Tuesday, August 9, 2011

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (8.9.11 v. Dodgers)

So, yeah, the Phillies won last night and Roy Halladay picked up his 15th victory of the season. Only thing is I totally fell asleep kind of midway through or something so instead of writing some hacky game recap I'll just tell you about the dream I had while--I presume--the game was going on.

*Wayne's World dream sequence effect*

I'm managing a project to build what I'm marketing as the world's only open-air, upside down water slide at Morey's Pier. Things are going well: I have a tremendous relationship with the local union leaders, we've worked out a deal with Hot Spots 1, 2, and 4 for Free French Fries Fridays on the job site, my "I've Got an Italian Attitude" shirt draws laughs whenever I wear it to our PMGC meetings. Life can't be better.

Then Anderson gets stupid. The chief design engineer and a major pain, he's your typical engineer, always tinkering. One morning he comes into my trailer and I can just tell he's going to annoy me.

"We need to put turbo boosters at the base of the loop, Rick."

"What?!" (scrapple goes flying everywhere)

"Water jets. To make sure people make it all the way around."

"Are you kidding me? That's why we gave this thing the most boss first drop ever! The science backs me, here!"

"I can't put anyone's life at risk, Rick!!!"

My phone rings. Oh great, it's the permits guy.

"Talk to me Pat?"

"Rick, we need to talk."

"Didn't I already kind of acknowledge that?"



"Wait what."

"What is it, Pat?"

"We had the review board comb over the appeal, and we're gonna need you to put a roof on that loop."

"Pat... Pat... Don't do this to me today, Pat. We've been over this a thousand times!"

"Nothin' I can do about it, bud. The township and commission both said the same thing. They can't deal with the press of someone dropping outta this slide. We're a tourist town!"

"But who's this for? I got the science on my side! Who's falling off this thing?"

"The big booties."

"I never... Anderson, your models and designs all accounted for big booties, right?"


"Dude, Anderson hates my face and even he said this thing can loop a big booty. This is the donkey that wants aqua jets at the base of a sick first drop, and even he don't want no roof (when I get mad, I go South Philly)."

There's a pause.

"I... I... there's nothing I can do, Rick."

"You're going on speaker. Listen up, Anderson. I'm sick of all this red tape. All I want to do is build the best water slide ever, for the beach town that I love. I'm gonna tell you something here. I didn't design this thing in some ivory tower. I didn't come up with the idea at a board meeting or in engineering school. No, I conceived it from my mom-mom's front porch, right there (points West), two blocks off this boardwalk and down the street from the bike rental cottage. You're not taking that little boy's dream away from him. No way, no how. Now what was that about the big booties?"

"I may be able to chase a variance, Rick."

"And the turbo boosters?"

"It is a pretty dope drop. Gimme five to ten more vert and I can live without jets."

I smile in Anderson's direction.

"Now that's what I like to hear, boys."

"You know what you sonofabitch, that shirt's right- you really do have an Italian attitude!"


But yeah like I said Roy won and we're awesome.



  1. you on shrooms yo?

  2. "Gimme five to ten more vert" ... Anderson's such a prick

  3. I can't understand why extra water jets would be a bad thing. It seems to me they would just add to the thrills and spills. But you can't see beyond your god damn ego. It's going to spell doom for this water park.

  4. That's your problem, Goodtimes- you're always chasing the next high. Did you ever stop to think that the jets would provide a little too much speed? I've got the science backing me, here!

  5. Cut anderson a break yo! The review board is a bunch of amateurs and he has to deal with their shit every week. the stupid township commissioners keep appointing their friends and retired relatives to keep the whole system inbred for themselves. Anderson's just doing what he can to get by. Besides, you know he'll be the first one at the park in his hot pink man-thong. He'll be followed by Cholly and Glen "Hurrican" Schwartz.

  6. Science or no science, this big booty is making sure multiple bigger booties make it around the loop before he gets on. Said!

  7. "Loop a big bootie" is now slang for...everything.

  8. [Jeff Goldblum runs into room with sciency looking printouts]

    Jeff Goldblum: ZWR! You've gotta shut down the waterslide!

    ZWR: Whatwhyno.

    Jeff Goldblum: You don't understand! The big booties coming down the slide at this rate of speed are triggering a countdown!

    ZWR: A countdown... wait, a countdown to what Jeff Goldblum?

    Jeff Goldblum: It's like in chess: First, you strategically position your pieces and when the timing is right you strike. They're using their booties to syncronize their efforts and in 5 hours the countdown will be over.

    ZWR: And then what?

    Jeff Goldblum: Checkmate.

  9. Al the Steak King is never going to make the super drop. Right into the sand.

  10. Now that's what I call a close encounter!

  11. DG, I could totally see that scene taking place on, or about, 7/3/2012...


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