However, today you're in luck. Because while I don't know a corner kick from a kit, I do love pretentious British people.
Enter Liam Davies (aka Simon Britishpants), ZooWithRoy.com's new UK-based Philadelphia Union correspondent. The following is best read with a condescending English accent in mind:
By Liam Davies (aka Simon Britishpants)
Massive, absolutely massive. Union win 2-1 in Chester over the Fire and we have so much to discuss. The lads sit first in the table in the Eastern Conference and just 6 points behind LA Galaxy and no one could have predicted that after a poor first campaign marked by shoddy defense. Speaking of unmade predictions, I know none of the Sons of Ben could have expected the rollicking second half to which we were witness after a somnambulant first half. The first half was positively brutal featuring a “compelling” game between keepers of Route One football save a cheeky throw-in by Mapp to slip Farfan I past the Fire defense but the twin shot wide of the goalmouth. The first half was also notable for us losing Okugo who picked up a knock in the fourth minute.
Right, so with the first half a distant, vaguely unpleasant memory reminiscent of Princess Beatrix’ headgear, we moved on to the second half. The first quarter hour of the second stanza didn’t rate any better and equaled an hour I shan’t get back. But it all changed, as it always does, when Nowak inserted Roger in. The diminutive Columbian did his thing and it wasn’t long before Mike had the first (of the match and his career) in the 63rd. Proper and we’re headed to a quick 30 minutes before heading back to the Dark Horse. Not quite as the next 10 minutes saw the Union make a hash of proper defense when Oduro brought it all square in the 67th and then nearly saw the Fire take the lead if not for the Williams clearance off the line in the 70th.
And then, barely more than 15 minutes from time, it happened. I simply do not rate Ruiz; in fact, one of my mates’ favorite recent things to do as we sit around with a pint is to guess the origin of the El Pescadito (Little Fish) nickname. The loosely formed committee reckoned his frequent dives all over the pitch call to mind a fish flopping on deck, gasping for air. But when his harmless free kick was parried out of the box, Ruiz unleashed a sublime volley with his left foot that beat FC Delco product Conway. The goal gave a glimpse of the talent on display when he was a member of the Galaxy version of Los Galacticos and one could forgive the rather disjointed goal celebration that mostly was notable for sullying the backside of several players’ kits. The River End was awash in Doop and the Union stood strong for the balance of the game. Forget MLS Cup, I want the Supporters’ Shield.