Monday, September 26, 2011

Eagles Week 3 Report card, by CraneKicker, Danger Guerrero and Five Pete


FIVE PETE
Quarterback
ZWR: It’s kind of tough to judge Michael Vick’s performance considering his numbers were compromised by suspect play calling and having his face broken.

Five Pete: ALOHA!!! BRIAN EVANS SETH JOYNER KEITH BUYERS!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! A+++++++

DG: CON: Mike Vick got knocked out of another game. PRO: He didn’t point at the scoreboard on his way to the locker room. A marked improvement! B

ZWR: He couldn’t point to the scoreboard- his fargling hand was broken.

EDIT: HAND’S NOT BROKED OMG YEAH BABY SUPER BOWL IS BACK ON!

CK: The transformation of Mike Vick continues to amaze. He has now morphed into a tackling dummy. HEY SPEAKING OF METAMORPHOSIS HOW ABOUT THAT MIKE KAFKA?! Seriously, why is Vince Young even here dribbling on about “Dream Teams” while Reid is trotting out Bald Kolb to have a QB rating of 0? I don’t even know how to grade this. N?




Running Back
ZWR: Owen Schmitt logged a dominating performance with one brilliant and totally unnecessary hurdle maneuver, which has become his trademark. McCoy was held relatively in check all game and proved slightly more ineffective than usual, which explains his absence on the 11-straight goal line run plays that yielded zero yards. B+


5-Pete: BEER ME, WOMAN. A+++++++

DG: I don’t like that Lesean McCoy’s nickname is “Shady.” Makes him sounds like a hoodlum. Maybe he should try something more positive like “Fire Truck” or “Western Omelette.” B+

CK: I like these guys in between the fives. From the five in, however, I am demanding the run n’ shoot until further notice. B

Wide Receiver/Tight End
ZWR: I knew things were off when Jason Avant made a red zone catch and only gave us one Jesus Jazz Hand. They just weren’t all there yesterday for some reason. Oh and I thought Steve Smith was good? B

DG: I like the part where the team signs a Pro Bowler to be their 4th wideout but chooses linebackers based on who shared a bunkbed with someone who’s good at the position. B

Five Pete: Stickum up! A+++++++

CK: Steve Smith is still making big plays for the Giants. LOL Get it? Love that one. B-

Offensive Line
ZWR: I hate this whole stupid fiasco. “But five agile, nimble, athletic guys with plus footwork worked in Indianapolis, ZWR!” You’re right, that was it. Had nothing to do with PEYTON MANNING. I don’t care about any dumb stats or whatever just shut up they stunk. C-

Five Pete: FIVE GUYS? I LOVE THEIR BURGERS HAHA EXTRA CHEESE AND DOUBLE MEAT FREE TOPPING, CAN’T BEAT IT FOR ELEVEN BUCKS. A+++++++

DG: Sometimes I call Todd Herremans “Todd Hairy Mans” and I laugh and laugh. That is easily the best thing about this offensive line, ranking above things like “blocking” and “not-penalty-getting.” C-

CK: I saw a dude this weekend wearing some sort of tee shirt jersey with the #13 and the name “Fart Noise”. He gets an A. The line gets a D. And a loud fart noise. (Sidenote: OMG DID YOU KNOW ANTONE DAVIS IS ON THE BIGGEST LOSER THIS SEASON?!@)

Defensive Line
DG: I feel like Jason Babin watched the first half of The Program, decided Lattimer looked awesome, then just shut the movie off and went to get a bunch of tattoos before seeing how things worked out for him. A-

ZWR: Babin, Cole, and Jenkins are on pace for eleventy sacks, our corners have been beaten for one touchdown all year, and we’re still on pace to give up 800 points. B

FIVE PETE: DOUGIE TEO NESHAMINY MALL! A+++++++

CK: Splits didn’t look wide enough. I want the D Line assembled like a toll booth next week. All EZ Pass lanes. C

Linebacker
ZWR: Kill me in the face.

Five Pete: Hana Hou! Victorinoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! A+++++++

DG: Remember when TLC had that show “Are You That Girl?” or whatever where they held open auditions for a new member? The Eagles should do that for middle linebacker. And by “that” I mean “audition female singers.” Couldn’t hurt. D-. (F grade reserved for a situation where they play this badly and ALSO take part in a halftime performance by the Black Eyed Peas or something.)

CK: And I thought I hated Mark Simoneau. I…. oh F it. F it all.

GRRRRR BLODD LINES

Safety
ZWR: Does Jaiquawn Jarrett have a broken leg or something? We did draft him this year, right? F

DG: Hey, at least they never ran into each other and bonked heads, rendering themselves unconscious mid-play. D.

CK: Some guy called into whichever post game radio show I was listening to on my ride home yesterday and suggested the Eagles convert Casey Matthews into a safety. He was dead serious. When I heard this, I laughed pretty hard and even began to cough. Then, in my head, I saw Matthews bewilderingly chasing after Brandon Jacobs with his hair flopping in the wind like Steve Prefontaine and I decided drive my car into a pine tree. What was the question again? Safeties? Yeah. Stinky. F+.

Five Pete: E - A - E - A - E - S EAGLES!!! A+++++++

Cornerback
ZWR: Who cares you never have to throw at them all is lost I hate life brb going to cry. B+

CK: So Cruzed. C

Five Pete: IF HE WAS ON HIM ANY TIGHTER HE’D BE IN HIS DUNGAREES! A+++++++

DG: Corners played pretty well except for that play where Nommy Awesoma couldn’t stop Victor Cruz from catching a touchdown despite having safety help. Also, Victor Cruz would be a pretty good name for a flashy-dressing club owner and/or drug dealer, if you need one for your screenplay. A-

(ZWR NOTE: Me, Craney, and DG are close to completing a screenplay for a dark buddy comedy about three idiots who try to crack a drug ring using Twitter and need a literary agent drop us a line for real.)

(DG NOTE: Coming in the Fall of 2013... Joint Followers!)

(CK NOTE: “Sometimes you have to…weed out who you follow.”)

(ZWR NOTE: “High” five!)

Kicker
ZWR: Alex Henery passed his first “holy butt we don’t have any timeouts left I better get ready … wait what why the F we just run a play in-bounds with 15 seconds left?! … wait now the quarterback is still on the field … ohai now he’s running off?!” test of the year. A

CK: Alex Henery IS the red zone threat we’ve been waiting for. A+

DG: Yeah, he seems like a pretty nice guy. A

Coaching
ZWR: Picture Andy Reid and Marty Mornhinweg huddled over a calzone at 10PM on Wednesday night in Big Red’s office. Mornhinweg shoots up and starts scribbling on a napkin, explaining the play he’s doodling. “So what we do is run a counter with Schmitt, and have our mammoth left tackle try to pull to the right side of the center!” “Can we maybe work a reverse or shovel into that?” Juan Castillo looks up from his John Elway's Quarterback game manual, but catches himself before speaking. D+


DG: The thing where officials review every scoring play should be called the Reid Rule. Like the Rooney Rule, but instead of trying to promote diversity, it just helps NFL coaches not look like total doofs. Stink. D

CK: It boggles the mind that an enormous man who played offensive line is so hell bent on building a finesse football team on both sides of the ball. They can’t get off the field when they need a stop and they can’t pick up a tough yard in forever and infinity. It’s like that syndrome where rappers want to become actors. Andy is clearly not Mos Def in this situation. He’s Beanie Sigal. You ever see that Beanie Sigel movie? Holy crap. F

DG: Yeah, A. Reid with the game plan. Fans still prayin’,workin’ on my nerves, man. Like, “Son you gotta call a draw play... before you give the damn ball away.”

Five Pete: ALL CATHOLIC SPLIT END GOTTA KNOW THAT PLAYBOOK TO SUCCEED  A+++++++

5 comments:

  1. Fart noises for everybody!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, all of that and not even a mention of Danny Watkins. But Antone Davis is in there. LOLEagles?

    ReplyDelete
  3. teo neshaminy mall! L-O-L EAGLES!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wait, is Five Pete hitting that from behind?

    ReplyDelete

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