Thursday, April 21, 2011

Cliff and Kristen Lee Visit the Tax Man

April 16, 2011

[Cliff Lee and his wife Kristen are driving in their late model, high-end SUV. They pull into a sketchy strip mall parking lot.]

KRISTEN: Oh, that's so neat, look! They have mascots and everything. I'm so glad we chose this place! They seem very professional, too. And hello?! Liberty...Philadelphia...I mean come on. It's so perfect.

CLIFF LEE: Yeah I guess.


KRISTEN: Christmas lights! So festive and inviting. Cliffy, I'm so glad we decided on Philadelphia.

CLIFF LEE: Yeah I guess.

[Interior, Liberty Tax Service]

BRUCE, LIBERTY TAX GUY: Cliff, Kristen, good to see you!

KRISTEN: Thanks, it's great to be here! Sorry for the late notice. I appreciate you opening so early this close to tax deadline! We had to do this early because Cliff has a game later today. He's a baseball player, you know-- for the Phillies! We had to come here so we did--

BRUCE, LIBERTY TAX GUY (interrupting): Ahh, indeed! Tax time again, eh? (laughs)... Already?! It goes so fast (laughs)! Death and taxes--isn't that what they say (laughs)?! 

Now you didn't go and change anything up on me based on what we talked about on the phone, did you (laughs)? If not I think we ought to be able to fastball this return (laughs). You know, a deduction here, a deduction there, then we slide it right on in safe at home! (laughs).

[A Yankees fan at the next cubicle curses and spits on Kristen Lee] 


[Yankees fan gets escorted out into the strip mall parking lot by three junior Liberty Tax Service employees, where he immediately starts panhandling and cursing at pigeons]

BRUCE, LIBERTY TAX GUY: Wow, I am really sorry about that. We get all types in here, if you know what I mean (laughs). Here, Kristen, let me clean that for you...

[Rubs 50% silk Today's Man tie all over Kristen Lee's face, removing 80% of the spittle]

BRUCE, LIBERTY TAX GUY: Now Cliff, Kristen, let's get started, shall we (laughs)? I'll take your paperwork...

BRUCE, LIBERTY TAX GUY: Only one W-2?! Well, this ought to be a can of corn (laughs). We'll have you out of here before the seventh inning stretch (laugh)!

[BRUCE enters about 21,000 keystrokes on his circa 1994 PC compatible computer]

KRISTEN: Bruce, one thing I forgot to mention on the phone... what about deductions? Some of the other wives have told me that... if you have something called deductions you can lower the amount of taxes that you pay, or something like that? 

BRUCE: Ahhh, the old back door curveball to Uncle Sam, eh?! (winks, laughs) Well, I'm sure we can find some stuff. Now did you donate anything to charity? 

CLIFF LEE: Yeah I guess.

KRISTEN: Yes, we donated sixty dollars to a local children's hunting and fishing charity.

BRUCE: Great! I'll go ahead and put you down for a six million dollar writeoff... 

[types some keys, smacks the enter button really hard] 

BRUCE: There! Now that ought to do it. But before we hit the home stretch, is there anything else we should be considering? Anything we're leaving out on the table?

CLIFF LEE: [stares at Bruce, shakes head]

KRISTEN: [looks at Cliff] OH MY GOODNESS, HONEY, what about all that money we left to the Yankees? 

BRUCE: I'm listening... what do you mean?

KRISTEN: Well, we took a lot less money to come pitch for the Phillies back in December, and we left a lot of money on the table in New York in doing so.

BRUCE: Really! That's fantastic!

CLIFF LEE: Yeah I guess.

BRUCE: What type of table was it?

KRISTEN: I don't remember, we donated it to The Purple Salvation or something. It was brown I think.

BRUCE: Kristen, CLIFF! Do you know what this means?!!

[opens file drawer, pulls out huge tax code book, flips through hundreds of pages quickly, pretends to read them]

BRUCE: Yes, yes, in fact, this is wonderful news! 

It says here [throws book back in drawer and slams it shut quickly] that because you screwed over the Yankees and came to Philadelphia and donated that table to charity, you two are officially eligible to file for status as a 501(c)3 non-profit organization! 

KRISTEN: What does that mean?

BRUCE: This is a homerun!!! It means you don't have to pay any taxes now, or until the end of time! 

In fact, you're getting a Twelvity five reimbursement!!

KRISTEN: Oh my goodness, Bruce, that's great!!! Isn't that wonderful, Cliffy?

CLIFF LEE: Yeah I guess.


  1. I wrote off conditioner as an occupational expense!

  2. Another literary masterpiece from ZWR

  3. Not very funny ...

  4. Huh? I just don't get this site.

  5. I don't know about those anonymous donkeys, but I was riveted!

  6. don't get me wrong i like this site a lot, but even as a fan of the site i feel like i have to tune out some of the posts, like this one, so that i don't give up reading and miss one of the many gems...

  7. this should be a classic ZWR, fuck most of the donkeys

  8. Some satires rock. This one just sinks "yeah i guess" into blah, blah.

  9. I enjoyed this post


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