Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Danger Guerrero Presents: Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives Visits the Phillies




GUY FIERI: [voiceover] Here in Philadelphia, there’s a hip joint takin’ the locals by storm. If you want to see great pitching, OFF THE HOOK offense, and a loyal fanbase, you need to come check out…

[classic car screeches to a halt in front of Citizens Bank Park]


… the Philadelphia Phillies! The Phillies have been a Philadelphia institution going back 100 years, but had run into some tough times recently. Then, a little over six years ago, ownership brought in new manager Charlie Manuel, and he’s been crankin’ out big-time victories ever since.

[shots of fans cheering, batters hitting line drives, and runners sliding into home]

GUY FIERI: [looking around perfectly normal baseball facilities] Wow, brother. This place is CRAZY! I mean, it’s REALLY OFF THE CHAIN! How did you end up here?! Gimme the 411!




CHARLIE MANUEL: Well, ya know, it’s like, daggum Gillick, and then, like, Ruben. That there World Series, and then, uh [45 seconds of mumbling]… and daggum hittin’ season.

FIERI: [wears wristbands pushed up to mid-forearm like it’s still 1997] Ha-HA! That’s OUT OF BOUNDS. Now when I was out there talkin’ to my peeps, my brothers from another mothers, my bros, they told me I’ve GOT to ask you about this lineup. Gimme the rundown.

MANUEL: Well, ya know like, we got, daggum, Rollins or Victorino, and uh, Utley, and daggum, um, like, Polanco. Then I put in, uh, da-der-dah daggum, ya know, like, Howard, Ibanez, and [unintelligible, followed by chuckle]… and durn Chooch.

FIERI: [takes patented “hunch” stance that every single person who has eaten anything messy has always taken, and acts as though he invented it] Mmm. MMM. That’s HUGE flavor. Because first you get the speed from fast guys, then you get the fundamentals from Utley and Polanco. Then you get that punch from Howard. But you know what the kicker is? That Dom Brown. Gives it real fresh, clean taste. Tell you what, brother. You’ve got a winner here.

MANUEL: [nods, mumbles something about keeping your weight on your back foot]

FIERI: [voiceover] But that’s not all the Phillies are pumpin’ out. Since bringin’ in General Manager Ruben Amaro, they’ve also become known for a BIG TIME pitching rotation, which they’re makin’ from scratch.

FIERI: All right Ruben, tell me about this pitching rotation. It’s your recipe, right?


RUBEN AMARO: [on phone, holds up index finger to tell Fieri to hold on] Yeah, get me Ed Wade… Ed? Yeah, it’s Ruben. Give me Hunter Pence… Yes… Do it… Do it, pussy… You won’t… You heard me… You won’t trade me Hunter Pence for a Single-A relief pitcher… Chicken… You’re a chicken, Ed… [makes chicken squacking noises at Ed Wade over the telephone]… Do it. Do it now. Right now. [Ed Wade agrees to trade Hunter Pence to the Phillies for a Single-A relief pitcher] Ok, good doing business with you.

AMARO: [turning to Fieri] Ok, now what did you want?

FIERI: Tell me about this DOPE, FRESH pitching rotation!

AMARO: [rolls eyes, turns to Charlie] Who is this putz? He looks like douche Bowser.

MANUEL: Like, ya know, daggum, like, he’s that, ya know, durn, the daggum, that guy with the daggum, like, show…

AMARO: I don’t have time for this. I’m leaving.

FIERI: Ha-HA. Talk about a SMUGTASTIC ride to DISMISSIVETOWN!

MANUEL: … and the daggum, like, hair gel, and, uh, the durn, ya know sunglasses…

FIERI: Coming up next on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, we’re pulling in to check out a real dive. A rundown, over-priced dump called the New York Mets!

[50s style music plays into commercial break]

6 comments:

  1. THATS THE GREATEST RUBEN SANDWICH IVE EVER SEEN. MOUTHWATERING, MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stupid. After Cranekicker's great post last week, this was really terrible.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Anonymous

    Don't be a donkey.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Diners Drive Ins and Dives (DDD, The Triple D) are a United State American food television series show. The host of this show “Diners, Drive Ins and Dives” is Guy Fieri.

    ReplyDelete

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