Monday, October 31, 2011

Eagles Week 8 Report Card, Featuring Mike Vick and a Parrot

 Hey kids, you know the deal. But before we get to the report card, and because we’re five years old, here’s a video of Tony Romo summarizing his team’s performance on Sunday Night Football Week in America:

ZWR: Michael Vick did everything right. He adjusted calls at the line of scrimmage, threw the ball accurately, fixed busted plays, and didn’t needlessly concuss himself. I contend that if the Eagles had synthetic turf (our field looks like crap btw) Vick would have put up at least 1400 yards last night. A+

CK: Mike Vick was throwing darts all night. Laser beams even. Darts with laser beams attached to them. Darts with laser beams attached to them that were laser beam guided by a giant dart made of all lasers. AND HE BOUGHT A FRIGGIN PARROT LAST WEEK. IN A PET STORE. This transformation continues to amaze. A+

DG: Michael Vick was great. Elsewhere, Kevin Kolb went 10-21 for 150 yards and Donovan McNabb sat on the bench behind a rookie whose name is actually and for seriously “Christian Ponder.” A+++++++++


You're welcome.
Credit: Craney's Secret Sources

Running Back
ZWR: LeSean McCoy is so fargling awesome that the dorks who complain about how he carries the ball (qualified of course by noting how they were second team All-Catholic at North Catholic) aren’t even complaining about how he carries the ball. 100

CK: Poor Dion Lewis crashed his car and was deactivated. He would’ve had at least 80 yards and his first career NFL touchdown. So based on that projection plus Shady McCoy’s okeedoke on the entire state of Texas this group gets a Bo Derek. 10.

DG: Some people I know live way out in bumblestuff where they got almost a foot of snow on Saturday. Then yesterday it was like 60 and sunny. There were multiple reports of kids outside sledding while wearing shorts. On the Awesomeness Scale, that is the only thing comparable to LeSean McCoy’s performance. A+

Wide Receiver
ZWR: JESUS JAZZ HANDS! Maclin is on pace to catch 90+. Desean put Angry Drunken Santa in his place. Brent Celek also had a huge game, fueled by the world’s greatest Twitter background. A

CK: I’m pretty sure Riley Cooper dressed up like Casey Matthews for Halloween. I may have made that up in my head but I don’t care what you think it deserves an A.

DG: Everyone looked very fashionable and I did not notice any momentum-killing fumbles. A

Offensive Line
ZWR: Aside from Jason Kelce jamming the ball directly up his own butt {credit mcquade} and DeMarcus Ware somehow getting four sacks, the O-Line played well. Jason Peters’s braids were, of course, glorious. Also, former Eagles offensive lineman Shawn Andrews liked it when I made fun of the Cowboys sissy punter, which is always a win! {insert screengrab from twinker} Also also, the offensive line coach is a grumpy old man on crutches that Shady does chest bumps with. A

(Staff giffer DHM made this)

CK: Butt snap + Jason Peters mauling + Danny Watkins playing mistake free + Todd Herremans protecting the blind side + other white guy = A+

DG: Howard Mudd is the footballiest name ever and I wish he was my grandpa. A-

ZWR: Seriously, who wants to go to Jason Babin’s ranch with me we get a group discount if four of us go we can shoot some wildebeests (Note: I’m not shooting any animals but I will wear camo and NOM some beef jerky and drink beer I assume that’s what happens on a hunt).

CK: No joke Cullen Jenkins and his family sat down next to my party at a local tavern on Friday night and I was like “Yo, Night Doctor!” and he was like “Yo! First time since I’ve been in Philly somebody has called me that!” and I was like “Yo you rule kick some Dallas aaaa…(and then I made eye contact with a little kid at the table)…kick their butts!” #FF @CullenJenkins #nightdoctor

DG: I imagine there are Post-It notes in Juan Castillo’s house that say things like “Nine-Wide = Good. Seventeen-Wide = Better? Talk to Andy.” A

ZWR: Jamar Chaney actually looked pretty good and I didn’t see anyone get beat by 15 yards on a wheel route and I’m pretty sure Casey Matthews was trick-or-treating but I mean for serious we were up 24-0 two minutes in so the Cowboys didn’t use The Marco Murray all that much ummmm B?

CK: Holes were being stuffed by linebackers all night. (You’re sick). B.

DG: One of our linebackers should change his name to Genghis. Any one will do. Otherwise, solid. B+

ZWR: That’s what we were expecting, yo. The Eagles honored Eric Allen last night. Watch this. A

CK: NOMBI SNOW DEATH PUNCH. Also – Asante did this dance and me and Spike Eskin got all dorky about it cuz we’re dorks. A  (Editor's Note: I can confirm that Spike Eskin is a dork)

DG: The only thing that would have made the corners’ performance better would have been an indefensible 15-yard penalty or two. That’s why I miss Al Harris sometimes. There’s something to be said for inexplicably grabbing a guy by his facemask and chucking him out of bounds despite the play taking place on the opposite side of the field. Also, do you think when cornerbacks talk with each other about having one night stands with the ladies, they call it “bump and run”? I bet they do. A

ZWR: Well-played.

This thread just needed more pictures. LOL Denver fans

ZWR: Kurt Coleman got dusted on a bomb that made me lose in fantasy but I mean who cares it was in garbage time. zOMG I love when centers take three pointers at the end of NBA games once I saw Manute Bol hit a trifeca at the Spectrum.

CK: I loved it when Kurt Coleman was jawing with Miles Austin facemask to facemask he was probably like “Dude why the f do you shout out your high school during intros that is so lame you should be repping Monmouth University son you got something against little orphan Annie or something?” A+

DG: RIP Andre Waters :(

ZWR: Remember that show Superstars where random athletes would compete on the beach in all different goofy athletic competitions? I bet Kurt Coleman would be surprisingly good at that. He would be doing well and everything then all of a sudden he’d start hella-kayaking or swimming like a fish and you’d be all, “OH SNAP!”

Special Teams
ZWR: I was pretty sure Jeremy Maclin broke his spleen or something at the end of the half maybe that wasn’t worth the risk Andy just saying. C+

CK: I made a joke about Mat McBriar’s drop foot on Twitter and apparently some guy who draws cartoons had a filter on his Twitter account for “drop foot” because he got mad and @’d me and then I checked his timeline and it was all him yelling at strangers about making fun of drop foot and a diatribe about how long his drop foot took to heal and how it wasn’t a laughing matter.

ZWR: zOMG yes, please he can’t even kick your butt because he has a wimp foot.

DG: If I ever meet Andy Reid, we are going to have a long conversation about using your starting wide receivers as punt returners when you’re up by 100 points and there are ten seconds left in the half. Then we will probably talk about barbecue sauce or something for a while. B-

ZWR: I’m a honey mustard man.

DG: Honey Mustard Man would be a dope comic book.

ZWR: His arch nemesis could be (menacing ukulele) POLLY NESIAN.

CK: Honey Mustard is the jawn but Buffalo Wing sauce is the jawn of jawns.

ZWR: So you’re saying it’s a … Jawn Star?


If you're planning to submit a pic for this year's ZWR costume contest, please get it to myself or Danger Guerrero by tomorrow morning. Details and contact info here.

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