Danger Guerrero Presents: Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives Visits the Phillies

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GUY FIERI: [voiceover] Here in Philadelphia, there’s a hip joint takin’ the locals by storm. If you want to see great pitching, OFF THE HOOK offense, and a loyal fanbase, you need to come check out…

[classic car screeches to a halt in front of Citizens Bank Park]


… the Philadelphia Phillies! The Phillies have been a Philadelphia institution going back 100 years, but had run into some tough times recently. Then, a little over six years ago, ownership brought in new manager Charlie Manuel, and he’s been crankin’ out big-time victories ever since.

[shots of fans cheering, batters hitting line drives, and runners sliding into home]

GUY FIERI: [looking around perfectly normal baseball facilities] Wow, brother. This place is CRAZY! I mean, it’s REALLY OFF THE CHAIN! How did you end up here?! Gimme the 411!

ZWR in the Wild at Citi Field

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Happy Memorial Day, everyone. Grill some meat, drink some beers, be an American.

Jaclyn in front of Donkey Field

OH HAI. Thanks to @susikenna for the pic

Y_s, pl_ _s_. Thanks to @sdevito4 for the pic

Spotted at Cornell University, Collegetown Pizza

A Recap of Two Days Ago's Philadelphia Unions Game v. Raptors

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Not pictured: Saturday's Union game

By Liam Davies (aka Simon Britishpants aka Sir Chester Chadsworth), ZWR's UK-based soccer correspondent

Right. I know the previous match report was 7 days late. What do you want from me? I submitted it to the editor for proofing at half 2 on Sunday but he dinnae publish it. It’s typical and what I’ve come to expect as a football fan in America. I got bumped for Chase, I get that. I got bumped for SRHPY and a 19 inning game. Fine, I mean Roy forbid we actually run several posts on this blog in one day, I guess the royalties he pays MSPaint prevent that. But to be bumped for a bachelorette review? The world’s game gets bumped for a bachelorette review? Oh, and ZWR states “Hey girl, you know you’re my only, you’ll own the weekend on this site with last week’s game (it’s a match, you donkey) and today’ game.” Oh wow, I get to dominate a pop culture bolg on Memorial Day Weekend when the site MIGHT, MIGHT get 20 hits. Whatever I’ll not be arsed about a site that can’t bother to even send me a tee.

Horrid… shambolic… nothing quite captures the state of TFC’s defense that exposed Frei, the TFC keeper, to an assault that will surely have him seeing blue and gold in his nightmares. Six goals for, two against. And it easily could have been much worse. The shellacking administered by our side was reminiscent of a Champions League team beating a youth reserve side… from a third division club. You’ve seen poorly constructed pick-up teams at the Saturday morning game in Fairmount Park maintain their shape better than TFC’s back four. Not three minutes in and Farfan the Younger chested a cross from Harvey before firing past the TFC keeper. Mapp and Nakazawa also tallied in the first half, the latter after a brilliant display of one touch football featuring a backheel from Mwanga and the side went to the dressing room ahead three nil.

If I’m being honest with you, at that point I went out to the garden with the lad. My wife did not want me memorializing my American cousins by being attached to the telly for the afternoon and with the Champions League final coming up, I reckoned the best course of action was to get the kids properly knackered so that I could enjoy Barca-ManU in silence. When I came back it was 5-2 – feel free to consult MLSSOCCER.COM or my TIVO for the 4 goals scored in some pulsating, back-and-forth (if altogether poorly played) football. Two minutes before stoppage time, Mwanga pushed the 6^th past the beleaguered Swiss keeper. The referee exercised his discretion and did not allow stoppage time as he too wanted to see the Final. With NYRB dropping two points away to Vancouver, the Union stands top of the Eastern Conference table with a game in hand.

ZWR in Wild, Memorial Day Weekend NYC Takeover + Ch-oooooooooooo-Ch Edition

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In this edition of ZWR in the Wild, some donkeys get lots of airtime at Citi Field, Aileen and her friends rock CHOOOOOOOCH shirts, some kids get drunk before the epic 19 inning game, an adorable little girl sits in a purple chair, and: stromboli.

These dudes got a lot of airtime during Friday night's game. Well done, donkeys.

BONUS! Here's a crappy video of the broadcast!

This was actually taken AFTER the 19 inning game at like 7 in the morning. Little did they know hours earlier that Wilson Valdez would also be breaking faces. For the record, that's @phillymike, @meghanxrino, and @dixonij

Adorablest.

NOM

BOOM. T-SHIRTS YOU CAN WEAR WITH FRIENDS AND GET ON TV. Aileen and her friends weren't on TV this time, but don't worry...they have something much bigger in store in the future (Hint: she bought a lot more than 3 of those shirts)

@mleif sent me this when I asked for a screenshot or video or sketch of the donkeys featured in the first pic. Who see the donkey say yeah!

A Recap of *LAST* Saturday's Union Game

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Yay soccer!

Now I'll be frank-- I don't know anything about soccer. Not that I have anything against it, per se, it's just that you know I've got other priorities going most of the time. I barely have enough time to keep up with what the Sixers are doing, and now you're asking me keep box score tabs on a bunch of foreigners chasing each other? I mean really. But if you're reading this, it means you're probably a soccer fan in the US and therefore you're used to being marginalized, so hopefully you understand.

However, today you're in luck. Because while I don't know a corner kick from a kit, I do love pretentious British people.

Enter Liam Davies (aka Simon Britishpants), ZooWithRoy.com's new UK-based Philadelphia Union correspondent. The following is best read with a condescending English accent in mind:

By Liam Davies (aka Simon Britishpants)

Massive, absolutely massive. Union win 2-1 in Chester over the Fire and we have so much to discuss. The lads sit first in the table in the Eastern Conference and just 6 points behind LA Galaxy and no one could have predicted that after a poor first campaign marked by shoddy defense. Speaking of unmade predictions, I know none of the Sons of Ben could have expected the rollicking second half to which we were witness after a somnambulant first half. The first half was positively brutal featuring a “compelling” game between keepers of Route One football save a cheeky throw-in by Mapp to slip Farfan I past the Fire defense but the twin shot wide of the goalmouth. The first half was also notable for us losing Okugo who picked up a knock in the fourth minute.

Right, so with the first half a distant, vaguely unpleasant memory reminiscent of Princess Beatrix’ headgear, we moved on to the second half. The first quarter hour of the second stanza didn’t rate any better and equaled an hour I shan’t get back. But it all changed, as it always does, when Nowak inserted Roger in. The diminutive Columbian did his thing and it wasn’t long before Mike had the first (of the match and his career) in the 63rd. Proper and we’re headed to a quick 30 minutes before heading back to the Dark Horse. Not quite as the next 10 minutes saw the Union make a hash of proper defense when Oduro brought it all square in the 67th and then nearly saw the Fire take the lead if not for the Williams clearance off the line in the 70th.

And then, barely more than 15 minutes from time, it happened. I simply do not rate Ruiz; in fact, one of my mates’ favorite recent things to do as we sit around with a pint is to guess the origin of the El Pescadito (Little Fish) nickname. The loosely formed committee reckoned his frequent dives all over the pitch call to mind a fish flopping on deck, gasping for air. But when his harmless free kick was parried out of the box, Ruiz unleashed a sublime volley with his left foot that beat FC Delco product Conway. The goal gave a glimpse of the talent on display when he was a member of the Galaxy version of Los Galacticos and one could forgive the rather disjointed goal celebration that mostly was notable for sullying the backside of several players’ kits. The River End was awash in Doop and the Union stood strong for the balance of the game. Forget MLS Cup, I want the Supporters’ Shield.

CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH:

Charlie Needs A Pitcher; A Crane Kicker Secondclusive

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Hey there kids. I know everyone's all excited since we're on the heels of a holiday weekend and the Phillies are breaking faces again, so I decided to pile onto the fun by asking Crane Kicker to write us another... thing. His first effort was cherished, and I'm still tired from yesterday.

You may be thinking, "hey, ZWR, why are you posting this now?" Good question, but easily answered: there were three posts (with roughly ninety edits) yesterday, and that game was so monumental that it deserves some extended celebration. Oh that and we didn't finish in time yesterday and then the Chinese food came and dude for real I love sesame chicken.

Charlie Needs A Pitcher

What inning is it?









It's the 19th, Charlie.

The what inning!? What the heck are we still doin here I thought like the commissioner says it's a tie after a certain time?

I'm So Tired

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I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the twink
I should not have watched the whole game and all the while drink
No, no, no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired I think I’ll go read Zoo
I wonder would they still be there if not for clutch Rauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul?

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, that’s Mitch and Wilson
Baez five innings? I can't stop my brain
Roy gave up eleven hits? I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind.

I'm so tired, need to get some shut-eye in
Although I'm so tired I'll go check out the Fightins
And curse Sir Tom McCarthy
He has such a stupid grin!

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, Valdez has a great arm
You know I can't sleep, Popo extended the game
You guys see Rolen? That donkey’s so lame
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind
Wait why’s Mitch the goat a different color every time?
I’m fargling tired everything I've got for a little peace of mind
(mumble grumble coffee double pie)

So Wilson Valdez Pitched This Morning (5.26.11 v. Reds, aka, "YOU SHOULD HAVE HUNG OUT, MANNN")

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Comedian Dave Attell has a bit in his standup routine (link) about how, no matter how late you stay, the fun always starts 10 minutes after you leave a party. And you inevitably get a call from your buddy the next day and he's all--"YOU SHOULD HAVE HUNG OUTTTTT, MANNNNNN"-- and then he tells you some outlandish and awesome story that makes you feel like a donkey for not staying even later.

So yeah, that was about 90% of us last night who couldn't, wouldn't, or for whatever reason (apathy, babies, jobs, mortgage payments, blacked out drunk, etc..) didn't watch (or attend--no seriously, 10 years from now more than 100,000 will people will claim to have attended this game and stayed all 19 innings) the entire game, and regretfully went to sleep before the 19th inning.

Click for full-sized awesomeness sent to me by a Wharton kid

The game saw Danys Baez and his big dumb face pitch five (5!!) scoreless innings of extra frame relief, Carlos Ruiz playing third base (yes, please) and then-- it happened.

Thanks to @adefran for the photo illustration of Ed Wolfstein's pic

Wilson Valdez--the goated one-- pitched last night this morning.

And glorious and outlandish and awesome it was. He hit 90 on the radar gun, got Joey Votto to fly out to deep center, shook off signs from Dave Sardineface (I mean seriously), PEGGED SCOTT ROLEN (OMG insta-hero, swoon!), and then got Jay Bruce and his opposing pitcher to pop up.

Pic from the ZoZone (Mitch II not included)

SO BARBASOL'D. Pic from @bigleaguestew

All in all, it was a pretty historical night for the Fightins.  

You should have hung outtttt, mannnnn.

Philly.com

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (5.25.11 v the Reds)

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Editor's Note: Dude, I know. Yes- all of it. Yes- Wilson Valdez. I know!!! That'll come in other posts today. This is just SRHPY. No, I know. I won't forget that. Calm down, it's gonna be a clusterduck QUACK be we got this.

The nerds at Baseball Prospectus explain BABIP as  "a pitcher's average on batted balls ending a plate appearance, excluding home runs." Inferior to GROwL, it is nonetheless an interesting measure. Apropos of that dorktastic intro, Roy Halladay got BABIP the BABIP up last night by the Reds. Everything donkey cue shot, dribbler, and blooper seemed to find green, to the tune of 11 hits over 7 innings.

"OHMYGOD ZWR he got rocked, huh?!?!?!" Well, not really. As a testament to just how amazing Doc is, he was able to manage his way through the muck (I'm so unbiased, right?) and get our heros to the bottom of the seventh tied at three.

Steven Falk, Philly.com (awesome photo btw)

After and beyond all of that... basically the wait whatiest game since Ryan Howard got ejected by a AA fill-in and Roy Oswalt played left field last year. To which I now must turn my attention. See you soon.

Paul Janish Reflects on Having to Face Roy Halladay

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Musing the prospects of having to face Roy Halladay is an exercise in welcoming upon oneself--to various extents (all significant)--a harrowing gravity. This wasn’t lost on the Reds' Paul Janish, and is reflected in the response offered when prompted to do just that.

Said the already light-hitting shortstop in the shadows of his locker:

O! who can hold a fire in his hand
By thinking on the frosty Caucasus?
Or cloy the hungry edge of appetite
By bare imagination of a feast?
Or wallow naked in December snow
By thinking on fantastic summer's heat?
O, no! the apprehension of the good
Gives but the greater feeling to the worse.

Upon which a tender scene played itself out. Outfielder Fred Lewis overheard Janish's lament, and offered to his teammate thus:

Each substance of a grief hath twenty shadows,
Which shows like grief itself, but is not so;
For sorrow's eye, glazed with blinding tears,
Divides one thing entire to many objects;
Like perspectives, which rightly gazed upon
Show nothing but confusion, eyed awry
Distinguish form... Despair not, dogg.

However kind, this was not enough to console Janish, who somberly--a broken man--replied.

Who shall hinder me?
I will despair, and be at enmity
With cozening hope: he is a flatterer,
A parasite, a keeper back of death,
Who gently would dissolve the bands of life,
Which false hope lingers in extremity

Zoo With Roy's Comprehensive 5.23.11 Game Recap

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How fargling awesome was that?

Zoo With Roy’s Recap of the 5/23 Episode of The Bachelorette

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yeah i know it's not her but they're all the same whatever who cares

SPOILER ALERT: Everyone is a toolbox.

Yeah so the stupid show starts with our meeting the Bachelorette- Ashley- by way of a romantic comedy’s “single girl living life to the fullest whilst wistfully pining for love” montage set in Philadelphia.  You know, the usual stuff: staring out onto Boathouse Row, dance class, rotations, an Art Museum steps jaunt, ordering a “combo on the outs overboard with a side of gravy fries” from Nick’s Roast Beef. THE UJE. Soon after this trite bit of slow death, the Nag comments that Ashley is less annoying than the last Bachelorette, which means she’s not nearly as hot. Apparently, she’s also less annoying than “the pudgy rich drunk chick Brad should have picked so he could hang out with her dad.” So you have that going for you, Ash. More after the jump.

I Know, Right?

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WAIT WHAT KASHMIR CHASE UTLEY IS BACK YEAH BABY KASHMIR

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FYI

UPDATED WITH THIS GEM FROM TMACAS:

Yes, Please

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UPDATED TO INCLUDE DARLING JACKI'S MS PAINT SUBMISSION SO AWESOME CHASE UTLEY COMES BACK TONIGHT!!!

 



Shane Victorino Provides Surprisingly Good Advice

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(Concur) 

Shane: OHMYGOD CLIFF HEY WHAT'S UP I GOT A GREAT IDEA LISTEN IF YOU GET ON BASE TONIGHT YOU TOTALLY SHOULD TRY TO STEAL A BASE BRO NO ONE WOULD EXPECT IT BECAUSE YOU'RE A PITCHER AND ALL AND IT WOULD BE AWESOME WE HAD SOME PITCHER DO THAT IN THE PLAYOFFS AGAINST THE BRUINS AND IT TOTALLY WORKED I FORGET WHO MY HAMSTRING IS INJURED I LIKE HAM I EAT IT SOMETIMES FOR BREAKFAST WITH JON GOSSELIN DUDE I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT GUY. 

Cliff Lee: Yeah I guess.

So Roy Halladay Pitched Last Night (Rapture Eve vs. Rangers)

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My neighbor, Ben, is hip. He's my age, went to Penn State, and likes to drink beer with me. This morning he came over and said, "if this rapture thing happens it'll be pretty awesome- we can go to Six Flags and not have to wait in those lines." I agreed, sincerely. Then the Nag, the Waaah, and I went out for breakfast burritos. NOM.

What a great morning. And it followed a great night, because Roy broke faces and we wonned (despite some early consternation caused by an ump in "look at me" mode, and our offense continuing to do its impression of purgatory).

The line: 8 IP, 6 H, 1 BB, 7 K (4 cuttered, 3 so cuttered), 2 ER.  Oh, and Chooch ended the game by ganking some fool trying to steal. And Ryan Madson's still crazy awesome. So if the world's going to end today or whatever, we went out pretty well. And can go to Six Flags tomorrow knowing that we'll get to go on all of the roller coasters by lunch.

Shane Victorino Goes On the Disabled List

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Interior, Citizen's Bank Park home clubhouse

SHANE: Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

CHARLIE scratches head, ignores (or doesn't hear) Victorino

SHANE: Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.
Charlie.
Charlie.

CHARLIE: WHAT? What is it son can't you see like I'm over here tryin to like you know like fill out today's lineup card. This ain't easy you know. (Pause) Who the frick is Miguel Martinez?

SHANE: Charlie! Can I play today?

Read the rest, AFTER THE JUMP

Mad Dog!

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I think Ryan Madson released all of our collective frustrations over the most recent skid upon striking out the ghost of Jason Giambi last night. Aaaaah. Feel better?

Queequeg Finds Out The Phillies Lost In The Middle Of The Night

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Queequeg, on the heels of a long day on deck, had to take the boy-- QJ-- to soccer practice. Dinner followed, and after tending to random household chores (trash, emptying the dishwasher, etc.), frankly, he was drained. Prepping trips always seems more difficult than taking them at this age. Heavy-limbed, he fell into the basement sectional, put on the Phillies game, and quickly slipped to sleep. The offense didn’t help. Singsong lullabies of swings’ might nullified.

It's 2AM, and the cheesy Extra Innings guitar jingle awakes him. He steps out onto the front step and takes a few drags from his tomahawk. Addressing Mrs. Queg, who long ago went to bed, in his new-found domestic charm, “yeah, yeah… I know, I have to give these up.” Queequeg thinks to himself of how he saw a girl on his way to the docks taking a “walk of shame”. “Funny, we both feel the need to put our shoes on in private”, he thought to himself. But that’s not at all related.

On the dining room table sat his cell phone, blinking red. Text message- Tashtego. Before reading it, he recalls a conversation they had earlier by the gunwale, his fellow swearing with such certainty that he would wager a doubloon on the matter that he was more accurate from 60 paces with his harpoon than Danys Baez could prove with a baseball. “The implements of our trade...”, Tashtego had stammered, unable to finish.

“F#&$ING BAEZ! I HATE HIS BIG DUMB FACE”

Queequeg chuckled at his friend’s anger… and the ZWR reference. Humming We Didn’t Start the Fire, he checks Facebook. At this point he’s regaling in the hyperbolic discontent of his mates. Daggoo: “This offense is utterly horrific. Downright embarrassing.” Fedallah and Flask like this (the latter concurring with a bit of profanity). Starbuck doesn’t have an account, says he’ll never get one. Despite appearances, Queequeg is also upset. But what’s to do at that point of the night but go to bed? His dislike of Baez is particular. He would not eat him, even.

But he won’t proclaim anything. It’s not the time, and in this world it’s wise to know that even a coffin can serve as life raft in situations unimagined.

Danger Guerrero Presents Selected Phillies Players As Kelly Kapowski GIFs

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Hi Zoo With Roy readers (and ZWR), I'm Danger Guerrero. You may know me from the Internet, where I write words places and sometimes help out Ricky Penguin over here. Well, now I got a ZWR login. Consequences will never be the same.

For my first post as an official ZWR contributor, I figure I should stick to stuff in my wheelhouse. If there are two things I love, they're Kelly Kapowski and animated GIFs. If there are three things I love, they're Kelly Kapowski, animated GIFs, and a sausage, egg, and cheese on a croissant from Dunkin Donuts. And if there are four things I love, they're those first three things and the Phillies. So, without further ado, I'ma eat this breakfast sandwich present a list of Phillies players as represented by GIFs of Kelly Kapowski.

Roy Halladay



The best Kelly Kapowski GIF goes to the best Phillie. The OMG SO CUTTERED of Kapowski GIFs, if you will.

Chase Utley



Hey, big boy. We didn't forget about you. Hurry back. XOXO.

Cole Hamels



Glamour shot for the glamour boy. I'm like 80% Cole has a wind machine in his house, just so he can do stuff like this in front of the mirror.

Cliff Lee



Pictured: A visual representation of how Ruben wooed Cliff back to Philly.

Raul Ibanez



DOUBLE GAG!

Placido Polanco



AWWW YEHA BABBY. Looking good out there.

Kyle Kendrick



What. Ever.

Dom Brown



Why, hello there you mysterious, intriguing prospect, you. We've got our eye on you, and we've got big plans.

Shane Victorino



This GIF gets assigned to Shane because he's always in charge of the shaving cream face attacks after the game and it seems like something he would do, then run off giggling.

Carlos Ruiz



Technically not Kelly Kapowski, but few things make me happier than imagining Chooch dancing like this around his house.

The Offense In General



Get it together, fellas. You're confusing an angel.

Best post ever? Best post ever.

ZWR NOTE: OMMFGDGFTW (faint)