Monday, October 3, 2011

Shane Victorino Bumped His Head

AP photo

Victorino Wall Gif via Lookout Landing
GIF from Lookout Landing

Interior, Phillies Dugout, bottom of the seventh inning. 

Shane Victorino approaches Greg Gross.

VICTORINO: Coach Gross, I may have finally grasped what you were telling me the other day… and think you are correct. If I’m able to detect a breaking ball shortly upon the pitcher’s release, and manage to keep my weight on my back half, the odds of keeping a batted ball fair certainly are improved. It’s an astute point!

GROSS: Wait, I'm sorry, what did you say?

Victorino leaves and crosses his legs while sitting on the bench next to next Cole Hamels.

VICTORINO: Hello, Cole. It appears as if we may need you to come up big on Tuesday. I just want you to know have full confidence in you. How couldn’t I after your 119 pitch, complete game shut-out against the Reds on October 10 of last year's disappointing playoff run? Your command was superb! What was it--Eighty one? No, eighty two strikes!

HAMELS: Um, okay Shane. Thanks. Hey-- like, are you okay? You seemed to really hit the wall kind of like weird out there.

VICTORINO: Indeed. I failed to take into account the sideways rotation of the ball from the right hander's bat, and due to this, the ball tailed back to the right. Due to a slight computational error in my linear optical trajectory, my angle of approach to the ball's vector during the play in question was less than ideal. And to add injury to insult, as it were, I'm afraid my face and head impacted the lightly padded walls in centerfield at a rather unfortunate rate of speed.

HAMELS: Yeah, but, like, Shane-- man, are you okay?

Victorino rises, and approaches Roy Halladay. 

VICTORINO: Your conditioning, Roy, is so admirable. I too like to work out, but it’s a much more strength-based approach, with less cardiovascular work than you’d expect from one who derives so much value from speed. I’m not saying it’s completely paradoxical, because your primary assets conceivably don’t need to be worked on as much as areas that would see a steeper return from training and development, but there’s probably a better balance to be stricken. And I’m not getting any younger, right?! Hahahahaha.

HALLADAY: *Engages Death Stare* 

VICTORINO: Well, it's been great chatting with you. I appreciate your friendship.

Shane heads toward the Gatorade cooler, which is being manned John Mayberry.

VICTORINO: Mr. Mayberry, trouble me some quick advice while I replenish my electrolytes--although if we're being honest, Gatorade's success is primarily a triumph of marketing half-truths. Multiple controlled studies have found that water is a more than an efficient thirst-quencher compared to its sugary counterparts--are the educational rigors of the curriculum at Stanford as difficult as is often assumed? 

MAYBERRY: What...?! Look-- nice effort out there man, just off the tip of your glove. You'll get the next one. No worries from me, brah.

Victorino swishes some red Gatorade around in his mouth and spits it into a separate cup. He throws both cups into a trash can at the end of the dugout. CLIFF LEE is sitting nearby.

VICTORINO: Cliff! So sorry, sir. That's a ball I should have caught. As I was telling young Mr. Hamels earlier, I simply miscalc--

LEE: Whatever, man. Don't worry about it. Way to use your head, though.

Lee playfully *slaps* Victorino on the back of his head to emphasize his joke. 

VICTORINO: OMIGODomigodOMIGOD. Youguys. What happened I was running and running and running and next thing I know--BOOMMMMM-- hit the wall and then all I saw were these bright flashes like on those shows when the people have the near death experience and then they see the light? Like in Ghost Hunters when they find the ghosts in the basement and the hair on the back of your neck stands up and you get the goose bumps  BRAH, BRAH, i totally saw the light and felt the chills and next thing I know I'm there watching myself throw the ball back into the infield but i'm totally like above myself and it's like Dana White or someone really strong is carrying me as i'm floating above it all and then next thing I know I hear someone calling my name and then a baseball flies out of nowhere and hits me in the back of the head and I look around and I'm totally like standing right here next to you guys right now and I'm all like how did I get here in the dugout right? and then I told you guys this story about how it all happened and I hit the wall and then had this weird trippy dream experience where I was floating above myself while my other self was chasing a ball on the warning track and throwing it back into the infield and--WHOAAAAA, that was cuh-razy. Scarier than Ice Road Truckers! Hey anyway what's the score when do I bat next I think I can hit this guy wait who's pitching we should totally be killing this team we need to step it up!!! LET'SGOOOOOO!!

Victorino, in a display of sheer energy and enthusiasm, attempts to charge back out to his fielding position in centerfield, but is stopped by the outstretched arm of Charlie Manuel. 

MANUEL: Son, where you going? We still battin'. 


On the field, Jimmy Rollins gets *picked off* of first base and thrown out at second. 

MANUEL: Okay, now you can go...


  1. Thank you for making the sting of yesterdays shitty Philly sports day, just a little more manageable.

  2. Needs more Chompasaurus.

  3. Shane as Mr. Nutt. Secretly, he's an orc.


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