Thursday, September 29, 2011

Sad Braves Kid Gets a Much Needed Visit

Interior, posh four bedroom Buckhead McMansion

SAD BRAVES KID: *sniff sniff* We were so close... *sniff* and it was all ripped from us. How will I ever *sniff* give my heart to anything again?

*tears stream down face*

SAD BRAVES KID kicks his Thrashers beanbag chair, then flops down on his back atop a queen size bed. The Pottery Barn ceiling fan dries his tears... or at least those that have already fallen.

/bedroom door flies open, foam tomahawk flies off the back of the door

Volume Up, Face to Screen 2011

You know how we do this, kids. That's right, it's a pre-postseason pump-up video pump-up video.

WARNING: You'll likely go on a punching / smooching / drinking / stromboliing bender after viewing... just don't hurt yourselves and be ready come Saturday.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

#ZWRBEER Opening Night Recap

Considering circumstance dictated we do this on a school night, the turnout for last night's keg tapping was incredibly impressive. These aren't all of the pics and tweets I received, but they're the ones I saved! Big thanks to Vince the Brewer, as always, for... everything. And to Petz Razor for filling in for yours truly. I was busy at work, but more on that in a bit.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Happy Birthday, Doctoberfest Pumpkin! A #ZWRBEER FAQ

As you likely know now that the news hit the City Paper, Vince's latest bolg-inspired creation hits the taps tonight at Iron Hill North Wales!

There have been countless fan and press inquiries, so I'm going to just post an FAQ for all you donkeys here.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Eagles Week 3 Report card, by CraneKicker, Danger Guerrero and Five Pete

ZWR: It’s kind of tough to judge Michael Vick’s performance considering his numbers were compromised by suspect play calling and having his face broken.


DG: CON: Mike Vick got knocked out of another game. PRO: He didn’t point at the scoreboard on his way to the locker room. A marked improvement! B

ZWR: He couldn’t point to the scoreboard- his fargling hand was broken.


CK: The transformation of Mike Vick continues to amaze. He has now morphed into a tackling dummy. HEY SPEAKING OF METAMORPHOSIS HOW ABOUT THAT MIKE KAFKA?! Seriously, why is Vince Young even here dribbling on about “Dream Teams” while Reid is trotting out Bald Kolb to have a QB rating of 0? I don’t even know how to grade this. N?

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (9.26.11 v. M_ts)

Raise your hand if you love Roy Halladay!

Raise your other hand if you love beating the M_ts! Okay you should probably now just wave them as if you don't care, because the 2011 regular season has been one great big party.

"No but ZWR tell me what happened *yesterday* I was busy watching Casey Matthews and Kurt Coleman get their GANG GREEN on!!!!!!!"

Yeah no problem I was kind of already about to do that; it was simply an introduction.

"Oh cool I just found it a little confusing and all because you mentioned the season as a whole and this is SRHPY yaknow?!?!?!!!!!!"

I mean, you can do this if you'd like. I'll give you an admin login.

"Stop being so sensitive and and just gimme the line, donkey!!!!!!!!!!"

Okay fine:

6 IP, 4 H, 0 ER, 3 K (2 Cuttered, 1 So Cuttered), 1 BB, win number 19 on the season.

"Sweet! The M_ts stink. Also, there's your opening to speak to his comprehensive performance."

Wait what.

"I know! What's going on? You're talking to yourself under the guise of a Q&A session with an unseen narrator."

Dude, stop.

"Instead of in that first paragraph, you could have jumped off of that '19th win on the season' angle to talk about 2011 as a whole."

Oh. I guess you're right. To that...

"Finally, jeez..."

Knock it off!

With his regular season workload completed, Roy's formal proposal to the Cy Young voters has been submitted. In my unbiased opinion, I think the 2010 Man of the Year pulls this one out in a squeaker. Not just because he's the most face-breaking, but also for what he (and the Phillies organization) represents.

On the one hand, MLB has a bellwether--the epitome of continued success.

On the other, the "opportunity" to reward a franchise whose derelict value system embodies the unfortunately modern American disregard for both financial and moral responsibility. I'm not saying that should necessarily be a deterrent for voters to consider Clayton Kershaw, but I will say that supporting that donkey for NL Cy Young is kind of like voting for white collar crime. And/or gang-related violence.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Phillies Eliminated From Playoff Contention

Phightins fans worst fears came to fruition last night, when a sixth straight loss eliminated the defending and current National League East Champions from playoff contention. 

"Washington has a great squad, what can I say?" commented first baseman Ross Gload. "We left it all on the field." Gload, a warrior, took a cortisone shot prior to the game in an effort to curb his acute lack of talent.

Though he did not play, Ryan Howard couldn't help but 
dejectedly walk the base paths in his uniform.

Despite a line-up that featured star prospect John Bowker and Pete Orr anchoring clean-up slugger Raul Ibanez, the Phillies couldn't solve Nationals pitcher Brad Peacock. 

Peacock, making only his second career start, nimbly handled the broom that swept away the remnants of this forgettable series and, some would argue mercifully, cleaned away any thoughts of playoff glory. For this year, any way. 

"Oh we'll be back and better than ever in 2012", declared season opener hero Ben Francisco, who went 0-2 in the loss and saw his average fall to .246. 

"Put that in your papers- I guarantee it. Like Mark Messier. And the Braves will be Martin Brodeur. And I think John Mayberry will be Stephane Matteau."



Okay, no, but for serious this really is in the Washington Times today:
The Nationals made the Phillies look silly for most of the last four games. They were the ones getting the timely hits; they were the ones with the starting pitchers who seemed untouchable. The Nationals were the ones dropping three-run homers, like Morse’s on Thursday, into the bullpen as the final straw on Oswalt’s night.
Curly W's all-around!

Have fun in October, Natinals. Enjoy your vacation.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Personal Encounter with Bullhorn Kid (A Special ZWR Report)

As you probably know, one of my favorite people in the whole entire world is Bullhorn Kid. I spotted him during a broadcast earlier this Spring and I instantly knew that this was going to be a special year for the Phils. Because not only is Bullhorn Kid the most balls-out diehard fan you'll ever see (or experience, as you'll soon read) in your entire life, but he's also now a world-renowed motivational speaker and debate champion.

So you can imagine the joy I experienced in receiving the following email:
Hey Donkey,

I bought tickets on stubhub ZWR Tickets a couple hours before the game, because they were dirt cheap. For a while I couldn't find anyone to go to the game with me, so I was going to give away the tickets, good thing I didn't. I arrived in the top of the 2nd inning, greeted with a warning from the person in the seat next to me: "Just a heads up, this kid behind us is really annoying and won't shut up." [Editor's note: In retrospect, you should have punched that guy in the neck--Bullhorn Kid RULES.]  

I gotta see who this kid is. I turn around, and lo and behold, armed with his little white bullhorn, it's him. "Hey guy, this isn't just some annoying kid. This kid has more intensity in his little body and you will ever have." [Editor's note: YES!!]

Bottom of the 2nd inning, Kyle Kendrick at bat: 
3 ball count: "WALK HIMMMM! GET A WALLLLLLLLLK!!!!" 

Kendrick walks and while on first base, Bullhorn Kid wants Kendrick to get to second more than anyone in the stadium.
Fans keep turning around to get a glimpse of this kid, but no dirty look is going to stop Bullhorn Kid from rooting on his favorite baseball team. [Editor's note: Seriously? How could anyone not look favorably upon such spirit?!]  

But that wasn't the best of our little friend. With Emilio BonerFaceio up to bat in the 3rd inning:

The kid is intense. He doesn't take a batter off, that bullhorn is always in his face. I wish I could have taken a picture, but he was gone by the 5th inning (Bullhorn Kid hates rain).

But those were 3-4 innings of baseball I will never forget.

- @shmeelz

Oh. My. God. Yes + Please. Bullhorn Kid, you're a legend.

Billy Ocean, wasn't that incredible?


Vulgar Franchise Bolg Exclusive - Let's All Laugh At The Marlins (Potentially) Dumb New Logo

ZWR offshoot Strip Club With Stanton (which I totally dig but can't officially endorse because, well, it's raunchy and we're a family bolg (no for real don't click on that if you're going to get offended)) scoops (via some guy named Ted) what may or may not be the Marlins new logo (or something a random donkey made and posted to Photobucket).

Hey, tell you what: even if this doesn't turn out to be what those idiots go with we can still laugh at them.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (9.19.11 v Cardinals)

Dude for serious the WAH has been sleeping like crap lately so I passed out on the couch and when I woke up the NAG was watching a bunch of college glee clubs singing to the skinny guy from Boyz II Men.

Here's a funny "Continued Success" photojob featuring a disproportionately huge Sarge stump that peanut made for us:

Further reading:

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Hi everyone. CK here. The man you see above is Five Pete. Five Pete is a super Phillies fan who likes to do cool stuff like party and eat pizza and win championships. Five Pete is also the *OFFICIAL* 2011 Phillies Playoff Rally Fan as deemed by me, on this the 17th day of September, 2011 AD.

So come this October... whenever you're in a pinch... whenever you need a little pick me up... whenever you feel like you could use that extra boost... look to Five Pete. He'll be there. He'll always be there.

WE WONNED! (Part 1 of 3)

Yeah I got this

Stare at it. Love it.

5-peat SWAG

LET'S GO EAT CHAMPAGNE ("Let's pop bottles"):

Oh, I almost forgot:


Friday, September 16, 2011


Do you feel that glorious autumnal chill in the air? Did the rose-tinged cheeks of folks passing in the streets on their way to work or school this morning call to mind the huddled, bundled crowds at October baseball games? It's so nice, isn't it?

One more more question...

Remember that time Vince from Iron Hill decided that he wanted to make a beer for all us donkeys?

Of course you do- it was just about the coolest thing ever. The fusion of bolg and booze was ideal, almost natural, as evidenced by So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat's reception and relative quickness with which its supplies were exhausted.

"ZWR that was so hip you'll never top that *high five* thanks for the memories bro!"

Well hold on to your face, hammer, and corral your growler. Vince and Rick can't help themselves, so they're back at again. And this time it's only gonna get beerier.


For an extra 7 bucks, Jose Reyes will peform $14 worth of laser hair removal

Thursday, September 15, 2011

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (9.14.11 v. Astros)

Okay fine Roy's got this.

You're gonna play like butt? Sure. One run. Whatever.

Looking at Scarlett Johansson pictures back in the clubhouse? Have at 'em. Doesn't matter. Roy.

Roy Roy Roy Roy Roy Halladay. His effort yesterday- the vibe around the whole thing considering this series (to that note, don't sweat it) and the offensive output can be summed up in a picture sent in by reader Adam:

This is so scary yet comforting at the same time

Congrats to our hero on his 20th career shutout and eighth complete game of the year. Congrats, too, on clinching a playoff berth. 

Here's the line:

9 IP, 6 H, 1BB, 7 K (5 Cuttered, 2 So Cuttered), 86 strikes on 114 pitches. Here, let's look at that on a graph, because it sure is impressive:

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

SPMPC and Roy Halladay

Part-time ZWR staff photographer (I don't have to pay his benefits that way) Dick Allen Hall of Fame is in Houston shooting the Phils/Astros games, and was kind enough to send along this photo he took before last night's poop sandwich.

Rumor has it SPMPC was later spotted in a rental car loaded with Shiner headed toward Austin with Major Applewhite and Kevin Bass, but that could not be confirmed. This would be consistent with past behavior.

Boo at the Zoo (2011)

True story: Fall's my favorite ever. And I know it's still only mid-September and all but we took the WAAH! for a walk last night and it was so pleasant and I wore a long sleeve t-shirt the other day when I drank beer on the front step with my neighbor Ben and there's pumpkin spice at Starbucks so I'm drifting into Doctober dreams (hey speaking of Doctober... get ready for some face-breakage later this week just saying trust me).

To that point (I may have had one in there), BOO AT THE ZOO makes its triumphant return today!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Meet The Future Governor Of Ohio

Dear ZWR,

We are Phillies fans living in Bowling Green, Ohio. Your shirts are a great way to support the team while living in this desolate outpost. Everyone in the family loves their shirts.

My son loves his ZWR polo shirt so much he wore for his 6th grade class picture. Mom was not happy. (He) also wore his "WORLY?" shirt to Wrigley Field when the Phils trounced the loser Cubbies. Please find attached my son Jimmy's school picture with his ZWR shirt.

Regards from a transplanted Philadelphian,

Jim G

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Inspector Gadget Is At The Phillies Game!!!

I'm an idiot, I know it. But I'm dying over here right now and this is my bolg so there.

Thanks to @dhm for the screen grab

UPDATE: Post commended by Yahoo's ANSWER DAN!

FURTHER UPDATE: Keith Law approved! He went to Yale and makes his own torts while discussing tort reform, so this passes the high brow test. Color me excited. GO GO GADGET SNARK!

Let's Have A Toast For Cliff Lee

Right when magazines wrote RAJ off
Mystery team swooped crotch first hey cuz
The Yankees lookin' like "pssh we messed up"
Every night, damn right, we get pitched up

Saturday, September 3, 2011

ZWR in the Wild - Saturday Swag Edition


You sure as heck got that right, JayPa:

This one comes from Mike, who requested this ZWR tank top for his girl and then took her to a SOLD OUT Joe Robbie Stadium to watch Logan Morrison draw attention to himself on Twitter, or something.

Thanks, Mike, and continued success:

This is becoming a PHL 17 tradition every time Roy breaks faces:

This guy claims his So Cuttered shirt is 9-0 now at games he attends, or at least that's how I interpreted his message:

@SusiKenna sent in more ZWR street art:

Hey look, the NL leaders in bombs:


Friday, September 2, 2011

2011 ZWR Fantasy Football Primer 2011

As I grow older, I grow softer. My take on fantasy football has changed completely in the past year.

Yes, this time around Uncle Rick wants to hear all about it. What's that, you got Arian Foster with the third pick? Awesome! Please, tell me more about how you're not taking a quarterback in the first five rounds! Chris Johnson before he signed? No way. Color me impressed. The Titsburgh Feelers? That's hilarious!!! You've always been so creative. Nor can I believe that your buddy's brother-in-law took Jahvid Best that early... nor can I.

I disagree with your wife - getting a "Red Zone only LCD" was a prudent decision, especially if it helps you dominate your big money keeper. Please, update me via text. It doesn't matter how long it took or if you missed Caleb's Little League game, I still think that the huge draft board you made with the $79 in art supplies from Michael's crafts instead of just buying one online was TOTALLY worth the time and money invested. It certainly impressed the folks at the bar when you passed through and brought it upstairs.

That's quite the theory on handcuffs, why don't you elaborate?

I'm no expert like you, by any means, but even I took a shot at it this year...

Here, check out my absolutely FREE (a $179 value), exclusive cheat sheets.

Thursday, September 1, 2011



Being an good denizen of our nation's capital, I followed custom and rushed sheep-like to the tweeted location of my favorite ethnic food truck for lunch. Being a good boy raised in the Northeastern United States as a young child during the mid-80s with an extended family that owned now fewer than eleventeen Camaros, I was dutifully listening to Billy Joel while I walked. "Who needs a house out in Hackensack, is that all you get for your money?"

Hackensack. Huh. Then this happened:
What could it all mean? Read the SHOCKING CONCLUSION after the jump...

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