Friday, May 6, 2011

Atlanta Braves Scouting Report; A Danger Guerrero/ZWR Collaboration



You guys know Danger Guerrero by now (if not, then read about him here). I perhaps should say you know of his general body of work- that he's adorably hilarious and all. But you likely weren't aware that he's ZWR's director of pro scouting.

As part of his prep for this weekend's series against the Braves, DG filed the following report (with some help from the Kepper).

WARNING:
This is probably the most mature thing ever posted to the bolg. DG's full report, AFTER THE JUMP.




Brian McCann: Fart-sniffer


David Ross: Has really sensitive car alarm and lets it go off for like 5 minutes before going out to shut it off.

Brooks Conrad: Calls his girlfriend “dude”.

Freddie Freeman: Still quotes “Wedding Crashers” on a consistent basis.

Alex Gonzalez: Slept with your sister, gave her the clap, and never called her back.

Brandon Hicks: Has spiky bleached hair, wears sunglasses on the back of his head, and calls dinner “a crunchtastic ride to Flavortown”.

Eric Hinske: Has seen Limp Bizkit in concert six times, wore a Limp Bizkit t-shirt each time.

Dan Uggla: Repeatedly asks his one black friend if he is allowed to use the n-word when he’s singing along to rap songs.

Chipper Jones: Puts ketchup on his hot dog, like some kind of animal.

Joe Mather: Thinks Heineken is a craft beer.

Martin Prado: Teammates once caught him throwing ice cubes in the trash. When questioned, he maintained his innocence because “they wouldn’t fit down the drain!”

Nate McLouth: Buys his socks at Caldor.

Jason Heyward: Is “pretty sure” he could have been a Navy SEAL because he can hold his breath underwater for 35 seconds or some sh*t (topical!).

Brandon Beachy: Posts statuses on Facebook that end with, “REPOST IF YOU AGREE”.

Cory Gearrin:  Has Chinese symbol tattoo that he thinks means “strength and honor” but it actually means “lady problems”.

Tommy Hanson: Tells folks how I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing “completed” Armageddon.

Tim Hudson: Tries to convince his friends that Gobots were just as good as Transformers, but won’t discuss Heathcliffe in the same breath as Garfield.

Jair Jurrjens: Speeds down shoulder in traffic jam, cuts you off to get back in lane at exit.

Craig Kimbrel: Once got in a fistfight over “sweet potatoes or yams”.

Scott Linebrink: Drives a giant SUV and still bitches about gas prices.

Eric O'Flaherty: Friday night = jeans and untucked button-down, FTMFW.

George Sherrill: Walks around during snowstorms saying, “How about this global warming?!”

Christhian Martinez: Brags about giving “dutch ovens”.

Otis Nixon: Unbeknownst to Braves front office, still on current roster.

Kris Medlen: Thought Borat was the coolest documentary he’d ever seen; said “I take this woman to be MY WIIIFE” at his wedding; wore an all white tux to his wedding; etc. NOOOOTTTT!

Derek Lowe: Favorite alcoholic drink is “Shots, bro. Shots.”

Jonny Venters: Forgot to call his mom on mothers’ day because he got caught up in “MANswers” marathon.

Peter Moylan: Read zoowithroy.com once and said to his girlfriend, “dude, this f***ing sucks, mate. I don’t get it.”

Coaches
Freddi Gonzalez: Follows 100 porn stars on Twitter and asks them serious questions about their careers.

Roger McDowell: LOL

Alan Butts: His last name is Butts!

6 comments:

  1. "Otis Nixon: Unbeknownst to Braves front office, still on current roster."

    Too funny.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Waitaminute!
    Is that the second coming of Frank Zappa?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sadly...I meet some of those insulting facts, so while they make me laugh, they also make me cry (a little, but I totally just had something in my eye you guys).

    Also...guess I'll have to put on a polo for dinner tonight instead of the button-down.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Chipper Jones: Puts ketchup on his hot dog, like some kind of animal.

    I have no problem believing that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The whole Marlins roster still totally play Pokemon.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Pete Orr approves of this post.

    ReplyDelete

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