Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Flyers Call In A Ringer

Interior, La Quinta Hotel conference room in Southern New Jersey

The Flyers's front office team is assembled around a long wooden conference table. Ed Snider glares nervously at Paul Holmgren, "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

(more after the jump)

Suddenly, a thick conference door swings open and Ruben Amaro Jr., GM of the Philadelphia Phillies, enters.

He's wearing expensive sunglasses and a utility belt of Blackberries and other assorted smartphones. Assistant GM Scott Proefrock trails Amaro, typing furiously into an iPad fitted in a Stanford sleeve.

Amaro, to Proefrock, “That thing connected to the printer, Carl?”

Proefrock confirms that it is.

Amaro stares condescendingly at the Flyers management team: "Yeah, I'm here. Now what? Has the fee been taken care of? Okay, let's go you hayseeds, for f**ks sake, I don't have all day. F**king lacrosse...”

Paul Holmgren presses a saved number for Steven Stamkos' agent on his own Blackberry and slides the phone across the table to Amaro.

Amaro begins: “What’s the kid’s name? Yeah, I don’t care. Who are you? What? Nevermind. They want him. No, shut up. Shut. Up. He’ll sign. I said shut up. Who cares how many years?”

There is silence as Amaro agitatedly listens. Holmgren and the Flyers brass, amazed, watches him reverently.

Amaro puts the phone on the table as Stamkos' agent talks and gives it the middle finger--then another with his left hand. He grabs his crotch, thrusts it toward the Blackberry, and then picks the phone back up.

Bob Clarke shoots out of his chair and screams, “BREAK A KOHO ACROSS HIS F***ING ANKLES, RAUL!”

Holmgren instantly shoves him back into his seat and turns to Snider, frustrated. “Does he really have to be here?” Holmgren gives Clarke a juice box. 

Amaro smiles at the former Flyer captain and GM- the two warriors share an unspoken bond.

He attends once more to the phone conversation, interrupting the agent: “Here’s a good lesson I learned from a wise man once: don’t be an asshat. You’re welcome.”

Clarke rises again with excitement, but Amaro holds his hand up and continues to bark into the phone, which he is now holding horizontally six inches from his chin:

“Look Timmy, all I know is that this is gonna happen whether you like it or not. So just relax and take it, okay? Toronto?! Are you kidding—that’s not even a real place. Nothing but communists and draft dodgers up there. You may as well threaten to have the kid play in Florida or some sh*t.”

He covers the mouthpiece and whispers towards Holmgren, “Does your league have a commissioner?”

Holmgren quickly answers, “no”.

"Is there a salary cap?"

"Technically... no."

Amaro returns: “So here’s what I’m gonna do. You listening? Cause this is final. No, no. Stop. Shut your mouth and listen.”

There is a long, tense pause as Amaro toys his with his prey.

“Okay... here it is.10 years, 51 and a half million. What? No, you asshat. American. That’s what you’re gonna do. Okay. Sound good? That’s what I thought. Oh, and the Houston Astros are paying seventeen of that. Send the paperwork over to my man Carl and we’ll get this done.”

Amaro listens for a beat before abruptly ending the call and dismissively skipping the phone back across the table to Holmgren.

Amaro: “F**kin Canadians... Okay, you got yourself a striker or whatever. Press conference tomorrow. You’re welcome.”

The Flyers' front office team sits in stunned silence as Amaro smugly turns and strides out of the room crotch first, Proefrock in his wake.


  1. 'Oh, and the Houston Astros are paying seventeen of that.' LULZ

  2. Ruben spent five mintues berating Holmgrem on his hillbilly haircut and then gave it to Bobby Clarke for wearing a double breasted suit.

  3. Coffee everywhere reading this. The middle finger and crotch to the phone was priceless.

  4. If Holmgreen turns Carter, Richars, and Powe into Brynzgolov, Schenn, and Steven "ZOMG" Stamkos he might give Amaro a run for his money for Philly's best GM.

    Seriously that would be the Wedding at Cana level of a transformation (Water into wine for the non-Christian donkeys here)

  5. Gold, Rick. Gold.

  6. Well played, Mauer...

  7. Sorry, but I do not get this. Perhaps, it is an attempt at humor, but it is rife with mistakes. It is quite obvious that Richard, the proprietor of this site, knows nothing about sports.

    First, the Phillies and Astros are Major League Baseball teams and, therefore, would not be involved in helping the Flyers sign a professional Hockey player. Further, Stamkos is not a striker, he is a center. Striker is not even a position in hockey. Perhaps, you are confused with soccer. Finally, discounting all of the other mistakes (and their are many more), there is no way the Flyers will sign Stamkos for $5 million per year.

    I am embarrassed for you, Richard. I shall take my reading bolg's about going to the zoo with professional athletes business elsewhere.

    Good day sir. I shall now retire to the drawing room to finish this month's Paris Review.

  8. I'm going all in in an attempt to hire anonymous.

  9. I'd like to imagine RAJ as an Ari Gold-type fella, but then if Rube actually heard that comparison about himself, he'd make me go play for the Astros for saying something so insulting about him.

  10. I'm gonna hire Rube to negotiate my next raise at work, it will be epic

  11. Holy crapstick sandwiches, that was hilarious.

  12. this was based off a tweet.....

  13. Sir, may I call you Sir, Richard? I am intrigued by your offer to make me a serious sports bolgger (sic) but I have some trepidation. Namely, I generally prefer websites devoted to humor, and I am weak on general sports knowledge. However, as I noted above, sports knowledge does not appear to be a a pre-requisite to be a bolgger (sic) on this site. Thus,I have heard fine things about this So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat beer. I shall accept your employment offer upon delivery of 3 six packs to my home in Chicago and a lifetime 7.13% discount on all ZWR apparrel.

    P.S. The Lethem piece in the Review is excellent. You should tell your readers.

  14. reminds me of the Wolf in Pulp Fiction

  15. RAJ to Holmgren and Clarke: “What I need you two fellas to do is call up this Stamkos guy and make sure he’s listening. And I'm talkin' fast, fast, fast. You need to let me get in there, scoop up all those other ideas of playing for another team. Get em out of there. I need you to make some money available – now when it comes to money, it don't need to be spic and span, you don't need to eat off it. Give me a figure to work with. What you need to take care of are the really messy parts. The drool you have when you think he’s going to play here, Tampa matching the offer, you gotta soak that $h!t up. But the contract length is a different story. That you need to get really right. Get the calendar, offer a five-year deal, do a good job. Now Snider, we need to raid your players in case we need to make a trade. I need Schenn, I need Bobrovsky, I need draft picks. The higher the better, the younger the better. No old guys, can't use 'em. We need to camouflage the deal to make it look like we’re giving up a lot. If he won’t accept the offer we're gonna line the deal with draft picks and young talent. If the commissioner stops us and starts stickin' his big snout in the deal, the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, we’ll appear to know what we’re doing. Eddie – lead the way, boys – get to work.”

    RAJ and Snider turn, heading for the bedroom, leaving Holmgren and Clarke standing in the kitchen.

    Holmgren (calling after him): A "please" would be nice.

    RAJ stops and turns around.

    RAJ: Come again?

    Holmgren: I said a "please" would be nice.

    RAJ takes a step toward him.

    RAJ: Set it straight, Buster. I'm not here to say "please."I'm here to tell you want to do. And if self-preservation is an instinct you possess, you better f*#&!n' do itand do it quick. I'm here to help you win a cup. If my help's not appreciated, lotsa luck gentlemen.

    Clarke: It ain't that way, Ruben. Your help is definitely appreciated.

    Holmgren: I don't mean any disrespect. I just don't like people barkin' orders at me.

    RAJ: If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to sign this kid. So pretty please, with sugar on top, follow my f$&%!n instructions.

  16. what watch does Ruben wear ?

  17. It's been 8 months or so. I don't care. Clarke saying “BREAK A KOHO ACROSS HIS F***ING ANKLES, RAUL!” still makes me laugh hysterically. Bless you and this site.


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