Monday, July 25, 2011

American League Re-alignment Draft: A ZWR, @DangerGuerrero (who is studying for the Bar Exam), and @Cranekicker Joint

 Hey kids. Y'all remember when we made the new National League, right? Well here's the accompanying AL realignment draft! Enjoy.

Pick 1, CKC Division: Los Angeles Dodgers. I put the Royals in the NL last draft so somebody has to move. Also: Alyssa Milano + Snoop Dogg + In N’ Out Burger + this lady + Arsenio Hall + Nancy O’Dell + Posh Spice + Christian Slater + Pat Sajak and Vanna White + Burrito trucks + Lasorda + CK running the show = California knows how to party.

DG: AHHHHHHH EARTHQUAKE [CK’s first round pick falls into the Pacific Ocean]

ZWR: That’s an aweome pick in 1987! *High Five*

Pick 1, DG Division: Florida Marlins. If we’re all picking financially strapped teams in Round 1, I’m going with the fish. Everyone forgets they’re in Miami. Mi-am-i. If anyone needs me, I’ll be bouncing in the club where the heat is on and so on and so forth. BONUS: I can pretend to be Don Johnson and wear SO MANY pastels!

CK: Sounds a lot like Scarface except instead of guns, drugs and women it will be you, Twitter for iPhone app and Logan Morrison.

ZWR: Hey, did you know that Logan Morrison likes to use Twitter?!

Pick 1, ZWR Division: The 1993 Philadelphia Phillies. That’s right- Macho Row!!! We all love these donkeys, most of them are batsh*t crazy and/or attention whores (yay entertainment value), and Lord knows team spark plug Lenny Dykstra needs all the help he can get right now.

DG: Featuring a young backup outfielder by the name of Ruben Amaro, Jr. I would pay just about anything to have been a fly on the wall when Lenny Dykstra tried to pitch Ruben on some harebrained investment plan.

LENNY: I’m tellin’ ya, Ruby... Laserdiscs. They can’t miss. Me & Dutch are putting everything in on this. You in or what?
RUBEN: Go away. [uses Blackberry to buy stock in Google despite neither technically being invented yet]

CK: There was a ticket-taker named Larry who would let you into The Vet for ten bucks regardless of event or attendance. Bring him back too.

Pick 2, CKC Division: With the first pick second pick, in the 2011 AL Realignment Draft, the Crane Kick Chronicles select:
Crying Library Guy. Carpenter out of Decatur Street, Philadelphia.

ZWR: Wait what

DG: “Hold on. It’s like stupid? I had no idea! THE LIBRARY STAYS OPEN!” - Philadelphia City Council

Pick 2, DG Division: En Vogue, circa 1992. Hot damn.

CK: +1 (even though Google+ is dumb).

ZWR: Neva eva gonna get it (you bet).
DG: Ooooooooooooooooooooo-POP.

Pick 2, ZWR Division: Candy Apples. The hard red kind, not the ones with caramel and smashed up peanuts.

CK: This pick will be cool until you are 80 and have false teeth and then basically are stuck with a giant Jolly Rancher on a stick to put in your pitcher of old man Zima.


DG's Uproxx contract stipulates that we use this picture

Pick 3, CKC Division: Lobster. Game’s called. Mercy rule. You can go home now.

DG: Whoever named lobsters was definitely in marketing, because otherwise they’d have been called HOLY SH*T GIANT OCEAN BUGS, and that isn’t nearly as appetizing.

ZWR: Sort of related: My best friend’s dad used to call crab guts “mustard”. He’d buy a whole bunch, throw newspaper down on the table, and we’d all get to nomming... thinking in our young, stupid heads that the crabs were magically, not at all grossly seasoned. Once I realized it was poop and stuff I was grossed out and would only eat the claws. Lobsters have even more mustard, yo.

Hey, remember this?

Pick 3, DG Division: Moonbounce! One kid I knew had one at his 8th birthday party and I ate a bunch of cake and then bounced in it until I threw up. It was awesome.

ZWR: Watch me! Watch me! I’m gonna do a flip! ** jumps awkwardly, sideways, never actually flipping**

CK: Holy crap look at this moonbounce. It looks like a level on Excitebike.

Pick 3, ZWR Division: The Minnesota Twins. Kirby Puckett used to be my favorite non-Phillie. You know, before he started beating his wife and all. That 1991 World Series was awesome, and it’s kind of hip that they play outdoors now.

DG: And that Joe Mauer is soooooooo dreamy. [swoons out of Twins stadium, lands on roof on Metrodome] [Metrodome roof collapses]

CK: I have a Kirby Puckett Starting Lineup figure. Out of the box. Suck on that, collector dorks.
ZWR: Me, too! I also have Jerome Bettis from when he was on the Rams. 

****Do you remember when the Eagles QB coach died and they put a black strip through the helmet wing? Well I drew that onto my Starting Lineup helmets with a black sharpie. Crooked as all heck too. QB coach. the only guy who could ever teach Randall to read a defense says my racist uncle. F*ck you Fog Bowl and death.

Pick 4, CKC Division: Sofia Vergara. I heard she is a good cook.

ZWR: That’s sexist. I expected more from you two.
CK: Says the guy who drafted boobs. Smdh.
DG: Smdh, indeed.
DG: Don’t you S your DH at us, penguin. You started this.
ZWR: S - M - D - H

Pick 4, DG Division: Cleveland Indians. In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar. (Basically I pick Bob Uecker.)

CK: “Oh hey Danger it’s
Charlie Sheen listen I’m thinking about making a comeback call me...” - have fun with those at 4am every night.
ZWR: I need to see when my car insurance payment’s due

Pick 4, ZWR Division: What an awesome site! And now I own it. #noblogstealsbacksies (That’s what you call a hostile takeover, yo).

DG: TMac As Sad Cranekicker

CK: LOL joke’s on you that site is $48 in the red.

Pick 5, CKC Division: As much as I want to draft Jamaica here, I reviewed the ZooKickerGuerrero Consulting, LLC bylaws and it appears two actual teams are required per division, in accordance with the ratified collective bargaining non-compete agreement of decertification with disbanding unions effective circa 1980. With that said – I had a whole spiel here about the Baltimore Orioles but then I changed my mind because I want to go to Derek Jeter’s wedding. My pick is the New York Yankees.

DG: I bet Derek Jeter has accidentally slept with Leighton Meester instead of Minka Kelly at least six or seven times. I don’t even think Minka could be mad about it.

ZWR: Man that was a lot of legal speak. Hey- did you know that Danger is studying for the bar?! And that it’s hard?! He’s a lawyerface! Skinny ties! $150K a year! BMWs! Complaining about his hours from his boat! Socks!
DG: I hate you.
ZWR: Too bad, because I love you.
CK: I bet DG joins an Ultimate Frisbee Lawyer League in Central Park and tweets all of his stats.
ZWR: His team is the one with all the douchey-looking guys in madras shorts and law school tees and green Ray-Bans. They’re playing red Ray-Bans this week.
DG: My team’s name is “The Supremacy Claws.”
CK: I bet you ask all the ladies if they want to check out your “discovery package.”
ZWR: Squid Pro Quo

Pick 5, DG Division: I like how our drafts start out with the premise of us supposedly realigning the baseball leagues, then quickly tailspin into us just hoarding things we like and claiming ownership over them. It’s not like there’s an organization called “The NL East” that actually owns the Phillies, Braves, Marlins, and Mets. The whole thing is flawed beyond repair. I select this bunny rabbit.

CK: Phew... I thought you were going to trick us with that scaryass bunny from Donny Darko.

ZWR: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww

Pick 5, ZWR Division: Question: If I draft gravity, can it use its forces unethically and as it chooses? Like if it’s playing the Marlins and Mike Stanton hits a piss missile could it turn itself up and knock the ball down for an out? Or if Uncle Milt Thompson gloriously leaps to rob a home run can he then just float off into heaven to be praised and worshiped forever? Because if so then I choose gravity.

DG: That sh*tty John Mayer song? Weak pick, bro.
CK: Should have said Gravitron.
ZWR: Wait, you listen to John Mayer?


Danger Division
Florida Marlins
En Vogue
Cleveland Indians
Bunny Rabbit

Crane Kicker Division
Los Angeles Dodgers
Crying Library Guy
Sofia Vergara
New York Yankees

ZWR Division
1993 Phillies
Candy Apples
Minnesota Twins
Craney's Blog

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