Friday, November 26, 2010

ZWR Black Friday Doorbuster Bullseye Buckaroo Bonzai Cyber Jammy Jam!


EVERYONE FREAK OUT AND BUY STUFF!! No, seriously!!!!!


ALL ZWR shirts are $2.00 off from now through Monday!!!!

"That's crazzzzy, ZWR!!" I know, but I'm not kidding!

Click here to browse the facebreaking selection!!!!1!1




BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!


If you spend $40 (just 3 shirts! great stocking stuffers!), you're eligible for an ADDITIONAL 25% OFF. That's right, an additional 25% off!!!!!!!!!

Use the code CYBER2010 at checkout. And if you happen to be one of my 3 readers that lives in Canada (sorry), use the code CADCYBER2010

IF YOU EVER IN YOUR LIFE WERE GOING TO BUY A ZWR T-SHIRT HOLY CRAP NOW IS THE TIME TO BUY IT!!!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR????!!!! CAPS LOCK!!!!! EXCLAMATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUY BUY BUY CONSUME.


^ IT ALLLL MUST GO!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Definitive ZWR Holiday Gift Guide


The Definitive ZWR Holiday Gift Guide

This guide in no way claims to be definitive, but everything on it is basically the coolest thing ever, and if I--I mean, you--don’t get them it’s not like you’re going to go back to school on January 3rd or 4th or 5th or whatever and get teased by the cool kids or patronizingly consoled by the nice kids (who still got them) or anything, so no pressure to live up to your past glory “Santa”. Also, crazy religious people, here:

Christ --> Mas. Christmas! I just put the “Christ” back in Christmas. Tell your pastor and radio hosts.

On to the junk, yo.

Blue Jordans (Technically- Nike Air Jordan IV)


Oh it was most definitely the shoes.

Dude, I’m starting with the most important thing. These sneakers actually do meld, and then hold, every element of your (and by “your” I totally do not mean me in middle school) social life together. You can’t play two-hand touch in any other shoes without being laughed out of the park, you can’t go to the school dance and expect to slow dance with any girls wearing stupid Avias, you can’t even begin to think about walking to Tower Records and then getting your ear pierced at Bangles & Beads without the confidence they inspire or the street cred they impart. And Myers certainly isn’t popping any air pockets (and he will, because he’s a prick) if there are none to be popped.

PLUS, coach won’t even consider you at basketball tryouts and it’s already hard enough going out for the team as a 7th grader (hypothetically, for the sake of example).

FURTHER, they’re the most iconic sneaker ever. Listen carefully, and don’t screw this up: Blue Jordans with the triangle and the mesh underneath it. There, those were the ten most critical words of your kid’s life, Santa. And no, the sneaker truck outside of the Oregon Diner doesn’t have them.


Sixers Starter Parka

Parka not pictured. But see what will happen to your beloved franchise in 15 years if you don't get one?

VERY IMPORTANT: Has to be the zipper one, not the pull-over. Red, with “Sixers” in white with blue stitching across the back and the logo on the front. Please please please do not get the pull-over. Every time you take it off you untuck your shirt and can get demerits.

Thump N’ Bump, baby!


PXL 2000 Video Camera




Who says you need to be some sort of videographer (or adult) to have a camcorder? Why can't someone just tape himself hitting one hundred straight NERF free throws in his room? Why all the questions? And no, the person you buy (or don't buy) it for won't "break it the first time they try to use it."

BONUS: As with most low quality/quirky recording technologies, this is bound to become in some way a darling device amongst uber-hipsters, the veritable belle of the nerdgeek documentarians ball. Well, at least before the harsh pendulum swing into cliche- a fun ride nonetheless.

TurboGrafx 16


Dude, this thing is the FUTURE. It has 16-bit graphics!!!! It'll be like controlling real-life humans but in a video game!! Don't you know what that means???!! You don't? Oh. Huh. Well, neither did I when I was 12 years old but I sure as shit wanted one. I mean, look at that controller. It's just like your old and busted NES controller that you put puffy paint stickers on the back of except that it's soooo much more mature, sophisticated, modern and sleek.

Seriously, TurboGrafx will change your life. You'll be able to invite allllll your new friends over and have tournaments all night long! When you should be sleeping! Reveling in pre-teen rebellion that would foreshadow and define your Generation's slacker sensibilities!

Wait, what do you mean it only has one controller!? Bah, who cares. Hater! STILL WANT.



GI Joe Aircraft Carrier



Children pictured above are actually 6'4"

Look, I'm not going to lie to you. If you don't get this monstrosity for Christmas, your life isn't going to be all that different. Because no one ever really got one of these. They're a myth. HOWEVER-- should you manage to score this baby, oh man, you officially just jumped three rungs of the elementary school social strata. Kids from miles around will line up for the opportunity just to see this thing. Trust me, I know. I gave Bobby Miller $2 and my fruit rollups for a week for the privilege.

"We don't have room for that!" your mom will say. "We can't afford it!" your pops will add. "Not even the rich kids whose parents own a quote 'sanitation company' got one of those!" your mom will add to dad's more-valid-than-you'll-realize point. But these are the things Christmas dreams are made of. So go forth, and be a Real American Hero. With a lifesize aircraft carrier. Did I mention it's SEVEN AND A HALF FEET LONG?!

Teddy Ruxpin




This really needs no explanation. It's a stuffed bear that will talk to you! It doesn't really get much more awesome than that, at least if you're me and you're seven years old and you see it advertised on TV everyday and you're an only child and all you ever wan-- you know, I should stop. I'm already getting too emotional. Just get one of these, and let the good times roll.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Goodbye, The Spectrum




So the Spectrum will go bye bye tomorrow, and that makes me sad. I won't go into all of the sappy sentiment that folks do when an old venue is destroyed or decommissioned (if the Montreal Forum can be turned into a mall then nothing's sacred), but I think it safe to say that the folks here know just how much that place meant.

What it had--I speak now of the spirit--you can't explicitly create or later hope to recreate...it just happens. Eventually it becomes part of the character. So for right now I'll recall warmly randomness: the cramped concourse at intermission, the incredibly hip wall of photos so varied in subject as Sinatra, Globetrotters, Bernie Parent, and circus clowns in the tiny box office, and how the lights would go dark as a game began.

I'm going to open up the comments to all below. Feel free to share any memories you have from America's Showplace.

Oh, and here's an awesome 1024 X 768 MS Paint Wallpaper for you of some of the greatest moments in Spectrum history:

Click for full size.





Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sixers Announce "Tanky McLotto", New Mascot





The Sixers today unveiled their new mascot "Tanky McLotto" to a small audience of nonplussed beat writers and distracted team interns. The team believes the new identity helps reflect a fan base that seems to have accepted perpetual losing in addition to capturing the current and future state of Sixers basketball.

Team executive Ed Stefanski:


"Tanky was our guy from the git-go. You look at the direction this team is heading in, the plan of our basketball people, and, I mean, I don't want to call it a no-brainer, but even I knew what had to happen. This is a huge day for the Sixers and the three or four remaining Sixers fans throughout the Delaware Valley... COME TANK WITH US!"

-- Ed Stefanski, General Manager of the Philadelphia 76ers and Bonner grad



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Definition of Claude Giroux



Main Entry
: Giroux

Part of Speech: n
Etymology: French
Definition: The most face-breaking dangler in the NHL;
Example: "Yo, did you see Giroux cause Zbynek Michalek to pull three hamstrings last night with a double toe drag dangle?"



Tuesday, November 16, 2010

BROKEN NEWS (& FACES): ROY HALLADAY WINS 2010 NL CY YOUNG AWARD


Congrats to Roy for being named the greatest pitcher/human that ever lived, and thanks to all of you for making this an awesome season. Here's hoping next season he brings home even better hardware in an even funnerer fashion.

Media: contact zoowithroy-at-gmail.com for quotes, interviews and general face-breaking awesomeness.











A Dramatic Reenactment of Last Night's Eagles Game










Friday, November 12, 2010

COLLEGE BBALL PERVEW (A ZWR @the701Level Guest Post)


By Shep Trumbo and Gil Thorpe
The 701 Level


YOOOOO SPROT ok so lets get don 2 fucklen BARSS TACK sprot fans frist of all YO IT UR BREUHS GIL fucken THORPE n SHEP fucklen TRUMBO n were herr 2 lern u all a lil bit bout COLLGE BASTETBALL in this lil ZOOKEPPER/701 COLLABO fucklen PERVEW yes:


VOLLANOVA


GIL
: Ok so yo lott BRUHS n LADDY BRUHS all like “YO WIDCATS IS DUNN SON cuz fucken guddass TALLASS GUY REGY REDDMAN fucken gradated the GRADAUTE UP along wit SCOOT RENOLDS so now they aint gon be 2 GRATE n also they got fucken clapt up by like sum fucken funnyass TLAKIN AUSTRIANS from SANT MARRYS COLLEG hahahahah all like YO JAY RITE put nuther fucken SHRIP on the BABBIE son yeeeee hahahahaha n all like SHE SAY DONT LEEVE SHE NOT GON FUCKEN MARRRY RICHERD”


“YES SON hahahah fuck RICHERD im gon BANG MY LADDY hahahah yo GO WIDCATS n FUCK CROCODOLES” –crodile DUNDY

but yo spekkin of MARRITAL PROLBBLEMS that wuz the thing lass yer lie fucken CORY FISSER bang scooty laddy the BANG UP or sum sbit mebbe teh otthe way AROUND but anyway aslo fucken CORRY STOKEY got clapt up by the CUPPERS 4 pissin on a HUSE n yeh u no getting his YURONATION on 4 rell son.

“YO COCHE don’t be hattin son I jus had 2 peee rell bad CMON BRUH u no how it go PEEIN fells gudd tho” – cory stoke

But they gon be maddass GUUD this year cuz JAY RITES fucken BRANE is bout as big as DOGU COLLENS or RUBBEN AMAROSOS both rell smat brahs so its gon be a LEGIT YEAR SON mallik WAYANS n aslo JWAN PIKSTON gon clapclap a lil bit sho this WORLD how they do n oh yeh fucken SCOOTU RENOLDS is playin ITALLY now hahahah eastin mettballs prolly so thas gudd.


SHEP
: CORY FISH gun CLAP UP the BIG EST dun even swett it they dun got RONNIE RENOLDS n REGIE RENOLDS no more cuz CORY FISH GUN HOLD IT DOWN n dun forget bout VINCEVAUN PINSTON cuz mememebr that one tiem he fuckt JENIER ANNUSTIN n that FAT CHICK in OLD SCOOL they were brethin HELUM n the romm 2gether n then he NO SNOPP DOG 2 so thats cool


so YEH BABBY kepp a fucklen eye out for VINCEVAUN n CORY u herd it her FIRTS


701 PREDCITIN: finale fucken 4 babby


TAMPLE


SHEP
: LSVAY ALLEN pretty fucken GUDD n ARRON BORN no fucken joek he gun be A10 6 man of the fucken YERR MARK IT THE MARK UP NOW BIRCHSSSSSSS


THEN u got fucken FRANK fucken DUMPY wit his BIGASS RUBEN AMRANIO ANDY REDD SIZE fucklen BRANE n u NO that speels FUNAL FUCKEN 4 BABBY 4RELL


IT 2 fucken bad they lost LUIS GUZMAN tho 4RELL that SPROT fucken SHARKTITS BRUHS



GIL
: Yo 4 rell n GIL AINT EVEN JOKIN arund her TAMPLE gon be fucken gudd as a tit on a fucken tit on yet anuther fuccklen third bigass TIT. CUZ YO fren dunpy the HEDD COCH n he rell SMAT cuz I rember one tiem I was watchin a fucken PHILEYS BROODCAST n like HARRY KALLOS rest in peece brah n LERRY ANNERSON had him on the broodcast n I wuz liek “YO THIS BRAH a fucken BASSETBALL guy so y teh FYCK he on a babsell game???” but then he kepp fucken spekkin n I wuz like “shit he as smart as fucken TOM HAKKS in that moovee where he got hit by a fucklen scerryass COMMET n then he wuz SMART as TIT n he fuckd KYRAN SEGEWICK ye” hahahahh


Yeeeee fucken TOM HAKKS bout 2 get his FUKK on yeeee PHENOMENIN


n yo aslo in the BAKCORT u got fucken guddass pontgard JUN FARNANDAZ n other pont gard RAMOND MORE n then in the FROT CORT u got fucken RAM EMMANUAL n LAVO ALLAN n yeh lie sum other bruh the CENTAR 4 rell n they all got madd guddass ULTIMATE ZONE ATTINGS n yo they got gudd vorps 2 GOO OWLS


701 PREDICTIN: finle fucken 4 BABBY


LASELLE


GIL
: Yo the EXLPORRERS r anuther tem that r prolly gon be the fucken TIT 4 rell son cuz they got sum guddass VETREN EXPERIENCE like JARELL WILLAMS n fucky RUDY GILLUEXAENEUX


EXPLOIRAR BASKETBLAL n a FINASS LADDY: swett fucklen CUMBO

n yeh they jus fucken got EARLY PETTYS who transferred teh fucklen TRANSFURR over from RUCKERS 4 rell n he guuuuuddd son he GUDDD n they got sum guddass asss froshmen wit EXCEPIONALASS VORPS like MATT LOPES whos like 8 fucken FOOT TLAL n aslo MATT MILLS a higly TOTTED GARD


ok GO EXPORERS son u gon clap the BIG FIV no jok hahaahahahahaha son BE EXPLORIN sum fucken FINASS LADDYS 2 prolly liek that hotass OFFOCE BIRCH


“HOOLY TIT is that SHEP N GIL j JOHN GINNINANNI n all them finass EXPORERS hahahah yes SEX TIEM 4 PAM from teh OFFOCE” – pam from teh OFFOCE

cuz yo she livv in SCRENTON n thas NOT 2 @ FUCKEN FAR AWY so u can hav a long DIASTANCE RELASIONSHIP acually FUCK THAT SON jus hit it n QIT IT n commm chill wit SHEP N GIL at 701HQ we all gon be chillin wastin CHEETERS n BURITOS n fucken hangin out wit BILL CLITON n ROY HALLDAY n taht fucken hottass birch from the fucklen SHOPRITE COMMERCAL


SHEP
: SHEPDAWG got 4 FUCKLEN WORDS 4U 4RELL: ARRIC MURRAY RUBEN GILLANDUX JEREL WILSON


N FUCK INJURYS SON LASAL aint havin that shit BRUH


yeeeeeeeeeee son they goin 2 teh FINNAL 4


SUJ



GIL
: Yo son i aint gonn ly it been a wile since I fucken chilt wit the HAKS son but they prolly gon be pretty guud. PHILE MARTELLY an ole ucken PAL of mine n sheps from bakk in the DAY cuz my STEPDAD akak the bruh who wuz sleppin wit my moms 4 a LIL BIT wuz KIM BAPTIST n even tho he wuz a BABSELL playar he still wuz smat as TIT bout BASKETBALLR so he tauht me n SHEP N PHIL COLLENS errything he knew n then he lefft cuz my moms sedd he wuz a fucken DOG so wateve son he still colo in GILS BOKK cuz he boght me a SWETTASS HUFFY BIEK.


“PUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAY HOOOOOOO” – MARTELLY CLAP

Anyway BAKK 2 te PERVEW: fucken DELONTY WEST wuz madd cool cuz he bang LBRON lilbirchass pussayassborchfuckeler SHIT JAMES’’ moms wit us hahaha yeh son n now SUMTIEMS he comm. 2 HQ still 2 this DAY n watch fucken GLEA wit us n ELANE SENFELD so yo that’s MADD FUN even tho he a fucken lamass CELECIC now cuz we still rember when he a SJU HAJK 4 rell.


SHEP
: PHIL MARTINEZ GOT A BIGASS MOTHERFUCKLEN BRANE PLUS HE LOKK LIKE THE RAYMONS POP IN THAT FUNYASS SHOW



hahaha yo GIL memember wen we fuckt DORIS ROBERTS hahahaha SWETTASS OLD PUSSAY BRUH hahahahahahaha plus dude was fucklen FRANKSTEN n he got 2 fuck MADLIN KHAN I think anyway wat u thinks gun happen SPEROTS????????????????????????


SOFMORE FUCKLEN CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


BABBY CARL BAPIST WHERE U AT SON


Yeh FINNLE FOUR SUJ GUN WIN IT ALL THIS YER MARK IT


DREXER


SHEP
: yo FUCK DREXER GIL sup GIL sup KEPPER sup ALLAH


GIL
: FUCK DREXLLE SON r u fucken serios son fuck drexle son


PRAISE ALLAH sup SHEP sup ZOOKEPPER much luv 2 all my BRUHS n LADDY BRUHS 4 rell son

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

ZWR Hand Turkey Showcase, Part 2


See Part 1 here





^ Win














Never again will I underestimate my audience's propensity to indulge my nonsense. Because you guys sent me a lot of freaking hand turkeys. But it's the offseason, and it's not like anyone is reading this anyway, so hell yeah I'm posting nine hand turkeys. Also, I have no idea what that yellow thing is** in the first one, but to be safe let's not even speculate.

A big thanks to everyone for submitting. ZWR readers are the most creative people in the blogosphere, probably.

I have some other reader-submitted stuff that I'll be posting later in the week. Thanks for "reading".

**edit: Mystery solved. Huh.

Monday, November 8, 2010

13 Yr. Old Andy Reid Knows How to Waste a Timeout


So yesterday during the Eagles game I tweeted:


And then today I receive the following:



13 year old Andy Ried must have REALLY been pissed with the outcome of the punt, pass and kick contest, because he just threw that flag farther than Kevin Kolb can throw an actual football...

Thanks to reader Steve for the amazing gif.

This Just Deserves Its Own Post


Just because it does.


Pic ganked from Deadspin




Gif ganked from anonymous internet author



I have some other stuffed planned for the week, but until I get to it, this should do. Yep.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It's the First Annual ZWR Reader Hand Turkey Showcase!



It's that time of year, gang. Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and the smell of freshly glued indian feathers and pilgrim hats is in the air. But as everyone knows, the best elementary-school-style holiday craft is of course the HAND TURKEY. Truth.

So, because ZWR has the greatest readers in the world that are apparently willing to indulge any ridiculous whim yours truly thinks to mention, we now have the makings of the First Annual ZWR Reader Hand Turkey Showcase (round 1).

Let's get to it!

Our first entry comes from @cranekicker of Crane Kick Chronicles fame:




And then @yoitsmissbee broke our faces clean off with the following:


But we had to quickly reassemble our faces, because Tiffany was quick to drop the following knowledge on us:

And finally (at least for this round), @D_AGOSTINO CLAPS US ALL THE FLUCK UP, @the701level style, with this amazingly incredible extra helping of HARDEST CORE FLUCKEN awesomeness:


No seriously, submit your own.

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