Monday, October 17, 2011

Eagles Week Six Report Card

Yeah yeah yeah you know who writes these...

ZWR: Remember that time Chase Utley was being way too intense against the Reds last year and launched himself face-first at second base and broke his thumb and everyone was all, “Dude what are you doing we don’t need you to get hurt?!?!”? That’s basically how I feel every time Michael Vick does a “falling skier” into a gaggle of linebackers and safeties rather than slide feet first. Discretion is the better part of valor, my man. Also, your backup (yesterday) is (was) a butt tard emptyhead, so you can’t get hurt. Which brings us to Vince Young. Nice throw, bro. Good idea. Second smartest thing you’ve done all year. Vick: B+, Young: K

DG: I am not a wealthy man. I grew up middle class, and was taught the value of money and not to waste it on things that were unimportant. That said, I swear I would give Michael Vick $100 cash if he promised to never dive headfirst into a linebacker’s knee ever again. Also, we should all set aside $15-20 and get Rex Grossman a gift certificate to Spencer’s Gifts. He earned it. Vick: B. Grossman: A++++++++++++

CK: At first they were like “OMG he’s woozy again” and I was all “uh oh here we go all over” and they were all “and here comes Vince Young” and I was all “hey sweetie watch this guy he is terrible” and they were all “INTERCEPTION” and she was all “wow he stinks” and I was all “I KNOW” and then they were all “It was only dirt in his face he’s fine!” and I was all “Praise the lord” and then Andy was all “632 off tackle run block schematic 26 times plz” and I was all “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON” and then Mike Vick was all “Hey cheerleaders let’s play kickball” and then Sam Rosen’s nose was like “Eagles win!” A

Running Back
ZWR: Shady McCoy is the coolest: He does everything well, he’s always smiling (but in the good way), his Sunday Night Football player intro cracks me up, and he’s arguably the best all-around back in football so far this year. (Also, see video below) A+

DG: If I could do all those fancy cuts and jukes like McCoy, I would just steal things all the time. Who’s gonna catch me? Mall security? Come on. It would be like Benny Hill in the KOP mall every day. Grade: A-

CK: From now on when anything good happens on a daily basis I am doing Shady McCoy’s TD dance including the bonus scene of punching a fat mustached guy in the belly. And Neon Dion almost scored AND didn’t even try to do a grenade toss at the goal line (looking at you, Ronnie Brown). A++

Receiver (now including tight ends!)
ZWR: They’re good. Maclin continues to be our number one (OH SNAP), DeSean was up over 15 YPC, Jesus Jazz Hands had that big fourth down conversion and didn’t let anyone take the ball from his Jesusy, jazzy hands, and (as the header suggests) Brent Celek actually did something besides be that blocking tight end with the awesome Twitter background. B+

Oh yo hey side note: Chris Cooley has one of the local sports radio shows broadcasting from his house today. Craney and Danger: How would that go over in Philly after a loss?

DG: All I ask out of my receivers is that they catch the ball, don’t fumble it, and do cool dances/celebrations after big plays. That’s all. Grade: B+


CK: Riley Cooper had a perfect form special teams tackle. The rest was filler as far as I’m concerned. Oh and Chris Cooley’s wife is a smokeshow so it was definitely the idea of whoever produces that show to go to his house. Cooper – A; Other WRs – B+; Bert Celica – w/e; Chris Cooley < Fred Davis (thanks for the Fantasy points Fredbruh).

Offensive Line
ZWR: ZWR is happy to report that for a second straight week, no fires were reported in and around the area where the Eagles played professional football. Get used to fireman jokes. No but seriously they seemed to be doing a lot better--especially at those plays where they forget to block the big fast guys. In fact, I only saw Jason Kelce on his back, like, seven or nine times, and he seemed to get at least almost another millimeter of push during what is now the NFL record for most consecutive unsuccessful quarterback sneak plays. Jamaal Jackson continues to S his D H when they don’t use him on those. B?

DG: If I was an offensive lineman, I’d push hard (HARD) for the fumblerooski in short yardage plays. I don’t think these guys do that enough. Other than that, solid. B


Defensive Line
ZWR: Mike Patterson sacked a guy by his neck that rules. Darryl Tapp got consistent pressure, and Jason Babin’s tattoos looked extra nice under a crisp, autumn sky. I’m pretty he may have even made a tackle on a running back for the first time in 2011, but I’ll have to go back and look at the tape. Cullen Jenkins continues to benefit from the WIDE NINE being a scheme that plays to his strengths (which, primarily, are being nasty and looking like B.A. Baracus). A-

DG: Jason Babin seems like the kind of guy who would get into a bar fight because someone played a song he didn’t like on the jukebox. He’s one part football player, one part bad guy in a Nic Cage movie. I love him dearly. B+

CK: Needs more Philip Hunt.  B-

ZWR: Casey Matthews didn’t play, but late last week someone at Whole Foods did confuse him with his talented older brother. Then he fumbled his plate and spilled tandoori chicken all into the lentils and the illusion was lost. Fred Davis only had six catches for 95 yards, which is a season low for opposing tight ends. He could have had much, much more, if not for some flukeish play by Coleman. Brian Rolle plays much bigger than his actual size, but unfortunately for him that’s still only 5’9”. Jamar Chaney had a penalty called on him that one time. C

DG: Casey Matthews should consider changing his name to something more linebacker sounding, like Jack Violence. I feel like that would help. Grade: B- (curved from the raw score of D-)

CK: During pregame I saw Colt Anderson in the background and then I saw Casey Matthews and then they were both standing next to each other then all of the sudden I started singing “More than Words” by Nelson and then I blacked out for a few minutes.  C

ZWR: Nnamdi had that hit on Cooley that knocked him out of the game, and we all simultaneously jumped out of our imported italian leather recliners, flexed our muscles and made the yell that an NBA player does when he dunks on a Sixer (sorry Spike Eskin). It was hard to tell how well everyone else played though because, well, Rex Grossman was too busy being Rex Grossman. B+

DG: I heard a guy call Nnamdi Asomugha “Nnamdi Obama” this week. I wanted to correct him, but I was terrified of where our conversation would go from there. Also, it’s easy to look good at your job when Rex Grossman is hucking the ball around all willy-nilly and John Beck is spiking slant patterns into the ground. Grade: A-

More ZWR: Kudos to Asante for nearly crippling himself by tacking a guy with via somersault (or, as my aunt taught me to call them, “tumblesault”).

CK: DRC made a play. All I ask is one play a week from that guy so I can shout “Nachos!” and he gave me that. PS – Hey Chris how ya Cooley feel LOL Nnomi.  B+

ZWR: Kurt Coleman said that Kurt Coleman wants to get three interceptions every game, assuming he’s not sitting on the bench watching Jarrad Page do his version of the “falling skier” at the feet of opposing ball carriers. We’ll do our best to check in on Kurt’s progress from week to week. Nate Allen had a pick, and after the game gave a half-hearted apology for having two first names, unlike Earl Thomas. A

DG: Didn’t we draft that guy who sang “Tipsy”? Why doesn’t he play more?

CK: DG you totally jacked that line from me. Kurt Coleman for president and chairman of the Rod Woodson lookalike club. A

DG: Great, now Joe Rogan is gonna come yell at me about joke stealing all afternoon. I don’t have time for that.


ZWR: Go eff yourself Sav Rocca you never dropped chip shots five feet from the cup for us. For some reason they won’t let Alex Henererery attempt a field goal outside of high school distances (well, except for that totally reasonable and not at all ridiculous sixty-whatever yard prayer in Atlanta), which is perplexing at a minimum and potentially downright scary. B

DG: I wonder if Alex Henery and Chas Henry sometimes switch places and pretend to be each other just to see if anyone notices, like in The Parent Trap. I bet they do.

CK: Watching Alex Henery set up to kick a field goal is like watching Brad Lidge (new Brad Lidge not ’08 Brad Lidge) come into a game. I dunno what is going to happen. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen. The goal posts are even confused. Worked out this week.  A


Lesean McCoy hitting Andy Reid in the gut
^^ credit Dan McQuade

CK: I heard Billick say “Mornhinweg just outcoached Jim Haslett on that drive” and I couldn’t believe my ears because he was right. Later Billick again referred to Brian Westbrook as “Michael Westbrook” and I could believe my ears because he screws up everyone’s name. Marty – A; Billick – D; Bobby April – Xanax.

ZWR: Ilya Bryzgoaliekoff looks good, yo. A+

DG: He’s no Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

CK: I hope they spell his name correctly on the Cup before he takes it to Russia and loses it in a high stakes staring contest.  A+

Brian Billick
ZWR: I think I finally understand why it would be better for the Eagles time-wise for it to be 3rd and 1 with two minutes left than 1st and 10 with two minutes left re: running out the clock. A+

CK: Please let him call a double reverse between Desean and Lesean one day. Please. #keyshawn

DG: At some point on Sunday, I realized MTV Jams was doing one of their 90s Weekends, so I missed a bunch of the game because I was watching music videos like “Ghetto Jam” by Domino. Then when I went back to the game, I just left it on mute and played more 90s rap videos on Youtube. I have no idea what you guys are talking about. Grade: A+
DG: Grade: Fat


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