Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Eagles Week Seven Report Card


I was going to post this yesterday, but wanted to hold off and see if the Jacksonville Jaguars would wear teal-ish jerseys with hypercolor helmets while starting a quarterback with Creed hair.


Continued success.

On to it, then. You know who's up in this piece: CK, DG, and me.

Quarterback
ZWR: My neighbor Ben and I played catch and were able to perfect the back shoulder fade see what you have to do is aim for the Penn State sticker on his rear windshield and throw it when he’s just passing the green minivan it can’t be stopped our neighbor Gillian tried to cover him but she had no chance we’re like Manning and Harrison (w/o the murder intrigue and broken neck; *in your face* Philly Gill).

DG: ALLEGED murder intrigue. And do you think Peyton and Eli made lots of “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper” jokes at Cooper Manning’s expense when they were growing up? I bet they did. All the time. (RELATED: Holly Robinson Peete, you guys? Whoa.)

CK: Did you guys play 5 or 7 Mississippi blitz? I always thought 7 was way too long. But then again I am really fast so you could’ve played 1 Mississippi and I still would’ve gotten the pass off or just scrambled like Randall and did a leap into the bushes.


OMG those uniforms with the black spikes.

ZWR: We played 7 Mississippi, but you could blitz once every four downs and rush if someone cut the middle or lined up in the backfield. We always used to tell our Mississippier to to pronounce it “Missippi” to gain an edge. ALSO: I was at that Eagles/Packers game, yo. A

CK: Yeah I know those rules. That defense was like the Wide 9. I burnt that thing like a camp fire marshmallow.

DG: I once called a triple-reverse flea flicker hook and ladder during a pickup game in college. Just wanted you guys to know that.

CK: Hey remember in the game John Elway’s Quarterback if you left the play selector over the “reverse play” option your team had supersonic speed? A+

Running Back
ZWR: On October 6, 1991 Heath Sherman carried the ball 35 times for 89 yards against Tampa Bay. I think later this year I’m going to run a bizarro fantasy football pool, where you pick the guys that you think will put up the worst performances for regular players: lowest yards-per-carry with a minumum of ten carries, most interceptions with a minimum of 15 pass attempts, lowest yards-per-reception with a minumum of four receptions, etc. It could be fun. Winner gets a date with Danger Guerrero.

DG: WE GOIN’ SIZZLER, LADIES! A-

CK: Heath Sherman had the dopest neck roll. Ricky Watters’ neck roll was jealous of that thing. B+

Wide Receiver
ZWR: Joe Horn, Haywood Jeffires, and Flipper Anderson is all I need to beat you in anything. Anything.

DG: You could have 300 wide receivers on the field and it wouldn’t be enough for me. Like the oopty-oop, but even ooptier. Everyone runs a go route. B

CK: ZWR Imma letchu finish but Ernest Givins was the best WR on the Houston Oilers of all time! Touchdown dances for days. No disrespect to you, Billy Whiteshoes. (h/t “They brought the house, we brought the pain.”) A

Offensive Line
DG: You know what show I hate? Intervention. That is the dumbest, most depressing crap on TV. My New Year’s Resolution this year was to completely stop watching it. It would ruin my whole night, and I don’t need that noise. And then A&E pairs it with that other creepfest Hoarders. Too much sad. If I was running A&E, I’d cancel both shows immediately and replace them with a two hour block of Nickelodeon GUTS. D-

ZWR: You Can’t Do That On Television or GTFO. B-

CK: Is Heathcliff still on? I loved that show. And those other cats that were always up to no good that lived on top of that trash heap in the junkyard would come on after. What a great concept. I think there was even an occasion or two where they had a crossover episode. Riff-Raff, Hector, Wordsworth, and Mungo. Now granted I had to look that up, but name a crew with a collection of cool names as these cats. Wu-Tang, maybe. But it’s close. A


ZWR: "Heathcliff Heathcliff no one should, terrify their neighborhood..." The Gobots to Garfield's Transformers. It also used to come on right before Inspector Gadget!

Defensive Line
CK: You know what was really gross? That Super Bowl when Tim Krumrie broke his leg so bad and went flying over the pile and his leg was flapping through the air and they kept showing it. I never forgot that.

ZWR: Air Bud VII: WIDE CANINE A+++++++

DG: There are not nearly enough movies being made these days where a big fat offensive lineman farts really bad and the whole defensive line faints and then the running back zig zags around their lifeless bodies to score a touchdown. Just my opinion. C-

Linebacker
CK: Jeez Louise I am hungry and it’s only 10:52am EST. What kind of cruel joke is this on a Monday? I mean if I go eat lunch now I will be hungry again at like 4pm and in no way is that an acceptable dinner time… don’t even get me started on what that will lead to snack wise around 8pm. So what then? I eat a snack at 4 and spoil my dinner? That’s no way to live. It’s the side snacking that really kills your momentum. So you’re telling me I have to sit here and wait an hour to eat? By then I’ll have a headache and my day will be totally ruined. There’s gotta be a better way. And you can go pound sand with your ideas of broccoli as a snack. You like people thinking you are farting when they come over to say hello? Because broccoli smells like farts, you know. Get a grip. Green tea it is I guess. F

ZWR: Gimme a pizza. Hold the sauce. Hold the crust.

DG: This is the problem I have with brunch. Don’t get me wrong, I love brunch itself (Mimosas are a great excuse to get really drunk before lunch), but then it screws up the rest of my day. I know it’s cool to be able to eat an omelette and a waffle and a big slab of prime rib at the same meal, but at what cost, you know? Also, if I was the dude working the cutting station, I’d be eating all kinds of sneakynoms off the roast while people weren’t looking, or daring the omelette guy to make weird combinations like one with sausage, pancake batter and maple syrup. I’d be fired by the middle of my shift. B-

Cornerback
ZWR: I had a dream last night that I got a giant tattoo of Asante Samuel on my left quad. The Nag and I were at Wawa, and when I went to scratch my leg my shorts hiked up to reveal The President’s glorious mug. Upon questioning I was able to finally recollect that the ink happened at a party two nights prior, and was done by a donkey that looked like a less-scrawny (duh) Spike Eskin. Then at the register I bought a jalapeno pretzel NOM. A-

DG: One time I had a dream where my Mom and I were driving across a bridge and the bridge collapsed and I heard my mom screaming as she drowned in the river below. Eat a butt, subconscious. Eat a whole butt. F-

CK: I had a dream I got a tattoo of DG’s mom and then me and Asante Samuel went base jumping off a bridge. A+

Editor's Note: MOM JOKES!

Safety
DG: When I was younger, I went as a ninja for Halloween like five years in a row. Black costume, foam nunchucks, the whole nine. One year I also wore roller blades, for no reason other than because I had them and thought it would be awesome. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that a real life roller blading ninja would be incredibly badass and that should be the next movie we all write once Joint Followers is a box office smash and studios let us make a passion project. B+

CK: The word safety has too many meanings. Think about it. Kind of annoying. Also I think if a lineman commits a penalty in the end zone that results in a safety, that lineman should be the one who punts the ball on the ensuing kick. Would be funny to see Jason Peters punt. A

ZWR: If a safety makes the tackle to cause a safety he gets to kick an extra half-point to the safety and then Vegas will have to change all of their lines to the quarter point and that’ll be funny plus then maybe Merton Hanks could have done his crazy neck dance after splitting the uprights. C

Special Teams
DG: I bet it would be cool to be friends with The Rock. A-

CK: I think MySpace is going to make a comeback. B

ZWR: I believe there existed an inverse correlation between a teenager’s propensity to have punted while playing Madden or Tecmo on Genesis and the rate at which he touched boobies.

Coaching
CK: Since ZWR is the proprietor of this place does that mean DG and myself are in the ZWR coaching tree? Or are we consultants?

ZWR: You’re our tree’s Ray Rhodes!

CK: That's some bullzip. You don't even have a tree. More like a bonzai. Ingrate.

ZWR: Just kidding I love you Steve Mariucci. What a name. That sounds like a guy who should be managing an OTB, not coaching in the NFL.

DG: You know how sometimes coaches will call in someone else to give a speech to the team before a big game? That’s how I view my role here. ZWR handles the day-to-day operations, laying the important foundation and blueprints for the future, and then every now and again I come in and scream about what living is or is not. (In this analogy, a substantial number of ZWR readers are Bill Bellamy.)

3 comments:

  1. "I believe there existed an inverse correlation between a teenager’s propensity to have punted while playing Madden or Tecmo on Genesis and the rate at which he touched boobies." Made my day!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bill Bellamy, reporting for duty.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The X-Delay to Keith Jackson in Joe Montana II Sports Talk Football for Genesis... unstoppable

    ReplyDelete

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