Thursday, August 25, 2011

Zoo With Bolaris: A Dateline Special Investigative Report

Good evening, I'm Dateline Senior Investigative Reporter Danger Guerrero. Vacations are supposed to be fun. A time for you and your family to relax, and get away from all the cares and concerns of your everyday life. You sleep in too late, eat and drink too much, and all in all just let your guard down.

Unfortunately, some criminal lowlifes know this, and use your weakened, trusting state to their own advantage. Scam artists, grifters and con men all flood to popular vacation destinations to run their flim flam operations on tourists.

Tonight we bring you a special Dateline dramatic recreation of the story of one tourist who fell victim to such a ruse, local Philadelphia Weather Personality John Bolaris. What started as a night of fun and umbrella drinks resulted in fraud, with serious financial implications.

[Scene: A popular Miami nightclub, where John Bolaris is drinking a mai tai and excitedly explaining how thunderstorms work to a disinterested bartender]

John Bolaris: ... and then it's like CRRRAASHHHH and the lightning's like BZZZZZIIINNGG and then it's like CCRAAAASSSHH BBOOOMMM KKKRRRGGGHHSSSHH.

Bartender: Yeah, ok. Whatever buddy.

John Bolaris: And then the wind is like WHOOSH and the rain is like FLLOOSSSHH and then BANG CRASH BOOM [falls off barstool]

[handing John Bolaris another drink] Listen buddy, I got a lot of work to do. This one's on the house. Just relax a little, ok?

John Bolaris:
Ok bro I'll relax, don't worry. Totally relaxed, that's me. WAY relaxed.

[The bartender rolls his eyes and walks away. John Bolaris begins drawing lightning bolts on a cocktail napkin with a crayon he bought to the bar. A mysterious man approaches him.]

Zoo With Roy: Are you weather presenter?

John Bolaris:
[still drawing] Can't talk now, busy with storms.

Zoo With Roy: I said, 'Are you weather presenter?'

John Bolaris: What? Oh, yes. I'm John Bolaris from Philadelphia.

John Bolaris: What?

Zoo With Roy: Buy shirt. Buy all shirt.

John Bolaris:
No thanks, I have lots of shirts. Red shirts, white shirts, blue shirts, black shirts, gray shirts, yellow shirts, orange shirts, green shirts, purple shirts, shirts with lightning bolts on them, blue shirts with lightning bolts on them, yellow shirts with lightning bolts on th-...

Zoo With Roy: [hands John Bolaris a glass of ZWR So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat and drops a shot into it] No. Drink drink. Buy shirt.

John Bolaris: Wow. You really know how to party. All right, LET'S DO THIS!

[John Bolaris chugs entire beer]

Shaky, blurry montage of John Bolaris drunkenly laughing and dancing with ladies while Zoo With Roy continues feeding him drinks. Fade to black.

[Scene: John Bolaris' hotel room the next morning.]

John Bolaris was conned into buying $15,000 worth of gimmick Philadelphia baseball attire that night. The man in question, who Bolaris said identified himself only as "ZWR," or occasionally "Rick," has not been brought to justice. Miami police have received numerous other complaints about him. Some tourists have said he repeatedly badgered them about buying shirts, and when they declined he tried offering them "free shipping" or a percentage off the purchase price if they used a special code ("NOTSCAM"). Others claimed he kept forcing them to look at pictures of people wearing the shirts while stating, "See? They have fun. You buy shirt."

If you or anyone you know has been approached by Zoo With Roy, please contact the Miami-Dade police or Dateline immediately. Don't let what happened to John Bolaris happen to you.

For Dateline, I'm Danger Guerrero. Good night.


  1. holy Amex bills, that was a riot!

  2. I hear he had originally stated it was the "buy of the century" until no one believe him.

  3. DG, this is why we can't have nice things.

    I'm not complaining though =D.

  4. Danger, will you be covering this story as well?

    You and ZWR need to see this:


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