Friday, February 4, 2011

Surprise Entrant Stuns Wing Bowl Revelers With Record-Breaking, Raunchy & Ravenous Display


While America waits for the Super Bowl, 26 brave men and one marsupial, each one of them a champion in his own right, stood ready this morning for a real competition--the Wing Bowl 2011, probably one of the least healthy sporting events in the world.

After the barbecue-crusted feathers settled, one creature stood supreme--a 3' tall, auburn-furred panda known only by the moniker "Sir Perfect". The furry little guy devoured--no inhaled--a gut-busting 3,279 wings (as well as 11 bottles of high-end champagne) in the time allotted in order to take home the top prize. While we don't know the exact calorie count on the wings used, a healthy estimate says Sir Perfect put down almost 4,230,000 calories and 31,000 grams of fat. 

"He's focused and he attacks those wings, not unlike Roy Halladay on the pitching mound," an announcer on CBS Sports Radio 610 WIP said to describe this year's champion. 

"He's an amazing competitor."

One spectator, known only as Joe from Fishtown, chimed in, "Dude, it was so freakin' disgusting. Just bones and sauce and fur flying everywhere! I ain't never seen nothing like it, cuz. Also, I'm pretty sure he was drunk."

Sir Perfect the Red Panda, your reigning champion.

3 comments:

  1. I haven't attended a competition hosted by a radio show since U.S. Open Sores.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Now I would have been more impressed if SP had washed down those wings with a case of Yeungling instead of French fizzy water - that stuff is for spraying all over the clubhouse after a significant win.

    ReplyDelete

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