Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Zoo With Roy’s Recap of the 5/23 Episode of The Bachelorette

yeah i know it's not her but they're all the same whatever who cares

SPOILER ALERT: Everyone is a toolbox.

Yeah so the stupid show starts with our meeting the Bachelorette- Ashley- by way of a romantic comedy’s “single girl living life to the fullest whilst wistfully pining for love” montage set in Philadelphia.  You know, the usual stuff: staring out onto Boathouse Row, dance class, rotations, an Art Museum steps jaunt, ordering a “combo on the outs overboard with a side of gravy fries” from Nick’s Roast Beef. THE UJE. Soon after this trite bit of slow death, the Nag comments that Ashley is less annoying than the last Bachelorette, which means she’s not nearly as hot. Apparently, she’s also less annoying than “the pudgy rich drunk chick Brad should have picked so he could hang out with her dad.” So you have that going for you, Ash. More after the jump.

Then the donkeys get introduced… to us. Winemaking Zach Braff (wine with long hair), Easter Island George Clooney, some guy who hates Ashley, a guy from Ohai, O who can’t use an umbrella, some tragic widowers, a gabagool from New York that calls everyone “kid”, the guy who invented solar panels, an Ivy League snob named Blaine or Wellington or something that wears clothes two sizes too small, a mentally-challenged butcher, and a bulimic Kurt Warner (“BKW”) wearing an batman sleep mask. He’s so mysterious! But so pure and genuine! And possibly my favorite ever. He’s totally going to win. 

And then there were the myriad donkeys that weaved together a generic tapestry of embarrassing sound bytes in their interview sidebar thingies. “I really want her to know I’m here for all of the right reasons!” “I’m just here to find love.” REALLY? On national TV-- in game show format? Color me skeptical on those claims, generic handsome guy with vague job description. You’re either incredibly naïve and lacking the type of chutzpah to win this thing in the first place, or you’re just saying that because: 1) the producers fed you that line like they do to all the other dolts with little of interest to say or 2) you hope that when you inevitably get voted off the dumb dating show dumb chicks from all over the country (world? It hasn’t come to that, has it?) will swoon when they remember how “all about the love” you were, and then you can score easily.  In the case of the latter, well played, generic handsome guys. You truly have taken the first step in your journey.

Over/Under on how many times the word “journey” is used this season: Thirteenity Billion.

No but now Ashley gets to meet them!!! Limousines, just like the Soph Hop! “Zany” is the word I’d use to explain that. Zany square guy bench pressed her. Zany Zach Braff poured her some wine. Zany generic guy recited an awful poem. Zany frat boy tried to kiss her on the lips/she pulled away repulsed/and then he went into the house and zanily told the others, “I kissed her, bro!” Zany “I have no props, just me” mediocre guy zanily made no impression at all. And that guy who hates her was all, “DUDE I HATE YOUR FACE” but only after a zany reaction and what’s zanier than BKW? Case closed!  

We proceed to the sausage house. The donkeys are all sizing each other up, which is fun since 87% of them are the same exact person. Heavy-drinking Liquor Distributor guy hates BKW, and builds a pillow fort to protect himself. Solar panel inventor guy steals Ashley away first, and tells her all kinds of crap about how rich he is and how much he loves earth day and they’re both thinking, “wait what can we make out yet?” At this point I start to black out, but the Nag kicks me in the stomach and refuses to spare me. (You like how I blame her for all of this? It’s evident I’ve invested no interest.) 

No but really at that point, I couldn’t take it anymore and left the room. Okay so fine I went to bed. But apparently Heavy-drinking Long Island Accent Liquor Distributor guy turned into Sloppily-drunk-Long Island-accented-slurring-can’t-speak-jacket-off-wants-to-fight-then-pass-out-and-snore-on-National-TV-guy. GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD! 

Spoiler: this guy loves gin
So yeah, I’m definitely watching next week. I wonder if we’ll see any of these dudes get drunk in a pool with their shirts off or making dental jokes. CLIFFHANGER! Will widower be able to segue his tragedy into second base on the first date?  DRAMA! Can Squarejaw tongue a chick while repelling down the side of a casino? INTRIGUE! Might Blaine Tightkhakis wear his Vineyard Vines oxford under a waterfall during the calendar shoot? NEED TO KNOW! This season is going to be tremendous. 

Also, I can’t wait to see if BKW has different masks for different occasions (Icelandic glacier mask, volcano mask, cuddling mask, etc.). 

He got a rose, right? Had to. [checks internet] YES!!!


  1. Please have one of these recaps every week. Watching the Bachelorette just got a billionty times more entertaining

  2. I feel like they were ALL either widowers or snobs. This was a great recap, all said and done.

  3. I get suckered into watching these with wifey all the time.

    On a scale of 1 to 10, my desire to watch is now a 12ity because of this recap.

    The Yale guy with clothes that were too tight. LULZ


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