Wednesday, January 12, 2011

About the Time a Spy Charted Roy Halladay's Workout But My Spy Found Him Out And Sent His Report to Me and I Posted it to the Bolg

Without causing a security breech, let's just say that ZWR deploys spies to watch the other guys' spies. So when one of my field agents in Clearwater recently noticed a hefty line-bearded gentleman wearing "dungaree" shorts, a Surf Style windbreaker, and hightop FILAs at the Phillies training complex, he took it upon himself to check into the situation.

Turns out it was exactly as you'd expect--a Mets scout charting Roy Halladay's daily workouts. The genius left his notebook unattended when his wife called to tell him about his daughters' (Gina, Tina, Gabriella, Maria, Mia, Angela, Noella, Isabella, Deena, and Gabagool) recital, and my spy donkey swooped in and ganked it.

The details:

6:00 AM Gets off treadmill. Display reads "Activity Complete! Good Job! Workout Summary: 150 minutes, 23.4 miles, Elevation 3,200 ft"

6:02 - 6:35 AM 924 one-handed push-ups

6:36 - 7:00 AM 1,328 standard push-up

7:00 - 7:05 AM nap

7:06 – 8:00 AM Reviews video of every 2011 opponent’s at-bats from the 2010 season, on fast-forward via iPad. Fills seven composition books with notes written in what appears to be Latin. Brilliant.

8:01 – 8:03 AM Consumes pitcher full of egg whites en route to ice bath

8:03 – 8:10 AM Lower body ice bath while military pressing clubhouse attendant for 10 sets of 15 reps each

8:11- 9:00 AM Sprints on stairs-first backwards, then forwards—both up and down, of entire Brighthouse complex

9:01 – 9:30 AM Re-chalks foul lines and batter’s box and fertilizes outfield grass with environmentally friendly totally organic mixture

9:30 – 10:00 AM Watches Rugrats

10:01 AM Kyle Kendrick arrives to complex

10:02 AM Halladay leaves complex via BMW 7-series with fat ass rims

10:53 AM Kendrick finishes workout and leaves complex

10:55 AM Halladay arrives back at complex with newly cleaned BMW 7-series with fat ass rims and pine tree air freshener in mirror. His clothes are a somewhat soiled, I think he may have washed car himself

10:56 – 11:30 AM Incalculable amount (in total weight and repetitions) of free weight training

11:31- 12:00 AM “Extreme” yoga, with ankle and wrist weights

12:01 AM – 12:05 PM Nap

12:06- 12:15 PM Another pitcher of egg whites, consumed this time with head of lettuce and a side of hand-braised bison.

12:16 – 1: 25 PM Crabwalks the stadium stairs while taking charity conference call

1:26 – 1:30 PM Jumping Jacks

1:31 – 3:30 PM Pitches simulated game against minor league affiliate left-handed. (3 hit shutout)

3:31 Tells minor leaguers he’s taking them to Pizza Hut… after he “does a few laps”

3:31 – 5:45 Runs laps


After that, the notes cut off, but there you have it. Way to go, ZWR spies.


  1. ZWR, you've been deceived. This was actually his routine on the last game of the season vs. WASH (and it was a 2-hit shutout). I hope you get a hold of his OFFseason workouts...they must be REALLY impressive

  2. I could totally keep up with him on the Rugrats Viewing, dude...

  3. Rugrats is the shizz.

  4. Tommy Pickles in the house.

  5. Extreme Yoga? You know what that means...

    "YOGA FIRE!"

  6. He must be saving "practice death stare" for his early evening work out.

  7. hahaha, the spies like us tag is brilliant. best movie ever.

  8. 60 days til this donkey is in section 104 for the Phils vs. other PA team at BHNF.

  9. That was seriously funny LOL!!!!


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