Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Phillies Starting Rotation as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Photoshop courtesy of Dan Levy over at Press Coverage

Roy Halladay is Leonardo
The stoic, unspoken leaders of their respective crews. Roy has a million other interests and skills, just like the turtle named for the Italian polymath. In addition to at one time wearing blue, both are also the most technically skilled in their respective crafts. Both carry two blades as weapons (known as Cuttered and So Cuttered, respectively).

Cliff Lee is Donatello
Introverted and cerebral, both are the least interested of his brethren in the hugeness of the human experience (which may or may not explain Lee's spurning New York). Each is the least outwardly aggressive of their respective groups as well, but still manages to dominate through sheer brilliance and technical mastery. When you least expect it, each can surprise you with a confident, dramatic flair. Both names look great in all caps.

Roy Oswalt is Raphael
Roy O., like Raphael, is known as the bad boy not afraid to throw the first punch in combat. Each has the thickest accent of all their respective foursomes. Likewise, they also both feature the funkiest weapon of choice the most funky weapons—Raphael with his goofy three-pronged spikey things, and Roy 2 with his slow, looping curveball. Both look great in red. Killer aerial slide tactics:

Cole Hamels is Michaelangelo
"Cowabunga, dude!" Both have laidback, southern California, surfer dude personalities. Both likely to show up to a meeting wearing board shorts. And you know there’s a 90% chance Cole spent one entire offseason living on nothing but pizza. Seemingly innocent like Michaelangelo’s nunchuks, Cole’s changeup is an incredibly deadly weapon.

Charlie Manuel is Splinter
Sage-like leaders known for their pearls of one-line wisdom, both are long-in-the-tooth but feisty senseis that perfected their crafts in Japan.

Joe Blanton is Casey Jones
Big, dopey, and often forgotten friend of the main four characters. But on occasion he serves quite useful, so they let him tag along as he chooses while fighting crime/dominating the National League. Both feature a baseball bat as their main weapon of choice

Ruben Amaro is Krang
So assured in his genius that he borders on villainry, Amaro is just as Krang is portrayed: a nasty, brilliant brain. Whereas the latter built the Technodrome, Amaro is the designer and chief architect of something much more sinisterly devastating: the greatest pitching staff in the history of forever.


  1. Brillance again Penguin! I am so glad you create these definitive guides. I would be lost without them.

  2. dammit i forgot about casey jones!! well done.

  3. @drozz How could you forget about Casey Jones? He was the man.

    Ryan Howard is Rock Steady and Chooch is Bebop. Kyle Kendrick is definitely April.

  4. Shane Victorino as Baxter Stockman?

  5. Leslie Gudel should be April

  6. Would it be a terrible idea to get a portrait of the pic of Cholly tattooed on my leg? Or would it be the worst idea in the history of everything?

  7. Phils win!!! On our way to an undefeated season!!

  8. You just help justify me buying a oswalt jersey

  9. T-Mac is obviously April O'Neil


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