Friday, December 31, 2010

Roy Halladay Named I Want to Go to the Zoo With Roy Halladay's 2010 Man of the Year





As Carlos Ruiz made from his knees a throw more difficult than he’d lead you to believe, as Ryan Howard (a colossus not necessarily known for his defensive prowess) gathered his hulking body with as much agility as possible to receive it, as more than 46,000 of the nation’s most passionate fans tensed, their hands locked in prayer and breathless, one man stood stoic to the scene. It’s this heroic calm--the placidity of an ocean that knows it can eat any ship man dares sail across it--that separates Roy Halladay from his peers. That, and his preternatural ability to throw pitches in such a way that they consistently find the strike zone but hardly ever much lumber, of course.

It was just before Christmas of 2009 that the Phillies aquired the 6’6” right-hander affectionately known as “Doc” from the Toronto Blue Jays in a blockbuster, and quite sensational, trade sequence. Though not technically a part of the Halladay deal, the defending National League Champions also swapped playoff hero Cliff Lee to the Seattle Mariners in tandem with the Halladay move. The debate over the wisdom of that Lee trade was heated in the City of Brotherly Love, though general manager Ruben Amaro stifled the flame by recently signing the free agent left-hander out from under the heavily-favored landing spot of New York.

From the outset- a warm Spring day on which Philadelphia’s “Red Army” invaded Washington and turned the nation’s capital into a capital-sized Citizens Bank Park tailgate- Halladay dominated. He finished the season with 211 wins (Editor’s Note: Halladay actually won 21 games, it just felt like 211), threw a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on May 29, and won a Cy Young award in his first season on the Senior Circuit. It was as impressive of an introductory campaign as the Philadelphia organization and Halladay could have hoped for, only to know Halladay- his work ethic, his attention to detail, his ceaseless pursuit of perfection (pardon the pun)- is to understand that he wouldn’t have expected, in as ego-less a manner as possible, any less.

Come October, as Ruiz’s throw landed securely in Howard’s glove, a step ahead of Brandon Phillips, Halladay coolly watching on, the procession marched on. Started in Winter, ended in Autumn, four seasons paced (did we mention that he bought his teammates and Phillies staff extravagant Baume & Mercier watches to thank them for his perfect game?) by the clockwork brilliance of Halladay. And that’s why Doc is our 2010 Person of the Year.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Zoo or Bust


The Things We Remember


This week zoowithroy.com/bolgsopt is just abandoned warehouse walls out the window of the R7. As you sit there heavy-eyed, your iPod set to the zOMG Duldrums playlist, daydreaming about hanging out and drinking ironic beers with your cousins, (pretending not to look at the girl in the scarf across the aisle (or to care that she's there, which is easier)) the images pass equally in a haze.


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from ZWR



From all of us (me, the zoo, MS Paint Roy Halladay, some donkey, the Nag, the Wah, contributors, SPMPC) to all of you (Meech--without whom this likely doesn't happen, the billions of twinker fans, other blogs that are friends of the bolg, everyone who sent in kind words, folks zmailing pics of themselves from all over the world wearing a ZWR shirt, Jersey Shore Jen Miller, Whole Camels, BackSheGoes.com, formerly reputable media outlets that actually mentioned me (i mean really, the New York Times?), Dana Jacobson, contributors, that guy at East Coast Television who set up the camera in that dark closet-like room for the ESPN First Take interview, Phillies employees that I know read the bolg, Winnie Cooper, Keith Law, CLIFF LEE, Leonard Weaver, AJ Daulerio, fake Jon Heyman, SHEP & GIL, anyone who has ever linked us twinked us or tweeted us, Milt Thompson, Myers, Philly Kelly, that one MLBPA legal clerk and all the ZWR enthusiasts around the world):

Have a safe, happy, and blessed Holiday... and a Phillies-Win-the-World-Series-and-Roy-Halladay-Actually-Does-Go-to-the-Zoo-With-Me New Year!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Another Cliff Lee and Jayson Werth Video


This is one probably worth it just for the costumes and the animations alone. Oh, and Wertz's dance about halfway through. Make sure you stay for that part.

From the ZWR-chives: The 20 Wins of Roysmas


Guess what I'm doing today? Here's a hint, it rhymes with "fleating eweventy wookies and netting frunk at dunch". And such, esteemed stakeholders, begins the great mailing-it-in-of-Christmas-2010. In that vein, here's a great song I wrote about three months ago, with an accompanying animation of Jayson Werth doing a BOOTYBOUNCE (also old). I'll still Twinker dumb stuff and all so don't cry.

Oh, and there may or may not be a facebreaking facebreaker amongst facebreakers about to hit the shop. Look for it just as Santa makes his final approach. Trust me on this one. As always, thanks for the supporting the bolg, and have a wonderful non-denominational, overly commercialized holiday! ~ Love, ZWR



Originally posted on September 22, 2010 in honor of Roy's 20th win:

Come along, children, scoot over here by the old piano. Yes, you may bring your cookies and cocoa with you. You know what time it is? Yup- time to sing my favorite Choochtober Carol of the whooooooooooole holiday season. Anyone know which one that is? That's right, "The Twenty Wins of Roysmas"! You all remember how it goes? Well then let's start...


(Upon a soft intro from the ivory keys, with a velvety Bing Crosby voice)

On the First Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me domination in Washington, DC

On the Second Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me a complete game against a future co-Roy and domination in Washington, DC

On the Third Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Fourth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Fifth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Sixth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me nine Ks against the Cards, SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Seventh Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Eighth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Ninth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Tenth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Eleventh Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Twelfth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Thirteenth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me just one run by the Marlins, 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUT-OUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Fourteenth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me the joy of watching the Mets stink like feet, just one run by the Marlins, 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUTOUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Fifteenth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me Zoinks it's the Mets again!!!, the joy of watching the Mets stink like feet, just one run by the Marlins, 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUTOUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Sixteenth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me no runs by the Natinals, Zoinks it's the Mets again!!!, the joy of watching the Mets stink like feet, just one run by the Marlins, 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUTOUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Seventeenth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me enough to beat the Brewers and to be honest that's fine because there were a bunch of games before this when they weren't scoring any runs for him even though he's so freaking awesome I mean come on (no offense, Dave Sardineface), no runs by the Natinals, Zoinks it's the Mets again!!!, the joy of watching the Mets stink like feet, just one run by the Marlins, 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUTOUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Eighteenth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me seriously the Mets just stop trying, enough to beat the Brewers and to be honest that's fine because there were a bunch of games before this when they weren't scoring any runs for him even though he's so freaking awesome I mean come on (no offense, Dave Sardineface), no runs by the Natinals, Zoinks it's the Mets again!!!, the joy of watching the Mets stink like feet, just one run by the Marlins, 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUTOUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Nineteenth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me nine more strike-outs as we surge toward Choochtober, seriously the Mets just stop trying, enough to beat the Brewers and to be honest that's fine because there were a bunch of games before this when they weren't scoring any runs for him even though he's so freaking awesome I mean come on (no offense, Dave Sardineface), no runs by the Natinals, Zoinks it's the Mets again!!!, the joy of watching the Mets stink like feet, just one run by the Marlins, 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUTOUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC

On the Twentieth Win of Roysmas, HLH gave to me another win in the biggest series of the season (so far, you just wait, because this season is special), nine more strike-outs as we surge toward Choochtober, seriously the Mets just stop trying, enough to beat the Brewers and to be honest that's fine because there were a bunch of games before this when they weren't scoring any runs for him even though he's so freaking awesome I mean come on (no offense, Dave Sardineface), no runs by the Natinals, Zoinks it's the Mets again!!!, the joy of watching the Mets stink like feet, just one run by the Marlins, 27 dead snakes, omg he walked a guy! (8 innings, no runs), another complete game against the oh so gentle Braves, a road victory at home against the Blue Jays in a game I wasn't at, seven strong against the Pads, SO PERFECT 5/29, nine Ks against the Cards, SHUTOUT LOLMETS, a shut-out against the Braves who were already going gentle, broken faces in his home debut, a complete game against a future co-Roy, and domination in Washington, DC


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

New York Sucks: A Critical Review and Interpretation* of Black Swan


On the surface, Darren Aronofsky's dreamlike, often disturbing film, is an interpretative depiction of the depraved depths artists will willingly navigate to reach the pinnacle of their field—in this case, New York City ballet stardom, and drug-induced Sapphic lovemaking. But upon closer (much, much closer, deeper, more detailed) inspection the underlying message of the Aronofsky’s cryptic tome—brilliantly acted by Natalie Portman and that girl from That 70’s Show and the movie where Nick Andopolis shows his junk--comes to light.

This is a film critical of New York’s imbalanced sense of self-importance, entitlement and arrogance in a post-Madoff, defiantly Bloomberg, never had-Cliff Lee world. Whereas art is most likely perfected when one can find the rare symbiosis of worlds dueling yet interminably entrenched in one another (this brings Albert Pinkham Ryder to mind, personally)--that in which it is organic vice another where everything seemingly defies the essence of the artistic- -the modern day Gotham isn’t so much opposed to culture as it is suffocating in a vacuum of its illusion.

It is fitting then for this film to be released at a time when the New York sports scene’s pomposity and child-like petulance is on full national display. Fresh on the heels of a postseason loss to Cliff Lee’s surprising Rangers from Texas (of all places), concurrent to the Lee family’s public rejection of the New York ethos, and just before its proudest football team architected a historic collapse not altogether un-reminiscent of 2008’s de-robed Wall Street emperors, New York is reeling.

And I haven’t even made mention of Lebron James’ mid-summer spurning of the Big Apple; the King who rejected the self-appointed kingmakers. So intoxicated by its own entitlement the city has been, for so long, that it finds itself now left wandering confused, alienated somewhere between curmudgeonly miser and peasant girl, trying despite its better judgment to invest in Amar’e Stoudemire and turn their sails to the the bluster provided by Humorcane Rex.

Contrast Nina Sayers to a prior role of Portman's set in New York (state), in Ted Demme's Beautiful Girls. There, her 13 year old Marty--the precocious and refreshingly forward neighbor of lead Timothy Hutton--is duel cast as a Dolores Haze (or if you prefer, Dolly, Lola, Lo, L, etc.) and the wind-nipped face of wisdom. Perhaps, more importantly, she represents the potential inherent in innocence uncompromised. In Black Swan, the message is that there are no longer any thoughts of innocence.

Likewise, New York is no longer the center of the sports universe it haughtily believes it wrought. That title, for now, belongs to the white swan unfurling its feathers 100 miles to the south.

Black Swan: A-



* Note: author has not yet viewed Black Swan. For the literal amongst you, this was a completely absurd parody.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Post-Cliffpocalypse Parenthetical Miracle Monday Miscellaneous



Okay so I set out to clean up the old Z-mail inbox today (and yo, I've been getting a lot of e-mail lately so if I don't reply or otherwise acknowledge your message don't think I didn't see it, or that you're a bad person or that your idea for a copyright-infringing t-shirt was unfunny or that I'm intentionally ignoring you. The truth is I probably did see your e-mail and appreciated it but I got otherwise distracted doing something else, or the Nag yelled to take out the trash, or it got lost in the midst of a trillion t-shirt orders or something) and a couple things were pretty awesome.

The first is this .gif from the good dudes over at The Wiz Wit:




Then some drunk girls (Emily, Christine and Katie) sent the following artwork of the Phils' rotation imagined as farm animals. Apparently they have children's place mats and crayons at Philly area Irish pubs. Probably for transplanted New York fans. OMG, sick burn.

Feel free to analyze their interpretations in the comments:

If only "Neigh-Moo-Cock-a-Doodle-Quack-Oink" rolled off the tongue like Phour Loko.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Desean Jackson Tecmo Bowl Punt Return, Part 2


Should work on iPhone, iPad, C64, etc...

Desean Jackson's Tecmo Bowl Punt Return


Yes, please.

No I didn't make this. I saw it on this guy's YouTube. Help his video get a billionty views.

So That Just Happened...


Associated Press facebreaking image


Also -- BRAND NEW video from my new fake intern, @NotEricForman...



Anyway. Yeah... so I didn't want to do this I just kind of feel like it's expected of me at this point.

Actually that's a lie, I totally needed to make this:

6857527-17457378

Friday, December 17, 2010

Miscellaneous Wertz Stuff



Saddest gajillionaire ever:


Or maybe not?




So yesterday I put told the Twitter I needed an intern, and some dude that is totally not Eric Forman submitted the following YouTube video as his application. Insta-hire?







And finally, I think it's time we pay our proper respects to the bearded piggy bank.

Goodbye old friend, you'll be missed.




It's a Friday Fist Pump Phoursome!


So just when I thought people were finally done sending me Cole Hamels fist pump photoshops*, I received this one. I think you'll all agree it's pretty excellent, and kind of wraps up this week's festivities quite nicely.

Submitted by reader Christine, who is currently failing her economics exam:

National League batters: So Fisted


* If you care to re-live the whole thing, here are the links:
Part I
Part II
Part 3
Part IV
Part V
Special bonus


Also, I'd like to think this is how every Phillies fan reacted when the Cliff Lee news broke:


Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Conversation: Cliff Lee and Jayson Werth



During yesterday's introductory press conference/RAJ smugoff wang dangle, Cliff Lee noted concerning Jayson Werth: “When he found out I was coming here, he wasn’t the happiest person in the world..." INTRIGUE!

Well, lucky for you donkeys, I have the actual conversation that took place (and somehow it's in script form). Enjoy...



FADE IN:

INT. BOUNCE U - EVENING

WERTZ, sweating furiously, gets off of a trampoline and takes a huge gulp of chocolate milk. He takes a deep breath, looks about, and begins to stretch. His cell phone rings. He looks to the ceiling, then behind his back, under his shoe, and finally picks it up off the table in front of him. CLIFF LEE is on the other end.

WERTZ: Hello?

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Jayson?

WERTZ: Wait what.

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Jayson- it's Cliff.

WERTZ: Cliff who?

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Cliff Lee.

WERTZ: Wait, who?

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Dude, I pitched for the Phillies two years ago. Came over during the season.

WERTZ (excitedly): Pedro!

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): No. The white guy.

WERTZ: I don’t see color.

CLIFF LEE (Frustrated, under his breath): Oh good lord.

WERTZ takes another sip of chocolate milk.

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Jayson- I won two games during the World Series.

WERTZ: Doesn’t ring a bell.

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Pitched a complete game in my first start.

WERTZ: I got nothin’.

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Left hander. Number 34.

WERTZ: Drawing a blank, here.

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): I bought you chicken fingers in Los Angeles.

WERTZ (Startled, with excitement): OHMYGOD CLIFF LEE!!! Why didn’t you say so? What's up, broseph?!

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Yeah, so, I’m just sort of calling the guys- and I still consider you one- to let them know that… hey, you can keep a secret, right?

WERTZ: Dude, I so can. I had a beard all last year and didn’t tell anyone!

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Right. Anyway- I’m gonna sign with the Phillies tonight.

As Lee says this, a group of children climb into the giant oversized-boxing-glove inflatable arena, which also happens to be Wertz’s favorite.

WERTZ: Are you shitting me?!?!!

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): I’m sorry. If I could have told you sooner I would have. I didn’t…

WERTZ: I can’t believe this!!! Listen, Kyle, I gotta run. I’ll call you back.

CLIFF LEE (V.O.): Sure. Hey- sorry man.

WERTZ: Okay whatever.

Fade to black.

Fade up from black:




End Scene.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

CLIFF LEE is a Phillies


Here's what happened at the CLIFF LEE press conference today*:

Ruben: "Smug smug smug forced humor smug smug I am a golden god everyone genuflect."

Cliff Lee: "Basically, Philadelphia is the greatest town ever and I would probably work here for free even though 100 million is also nice. Obviously, blah blah blah sold out games great fans, fans rule, love the fans, love the Phillies and the Liberty Bell. And dude, the bacon wrapped scallops were off the hook. Eskin, jesus christ, shouldn't you be over at the Linc? And yeah, I talked to Wertz, and dude--let me tell you--he is PISSED. Bwaha, oh well."


Beloved prankster Roy Oswalt even made an appearance at today's festivities.

*paraphrashed

Closure


The Wertz is gone. The Wertz has gonnnneee awwayyyy.

Yet without the beard, it just doesn't have any impact. So I'm totally over it. Have a good time with the Natinals, Jayson.

Oh, and did you hear your best buddy Cliff came back after you left? I know, awesome! Ciao!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Facebreaking Phour Loko R2C2 Phour Tops H2O-Lee-Sh*t Wallpaper



From our buddy Andy at SeasonTicketPhotos.com (you may remember him from this bolg post) comes this:


Click the image for full resolution pic for wallpapering purposes

You're welcome, the internet.

And thanks, Andy!

-------

Also, the following was sent in by reader Steve. Nice work:




In Which ZWR Single-handedly Saves Print Journalism



Yo, it seems the Inquirer's John Gonzalez, aka the Square Hair of Mount Airy, has a mancrush on Zoo With Roy. In this article about the CLIFFPOCALYPSE he refers to yours truly as "the incomparable zoowithroy.com." Huh.

But really who can blame him?

And it's not totally unrequited, Gonzo, unless you'd rather have a feud, which could be good for the both of us (probably more for you than me, though, because I'm already universally adored). Plus, you're somewhat known for being incendiary. Just throwing it out there. Get back to me.

Oh, I also got mentioned in this Daily News article.

-----------

Oh, and since we're on the topic of awesomeness, I feel it's my duty to relay to you, dear reader, that Spreadshirt is promising that all shirts will be delivered by Christmas. But you MUST order by the end of the day today. They even have a little countdown clock on their homepage and everything.

And while you're in the holiday spirit, you might as well take advantage of FREE SHIPPING on purchases of $50 or more (that's only 2 shirts, if you were a liberal arts major). Just use code "FREESHIPPING" at checkout.

I mean really. Have you seen this stuff?


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Rambling, Sleep-Deprived Cliff Lee Post With Ruben Amaro Photoshops



"Good night, good night sweet baby
The world has more for you
Than it seems

Goodnight, goodnight

Let the moonlight take the lid off your dreams"


And so you woke to the news that the Philadelphia Phillies- your Philadelphia Phillies- signed CLIFTON PHIFER LEE. Yes, Cliff Lee. No, for real, Cliff Lee. The guy they traded for a left wing and a drug runner to make room for Roy Halladay. Remember- the trade that made everyone all angry? Yeah, of course you do, because we never forgot about it. But there's no need to even get into that because he's back. He's back he's back he's back Cliff Lee is back he's on the Phillies he's pitching with Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt and Cliff Lee is so back.

"...I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the cap on my head like the Roys and Cole used or shall I wear a red yes and how he signed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and agreed to less money but more happiness yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. "

"But ZWR, are you happy that the Yankees got left at the altar?!" Yes, I am. "But ZWR, isn't that petty?!?!?!!" No, shut up. You remember Matsui's home run against Pedro? I do. How about Mark Teixeira's stupid face? P'shaw to the Yankees.


"I'm gonna need to be taking those."

Just like that! BOOM! It had to be. Or something similar. Cliff LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Another thing that occurred to me but only for a moment is what this means for the bullpen. Lucky for us, the dorks over at The Good Phight already kicked around some numbers. Checka check it: click here

And everyone else has said this but we have never been the team that guys want to go to, let alone take less money to play for. Think about that. I demand it! And days like this, it doesn’t even matter that you didn’t sleep, or that you got less than three hours of sleep or whatever. Because this is craziness. This is what you live for. This right here, this is our time.

Moby Dick wouldn't be the book it is had Ahab captured the white whale. Somehow, in real life, Ruben Amaro has caught two- and the story's perfect.


It seems we have, as a fan base, been reminding each other to "enjoy this" a lot of late (as if still in partial disbelief that it's happening to us). Enjoy the World Series, enjoy trading for Cliff Lee, enjoy getting Roy Halladay, enjoy perfect games, enjoy playoff no-hitters, enjoy a superstar core, enjoy Cliff Lee resigning here for less money, etc. The vibe around the Phillies and amongst their fans is just spectacular.

While there are no guarantees for the future, I think it apt for all of you-- the donkeys tweeting, creating fan groups, writing blogs, posting diatribes on message boards, buying Matt Stairs shirts, invading opponent stadiums, turning Lot K into Lot K, mailing shirts to Jim Tracy, recruiting Logan Morrison, getting bought out by Comcast, and selling out CBP each and every game-- to take a moment and acknowledge that you are contributing greatly to its anticipated successes, and have in large part to those most recent.




Postscript
When asked for comment on the recent signing, David Wright replied, "F*** this, I quit."



The Meeting, Part 2 - Featuring CLIFF LEE


CLIFF LEE CLIFF LEE CLIFTON PHIFER LEE GAHHHH HOLY SH*T




Update: new shirts have arrived just in time for the holidays! R2C2! Mystery Team! White font on red t-shirts! click here--well, anywhere in this whole sentence, really

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

So Roy Halladay Went Fishing with the Roy Halladay of Fishing



I'm not much of a fisherman. In fact, I can't actually remember ever catching anything (and I even went night fishing down the shore, where you're supposed to get flounders or blue fish or whatever no matter how much of a donkey you are). In the interest of full disclosure, though, I should likely note that my refusal to touch anything live may have played a role in that.

Whenever we went to a lake or creek, I insisted on using corn meal for bait, because I wasn't touching any worms. When we were at the ocean, I'd only use lures. God Bless my poor old man. Come to think of it, it's a good thing I never was successful, because I'm pretty sure I'm afraid to touch fish, too. Huh.

But anyway, I digress...

From left to right: Hanley Ramirez, Roy Halladay, Pro Fisher Dude

According to ESPN, the Phillies sent Roy on an all-expenses paid celebrity fishing trip with some guy named Skeet Reese (no seriously, real person) as a reward for his perfect face-breaking of the Marlins. Which is pretty cool I guess. Hopefully though Rube didn't make the front office staff pawn their watches to fund the trip.

Some quotes:
"Roy was quiet at first, but as the evening wore on, we talked about family, our careers and, of course, bass fishing," Reese said.
Humility. Roy's a humble, giant fish killing machine. Love it.
"I was a little intimidated at first to get a chance to meet Skeet," Halladay said. "But it only took a few minutes to find out what a down-to-earth guy he is, and he made the whole day something I'll remember.
WAIT WHAT. I seriously couldn't love Roy Halladay any more.



Seen above: flutter lures
I post this for no other reason than as an excuse to allow me to make a SO FLUTTERED reference. Seriously. I spent three minutes researched fishing terminology to see if there was anything that rhymed with cuttered. You're welcome.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Phillies As Beloved Christmas Special Characters





Shane Victorino = Ralphie Parker
Feisty, foul-mouthed, pugnacious little fella that sure as sh*t goes and hurts himself doing exactly what you told him not to do. Not a great student, largely because he's often caught chasing random whims or daydreaming about violent things. Dresses ridiculously. With all that said, you almost always find yourself rooting for Ralphie, and are happy he's yours.




Jimmy Rollins = Snoopy
The little guy laughs, is spontaneously emotional, dances his little heart out, does a killer penguin (branding, yo) walk, and is the undisputed style icon of this group. His flash can totally win a "cash prize". Remarkably able to simultaneously be part of the core and totally in his own sphere.


Charlie = Rudolph
Their peers used to make fun of them, and thought they were a joke. Heck, peers and fans alike even called them names. But, like Rudolph, Charlie ultimately proved to be the right choice one to guide the Phillies World Championship sleigh.

"Well son, you know like I think like I'm gonna like have to take you outta the game."


Chase Utley = Linus

He's calmly reassuring all the while, even in those moments where his weaknesses are apparent. Despite those, you never lose faith in him, which is good, because every year--right when you need it--he comes to center stage and says, "lights please"...



Jayson Werth = Yukon Cornelius

A big-bearded marauder out in his own world looking for that big pile of silver and gold.


Cole Hamels = Hermey the Dentist
He's not a misfit! He's not a nitwit! He's just... different, in his own way. Sure he’s quirky, but the kid's solid, and very good at what he does. So just sort of leave him be.

You must watch this:



Ruben Amaro = Scrooge (McDuck)
Has a thorny demeanor because he never quite fit in. There's very little evidence to dispute the claim that he resents everyone. Despite this, and his smug fronts, deep down he really does just want to wake up, throw open the windows, and start hurling money around.


Joe Blanton = Frosty the Snowman
He's round, comes to life when you tell him to, and starts sweating once it gets over 32 degrees.




Carlos Ruiz = Max the Dog
Strong tiny legs, loyal, fancy headwear, and actually quite adorable. If you’re not careful, you’d just think him an innocuous sidekick. The true observer, though, realizes almost immediately that Chooch is vital not only to the narrative, but the overall success achieved in the tale. (And the Zoos down in Zooville all cried “Chooch, Woo-Hoo!”)



Logan Morrison = Buddy the Elf
He's not from around here, and may never actually may be one of us, but his charming naivety and jovial pursuit of happy--despite the grumpy world around him--ultimately teaches us a little bit about ourselves and how we all have that same innocent, joy-seeking spirit deep down inside. Just as Buddy is not technically an actual elf, @LoMoMarlins is not technically an actual Phillies--but you just try to convince him and his adoring phans otherwise.

Also, I assume that he sings with naked chicks in showers.



Dallas Green = The Heat Miser
From Wikipedia: "Heat Miser is a blustery, quick-tempered hothead who is ultimately harmless." Huh, what do you know.

Also, the resemblance: uncanny.


Polanco = Shrek
Consistent if not often underwhelming, talks with a thick accent, AND HAS A HUGE HEAD


Roy Halladay = Jesus Christ

Sunday, December 5, 2010

To: Wertz, From: ZWR




Thank you and good luck. For real.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sources Reveal Jayson Werth Contract Negotiation Details


It was widely reported nowhere necessarily real last week that Jayson Werth reportedly received a contract offer from the Phils. I was eating lots of pumpkin pie, and things are crazy on the Auburn Board of Trustees these days, but I can finally share what my sources (aka WertzyLeaks and "Bill" from Mt. Airy...note: not their real names) have indicated to me.

SHARED- Wertz actually did receive three offers from the organization. Two were largely similar in terms of length, and the other more open-ended in nature and driven by Wertz's team. The details:

Offer One: Three years, $57M, unlimited Chipotle, two ZWR shirts, and he gets to coach first base during road games.

Offer Two: Four years, $75M, ownership of www.thefightins.com domain, unlimited annoying Groupon e-mails, and he gets to change his uniform number to "Four Loko".


Offer Three: $16,666,666 for one minute, with an attached agreement to serve in the capacity of "awesome baseball stud" for the 2011 season gratis. Wertz pushed this, as it will allow him to tell people that his wage is one billion dollars an hour.

BEARDED PIGGY BANK!!!
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