Thursday, June 23, 2011

On MLB NL Realignment, A Report by ZooKickerGuerrero Consulting, LLC

Commissioner Selke, long a fan and keen admirer of my judgment, decided recently that he’d assign a considerable piece of this realignment proposition to the world’s foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay and his unpaid staffers. You know, since they rule. As such, Danger Guerrero, Crane Kick Chronicles, and I were tasked with creating what likely will become the new National League. 

But how to carry it out? What would allow for the most equitable distribution of our creative problem solving abilities (while being topical for today)? A-ha! We'll build through the draft. We shall turn the cliche into action. That's how we do.

15 teams, three newly-named divisions, one awesomesauce league. Our formal report to the commish is forthcoming, but below are the results.  

Lottery Recap: ZWR goes first! 

Pick 1, ZWR Division: Philadelphia Phillies.  Bwahahhaahahahahahahaha, suck it, losers!
CK: He’s never going to go to the zoo with you. Maybe you need a new target. Try Kendrick. He will probably go roller blading or something.

DG: “I Want To Go Roller Blading With Kyle” sounds like a song Tiffany would have performed during her mall tour.

(More--lots more--after the jump)

Pick 1, DG Division: San Diego Padres. A) They usually suck, so expectations for them would be super-low. B) San Diego is gorgeous year round. C) I did a Google image search of ‘San Diego’ and this picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar playing with a dolphin came up. So I guess that settles that.

CK: I read this as “Blah blah blah I want to wear the chicken mascot costume blah blah blah I heart camouflage jerseys blah blah blah Brad from the Real World: San Diego is my idol blah blah blah Natrone Means.”

ZWR: In Danger’s defense, Natrone Means Business. But yeah, this is a terrible pick.

Pick 1, CKC Division: Montreal Expos. Ok *technically* this pick is the New York Mets. However, we all know no one gives two turkey feet about the Mets or their craphole stadium so I’m taking this opportunity to move the team north and bring back the Expos, along with mascot (and possible distant cousin of Big Shot) Youppi. Au revoir!

PS - Delino Deshields has been named Manager.
ZWR: I like. With the Atlanta Thundercats moving to Winnipeg this resonates in the current climate. I sure hope they kept that reflective glass behind home plate. #umpbooty

DG: If this happens, I call Executive Producer on a “Hard Knocks”-style reality show following the Metspos wacky adventures dealing with French Canadian culture.

Pick 2, ZWR Division: Bismack Biyombo, F/C, Congo. Kid has a 7’6” wingspan, and absolutely projects to be the anchor of our defense. “WHO WANTS TO SEX BIYOMBO?!?!?!”

DG: Mel Kiper says Biyambo has great “funnynamebility” and projects him to have a long, successful career. Todd McShay disagrees vehemently while looking like a douche.

CK: I claimed Bismack Biyombo back in April on Twitter. We all know that will hold up in court. Ask Rep. Weiner or Mo Speights. I’m drafting under protest.

Pick 2, DG Division: “Franklin and Bash.” I feel extremely confident in predicting that this show will go down as the greatest television program of our generation.

ZWR: Wait, is that the dude from Road Trip? The one who went to Austin, Massachusetts with Stiffler and the smug prick and the dying kid? I smell a scene breakdown.

CK: I dunno what this is but if it’s about Ben Franklin and Jose Canseco then 1000 times yes.

Pick 2, CKC Division: Randall Cunningham. When I was six years old I met him in the Cherry Hill Mall and he asked me if I knew who he was and I said Dr. J. I owe him this much. 

DG: I just Googled this ‘Randall Cunningham’ person, and he appears to be nothing but a Dollar Tree version of QB Eagles. Reach.

ZWR: My turn for a story. When I was like 7 I dictated for my old man (which he graciously typed) a letter to the Eagles, asking them to start “Rambo” Randall Cunningham (I don’t think anyone ever actually called him that) over Ron Jaworski. I went over a litany of reasons, and closed with the sturdiest: because he could run way faster. Needless to say, they listened.

Pick 3, ZWR Division: Houston Astros. You’re welcome, Ruben. Ed Wade’s punchable, pathetic mug just sitting there in the executive suites eating chicken fingers every three or four weeks waiting to be fleeced. It’s almost unfair, but I mean they’re helping to pay for Roy Oswalt so it’s not even entirely unbelievable. Hunter Pence will be a Phillies in no time.

DG: Old Astros uniforms or G-alltheway-TFO

CK: What he said. Oh and bring back the Mike Scott Regulation Wiffle Ball box while you’re at it.

Pick 3, DG Division: The Chicago Cubs, as depicted in the smash 1993 family comedy Rookie of the Year. Any organization willing to put a 12-year-old in their bullpen and allow him to be mentored by a mustachioed Gary Busey is A-OK in my book.

CK: “85% percent of the f@&%ing world’s working. The other 15 come out here. It’s a f$?%ing playground for the mother f!!1ers.” - Lee Elia, Cubs Manager

ZWR: My neighbor is trying to put bleachers on his roof so that he can charge people to watch me bolg. Fargle bargle.

Pick 3, CKC Division: Kansas City Royals. I’m connecting a lazy river that circles the entire stadium to that waterfall fountain thing in the outfield. Also, there will be a mural of Bo Jackson on the batter’s eye and during Sunday home games RC Cola and whiskey will cost $2.

ZWR: The Bo Jackson Air Trainer (in obnoxious orange and blue) is my second favorite sneaker of all time, behind the blue Jordans. I still remember straight dominating games of “Jailbreak” because I was rocking those things. One-two-three-your-my-man-no-breaksies-no-getaways.

DG: I vote for an animatronic Bo Jackson that snaps a bat over his knee every time an opposing batter strikes out. Or maybe just the real Bo Jackson. I’ll fax him the paperwork.

Pick 4, ZWR Division: Boobs. Steal of the draft.
DG: Excellent pick, but I see two potential downsides: 1) By picking ‘boobs’ instead of ‘breasts,’ you get nincompoops like Criss Angel thrown in (total boob). 2) Shane Victorino will be completely neutralized during every Phillies-Boobs division series.

CK: Risky selection. Downside - I see huge potential for a PED scandal among the fake-breasted constituents. Upside - Boobs are awesome.

Pick 4, DG Division: Mai tais. The Cadillac of boat drinks. BONUS: There’s lots of fruit juice in them, so they’re totally good for you. I mean, in the grand scheme of things they’re practically vegetables.

ZWR: Wait do they have umbrellas in them because if so this is a solid pick.

CK: A mai tai for breakfast, a mai tai for lunch and then a sensible dinner. Even pasta!

Pick 4, CKC Division: Buffalo Chicken Cheesesteaks. Remember the video of that kid going apeshit when he got a Nintendo for Christmas? That’s how I feel right now. 

Ed. note.

DG: You better hope the commissioner’s office schedules an interleague matchup with toilet paper.


Pick 5, ZWR Division: My old Panini sticker book. All I need are numbers 167 (forget who) and Ozzie Virgil it’s complete!

CK: I miss those. The Pirates team logo sticker totally ruled.

DG: I don’t know what that is but here’s an old picture of Britney Spears I just found.

ZWR Rebuttal: Your mom.

CK Rebuttal: Woah if you scroll down far enough to hide her googley eye that picture rules.

Pick 5, DG Division: TURK DANCE.

ZWR: “It’s bolg love, that’s what it is, it’s bolg love, I’m Crane’s and Hazard Rodriguez’s his, there’s nothing gay about it in our eyes.”

CK: Saturn pajamas. NQA.

DG: ABC BBD, The East Coast Family

Pick 5, CKC Division: Tawny Kitaen.
Tawny_Kitaen: Thank you guys for ALL the kind "Stick-up for Tawny" tweets. Whoever did this2us to keep us from being as close as we R U no who u R ur mean

cranekicker @Tawny_Kitaen: I KNO I CANT STAND THE H8RS N E MORE U GO GIRL LOL

Tawny_Kitaen @cranekicker: Right? I H8 H8ers.

ZWR: Nothing I can add to that, yo.

DG: Should of told her about that buffalo chicken cheesesteak you 8 b4.

CK: H8er.


ZWR Division
  1. Philadelphia Phillies
  2. Bismack Biyambo
  3. Houston Astros
  4. Boobs
  5. Panini Sticker Book

DG Division
  1. San Diego Padres
  2. ’Franklin & Bash’
  3. Chicago Cubs (from Rookie of the Year)
  4. Mai Tais
  5. Turk Dance

CKC Division
  1. Montreal Metspos
  2. Randall Cunningham
  3. Kansas City Royals
  4. Buffalo Chicken Cheesesteaks
  5. Tawny Kitaen


  1. Didn't Montreal become Washington, or did I miss a joke?

  2. TURK DANCE = World Champions.

  3. “It’s bolg love, that’s what it is, it’s bolg love, I’m Crane’s and Hazard Rodriguez’s his, there’s nothing gay about it in our eyes.” Absolute best episode of any TV show ever, hands down.

  4. Best. Post. Ever. You guys just won the internets

  5. Boobs, Turk Dance, and Buffalo Chicken Cheesesteaks, with Randall Cunningham taking the Wild Card.

    Turk Dance barely brushes past Boobs to win it all.

  6. "He’s never going to go to the zoo with you. Maybe you need a new target"

    Best... Comeback... EVER !!!

  7. Only flaw: Nobody picked Elio's.


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