Monday, September 19, 2011

ZWR and Crane Kicker's Eagles Week 2 Report Card




Quarterback
CK: Mike Vick is veteran and makes 100 million dollars; he should know by now how to not get hurt all the time. Also Mike Kafka looks like Kojak. C+

ZWR: Should of kept T. Martin. F

Running Back
ZWR: LeSean McCoy looked good, but was too deliberate and straight-ahead with many of his runs. I’d like to see him maybe make some juke moves before committing to hitting the hole. Good game all in all, though. Loved what I saw from the fullbacks. A-

CK: McCoy would definitely be the best player at “Kill the man with the ball” (Editor's Note: aka "Fumbleitis"), however if he keeps carrying it with a wing out like LJ Smith I am going to continue to deduct points. Also, the Ronnie Brown trap play was sweet and tends to work well when the DT doesn’t come over the center unblocked and cause a red zone fumble. Dion Lewis has a cool name. B+

Wide Receiver
ZWR: Jeremy Maclin had a good game I guess, despite having his lymph nodes knocked out of him and dropping an easy catch on 4th down. But when will this team finally address the wide receiver position as an area of need? Couldn’t they have gotten the right Steve Smith at least? Ugh. C

CK: No complaints here other than Maclin’s drop. But he had a great game and the group as a whole made some big plays, had some key downfield blocks and DJacc’s hustle swagometer just hit Pete Rose level. All in all a great effort by everyone not named Riley Cooper. A


Tight End
ZWR: YEAH BOY, QUARTERBACK’S BEST FRIEND(s). Or not. Whatever. C-

Shane Victorino: OMG REMEMBER THAT TIME BRAD CELEK CAUGHT THAT SEAM ROUTE AND IT WAS F***ING BOSS AND IT WAS FOR A FIRST DOWN AND THEN HE GOT UP AND WAS LIKE “YAH BABY FIRST DOWN” AND DID THAT HILARIOUS CELEBRATION BUT THEN FELL DOWN AND GRABBED HIS LEG LIKE HE GOT SNIPED (GUNS ARE NO JOKE KIDS FOR REAL EVEN IF THEY’RE IN THE CONSTITUTION OF AMERICA) HAHAHAHA THAT SH*T WAS HILARIOUS I FOLLOW HIM ON FACEBOOK AND ALL

CK: Would really like to see more of Clay Harbour. Sike. He looks too much like LJ Smith. C-

ZWR: You should probably do us all a solid and mention LJ Smith more.

Offensive Line
ZWR: Jason Peters played like a large athletic man but I don’t even know the names of the other guys to be quite honest. I think the Mountie Firefighter was credited with one look-out block, two leg-whips and three infants saved, but I’ll have to look at the game tape with Cris Collinsworth on mute to be sure. B?
Edit: Jason Peters’s beard rules. A-
Edit no. 2: Howard Mudd has a cane and probably dimensia: B-
Edit no. 3: But he did a chest bump with McCoy. A-

CK: Jason Peters had just one false start I think and the rest of the time he was beating people up. I saw some attractive girl tweet that Todd Herremans played a good game so I’ll go with it. I dunno anyone else’s name and Danny Watkins only saw TV action once and he appeared to be farting on a Gatorade cooler. C

WIDE 9
ZWR: WIDER. NINER. PHYSICALER. TRIBAL TATTOOIER. HUNTING QUARTERBACKS!
B+, despite Jason Babin being a dumb meathead.

CK: Babin and Cole kill stuff together for fun. Cullen Jenkins was everywhere and he may be my new favorite player. My only fear is someone gets injured during a sack celebration… there’s a lot of flexing going on. Oh and I dunno what happened in the 4th Quarter but I am partially blaming Philip Hunt. B-


Cornerback
ZWR: Asante Samuel put on a tackling clinic, made a diving pick which caused a bone to protrude from his finger, and inspired Nnamdi Asomugha to make his first interception since like 2007. THE PREZIDENT: A+++++, Other corners: B

CK: They’re really good. My only complaint is, I’m trying to work “Dominique Nachos-Cromartie” into my gameday spread and DRC is really going to need more playing time for this to happen. Until then it’s “Nnamdi Awesomewings” and “Asante Sandwiches” all day. A.


Linebacker
ZWR: CK and I broke down the tape pretty intensively in studying this group, particularly focusing on Tony Gonzalez’s 18 catches and six red zone touchdowns.



As you can see, there was some confusion in coverage and latency in filling gaps (which is crucial in the WIDE NINER). They’d likely be better off just getting three guys named Mike, Sam, and Will to play each respective position. It would reduce confusion (Sam couldn’t do a worse job of passing off the TE to Darryl Page), too. F-

CK: Stink. F


Safety
CK: The group is brutal. I like Kurt Coleman’s intensity but he has trouble finding the ball which is somewhat important in football as a defender. What’s the deal with J-Kwon Jarrett? Everybody in the club gettin tipsy. D+

ZWR: Samesies. Grade: SELL

Coaching
CK: Blah blah blah we gotta do a better job there blah blah blah two good football teams blah blah blah I like our guys at linebacker blah blah blah we’ll fix it blah blah blah short yardage blah blah blah red zone blah blah blah prime rib. C-

ZWR: Double-reverse toss back to Vick ftmfw don’t ever change Andy I love you. PASS (get it?)

8 comments:

  1. Whatever, I didn't want to be part of this stupid post anyway. I give a C, on account of it being stupid and dumb and everybody knowing it.

    (Srsly tho, I'm pretty sure I had a calculus test returned to me once that just said, "Stink. F," on it, too.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Regarding Celek's celebration into apparent injury, I think that's called "Pulling a Gramatica"

    #gramatica'd

    ReplyDelete
  3. F. do you think Doc is thinking about the eagles the day before his start? Neither should you.

    Fail.

    ReplyDelete
  4. seriously who cares, football is awful

    ReplyDelete
  5. People who don't like football are awful.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can't tell if Casey Matthews is trying to braid his hair or squeeze out the grease. Either way, awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I literally can't stop laughing at the "WIDER. NINER." line.

    And it's been two days.


    Yes, it was so funny that I took the time to comment on it, even with an anonymous profile.


    GOOD stuff ZWR.

    ReplyDelete

Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...