Friday, June 3, 2011

The 2011 Phillies Spelling Bee

Interior, sparsely populated auditorium

Tom McCarthy: Hello everyone, I’m Tom McCarthy, joined by my good buddy Sarge here at the Philadelphia Phillies 2011 Spelling Bee, presented by New York Life. You’re always safe and secure with New York Life. Speaking of secure, how do you think these big kids are feeling as their chance to show their wares approaches, Sarge old buddy?

Sarge Matthews: Yes, absolutely Tom.

T-Mac: Some quick pointers! This follows many of the same rules and regulations as the famous Scripps National Spelling Bee. The speller at the microphone has a time limit of 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Contestants can ask for a definition, sentence, part of speech, language(s) of origin and alternate pronunciation(s).

Time begins when the pronouncer first pronounces the word. For the first 1 minute and 45 seconds, the speller will have the benefit of viewing a monitor displaying a traffic light graphic in green light mode. After 2 minutes, Chris Wheeler will pop on screen whining, “Here We Go Again!” repeatedly, until the time clock reaches the 2:30 minute mark.

Well, I see our first speller is approaching the stage... the FLYIN HAWAIIAN, Shane Victorino!

MC: Your word is … Bewildered.

Shane: Dude that’s so awesome. What a neat word? Did you make it up. I love to make up words- like “dude” and “awesome” and all kinds of stuff. What do I do? Oh, that’s right- spell it! I can do that! I love to spell. Okay, bewiddled.

MC: Bewildered.

Shane: I know, right! Bewiddled. B – E -  E – E – E – E – E – W – U – I- E- do you like roast pork I totally do wait I lost my spot nevermind I got it back L – D- E- D. Bewiddled.

Buzzer sounds.

Victorino sprints to the front of the stage with his arms in the air and his right hand forming the number one. He dives off into the crowd singing “We Are the Champions”.

TMac: Next up, it's 2008 World Series MVP Cole Hamels. You know Sarge, Cole is off to a hot start this year, let's see what he does here.

MC: Your word is... Bichon Frise

Cole Hamels: Bichon Frise. B-I- hey wait a minute, isn't that, you know, two words? I’m not quite sure that’s even, you know, allowed. But, you know, I’ll just do my best to work through that, and, you know, do what I can as long as, you know, it helps the team. It’s all good. You know, I can deal with it. If I can be a, you know, World Series MVP then, you know, I can do anything I set my mind to. You know, I’m just going to, you know, stay positive. What was the word again? Oh, right, it was two words. I forget, you know, but everything will be fine.

Chris Wheeler pops up on the screen.

Chris Wheeler: Oh Brother!

TMac: How about that?!!!! Sarge, next up is Domonic Brown.

Sarge: Absolutely, Tom

MC: Your word is … Platoon.

Dom Brown: Awwww, man. Awww man!

Charlie Manuel walks slowly on stage, his head wobbling with each stride.

Charlie: Alright you know like, see that microphone guy you know like I seen him takin notes with his left hand there and holdin that card there like and stuff  with and you know like takin notes stuff so well I’m gonna go with a righty pinch speller here and stuff and you know like play them numbers see if we can't spell good.

Dom Brown: Aww man, sheesh.

Dom Brown hangs head, walks off stage.

Jimmy Rollins, standing behind a giant Red Bull display, yells: Keep yo SWAG, young boy!

Ben Francisco replaces Dom Brown.

Ben Francisco: Platoon. P-A-L-T-U-N-E. Platoon.

MC: Wrong. That is very, very wrong. You failed. Go away.

Ben Francisco does the Carlton dance off stage.

Kyle Kendrick rushes on stage holding a paper mache, baking soda and vinegar volcano.

Kyle Kendrick: I’m late!

He looks around, realizes it isn't a a science fair, then throws the volcano down and storms off, crying uncontrollably.

Joe Blanton: Hey are you going to eat that baking soda?

Chase Utley: Poor kid looked bewildered.

Shane Victorino, who is now somehow up on the lighting catwalk, spinning the spotlight wildly and casting illumination all around the auditorium: B  E – E- E- W – E – U – DOUBLE – WILD – E –R oh my god this rules hi guys hey have you guys ever seen Dora the Explorer there's this monkey on there and it's wearing these huge red shoes!

TMac: Hey, speaking of loveable primates, it’s Ruben Amaro! The GM’s going to spell a word here, Sarge.

Sarge: That's right.

Amaro strikes a smug contrapposto center stage.

MC: Your word is … Supercilious.

Amaro looks down at the MC, then checks his watch. He mutters something under his breath, then looks back up, bemused.

Ruben Amaro: Yeah, I can spell that.

Amaro turns to walk off stage. Just then, the Blackberry rings. Seemingly without even searching it out, the device is to his ear.

Ruben Amaro: Hello. What. What. Are you kidding?! You have got to be f***ing kidding me, Ed. What did I say? Are you EVER allowed to f***ing call me, Ed?!?! I didn't think so. No- no. Hang up. Hang up the phone, Ed.

TMac: What have we here, Sarge!? Sammy’s waving Michael Martinez to the mic!

Sarge: Oh boy, THIS should be good.

MC: Your word is … Pneumonia.

Michael Martinez: N –

*Buzzer sounds*

TMac: Sammy got a little aggressive there. Hey, here’s pitching coach Rich Dubee stepping to the mound… I mean, mic. Hahahahahahahahahaha. I’m losing it in my old age, Sarge, I tell ya!

Sarge: Absolutely Tom, maybe you should kill yourself.

MC: Your word is … Hippopotamus

Rich Dubee: Huh.  Can you use that in a sentence?

MC: There is a giant hippopotamus at the zoo named Rick.

Rich Dubee: Roger. Here’s at it. H- A- P- P … Aw, man- Happ! I can’t… I just… I mean, that idiot brought a volcano. Why couldn’t we have… (lets out audible sigh)

Rich Dubee walks off the stage, dejected and miserable. 

As he exits stage left, Wilson Valdez chases a goat--Mitch III--in the opposite direction across the stage. Carlos Ruiz follows, in full catching gear. Chooch throws his mask off just as he exits stage right.

T-Mac: We're narrowing down to the end here, Sarge, and no one can seem to spell a word. How about that?

Sarge, distracted by the latest Alyssa Milano MLB fashionwear catalog: That's right, baby. I know how you like it.

T-Mac: Hey Sarge, speaking of squeezin it, it's Placido Polanco!! He's been clutch all year! Let's see what he does here.

MC: Your word is... Gigantopithecus.

Polanco: Can you use it in a sentence, please?

MC: An ape-like hominid ancestor with a giant skull, many cryptozoologists believe gigantopithecus still walks the earth today.

Polanco: Gigantopithecus. G-I-G-A-N-T-O-P-I-T-H-E-C-U-S

MC: That is correct!


Sarge: Absolutely, Tom. Here comes Jo-Se Con-trer-ASS!

Contreras walks to the mic, bites the foam head off, and walks off, chewing.

T-Mac: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA well, you don't see that very often, do you, Sarge?

Sarge: No, you sure don't.

T-Mac: Oh wow Sarge, next to the stage is Roy Oswalt. Let's see if he's regained some of that velocity.

MC: Your word is... alternator.

Little Roy: (mumbles barely intelligible nonsense about spark plugs)

*Buzzer sounds*

T-Mac: Fans have got to be disappointed in that effort, Sarge.

Sarge: Sure do. I don't KNOW what Roy was EVEN saying there, Tom.

TMac: Well on in relief of Roy is Ryan Madson. Let’s see what the tall righty can dial up.

MC: Your word is… Ennui

Ryan Madson: Oh what the f**k!

Angered, Madson kicks Danys Baez’s chair violently. Baez is startled, and throws his lanyard at Madson. The lanyard misses Madson by two feet.

T-Mac: Well, here it is... the moment we've ALLLLL been waiting for. The next speller up is and guess what, THE DOCTOR IS IN THE HOUSE. That's right, it's 2010 NL Cy Young Award winner Roy Halladay.

(Eleven minute standing ovation from the crowd)

MC: Your word is... Honorificabilitudinitatibus

Roy Halladay: Honorificabilitudinitatibus. H-O-N-O-R-I-F-I-C-A-B-I-L-I-T-U-D-I-N-I-T-A-T-I-B-U-S. Honorificabilitudinitatibus.

Victorino, who is all of a sudden in the broadcast booth with a microphone: OH SH*T SON DID YOU YOU SEE THAT SON ROY STRAIGHT KILLED IT! NO QUESTIONS ASKED THAT WAS SICK.

Carlos Ruiz surges back on stage, where he and Halladay embrace.

Photo credits:
The Internet


  1. I laughed so hard I w-e-p-t.


  2. Holy Butt- that's perfect.

  3. ZWR -- are Dom Brown and Swiper the Fox the same person/being ("Awwww mannn")? If so, my daughter will be really happy. Also, Utley=Thomas the Train.

  4. The part with Bayez missing by two feet is....poetic

  5. Ahaha All Polanco does is spell. twitter jokes.

  6. omgomgomgomg I died.

    And came back to life. And then died again after

    "Sarge: Absolutely Tom, maybe you should kill yourself."

  7. Fargle bargle. That skit broke my face.

  8. Fantabulous. F-A-N-T-A-B-U-L-O-U-S. Fantabulous.

  9. This thing is hotter than Alyssa Milano.

  10. Wow! That was the best ZWR post ever. So face broke.

  11. *standing ovation*

  12. "Aw, man- Happ! I can’t… I just… I mean, that idiot brought a volcano. Why couldn’t we have… (lets out audible sigh)"

    'Nuff said right there.

  13. Sheer poetry! Thanks for making me LOL!

  14. Lets act these out at the "Fightins Tailgate 2: Tailgate Harder"


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