auction keeper. Nobody cares if you hate the points per reception rule. Nobody cares that you had Ray Rice "rated as a first round pick on your board last year, bro". That trade you made last season? Nobody cares. Wait, you said what to burn that guy who accidentally took Greg Jennings two rounds after he was already picked? Nobody cares. Nobody cares what you read about the 330 carries rule for running backs. Everybody minds when you switch over to Jags/Titans every three minutes, because nobody cares that you have "MJD". Nobody wants to be bothered with your explanation of what has to happen on Monday Night for you to win the week. Your team name is not clever. Nobody cares if your buddy posted the "more cowbell" video on the league message board. Nobody cares how many people still owe you their league entry fee. Nobody cares about your team.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Catching Up-ish


Hey all, it's Zoo With Roy, of I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay, the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay (www.zoowithroy.com)! It's Monday, and I was away this weekend, so we're all just gonna ease back into this deal with a catch-up of the more interesting things to come across the Zmail and be Twittered in my direction.

Bolg enthusiast Lynniemac was hip enough to send in the following pic, from an in-game promotion sponsored by the company that makes it possible for me to be frustrated with an iPhone, where they polled folks on their favoritest landmark in the city (options were the zoo, Liberty Bell, Reading Terminal Market, and "some other place"). Notice the percentage of the vote the zoo got, yo:

That's deep

One of my favorite Twitters Carolyn sent in some TWIPN- a communist penguin. It's kind of scary, but way too cute. I choose to hold off on worrying about his economic policies, disregard for the environment, and zeal for Olympic dominance. Oh, and Michelle from Chicks Dig The Long Ball (link on the side) was awesome and went to the zoo and sent me a link to some Four Square thing but I don't know what that is but she gets points for going and doing that. Hey, remember four square- the game? I do. It was pretty great. Know what game I didn't like? Red light/green light. Busters cheated and just always said they saw kids they didn't like move after they yelled "red light... stop!". Booooo.

"Hey donkey butt, how about some ZWR in the wild in the mirror?" Okay! Here's Athena:

Saturday, August 21, 2010

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (8.20.10 vs. Natinals)*



You ever go to a Pearl Jam concert?

If so, then you know that they basically kill it for 14 hours, and as Eddie Vedder drinks 3 bottles of wine your sense of appreciation for just how awesome the show has been grows and grows and grows and then BOOM, "zOMG it's Yellow Ledbetter!"

For eight minutes or so twenty thousand people sing a song with every last ounce of their spirit, only there are 20,000 different sets of lyrics going on, more than half of which aren't even comprised of words. But make no mistake, it's one voice, in celebration. So is the appreciation of what Roy Halladay does.

So it was last night. GROwL surge, cutters, swooning, winning, the whole bit.

AND I SEE HIM
RH THROWS THE CUTTER AND
NYJER HE DON'T
EVER WANNA SEE THAT PITCH AGAIN

WERTZ AND ALL HELL
HE'S THE BEST AND
HOLY SNAP
HE JUST, HE JUST THREW, THAT PITCH AGAIN

OH YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH
CAN YOU SEE HIM
OUT ON THE MOUND
NYJER GON WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVE

I SEEEEEEE HIM
RIDING ON A WAAAAAAAAVE YEEEEAH
AND I KNOW AND I KNOW
THE DONKEY'S REALLY GREAT


*Note: this post was written at approximately Noon on Friday, August 20, some seven hours before Roy actually took the mound against the Natinals and set to post after the likely conclusion of tonight's/last night's Phillies v. Natinals contest. However, it's accuracy is pretty much guaranteed with like a 90.34% confidence interval because, hey, Roy breaks faces on the fcking reg FER RELL SON.

ZWR is away getting drunk this weekend. Leave a message at the beep. Or buy a t-shirt. Thanks for stopping by.

*BOOOOOOOOOP*

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Historical Significance of Domonic Brown's Homerun


Last night, Domonic Brown hit a homerun that landed in the exact same spot as my first hit in 10-12 year old Little League ball (Go, Titans!!!).

Who'da thunk it?

Jamie Moyer Injury Update (Barbelled, Yo)







(for more of Jamie Moyer's arm falling off, click here)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Chase Utley is Back! Greg Dobbs is Gone!


I just did this dance in celebration.

We're gonna win the World Series.



ZWR 2010 MLB Draft Update (Signing Deadline)


How awesome of a life did Huey, Dewey and Louie have?

Some high school kid that I never heard of didn't sign but we only took him in the 27th round because everyone knew he wouldn't sign but we took a shot because those picks are really only for people who stink or are awesome but committed to Clemson or Stanford and likely won't sign anyway.

The Red Sox signed their 27th-71st round pick guys for a billionty-two.

A kid with a dirty hat that has a perfectly-rounded brim and committed to LSU will still go to LSU. His doppelganger signed with the Angels at 11:45 for $1.2, which, I hear, is "over slot".

That kid from the Natinals--Kayleb Hardon or whatever his name is--signed for the equivalent of the gross national product of Turks and Caicos (note: drug-running not included in official GNP estimates). The Strasboner and Hardon-led Natinals will rule the National League for the next decade, so we may as well just enjoy this while it lasts, Phillies fans. In fact, Kayleb Hardon might just be the next JD Drew, who is still the next Mickey Mantle.

Mantle. Ruth. Mays. Drew. Hardon.

Oh, and remember that our first round pick signed like five minutes after the draft because his family's already loaded and used to run the zoo and he wants to chase after white women with Domonic Brown. Don't forget him:


But seriously, if you want a slightly less analytical, more terse read on the draft, check out this donkey.

Monday, August 16, 2010

When Penguin News Breaks, ZWR is There (TWIPN)



Due to the fact that every time something happens in the world involving a penguin I receive eleventeen e-mails and twelvity tweets, I've decided to implement a new series of posts on breaking penguin news and topics. I don't know how often this will run, or if I'll ever even do this again, but hey, you know?! I mean, I don't just manufacture MS Paints, Muppet Baby comparisons, and Samuel Beckett references in my sleep. Okay that's sort of a lie, but you get my point.

Anyway, this week in penguin news (TWIPN) starts off with a worthy repeat. Sarah Baicker of Twitter fame (she's also a hockey reporter or some jazz) made me this, and it totally rules:


Next up, possibly the most adorablest thing to ever have been photographed in human history (with the exception of babies and animals in ZWR shirts):


And finally, this doesn't even need an intro (thanks to @jerseyshorejen and Philebrity):



(Feel free to jank that picture at the top of this post and use it whenever you want to alert me of penguin/zoo/Roy Halladay/penguins with Roy Halladay/zoos with Roy Halladay/penguins at the zoo with Roy Halladay/whatever silly stuff. It's pretty awesome and all.)

Aaron Rowand Ponders a Broken Face with Great Certainty



Despite the near fact that Aaron Rowand is having what the SABR-inclined amongst you might refer to as an "abortion" of a season (and the lingering reality that there is little chance he'll ever actually earn the entirety of the $60 million the Giants so carelessly slipped into his wallet), there is still a chance Rowand will make his impact felt in a big, albeit unorthodox manner.


ZWR sources have co-dependently confirmed that Rowand has recently immersed himself in the realm of sub-atomic physics. More specifically, he has developed what is being described as a "more than amateur" fascination with Werner Heisenberg's long-standing principle of uncertainty. Rumor has it that Rowand is working on a large scientific breakthrough: he thinks he can actually disprove Heisenberg. And from what we're hearing, Rowand actually plans to demonstrate his anti-proof this week at Citizen's Bank Park.



For those of you with little more than a primetime-television-watching understanding of quantum physics, Heisenberg in the late-but-supposedly-roaring-20's discovered (scientifically and such) that the precise speed and location of an object could not be simultaneously determined to any level of arbitrary precision. To simplify: we either know accurately where something is, or how fast it's traveling--never both, at least not with any level of certainty in the scientific sense. This duality held troubling implications (which we will not touch on here) for many of the era's greatest scientists, and Einstein himself reportedly spent much of the latter portion of his life (unsuccessfully, mind you) trying to discredit Mr. Heisenberg's claim.

However, Aaron Rowand, an average major league outfielder for the San Francisco Giants, now believes he has found a way to disprove the long-standing and uniformly recognized mathematical theorem. And if what my sources are telling me is correct, he'll actually demonstrate his new findings mid-game during this week's series versus his former ballclub.


While ZWR sources could not detail precisely how Rowand would attempt to make worldwide scientific history, it is believed that he'll attempt to re-create his now legendary 2006 face-first assault on CBP's centerfield wall in order to prove that his face was traveling precisely 28.97 kilometers per hour as it impacted precisely 1.158 meters above the "M" in the WB Mason sign.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

So Roy Halladay Pitched Last Night (8.14.10 vs. Islanders)


"Give me your jorted, your fades, your chin-strapped faces yearning to be broken"
And Roy broke them all, dear readers- which was nice after the offense decided to use up so many of their hits, runs, and impressively coordinated base-running activities on Friday (the whole Cole thing is fascinating to me, by the way). "But ZWR, what was the liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine?!!?!" Dude, calm down:

8 IP, 0 ER, 4 H, 7K (3 Cuttered, 2 So Cuttered), 0 BB (lol(mets)),

"Yo, but were there any moments of consternation, and what followed/resulted?"

weak, cuttered, so cuttered

"OMG, did Carlos Beltran run into any walls with his big, stupid face again? That was hilarious." Unfortunately, no. But the Braves lost, so that was nice, in addition to Roy killing fools.

Okay, Donkey Nation, that's about it. Enjoy your Sundays, and get ready for tonight by collecting experiences over the course of the day that bring you cheer.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Arts & Crafts, Yo


On occasion people are all, "Hey, ZWR, your bolg is so funny!"- which is nice. And I'm all, "thanks". Then we're both all, "So... uhhh... yeah".  The resourceful often ask follow-up questions, like if I post on Saturday nights after drinking eleventeen jiggers of gin or who my favorite CSN Philly personality is. Yes, and, without question, Sarah Baicker. The hockey chick? Yup. Why? Two words: CLAY HARRY THE PENGUIN!

BOOM

A Cat in a Dog Shirt, Fan Art


Because you should look at something awesome this morning:


Because you should enjoy some awesome fan art from ZWR enthusiast Aileen concerning the Franklin Institute and watching nature shows with Chooch:


Thursday, August 12, 2010

¡Para La Victoria!


courtesy of The Fightins





"The more I detest men individually the more ardent becomes my love for humanity."






Luckily, K-Rod is a Photogenic Gentleman









K-Rod Punched His Father-in-Law in the Face Last Night


After his first two punches missed high and wide, K-Rod finally grooved one right into his wife's dad's face (or something like that) last night, opening up the opportunity for me to FINALLY make an Arrested Development joke here on the bolg.

As such:


Left to right: George Sr., Mr. F


Also, just so you know, I'm probably going to post like 47 K-Rod photoshops today so please do check back often. Or not. I mean, it's up to you.





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