Friday, January 21, 2011

"It's a Rebus!"

A Clean, Level-Headed Response to the Kyle Kendrick Signing by a Real Life Nerd

Whenever I feel like reading about the farm system and getting confused by statistical measures I've never heard of and/or can't bring myself to care about understanding, I head on over to Phuture Phillies (I kid... it's a tremendous site for any fan, highly recommend it, check it out, etc.). Roughly to that second point I asked chief scribe James to give me a guest piece with his take on the recent re-signing of Kyle Kendrick.

You see, I was hoping for inclusion into some explanation floating in the ether as to how it was actually a shrewd move, because frankly I don't get it and assume Jonathan Franzen or my new title sponsor [yeah I don't have one screw you] would be just as good an option every fifth start. You know, a nice "No no no don't worry ZWR- Kendrick's BABIP was incredibly high last year, and his xFIP and park-adjusted ERA+ suggest that he's actually in the top third in terms of value for fifth starters"- some mumbo jumbo like that.

But no, instead I got this:

"i sat here at work for an hour, word document open, trying to outline my hate. and i cant do it. i dont know what is happening to me. i mean, i hate his dumb face. the deer in the headlights look. i just cant write it out. i wanted to. trust me, any chance i get to take a shot at kendrick is normally one im going to go after with all my force, but im struggling here. if something hits me later today ill send it along. this is....devastating."

There you go. YAY! Eh, we're still gonna win about 143 games so who really cares.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

There's a Storm Coming

Courtesy of the lovely and talented PET RAZOR, visiting Professor Emeritus of Multimedia Arts,


Friday, January 14, 2011

What Your New Zodiac Sign Says About Your Philadelphia Fandom

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
You hate every team that is not from Philadelphia, even though you know nothing about them, or the sports they participate in. Your uncle was in the mob.

Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11

You attended the 1999 NFL Draft and proudly booed Donovan McNabb (everyone else wanted Ricky Williams, but you heard Ray Didinger liked Cade McNown and agreed). Later that day you started a fist fight, because f**k that Jets fan what the f**k was he lookin’ at?

Pisces: March 11- April 18

You think Bobby Abreu's vag is allergic to walls (and that Kevin Kolb should start because he can “read defenses”).

Aries: April 18 - May 13
Your favorite players of all time are Gregg Garrity, Mike Gminski, Brian Finneran (if only he didn’t drop that one pass. Fat Reid!), Shawn Antoski and Mickey Morandini.

Taurus: May 13 - June 21
You probably just finished some cardio. In fact, you’re awesome and throw perfect games and I want to go to the zoo with you.

Gemini: June 21 - July 20
You’ve never heard of MLB.TV, think Ryan Howard is from the same high school as Darryl Strawberry, and call him Bill Durbin, but damned if you didn’t drop $325 a ticket for Game Four of the NLCS.

Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
You wear jerseys that are too old to be modern, but not old enough to be retro. And they’re usually the dumb ones. I’m talking the John LeClair weird silvery outline thing, the white Irving Fryar, and your Scott Rolen All-Star jammy jam. When it’s cold you sport a team colored turtleneck under a sweatshirt. No for real keep at it.

Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16

In sixth grade you joined “The Flyers Club” as an after-school activity just so you could try and hang out with the cool kids. But you were soon found out as you embarrassingly asked the teacher, “What’s a power play?” in front of the whole club.

Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
You never wanted Bobby Abreu to leave, and still think that his "can't win with him" reputation is attributable more to the surrounding cast than any given lack of intangibles. (Most compatible with: Pisces)

Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
You wear khakis and/or boots to a pick-up basketball game. Like, seriously, you knew we wanted to play a real game of five on five and you showed up in your Best Buy uniform. Why would you even bother? No, you can’t run and jump the same. Yes, I know it’s just for fun, but come on. God I hate your face.

Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Don’t name your kid Chase, I mean it. No. Repeat after me: “I will not name my son Chase.”

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
You live and die with every single move your teams make, but you're also a gullible soul who fell for that "Manny Ramirez to the Phillies" rumor at least six separate times between 2006 and 2008. At one point were convinced that Barry Sanders was coming out of retirement to finally give the Eagles the running game they so desperately needed.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20
One more than one occasion you’ve strongly considered getting a “Dallas Sucks” tattoo, and you probably have a tendency to embarrass your friends in public. But for the love of God, please take that Calvin-peeing-on-the-Dallas-star sticker off the back of your Dodge.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

About the Time a Spy Charted Roy Halladay's Workout But My Spy Found Him Out And Sent His Report to Me and I Posted it to the Bolg

Without causing a security breech, let's just say that ZWR deploys spies to watch the other guys' spies. So when one of my field agents in Clearwater recently noticed a hefty line-bearded gentleman wearing "dungaree" shorts, a Surf Style windbreaker, and hightop FILAs at the Phillies training complex, he took it upon himself to check into the situation.

Turns out it was exactly as you'd expect--a Mets scout charting Roy Halladay's daily workouts. The genius left his notebook unattended when his wife called to tell him about his daughters' (Gina, Tina, Gabriella, Maria, Mia, Angela, Noella, Isabella, Deena, and Gabagool) recital, and my spy donkey swooped in and ganked it.

The details:

6:00 AM Gets off treadmill. Display reads "Activity Complete! Good Job! Workout Summary: 150 minutes, 23.4 miles, Elevation 3,200 ft"

6:02 - 6:35 AM 924 one-handed push-ups

6:36 - 7:00 AM 1,328 standard push-up

7:00 - 7:05 AM nap

7:06 – 8:00 AM Reviews video of every 2011 opponent’s at-bats from the 2010 season, on fast-forward via iPad. Fills seven composition books with notes written in what appears to be Latin. Brilliant.

8:01 – 8:03 AM Consumes pitcher full of egg whites en route to ice bath

8:03 – 8:10 AM Lower body ice bath while military pressing clubhouse attendant for 10 sets of 15 reps each

8:11- 9:00 AM Sprints on stairs-first backwards, then forwards—both up and down, of entire Brighthouse complex

9:01 – 9:30 AM Re-chalks foul lines and batter’s box and fertilizes outfield grass with environmentally friendly totally organic mixture

9:30 – 10:00 AM Watches Rugrats

10:01 AM Kyle Kendrick arrives to complex

10:02 AM Halladay leaves complex via BMW 7-series with fat ass rims

10:53 AM Kendrick finishes workout and leaves complex

10:55 AM Halladay arrives back at complex with newly cleaned BMW 7-series with fat ass rims and pine tree air freshener in mirror. His clothes are a somewhat soiled, I think he may have washed car himself

10:56 – 11:30 AM Incalculable amount (in total weight and repetitions) of free weight training

11:31- 12:00 AM “Extreme” yoga, with ankle and wrist weights

12:01 AM – 12:05 PM Nap

12:06- 12:15 PM Another pitcher of egg whites, consumed this time with head of lettuce and a side of hand-braised bison.

12:16 – 1: 25 PM Crabwalks the stadium stairs while taking charity conference call

1:26 – 1:30 PM Jumping Jacks

1:31 – 3:30 PM Pitches simulated game against minor league affiliate left-handed. (3 hit shutout)

3:31 Tells minor leaguers he’s taking them to Pizza Hut… after he “does a few laps”

3:31 – 5:45 Runs laps


After that, the notes cut off, but there you have it. Way to go, ZWR spies.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Jesus Christ, Zoo With R

The Phillies just signed Juan Carlos Romero, but the bolg's got the JC, yo. Check what ZWR enthusiast Daniel sent in from Brazil:

Kind of changes everything you ever thought about religion, huh?

Friday, January 7, 2011


Yeah, I mean, half of you have probably seen this by now (or the original, non-metal version), but that doesn't make it any less awesome. Or does it? Huh.

Coincidentally, this is basically how I reacted when we signed CLIFF LEE. Thanks to everyone who sent this in.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

It's a Frap (irony retro)

I'm all for creative expression, so you can imagine my delight when I stopped by the local independent, anti-establishment, free-Wifi-boasting, hiply unhip, owned-and-operated-by-someone-who-used-to-do-the-corporate-grind-but-couldn't-take-it-anymore-if-you-don't-believe-it-read-the-article-from-The-Gazette-framed-on-the-wall-over-by-the-hemp-tshirts coffee shop the other night to sip a cappucino while visiting my favorite The Walking Dead message board and saw Jordan Zimmermann doing a folksy acoustic set.

At any rate, he must be a Belle & Sebastian fan, for he belted this to my
"I can tell you what I'm thinking
But it never seems to do you good
It's beyond me what a girl can see
I'm only lucid when I'm writing songs.
This is just a modern ball song
This is just a sorry lament
They've got Cliff Lee, Cole, and both the Roys
They're gonna win the f***ing pennant.
The Braves are full of good intentions
The Mets a doucheface patrol
The Marlins are cute, have LoMo and all, but they've got no farking shot at

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Chooch and I Ponder a Pitching Rotation, Chicken Nuggets

Secret fast food places are notorious for having awesome indoor jungle gyms

So last week Carlos Ruiz and I were at the secret Chick-fil-A that's open on Sundays for super celebrities and the topic of his noted affinity for wryly humorous metaphors came up (it was around the third beer--secret Chick-Fil-A is also secret BYOB, FYI):
"So, ZWR, what's your take on our current pitching situation?", he asked.

"It's rather amazing, I'd say, Chooch", I said... to Chooch. He looked up from his perfectly breaded nuggets.

"It's almost as if anyone can be our fifth starter. I mean that on a deeper level, too, ZWR. It's allusory and--somewhat comically, mind you--concrete."

"Concur, Chooch. Concur."
As we turned our attention back to our respectively delicious and super secret Sunday lunches, the promise of the 2011 season filled the air.

I nodded. Chooch smiled--and ate another nugget.

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