Shane Victorino Goes On the Disabled List

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Interior, Citizen's Bank Park home clubhouse

SHANE: Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

CHARLIE scratches head, ignores (or doesn't hear) Victorino

SHANE: Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie.
Charlie.
Charlie.

CHARLIE: WHAT? What is it son can't you see like I'm over here tryin to like you know like fill out today's lineup card. This ain't easy you know. (Pause) Who the frick is Miguel Martinez?

SHANE: Charlie! Can I play today?

Read the rest, AFTER THE JUMP

CHARLIE: No, you're on the disabled list.

JIMMY (quietly, under his breath): Or the dysfunctional list...

Teammates snicker and stare as Victorino bounces throughout the clubhouse in search of his next victim

SHANE (to Roy Halladay): Hey Roy. Roy. What’s up, bro?

Roy stops doing pushups, Joe Blanton gets off of his back but continues to eat his bowl of Twix.

ROY: What’s up Shane.

SHANE: Dude did you see UFC Unleashed last night on Spike it was on before Manswers dude it was legit son best knockouts of 2010 almost better than that time they shot holes in an airplane on Mythbusters do you like UFC fighting I like the shirts?

ROY: Ummmm… didn’t see it. I was getting my rest. And, I don't really like to chit-chat on game days.

SHANE: Oh okay that's cool I like to rest too well, kinda. I played Call of Duty. (Starts shooting imaginary machine gun at Wilson Valdez) WHOA NICE GOAT!

WILSON VALDEZ: Thanks, amigo. The clubhouse attendant told me to call it Mitch.

RUBEN AMARO JR. enters clubhouse.

RUBEN: Charlie, a word in your office ple--- WHAT IN THE, WHY THE HELL IS THERE A GOAT IN THE CLUBHOUSE!!?

MITCH THE GOAT: Baaaaaaa.

SHANE: It's Wilson's. His name is Mitch he's a goat. Hey Ruben, can I play today?

RUBEN: No, you're on the disabled list, go sit down and rest or get in the training room for some treatment. And get that f***ing goat the f*** out of here!

SHANE ambles over to CLIFF LEE'S locker and does a somersault before coming to rest momentarily.

SHANE: Cliff! What are you doing are you pitching today?!

CLIFF LEE: (looks up from Arkansas State Gaming Commission field guide) No, it's Roy today.

SHANE: Why?

CLIFF LEE: Because that's the order of the pitching rotation

SHANE: But you could pitch today if you wanted to, right?

CLIFF LEE: (dismissively) Yeah I gue--

SHANE: (very loudly, to no one in particular) HEY WHO ARE WE PLAYING TODAY?!!!

ROSS GLOAD: F--kin Texas Rangers, man. F---kin c---suckers. (scowls, spits tobacco on carpet)

SHANE: ...(stares blankly)...What?

JIMMY: You know, Cliff's old team before his other old team that Ruben gave him away to after he was on the Phillies the first time.

SHANE: ... (stares blankly)...

JIMMY: Come on dude, they were in the World Series last year...?

SHANE: YOU GUYS. OMIGOD. YOU GUYS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

RAUL IBANEZ: (rolls eyes, good-naturedly) No, what. What does it mean?

SHANE: WE GET TO MEET CHUCK NORRIS I LOVE THAT SHOW HAVE YOU SEEN THE WEB SITE WITH THE THINGS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS FACTS AND HOW AWESOME HE IS HE'S LIKE A TOTAL LEGEND DID YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SLEEP AND THAT HE ONCE ATE A WHOLE CAMEL--

JIMMY: Dude...

SHANE: HIIIII-YAAAAA!!!

SHANE does his best fake TV kung fu maneuver and then a roundhouse kick that accidentally smashes COLE HAMELS, who has just entered the clubhouse, right in the side of his prominent jawline

COLE: (holds side of face gingerly) Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Shane, like what the flip!!?

RYAN HOWARD logs on to http://www.colehamelsfacts.com/ on $25,000 laptop, submits fact: "Cole Hamels has no defense for Hyperactive Hawaiian Kung Fu"

Off in the corner of the clubhouse, JOSE CONTRERAS has somehow slaughtered and is now cooking Wilson Valdez’s goat on an open fire spit

SHANE: Holy Sh*t Jose’s cooking the sh*t out of that motherf***ing goat oh sh*t son just like a luau! How’d you kill it Jose that’s so awesome?!

JOSE: I punched it in the head.

SHANE: Oh no, not the head, bro!

JOSE: Yes, I eat it. Not braised oxtail, but close.

Before he gets the “close” out of his mouth, Victorino is at PLACIDO POLANCO’s locker, swinging his bat and wiping pine tar off of his hands with Polanco’s jersey.

SHANE: I like to hit, too, but that’s all you do did you know you’re hitting like .380 or something that’s crazy I like you’re … what do they call it…?

Polanco stares ahead, befuddled. Victorino does 37 chin ups, runs over to Ryan Howard and pushes closed his laptop.

HOWARD: What the…

SHANE: You just watched that, too! Get it! Like when you struck out to end the NLCS? Against the Giants? Brian Wilson with the huge awesome beard on his head? Last year? At home? Game six? For the Phillies? San Francisco? Ninth inning? Last out? Strike out? We lost? Remember that?

HOWARD: Bro, there’s something seriously wrong with you-

SHANE: ...APPROACH!!!! I love your approach, Placie! You straight kill it with that mother f***ing approach. “I’m gonna hit that baseball.” PLACIDO. What a name. You can't steal bases though. My name’s one syllable.

RUBEN AMARO JR. exits a brief meeting with the skipper, and is for some reason now wearing sunglasses.

RUBEN: SARDINHA, you have exactly 10 seconds to get this motherf*cker into the training room before I ship your a** back to Waikiki and we let Pete Orr catch tonight.

PETE ORR (seems to appear out of thin air right beside Ruben): Right here, sir. Ready and able.

RUBEN: And get that f***ing fire pit out of here!! What's next, a limbo contest?
 

SARDINEFACE: (grabs Victorino around the waist, lifts him effortlessly) Okay let's go buddy you need to get your electro-stim treatment on that hammy

SHANE offers no resistance but continues to talk in the general direction of no one and everyone all at once.

SHANE: Hammy!!! That reminds me, hey, Truck, save me some of that pork loin, bro and throw some pineapples on that motherf***er make that sh*t like the real thing.

No but seriously you guys Chuck Norris Ranger tonight that's so f***ing cool don't let me forget to bring my camera guys I have to get a picture with him that guy is great and I've always wanted to meet him.

LITTLE ROY!!! MY MAN!! DIDN'T EVEN SEE YOU THERE.

Are you pitching tonight...

Dissolve to Exterior, Citizen's Bank Park

We slowly zoom out from an aerial perspective as SHANE VICTORINO'S increasingly rapid voice trails off...

Later that night, the Phillies lose to the Rangers 1-0 in an 11-inning complete game loss pitched by Roy Halladay.