Friday, January 14, 2011

What Your New Zodiac Sign Says About Your Philadelphia Fandom

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
You hate every team that is not from Philadelphia, even though you know nothing about them, or the sports they participate in. Your uncle was in the mob.

Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11

You attended the 1999 NFL Draft and proudly booed Donovan McNabb (everyone else wanted Ricky Williams, but you heard Ray Didinger liked Cade McNown and agreed). Later that day you started a fist fight, because f**k that Jets fan what the f**k was he lookin’ at?

Pisces: March 11- April 18

You think Bobby Abreu's vag is allergic to walls (and that Kevin Kolb should start because he can “read defenses”).

Aries: April 18 - May 13
Your favorite players of all time are Gregg Garrity, Mike Gminski, Brian Finneran (if only he didn’t drop that one pass. Fat Reid!), Shawn Antoski and Mickey Morandini.

Taurus: May 13 - June 21
You probably just finished some cardio. In fact, you’re awesome and throw perfect games and I want to go to the zoo with you.

Gemini: June 21 - July 20
You’ve never heard of MLB.TV, think Ryan Howard is from the same high school as Darryl Strawberry, and call him Bill Durbin, but damned if you didn’t drop $325 a ticket for Game Four of the NLCS.

Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
You wear jerseys that are too old to be modern, but not old enough to be retro. And they’re usually the dumb ones. I’m talking the John LeClair weird silvery outline thing, the white Irving Fryar, and your Scott Rolen All-Star jammy jam. When it’s cold you sport a team colored turtleneck under a sweatshirt. No for real keep at it.

Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16

In sixth grade you joined “The Flyers Club” as an after-school activity just so you could try and hang out with the cool kids. But you were soon found out as you embarrassingly asked the teacher, “What’s a power play?” in front of the whole club.

Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
You never wanted Bobby Abreu to leave, and still think that his "can't win with him" reputation is attributable more to the surrounding cast than any given lack of intangibles. (Most compatible with: Pisces)

Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
You wear khakis and/or boots to a pick-up basketball game. Like, seriously, you knew we wanted to play a real game of five on five and you showed up in your Best Buy uniform. Why would you even bother? No, you can’t run and jump the same. Yes, I know it’s just for fun, but come on. God I hate your face.

Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Don’t name your kid Chase, I mean it. No. Repeat after me: “I will not name my son Chase.”

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
You live and die with every single move your teams make, but you're also a gullible soul who fell for that "Manny Ramirez to the Phillies" rumor at least six separate times between 2006 and 2008. At one point were convinced that Barry Sanders was coming out of retirement to finally give the Eagles the running game they so desperately needed.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20
One more than one occasion you’ve strongly considered getting a “Dallas Sucks” tattoo, and you probably have a tendency to embarrass your friends in public. But for the love of God, please take that Calvin-peeing-on-the-Dallas-star sticker off the back of your Dodge.


  1. Zoo--
    I'm not sure your Libra dates are right. Perhaps intentional, as always. Nice post.

  2. I'm starting to think ZWR and I might be related... my cousin is a (new) Scorpio and named his son Chase.

  3. Hey Hey Hey that flyers jersey is the best thing since this little gem...

  4. Long Time Cancer, First Time GeminiJanuary 15, 2011 at 4:39 PM

    I feel like you just profiled every person I know from the Northeast.

  5. "Pisces: March 11- April 18
    You think Bobby Abreu's vag is allergic to walls (and that Kevin Kolb should start because he can “read defenses”)."

    First day of spring baby here, and I believe the complete opposite of that.

    And I completely agree with Long Time Cancer

  6. Wait a minute. So everyone not born from May 13 - June 21 are smacks in your opinion? C'mon man, what is this? Every Zodiac should have it's bad and good attributes. SLACKER!!!!! No really, you're a slacker. ;>P

  7. Why does it feel like im getting old? Its not true that I wear jersey that is too old for modern.I can buy uniforms and wear them just to catch up with you guys. :)


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