Thursday, June 30, 2011

New Non-recurring Weekly Feature: Random Photoshop Thursday!

Hey everyone, ZWR here.

I'm introducing a new non-recurring weekly feature called Random Photoshop Thursday. It's where I have nothing else to post so I throw up a couple facebreaking 'chops (as the kids call them) and call it a day. I hope you enjoy them and post them to your Tumblrs and Google+ accounts and re-tweet them to all your friends and coworkers. You do know your company is monitoring your twitter account, don't you? Oh.

Vance Worley pitched last night and his nickname is The Vanimal and this is a photoshop of him:

No seriously, I'm totally renting out a whole theater when the new Muppets film comes out

I have no idea what prompted this or what made me think of doing this (long story- don't ask), but I love the whole concept and I have been laughing at it for like an hour even though I made it myself, so here you go:

Can't turn off the swag!


When someone who gets you into the New York Times and Washingtonian- despite the fact that you're an idiot running a bolg about wanting to go to the zoo (that features MS Paint)- calls in a favor, you oblige. When the favor relates to something you like anyhow (Mack's Pizza FTW), it's just a pleasure.

Such is the case with official ZWR biographer Jen A Miller's push to make the Thursday before the Fourth of July (zOMG three day weekend!) Saucehose Day. "But ZWR, I'm one of those donkeys that doesn't know a lot about sauce hoses and the Jersey Shore! What should I do?!?!?!" Glad you asked. Buy this book. I've enjoyed the poop out of it, and I know you will too.

All of that said, JAM only loves me for my drawy-style, and I can never disappoint a lady:

So twinker the hashbrown #saucehose if you're into that sort of thing. Also, feel free to get into a heated Mack's v. Sam's debate in the comments section. Just don't curse- kids read this site. BAI!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Flyers Call In A Ringer

Interior, La Quinta Hotel conference room in Southern New Jersey

The Flyers's front office team is assembled around a long wooden conference table. Ed Snider glares nervously at Paul Holmgren, "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

(more after the jump)

Monday, June 27, 2011

A Good Day

Sunday, June 26, 7:45 AM. 

The alarm clock goes off. 

Domonic Brown instantly smacks down on it and shoots out of bed. He sprints down the stairs, unlocks the door without so much as stopping, and gets to the morning paper sitting on his lawn in 3.29 seconds. With the aid of a smooth pivot and burst, he just as quickly gets back into the house.

“Dag, I never saw anyone in pajamas move that fast!”, comments his neighbor.

Without hesitation Brown pours and eats a serving of healthful cereal. He dutifully washes the bowl and places it in his dish rack.

“No dishwasher this morning, I’ll do it!”, he confidently chimes as playfully dusting the nearby maple cabinet with an outstretched index finger. 

With a dash he’s back up the stairs, which he bounds three at a time. He changes into clean clothes while brushing his teeth. Brown flosses expediently. He rinses with mouthwash, and each swish of the liquid from cheek to cheek creates even more rinsing, minty bubbles. Such a laudable effort. Bed made, lights out, a soldierly double check of the bedroom complete, and with the same haste he’s once more down the stairs and, with a blur, out the door.

The rookie right fielder glides to the freshly washed and waxed Nissan Maxima parked curbside and unlocks, opens and takes his place behind the steering wheel in one graceful, efficient motion. No time to adjust the radio station, he leaves it on whatever was last playing for the duration of his morning commute. Brown barely notices the morning chirps on 610 WIP about rookie laziness and the lazy discourse regarding the work ethic of the prototypical "Philadelphia athlete". The traffic lights all smile upon him in green and yellow as he buzzes through intersection after intersection without pause, maintaining his brisk pace.

A local police officer turns his attention back to his morning joe after clocking the Kid at 42 miles per hour in a 35. He's over the speed limit for sure, but not so much as to be reckless or warrant disciplinary action from the fuzz.

Upon arrival at his place of employment, Brown immediately changes into his athletic attire. Before anyone can take notice, he’s the first player on the lush green grass, stretching. With youthful exuberance the youngster breaks into non-mandatory sprints. 

My, how he moves when that motor is at full capacity! It’s truly a thing of beauty. As the sun climbs so does the intensity of Domonic’s routine: calisthenics, batting, fielding, strength work. 

Never one to shun the mental regiments, he recedes into the locker room to watch scouting video of the day’s opponent. A call to pre-game meal beckons, but the young man takes his plate right on back to the television. 

Every second matters, and there’s more studying to be done.

Hurry To The Park! Or Not. Or Whatevs. You Know.

The IronPigs conclude a four game series against the Charlotte Knights tonight at 7:05, but the big news is that the first 3,000 adults 18 and over will receive the laziest, least-hustling bobblehead ever. That's right, it's Dom Brown!


So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (6.26.11 V's the A's)

Getty Images

As, adverb, \az\
1: to the same degree or amount (“As awesome as stromboli”)

2: for instance (“Various blogs, as The Good Phight or Phuture Phillies”)

3: when considered in a specified form or relation —usually used before a preposition or a participle ("The funnel cake I bought, as opposed to the one Todd Zolecki still hasn’t given me")

That's a SPLIT CHANGEUP, yo - Getty Images

A's, noun, \ayez\
1: A collection of whack busters who can't score runs against Roy Halladay ("The A's? As if they had a chance")

So midway through the game yesterday I turned to the Nag and asked, "Who's the only franchise to ever be contracted and never stop playing?" She stared at me blankly while checking on her phone. "The A's! Get it? A contraction. Their name!"


Wait what.

HO HUM. Another complete game/no walks/a lucky run on a few bloopers facebreaking win for Roy. And the odd thing is he wasn't even as "on" as we've seen him capable of being. Think on that: not his total A game (no pun intended), and he throws up that kind of performance. We're very lucky, kids.

The line: 9 innings, 8 hits, ZERO walks, 14 broken bats, 1 stupid earned run, 4 strikeouts, 110 pitches... YAWWWWWN

Basically, Rickie Weeks' brother Jemile "Lil' Rickie Not Richie" Weeks, was all, "Yeah sorry, I got nothin'". He does have future swag potential, though, and for that we're thankful. Lord knows the A's have been sorely lacking it.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Out With It

For serious, I just wanna know: which one of you donkeys is a producer for PHL17?

(pic from @TommyLoughner)

ZWR In The Wild (Humans and Beer Stuff)

Hey donkeys. Sorry about not posting anything to the bolg the last few days- I was busy having to pretend to be a real adult. It was odd, but I'm okay so don't worry. On to awesome people and SCHW related pikachus:

This is the coolest kid ever. When people saw that hat/shirt combination they had no choice but to be in awe. Jessica (who submitted the pic) tells me random folk bought him eleventeen funnel cakes, cotton candies, and helmet sundaes before she had to tell them to cool it in the top of the third. BOOM:

ZWR is all about family (and shirts that violate the MLBPA's sensibilities and get their stupid interns in a tizzy even though WINNIE COOPER loves them and even wore one when she transferred to Lincoln and started dating that boulder head Roger):

As y'all can tell by now, I love that crazy Vince made our beer. It's probably the third best sports-related thing to ever happen to me behind Jorrick Calvin's kick return against Dallas and the time my best friend hit what would have been a game-winning home run in our 8-10 little league championship but the ump called it foul when it was really fair and we wound up winning and I got the save and threw my glove in the air. In conclusion, yes please SCHW- a pictorial:

Ohai I should order that with my sampler thingy!

Yeah that's right yous drank mines first and now it's GONE

Order another one, promptly. Maybe put your hat in 
the middle of the table, too. You know, just cause. 

People from twinker who sent these go follow them: @topherstarr, @jessicaeryn, @phallguy1, @jaayyboo

Thursday, June 23, 2011

On MLB NL Realignment, A Report by ZooKickerGuerrero Consulting, LLC

Commissioner Selke, long a fan and keen admirer of my judgment, decided recently that he’d assign a considerable piece of this realignment proposition to the world’s foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay and his unpaid staffers. You know, since they rule. As such, Danger Guerrero, Crane Kick Chronicles, and I were tasked with creating what likely will become the new National League. 

But how to carry it out? What would allow for the most equitable distribution of our creative problem solving abilities (while being topical for today)? A-ha! We'll build through the draft. We shall turn the cliche into action. That's how we do.

15 teams, three newly-named divisions, one awesomesauce league. Our formal report to the commish is forthcoming, but below are the results.  

Lottery Recap: ZWR goes first! 

Pick 1, ZWR Division: Philadelphia Phillies.  Bwahahhaahahahahahahaha, suck it, losers!
CK: He’s never going to go to the zoo with you. Maybe you need a new target. Try Kendrick. He will probably go roller blading or something.

DG: “I Want To Go Roller Blading With Kyle” sounds like a song Tiffany would have performed during her mall tour.

(More--lots more--after the jump)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Tony LaRussa's Lineup for Tonight's Game

It's no secret that Tony LaRussa has been a smug donkey for years and years, but given last night's proceedings from baseball heaven he may have finally fallen off the edge. Not only did he pull a side-arming lefty reliever (LOOGY!) to bring in a hard throwing right-hander to peg Ryan Howard, who literally has never had a hit against a side-arming lefty reliever, but he also then made 11 consecutive pitching changes in one inning. Oh, and he also batted the pitcher eighth. It's genius, you see, because it's fun and effective to humiliate players!

Well, now I finally have proof that indeed LaRussa has embraced madness as his official managerial style, or is back on the Banker's Club, or both. ZWR sources in and around St. Louis were able to independently obtain and confirm that the following picture is actually the Cardinals' lineup tonight, as filled out moments ago by skipper Tony LaRussa:

What a lunatic.

To: Chooch; Subject: All Faisboll; From: God


So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (6.21.11 v the Cardinals)

Dude for real? Really?!

Roy only gave up four hits and a run through six, but since the offense (excluding Chooch) couldn't do butt got lifted for a pinch hitter (The Rake) in the top of the seventh. Yeah of course then they scored twelvity runs off some Amish guy and a cavalcade of donkeys and space cadets and won 10-2.

I should be happy with the outcome, and I am, but it's just that HLHIII deserved better. Our hero took a no decision, which of course doesn't even bother him since he's basically the hardest-working, most selfless guy in the league.

What does Roy Halladay do when he only throws 97 pitches? That's his warm-up routine, you say. Well we all found out this morning. He also made the team-- and the entire hotel staff at the Downtown Sheraton-- pancakes (with a fresh fruit medley and blueberry compote!).

God love him.

Roy Halladay Spotted Early This Morning

As the sun rose over St. Louis...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Tale of the Tape: Halladay vs. Holliday

Don't Be Sad, Lance Berkman

ZWR reporter Dennis Deitch caught up with the Cardinals slugger Lance Berkman last night, and asked him how he felt in the past after having faced Roy Halladay (as he will again tonight, without the assistance of future Phillies left fielder Albert Pujols).

All woes of all men sat upon thy soul
And all their wrongs were heavy on thy head;
With all their wounds thy heart was pierced and bled,
And in thy spirit as in a mourning scroll
The world's huge sorrows were inscribed by roll
To which quipped Deitch (his audience hardly amused or impressed that he's ne'er to miss an allusion), "Swinburne-- you're roasted!"

Monday, June 20, 2011

Koalas Have Pouches

This glorious pic is from The Fightins

Saturday, June 18, 2011

ZWR In The Wild: Face-Breakingly Adorable Kids Edition

I love kids. No lie, I do. Yeah they're dirty and loud and mine just woke me up at 6:30 on a Saturday, but their flickers of awesome (said WAAAH sat on my lap and read a Muppets book (melt!)) outweigh the "dude are you sh***ing me" spells.

So I dig this ZWR in the Wild a little extra. I'm thinking more than white guys tailgating while drinking from vortex bottles and bro-fiving (dude calm down I still love you) but less than strombolis wearing plaid scarves (duh). Enjoy.

@muddzk and her foam-fingered, fifth starter, Phanatic loving nephews

"Holy Butt, Cliff Lee!"

You ready for this?

I mean, it's fargling amazing.

Topical, too.

Yay, the summer.

Yay, the beach.

Yay, boardwalks.

Yay, the ocean.

Yay, life.

Dude these aren't even my kids but I might frame this and hang it in the den.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm That Goat By The Bar Toasting To The Good Life

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (6.15.11 v. The Marlins)

Most of this photo is from

And these clocks keep unwinding
And completely ignore
Everything that we hate or adore
Once the page of a calendar is turned it's no more
So tell me, then, what was it for?
Oh, tell me, what was it for?

I'll tell you, Conor. It's for that moment when folks woke up this morning, checked their phones/turned on the television/grabbed the paper and saw the score of the game- that the Phillies came back and won last night. That incredibly brief, yet undeniably pure instant of bewildered joy that rushes frenetically before even a full acknowledgment of what's making you happy* sets in. I mean, yeah, we're gonna die and it's likely eternal nothing once that happens so you're not totally wrong and all, but that was pretty damn hip.

* Happy [She brought back to his recollection the happy days of blissful childhood together on the banks of Anna Liffey when they had indulged in the innocent pastimes of the young and, oblivious of the dreadful present, they both laughed heartily, all the spectators, including the venerable pastor, joining in the general merriment].

"But ZWR, how did Roy do?!?!?!?!!!" That's kind of tricky, girl. The numbers checked out- 7 IP, 6 H, 0 BB, 8K (3 Cuttered, 5 So Cuttered). Balls were finding green, though, and when he left there were four on the board that keeps score. Thankfully, the man who so often bails out the offense had the favor returned; and that's kind of what being a team is all about, no?

Awwww Shucky Ducky, It's a Swag-O-Meter Update!!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


OMG dude did you see when that catcher from the Mariners tried to throw the ball back to the pitcher and it hit me square in the mug it was hilarious but it didn't even hurt my head is hard as sh*t for real go ahead punch me it's okay I swear punch me like Apollo Ohnoez I loved Rocky II I don't feel anything but no joke it was pretty damn funny I mean BOOM right in the old ear hole crazy right I ate cheddar cheese Bugles for breakfast

Share photos on twitter with Twitpic
 .gif from the inimitable @dhm, who always rules. Thanks Dan!!!

Double Dip

Years ago, when I was just some donkey college senior, I found myself in a Tuesday/Thursday class rotation of Geography I (me, 13 freshman, & half the basketball team) and International Business ("Scariest syllabus ever I hear this prof is hard wait what's this new multimedia room that book is thick, yo").

Similarly (I guess), the Marlins find themselves this morning waking up hungover in their twin bed, nestled in all ignorant of life and dumb under that Pearl Jam concert poster (“Bro, swear to God, it was a fourteen song encore!”). Rocks for Jocks at 10, a guaranteed D at 1:30. Thing is, even though geography class was supposed to be the easy one, it had its moments. Plus, the subtle premonitions and anxiety over what came later in the day sometimes had me confusing those stupid fargling lakes and mountain ranges.  Just breathe, the Marlins. Tell yourselves it'll all be okay.

ZWR In The Wild Fightins Tailgate 2 (Tailgate Harder) Edition

There actually aren't too many pictures in circulation from Saturday's events, which may be a good thing. At any rate, here are some for the kids in the crowd who like their music loud.

Alex rocking a CBP (omfg) alongside The Godfather:

How adorable are @d_agostino and Casey?

PetRazor and Ruben Amaro Jr (or Mike) enjoying some #ZWRBEER:

Speaking of #ZWRBEER:

Me, Spike Eskin (nice tats), and John Gonzalez:

VINCE!!! and his way, way, way better half:

Actually there aren't even any ZWR shirts in this next picture but there are pretty girls and stromboli so I'm posting it:

Yeah so there you go. Also, a billion thanks to the folks I got to meet who had kind words for the bolg - I am incredibly grateful for them and your support (awwww). Also also, thanks to THE FIGHTINS (my favorite website and staff ever) for hosting such an awesome event. You guys are the kings.
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