ZWR Featured in The Washingtonian!

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If you're looking for a $3M detached, historically-restored red brick colonial with parking in Georgetown, you read The Washingtonian. If you want some information on Arturo Sandoval at Strathmore, or who's coming to the Kennedy Center, you read The Washingtonian. If you want the inside dish on the Beltway's biggest heavies and the cryptic maneuvering of political power brokers, you read The Washingtonian. 

Oh, and if you want a profile on some moron who made a bolg about the going to the zoo with a guy that doesn't even pitch in the local market that features stick figure drawings, you definitely better read the motherducking Washingtonian (print version so far--it doesn't appear to be online yet. Huh.).

So welcome fancy Washingtonian-reading people! 

I apologize in advance for the disappointment, or your not getting it. But if you kinda maybe do, or just think that to be the case, and want to maybe back me a "darling" savant on the gallery scene or schedule a reading at Lisner or some artsy stuff you should totally go for it.

Flamingo Burn

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Introducing the J-Roll Swag-O-Meter

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Glorious, isn't it? Yeah. I know.

So here's the deal: this here bolg community will be checking in throughout the course of the season on J-Roll to see how the confident shortstop's swagger waxes and wanes throughout the 2011 campaign (ZWRhymes, yo). Objective measurement, corresponding wisdom, Young James.

At 82%, J-Roll is starting off fairly high, but you have to suspect that the nagging injuries to his double play partner and the giant peanut head off the starboard bow are depressing J-Roll's metrics at least a tad. We'll keep an eye on that, but make no mistake we're straight poppin' this weekend, for sure.

Vote for Zoo With Roy in @ThePhield

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Thanks to your support so far (and me voting on every computer in a four story office building), good ol' ZWR has managed to make it to finals (Phinals) in The Phield!

We (that's you and me--all of us; the familial "we") face a tough matchup this round though, against Phillies Nation-- a blog with probably 20X as many readers as ZWR and exponentially more twitter and facebook friends. Forget the fact that @DashTreyhorn from the Fightins works there now-- I mean, that guy works for literally everyone now--and really we all know he's just collecting a paycheck, his heart really isn't in it. Because that's what Phillies Nation is: a collection of RUTHLESS MERCENARIES, and their cross-haired keyboards are aimed directly at your freedom. We can't have that now, can we? No, of course not.

So I need your help.

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR ZOO WITH ROY >>










(actually Phillies Nation are kind, talented and decent folks, but you should vote for ZWR anyway. It's what Jorrick Calvin Would Do)

BREAKING: ESPN's Baseball Tonight Broadcast Gets Moyered, Yo

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ZWR has learned exclusively* that former Phillies quinquagenarian ace pitcher Jamie Moyer has decided to join ESPN's award-winning and insightful Baseball Tonight telecast as an analyst.

ZWR has also obtained (exclusively*) an advanced photo of Jamie's first broadcast tomorrow evening.















...wait for it...














BOOM. MOYERED, YO:

* ZWR: #1 Most Trusted® in Breaking Sports News


BONUS NOSTALGIA: 

Watch as NBC 10's Justin Pizzi Awkwardly Explains "Phour Loko" to Some News Anchors

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Imagine my surprise when I fired up the ol' Twitter this morning to a message from a follower asking if I had seen that a local news reporter was wearing one of my fine apparel products live on air during the Prime Time 6:00 a.m. news cast. I had not seen it, I said, but luckily the message included a link where I could view the appearance via the web.

And here for you now, thanks to the miracle known as internet, I share it all with you a mere three hours after its occurrence:

Follow Justin on Twitter at @10pizzi

Screen capture and video from NBC Philadelphia

Joe Blanton Ruins the Sports Illustrated Photoshoot

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Huge thanks to Mark, who posted this gem on my Facebook wall earlier today:

SO BUTTERED

See also: Joe Blanton Ruins A Media Appearance


In other news: hey, there's a baseball game at Citizen's Bank park tonight!

Astros Launch Delayed

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Upon reviewing the advanced forecasts for Friday and conducting a subsequent cost study for broken face and hand medical attention, the Houston Astros have decided to forfeit their upcoming season opener against the four time defending National League East Champion Philadelphia Phillies. The team will now kick off their 2011 campaign on Saturday. Though this means starting play with an 0-1 record, many were in support of the decision- and avoiding last year's Cy Young Award winner Roy Halladay in suboptimal conditions. 

"At least we're not facing their ace on Saturday," quipped Michael Bourn. When reminded that he'd then be squaring off against Cliff Lee, a surprised Bourn blurted, "What the [heck]? Are you [kidding] me, [sir]?"

Elsewhere in Philadelphia series notes, General Manager Ed Wade was denied his request for extra Sprite in the visiting team's stadium box.

Monday is the New Sunday; ZWR in the Wild + The Phield Jet Lag Edition

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Yo, I made it back from Vegas but it may be a day or two until I get my bearings straightened out and get the ol' bolg machine firing on all literary and artistic cylinders. So in the meantime, check out the pics down below--- some of the most awesome ZWR in the Wild submissions yet.

Also, thanks to everyone who voted for ZWR in The Phield. Apparently we've made the final four of said tournament! I'd encourage you all to go there now and vote for ZWR again! And to prove how serious and dedicated I am about winning this round, here's a recycled promotional video and propaganda poster from last year to pump you and get you in the mood to vote!!

No but seriously, it'd be an honor to get past this round and earn the right to get crushed by Phillies Nation in the finals [haha just kidding Good Phight, youse guys totall have a fair shot--no but seriously vote for The Good Phight, too -- they'll need your help against Phillies Nation (not that I have anything against them, per se, it's just that Phillies Nation has literally 2.6 billion Facebook fans and a million daily readers)]. A parenthetical within a parenthetical, yo. Monday!

Pre-adoption, yo! Vintage ZWR, peep the blogspot!

On to the pictures!

SO RUNNERED

OMG so adorable

"Ayyyyyy Mikey Miss, yo it's Joe from Havertown first time caller long time listerner.... ayyyy Mike, lemme ask you somthin: what do you think we're gonna do about Utley's knee, you think we should trade him for Pooholes or Todd Zeile or somethin? Maybe we get Burrell back for Blanton and convert him back to third base--he used to play there in college!-- and put Polanco at second? Hello? Mike...?"

Forever to be known as "DONG SHOULDER"

Out of Office Autoreply: ZWR is in Las Vegas right now

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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Thanks for your bolg patronage. I am out of the office in Las Vegas until Sunday, March 27. In fact, if my calculations are correct and I didn't screw anything up with this post, it's 10:15 Friday morning as you're reading this and I'm already in Vegas and I'm likely passed out asleep given the nature of my visit and the time differences between where I currently sit and the Nevada desert. Heck, I might not even be alive right now, so if that turns out to have been the case- it's been real, everyone.

If you need assistance in my absence, please contact @meechone on Twitter. Trust me he'll totally be able to help you out. Once I shake off the hangover (~Wednesday or so), next week should be a lot of fun as we lead into Opening Day. Lots of awesome stuff in store for the bolg. As always - thanks!

Regards,
ZWR


Vote for ZWR in the Phield
By the time you read this I have no idea if I'll still even be in this tournament or if voting will even be active, but just in case you should still click this link and check it out and try to vote for ZWR as early and as often as possible. And by that I mean vote once from home, once from work, once from your iPhone, etc...CLICK HERE TO VOTE, MAYBE

You've earned it!

^ note: $10 off on $50 or more with the code "SPRING2011".

Obvious pop culture reference!

ZWR Magazine Study Names "Worst Fans" Articles Laziest Journalism Crutch

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The maxim warns, "one bad apple spoils the bunch", but when it comes to sports journalism it's often easy to spot those ideas who have- and I'm already at risk of hyperbole- rotted to the core. A mealy extraction, whiffs of foul odor, a noticeable lack of substance (those aren't metaphors by the way), the tell-tale signs warning us to "pass" are all there, each hitting our senses as nature intended. Despite this, we are but human, and sometimes still take a bite. Tempted much the same as our earthly matriarch, only by a much more fickle serpent, a gag reflex combines with repulsion- as much physical as ideological affront, perhaps- in effort to dispel the piece. Alas, it's too late, and the taste has spoiled everything.


No apple "shines" in this regard more than the "worst fans" meme. In the Fourth Estate's New Frontier of short attention spans and pageview phallus measuring, it often is the case that the stronger and more outlandish one's opinion--controversial contrivances, even--the more willingly accepted the verisimilitude. The recipe of “combine one part passionate and reactionary sports fan base with one part evocative yet tired cliché” far too often combines for what equates to the lazy route to popular success (or "WIN", as the vernacular goes). At the very least they could have done us the honor of building the entire list into a convenient slideshow to heighten the suspense!

But we're led to a simple question: where does the blame fall? Is it with the reader, for falling prey to such simple bait? Or is it, ultimately, once the dinner party has sheepishly acknowledged that the goal of the profession is not to simply accumulate eyes so much as to capture a mind, ascribed to the pen? Certainly, unfailingly, because of the abhorrent abandoning of intellectual precepts, it is the latter.

In a status update society, where our youth speak in sentences of 140 characters and befuddling acronyms, does not some sort of responsibility fall upon the purveyor of actual written thought to provide sound example of intellectual argument? With "Worst Of..." and other mindless, subjective amalgamations, the literati defiantly says no (more to be found in the app or Twitter feed, I'm sure). And that is a shame.

So take solace, the worst fans in America. In this study, Pavlov merely lifted his head in a brief distraction from his penny smut magazine, to see that his dog addressed an itch, and scratched on the back cover his "definitive" findings. Fleas.

Update: It would seem as though the post-game analyst for the Eagles had a similar article today in the local rag (with pugilistic headline!). Bully for him!

HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

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Luis Antonio (Donato) Castillo
Missing since: March 22, 2011

Last seen: PORT ST LUCIE, FL

If you know of this former M_t's whereabouts, please contact the National Office of Missing Space Cadets tipline at 1-800-888-SMUG

click for full size

Luis Castillo Meets His New Teammates

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Not pictured: Tommy Herr, who made Herr's his

ZWR In The Wild

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I figure that since I wrote about kids yesterday, I'd feature another crazy one this morning. ZWR enthusiast Joseph sent in this shot of himself photobombing batting practice before the Phils/O's affair. Notice how once that jersey's buttoned up my man is concealing a fanny pack. Florida street cred, yo. Like Plaxico or something.

Oh, and my buddy J.T. Ramsay was spotted at a hipster farmer's market, modeling a piece from my CLAPT UP collection. Little does he know, MLBPA also owns the rights to low-sugar apricot spread.

Random March 17 #Daydrinkers:

 

ZWR at the Great Wall of China

Sideways, yo, cause that's how it arrived. Or is it a metaphor? Think on it.

In China red symbolizes fire, and is associated with joy, good fortune, and a love of Roy Halladay.

Kash Kelly and AC

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You wouldn't guess it since I'm so awesome and successful now, but I was pretty much worthless as a kid.

I mean, we're talking a straight awkard Sega Genesis playing dud happy enough to spend a day riding bikes back and forth down Delaware Ave, playing entire MLB playoff series against my buddy Stosh in stickball,  and- fittingly- not talking to girls. Also, if you ever got hit with a mustard packet while walking the exterior concourse of the Vet, that was us throwing them from the walkway between the 600 and 700 levels - sorry! And if you were a sports talk radio show host or producer that worked a godforsaken overnight shift in the early to mid-90's, I apologize for calling in 7 consecutive times that one night trying to recite the entirety of Dr. Dre's "The $20 Sack Pyramid" on air. You earned your wage that day.

So I appreciate it when I see youngsters with ambition, particularly in this generation of floppy haired goobers apathetically texting Hollister shirts to Kayden, Britney, and Madison (or whatever they do).

In that class are these kids, who produce, host, and distribute the Kash Kelly and AC Sports Report.

Dude they even credit the music they use! Be swell and give them some page views and love.

Advice for iPad Owners, and a Dumb Story (RIP Nate Dogg)

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"Oh my God ZWR I just got an iPad 3 it's the best ever what's the first thing I should do!????!" 

Settle down. I advise you download Flipbook, and then add the ZWR bolg feed (or RSS or whatever it's called... trust me it's hip). Put it right next to--preferably on top of--something like The Economist or PRI. Hopefully those donkeys can gain some legitimacy by way of spatial association. Or osmosis. More than that, though, it's a good mixer. 

"But ZWR who is on your Twitter?!" 

Everyone awesome. Like Spike Eskin and a bunch of other white people talking about the Fab Five and Nate Dogg (RIP). 

If your ass is a busta, 27 gonna regulate

 
A scene re-created in print, on account of an incident that happened in my car this morning as I listened to my computerphone through the sometimes-broken radio.

The storyteller (NARRATOR) has a voice layered with equal parts solemnity and, if possible, casual sincerity. It fits generally, quite well, the setting crafted by the small theatre and engaged audience (both live and those listening to the recording), not to mention the memoir itself.

Narrator (V.O.)
In 1993...    

ZWR
(Interrupts buffoonishly)
MACHO ROW! WOOT!

Narrator (V.O.)
... my father died.

ZWR
Ohai

Cole Hamels Steps to Bob E. Hall (Fist Pump Redux)

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You may have heard by now that yesterday's Grapefruit League exhibition between the Phillies and Former Scrub Phillies had a bit of excitement.

It all went down when the Former Scrub Phillies' Bill Hall--basically a total scrub utility player who thinks he's Milton Bradley back when Milton Bradley was good, but had to resort to playing for the Astros for a major league paycheck--called Cole Hamels a "mark ass Mark Wahlberg" (or something) after the Factual One sang him chin music for not liking the way the utility scrub called a late timeout. At any rate, the whole story is here, and about 100 other places.

But for those of you not into reading words, here's basically what happened:

Who's the Fifth Starter? Plus, ZWR in the Wild

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This guy, that's who:

Also, Bill sends the following from spring training where, and I quote: "It took people a while, but once they 'got it', I got a lot of laughs." I'm not sure if he was talking about his new M_ts shirt or trying to explain a ZWR post to people, but in either case I'm glad that was the outcome. Thanks, Bill.

 

AND OH, HEY:

Don't forget there's still Free Shipping all this week on $30 or more if you use the code 'R2C2' at checkout

ZWR In The Paradise

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So last night I received one of our first photo submissions from 2011 Spring Training 2011, and it's from our old friend Penguin Head Tucked-In Jersey Guy. Here he is with his buddy, the most earnest man in the building, Pecsy McChesterson.

Thoughts on Throwing Batteries

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Philadelphia baseball has been for the last few years in the midst of a Renaissance, a total cultural rebirth, the effects of which would be drastically undersold if termed commonly. Along with its new architecture, art, statues, rites/rituals, and societal transformation has also come the re-definition of imagery drawn from a considerable portion of the lexicon.

Take, for example, the word "battery". Whereas before that most often connoted energy cells used to power walkie talkies and be thrown at the big stupid face of JD Drew, it now refers to the immeasurably dynamic Chooch and Roy combination. You know, the one that produced a perfect game and playoff no-hitter last year. Cy Young award. 21 wins. The 2010 ZWR Man of the Year award.

It's 2011. Power up, yo.

Still Throwing

Only Three Weeks Till Opening Day!

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So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (3.10.11 vs. Yankees)

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Click for SRHPY particulars

It's Overly Strong Opinion Pageview Thursday!

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Chase Utley's knee brings up a good point. Why are the Phillies waiting until now to address this? What was Utley doing all off-season that it's not until he gets to Clearwater that folks realize a problem exists? It certainly wasn't working on this throwing. If they just treated him in the winter he'd be ready by now- even if he got it scoped. For all of the praise Ruben Amaro gets for aquiring Cliff Lee, the MSM sure seems to be giving him- and the team's medical staff- a free pass on the handling of Utley. There's no way to deny this. 

The Sixers- of course- lost last night to the Oklahoma Thunder last night. While I know Kevin Durant and company have an emerging young team, you can't be comfortable with the fact that the Sixers never beat any contenders. For all of this hype about Doug Collins as coach of the year, maybe we could beat a contender once in a while to validate it? You really can't argue that fact. Let's see what the apologists say after they lose to Boston next.  

Bend over, Sixers, here it comes. H/T to Matt P. on the pic

And speaking of Boston, I've heard a lot of folks saying that Red Sox fans are better than Phillies fans. Yeah, maybe if you're trying to see who's most racist and drunk and likely to vote for scumbags. Go ahead, prove me wrong. Yeah, that's right. How you like them apples?!



While we're on the topic of teams and fans everyone hates, check out this #WINNING t-shirt: click here. LOL, hilarious, right? The M_ts suck. Muck the Fets!

What's that? The Flyers goaltending is awful? Wait, are you sure?! I could have sworn it was three flukey months in 1987. Ha. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me every year of my life shame on the stepfords. And just stop with this talk of how things have changed. This is a league where the level of your worth is measured in CUPS. Tell me something matters more. That's what I thought. 

I'm really tired of the Middle East screwing up my gas prices. If the stupid liberals don't let us start drilling for gas domestically then we won't even have to worry about Glolobal Warming or their death panels, because we'll all die at the pump. It's black and white. 

Yesterday marked the anniversary of the death of Christopher "Notorious B.I.G." Wallace. Two words: Over Rated! The entire thug culture (remember Allen Iverson with the helicopters flying overhead of his Main Line mansion and all of those trifling images?) has impacted sports negatively. I don't thank hip hop for what it's done to sports, either. Kudos to the NCAA for trying to fight the good fight and get these kids to stay in school.

Vote in my poll of who Brad should pick in The Bachelor finale!!!!

Who will Brad pick on The Bachelor Season Finale?
	The pudgy rich chick who boned him in Africa?
	The mom that he looks like a giant jerkwad if he doesn't choose

Oh, great- I see that the Parent Police© have won again, with Cap'n Crunch sailing off into the sunset. I don't know about you, but I think we're totally better off having decisions on how to raise our children being made for us by the "politically correct" crowd AND NOT THE PARENTS THEMSELVES. I have a better idea- let's just make sugar illegal! This way Jane and Timmy can't ever possibly have any of its evils forced upon them. Start investing in Tofu birthday cakes. What a joke. SICKENING.

BURN of the week: 

Stat nerds on Fat Tuesday! LOL! They're called "boobs", you losers. Turn the sine graph 90 degrees and that's what you're looking for.

READERS, LET ME HEAR YOU!! SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS!!

"Role Call" - A ZWR Animated Short

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Chase Utley's Knee: 11 Pictures of Chase Utley's Knee (SLIDESHOW)

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Pictures from internett

Who's the Fifth Starter?

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Thanks to Jessica B. for the adorable pic via Twitter

Also, the world eagerly awaits a mission status update on the following:

So Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee Pitched This Weekend

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Great Weekends In Life

April 6-7, 1991: Playing in the North Catholic Invitational CYO basketball tournament, ZWR solidifies his seventh man of the year status by setting two crucial screens and tipping a pass in a consolation bracket semifinal win over St. Philip Neri. In the 5th Place game, Zoo shines under the bright lights once more, tying a season high with four points. Afterwards, he tops his buddy Norbeck in a nugget eating contest at the celebratory team dinner, capping off a victorious weekend.

January 6-7, 1996: Nearly 30 inches of snow fall over a 24 hour stretch within a greater storm of the century (a "century" being actually more like three years if I recall correctly- just saying, not complaining), and a Christmas face breaking ZWR and his buddies take the circumstances as opportunity to play an entire, drunken 82 game season of NHL 95 with ourselves created as members of the San Jose Sharks. Three players break the 60 goal/400 penalty minute plateau, an epic conference final against the Detroit Red Wings sees Stevie Y fall victin to the "teal trap", and 13 bags of cool ranch doritos are housed as the lone source of food-based caloric intake. 

August 16-17, 2003: In the series-clinching game five of a beach wiffle ball tournament, your beloved penguin strikes out 23 in character as Grey Goose Gossage (owing to his trademark Big Gulp of Slurpee and vodka), knocks in five, and draws a Wertzian nine walks. Later in the day, ZWR would manage to destroy more than half a Mack/Manco pizza while not complaining one bit about the 9th degree sunburn on his neck and shoulders.

Saturday, March 5, 2011: Roy Halladay throws three scoreless innings and breaks 9 Pirate faces (not including his 4 strikeouts) in a Grapefruit League matchup against the Pirates of Pittsburgh. Roy would uncharacteristically walk two batters during the outing, but again--it was the Pirates--and, he would later indicate the free passes were quasi-intentional so that he could work on his (seldom needed during the regular season) pickoff move to first base.

Getty images

Sunday, March 6, 2011: CLIFF LEE tosses four shutout innings while allowing zero walks and two hits and striking out five in an on-its-surface meaningless spring training game that would later be noted in a post by a semi-popular Phillies bolg as the beginning of a stretch of total team pitching dominance not yet witnessed in the history of mankind.

BONUS: Watch Roy Halladay throw a bullpen side session literally with a piano and Rick Sutcliffe tied to his back [ESPN]