Wednesday, August 31, 2011

ZWR In The Wild - Jersey Shore Edition

Ohai. Last week when I was on vacation and Craney was running things I forwarded him an email and he drafted a post but forgot to actually publish it (the publish button is very small on bolgger) so here you go. Alex- who rules- made this ridiculously amazing Citizens Bank Park sand castle (think on that) while on vacation in LBI. Reports indicate that it survived Hurrican Irene. YAY!

Click for hugeness

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (8.30.11 v. Reds)

To which emotions did Roy Halladay contribute with his performance last night?
A continued sense of awe. A continued sense of awe? A continued sense of awe. Yes
A continued sense of awe?
As if it could cease?
I see your point. May I continue?
Please do.

The others?
An appreciation of effort exceeding the humble affections. How often do we find cases of a common acceptance that the tangible has exceeded sentiment (I extend here beyond my own), when the former can so easily be limited- marked- by the height of its stacks (see: McDuck v. Christmas Spirit)? Envy. Hope for the coming months. So much has been invested to this point, affirmation of the soundness therein is appreciated. But let's not think in terms of transaction... that's no fun.

The bases-clearing double?
Child's play.

The pitching performance?
It was due. Evident early. You keep a dragon in the bathtub long enough she'll wet the staircase and scrape a few walls upon release.

To what enterprises are each of the following most adept: men, women, children, Roy Halladays, wes?
Disappointing upon disappointment, be shopping, operating at a physical state inverse to that of their parents (often leading to nonsense), breaking faces, wonned.

The line?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!
7 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 9 Ks (disappointing (v), upon nothing), W (onned)

A hello to Diane- I hope you're enjoying San Francisco. You should absolutely bail on your conference's afternoon session and go to the baseball game. Boo Cody Ross for us, but be civil. And remember: coves are darling, but alleys are better.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

More Kids I Want To Adopt

I twinkered this earlier because, frankly, these two little girls are ridiculously awesome. Little did we know there's a bit of a Phillies connection at play (h/t sources).

Monday, August 29, 2011

What if Michael Vick were blue?

By ZooWithRoy

Photo illustration by ZooWithRoy for
WHEN MICHAEL VICK PLAYS, I see bioluminescent forestball. I don't just mean that sort of football where you have to count to four-Pandoras before you can rush the quarterback, nearly everything breaks down and it's all great fun in an exotic and lush landscape while using heightened natural instincts. I also mean forest basketball with a bright blue CGI creature who has giant elf-like ears and braids that he can plug into wild creatures in order to tame and ride them. Vick's style reminds me of Allen Iverson--if he were also a ridiculously tall, bioluminescently blue elf with braids, striped skin, and rustic weaponry-- the speed, the court sense, the sharp cuts, the dekes, the swag

In those breathtaking moments when the Eagles QB abandons the pocket and takes off, it feels as if he's thumbing his nose at the whole regimented, militaristic ethos of those trying to mine his home planet Pandora for a stupidly named fictional element called unobtanium

All of that is why, to me, Vick seems to have a deeply Na'vi-American approach to the game. I'm not saying that a blue QB who stands in the pocket ain't playing blue. I'm saying Vick's style is so badass, so artistic, so at harmony with nature -- so representative of Na'vi athletic style -- that if there were a stat for science fiction street cred, Vick would be the No. 1 quarterback in the league by far.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


 Dude I rule.

 Getting closer!

Almost there...

Friday, August 26, 2011


Thanks to crazy Dave G. for the .gif

And in case you missed it earlier:


All ZWR shirts now 15% off effective IMMEDIATELY with the code 'BUYSHIRT' at checkout. Go get a bunch now before your power goes out!!!!


Free Image Hosting
I doing Tork danz.

Remember this morning when I posted the Turk Dance video and GIF, and put out a call for Chooch's face on Turk's body? Well reader Erin came through IN THE GD CLUTCH LIKE CHOOCH HIMSELF.

Erin doesn't have a blog or Twitter account to plug, so instead everyone should thank him profusely in the comments and offer to buy him a beer if you know him. Or maybe just buy a beer for someone else named Erin. Or me.

What's important here is this: Erin and this GIF are both the best. THE BEST.


Hurricane comin', yo. Everybody get down.

SPECIAL NOTE: If someone sends me a high-ish quality version of the following GIF with Chooch's face in place of Turk's, I will give you a shoutout on this very bolg with a link to your Twitter or blog or Tumblr or whatever you want. Send it to dangerguerrero [at] gmail.

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Zoo With Bolaris: A Dateline Special Investigative Report

Good evening, I'm Dateline Senior Investigative Reporter Danger Guerrero. Vacations are supposed to be fun. A time for you and your family to relax, and get away from all the cares and concerns of your everyday life. You sleep in too late, eat and drink too much, and all in all just let your guard down.

Unfortunately, some criminal lowlifes know this, and use your weakened, trusting state to their own advantage. Scam artists, grifters and con men all flood to popular vacation destinations to run their flim flam operations on tourists.

Tonight we bring you a special Dateline dramatic recreation of the story of one tourist who fell victim to such a ruse, local Philadelphia Weather Personality John Bolaris. What started as a night of fun and umbrella drinks resulted in fraud, with serious financial implications.

[Scene: A popular Miami nightclub, where John Bolaris is drinking a mai tai and excitedly explaining how thunderstorms work to a disinterested bartender]

John Bolaris: ... and then it's like CRRRAASHHHH and the lightning's like BZZZZZIIINNGG and then it's like CCRAAAASSSHH BBOOOMMM KKKRRRGGGHHSSSHH.

Bartender: Yeah, ok. Whatever buddy.

John Bolaris: And then the wind is like WHOOSH and the rain is like FLLOOSSSHH and then BANG CRASH BOOM [falls off barstool]

[handing John Bolaris another drink] Listen buddy, I got a lot of work to do. This one's on the house. Just relax a little, ok?

John Bolaris:
Ok bro I'll relax, don't worry. Totally relaxed, that's me. WAY relaxed.

[The bartender rolls his eyes and walks away. John Bolaris begins drawing lightning bolts on a cocktail napkin with a crayon he bought to the bar. A mysterious man approaches him.]

Zoo With Roy: Are you weather presenter?

John Bolaris:
[still drawing] Can't talk now, busy with storms.

Zoo With Roy: I said, 'Are you weather presenter?'

John Bolaris: What? Oh, yes. I'm John Bolaris from Philadelphia.

John Bolaris: What?

Zoo With Roy: Buy shirt. Buy all shirt.

John Bolaris:
No thanks, I have lots of shirts. Red shirts, white shirts, blue shirts, black shirts, gray shirts, yellow shirts, orange shirts, green shirts, purple shirts, shirts with lightning bolts on them, blue shirts with lightning bolts on them, yellow shirts with lightning bolts on th-...

Zoo With Roy: [hands John Bolaris a glass of ZWR So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat and drops a shot into it] No. Drink drink. Buy shirt.

John Bolaris: Wow. You really know how to party. All right, LET'S DO THIS!

[John Bolaris chugs entire beer]

Shaky, blurry montage of John Bolaris drunkenly laughing and dancing with ladies while Zoo With Roy continues feeding him drinks. Fade to black.

[Scene: John Bolaris' hotel room the next morning.]

John Bolaris was conned into buying $15,000 worth of gimmick Philadelphia baseball attire that night. The man in question, who Bolaris said identified himself only as "ZWR," or occasionally "Rick," has not been brought to justice. Miami police have received numerous other complaints about him. Some tourists have said he repeatedly badgered them about buying shirts, and when they declined he tried offering them "free shipping" or a percentage off the purchase price if they used a special code ("NOTSCAM"). Others claimed he kept forcing them to look at pictures of people wearing the shirts while stating, "See? They have fun. You buy shirt."

If you or anyone you know has been approached by Zoo With Roy, please contact the Miami-Dade police or Dateline immediately. Don't let what happened to John Bolaris happen to you.

For Dateline, I'm Danger Guerrero. Good night.


Okay I snuck onto a computer for this because it's too fargling amazing ... ROY HALLADAY PLAYING FRISBEE ON THE FIELD NO SHORTER THAN SECONDS AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE HIT! I know it was two days ago but a billion thanks to Amanda Rykoff and Casey for sending me these great pictures and to the others who twinked as much from baseball class.

Swoon. Feel free to Photoshop that first picture if you want and I'll post here.
Okay, not back to CKC and Danger* and Spike destroying my empire.

* Provided he actually does something

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Monday, August 22. 11:07PM - DM received via Twitter.

Tuesday, August 23. 8:41AM - Photo tip received via email from Leila in San Antonio.

Tuesday, August 23. 11:14AM - KSAT News Channel 12 in San Antonio airs the following photo of a recently escaped zoo penguin loitering in the parking lot of Paul Revere's Pizza.

Tuesday, August 23. 1:18PM - Picture message received with the subject "I paid this guy 5 bucks to do this."

Monday, August 22, 2011

Philadelph​ia Athletes as members of ABC's Bachelor Pad

I say that I watch Bachelor Pad because my girlfriend makes me, which is partially true. But it's entirely true that I enjoy watching because I'm in love with Ames. Currently, the only two things I watch are Philly sports and Bachelor Pad. Because of this, they are the only two things I think about. That and hot sauce. I love hot sauce.

Anyway, I figured it's only natural to figure what Bachelor Pad contestants different Philly athletes would be. It would also be a natural time to think about Ames.

Brent Celek is Vienna

Nose like Rick Tocchet? Check. Kind of cross eyed? Check. Thinks they're WAY better looking than they are? Check. Owns cheesy sports bar in Old City? Well, that's just Brent.

Shane Victorino Is Justin

When I think about Shane, I think "who would have the same love of Affliction t-shirts?" The only logical answer is Rated-R.

Ames Is Hunter Pence

Crazy eyes, check. Not much to say really, check. Still dreamy, check.

David Herndon Is Alli

You don't even remember either of them exist or where they came from until they appear on the screen.

Evan Turner Is Kasey

Evan Turner seems like a good guy, and Kasey is not a good guy. The fact that you wouldn't be able to tell them apart on the phone is the undeniable truth.

Gia Is Cole Hamels

The hot one that doesn't do anything wrong, but everyone still hates.

Roy Halladay Is Michelle

The one that everyone is not so secretly super-scared to piss off.

Ruben Amaro is Chris

The puppet master. Chris' manipulation of Ashley in the latest Bachelorette can only be compared to Amaro's of Ed Wade

Joe Blanton Is Erica

Same bra size.


h/t @_magowan for the shop treatment.

Introducing FFFFFFGraphs

Sunday, August 21, 2011

ZWR In The Wild (Sweet Babette Edition)

New Rule: If you make me a stromboli you get a post. Or at least your very own In The Wild*, as the darling Babette (who brought said NOMS to the Fightins Tailgate for me) is being treated to here now.


Tailgating with Meghan and Esther:

Accosting some fine gentleman ("Can I take your picture?" "WORLY?" "YA WORLY" "Okay!"):

Everyone clap for Babette and buy her stuff. Peace out.

* provided you take and submit photos

Saturday, August 20, 2011

ZWR In The Wild

Hey kids, it's Saturday. I set this to post on Thursday. CRAZY. Let's look at some pictures!!!

Aiden and the sweetie pie who bought him that fashion-forward ringer tee (dude don't screw this one up):

OGallo? Ya Gallo!

Sarah and her "lumberjack hipster boyfriend" in the shirts she suggested:

New staff photographer @pompomflipflop sad from all of last week's rain:

From Ray; the folks at McFadden's pre-game know how to get the party going. I believe his name is Tim Williams for some reason:

Tatiana showing us all how to tailgate:

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