Monday, November 14, 2011

Eagles Week TEN (?) Report Card Whatever Who Cares


Noooooooo, not the wheel route!!!
Everyone gets an F we’re just going to post whatever we want. Time’s yours.

DG: Hi. I hate the Eagles so I’m just gonna post insane music videos. Ok? Ok.

Quarterback
ZWR: Danger, this is stupid stuff:
You see Mike Vick is fast enough;
Though each pass amiss, ’tis clear,
Accelerates how you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the D Juan makes,
Gives fat red chaps the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well, the horned head:
He poor lads, Steve Smith’s turn turn now
Twas shot- killed! right before the first down.
Pretty friendship ’tis to rhyme
Wait where’s DeSean he’s not on time?
Moping melancholy mad:
Come, read this post then, lad.

CK: Spinach is disgusting. F

DG:Jam” by Michael Jackson. A+. Starting around the 3:00 mark, it features Michael Jordan playing 1-on-1 against Michael Jackson in an empty warehouse, a guest verse by Heavy D (RIP), a cameo by Kriss Kross, and Michael Jackson teaching Michael Jordan how to dance. This is how you make a music video.

Running Back
ZWR: LeSean McCoy rules good thing they’re saving his legs for the playoffs. He touched the ball less in the fourth quarter than the Cardinals’ defensive backs.

DG:Gravel Pit” by Wu-Tang. A+. I’ve said this many times, but not enough music videos feature dinosaurs, sexy cave ladies, Ghostface Killah wearing head-to-to white fur in a rock quarry, AND end with a 90 second ninja battle. Something to work on, directors.

CK: Lady Gaga is hot in a weird way. C

MEECH*: ay yo cuz these pretzels are makin me thirsty?

*not really Meech

Wide Receiver
ZWR: Riley Cooper had a real big game, with one crucial dropped pass and a false start penalty. Seriously, a false start penalty. He plays wide receiver. His hair looked gorgeous though--downright Matthewsesque, I dare say. Also, he and Colt Anderson should have to line up next to each other on every kickoff. Also also, penalty on Colt Anderson for not wearing number 45.

And it should be clear to everyone by now that Steve Smith is a mole for the New York Giants, sent to Philadelphia to sabotage our Eagles. The guy was running towards a first down late in the game, and decided to lay down about 2 yards short. For what reason?! There’s only one explanation. I rest my case.

Even the other other Steve Smith is rendered speechless

DG:Volcano Girls” by Veruca Salt. A-. I like to imagine the treatment for this video was just a cocktail napkin with the word “BUUNNGGGEEEEEEEEEE!” written on it in red crayon.

CK: That new sausage jawn at Dunkin Donuts was surprisingly not terrible. B-

Red Skelton
ZWR: Fordham’s Finest. A+, future Hall of Famer. Had 100 yards passing on one single drive against Juan Castillo’s vaunted “Nobody Cares” defense.


CK: John Skelton looks like a thinner version of High Pitch Eric. F


DG: I used to have a crush on She-Ra. Just throwin’ that out there.

"She-Ra?" "Yes, Dan-Ger?" "You can have my hearted breast plate." "Oh neat, thanks."

John Lynch
“BOY I TELL YA MICHAEL VICK LOOKED PHENOMENAL IN PRACTICE ON FRIDAY, I SWEAR TO GOD HE DIDN’T THROW A SINGLE INCOMPLETION IT WAS INCREDIBLE BASICALLY THE EAGLES ARE GONNA ROLL THE CARDINALS THEY HAVE NO SHOT MIKE VICK IS YOUR NEW PRACTICE GOD EAGLES SHOULD WIN BY 40, SAY, ANYONE WANT TO BUY SOME AVOCADOS?” F+

CK: Dick Stockton was the drunkest man in the stadium. A

This came out in like 1989.
DG: I watched the game on mute again. A.

Offensive Line
ZWR: When I saw the dude from Survivor starting to sing Eye of the Tiger during the fight on Saturday night I immediately wondered how many times Pacquiao’s people had to call him back before he accepted that they weren’t prank calls.

DG:Holding out for a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler. B+. This video is like one of those clubs Stefon describes on SNL. It’s got: creepy ghost angels singing backing vocals, a man with a glow in the dark whip, bad guys wearing wearing black who want to kidnap you but will let you finish singing first, a cowboy in all white on a white horse, and scenic landscapes of the American southwest. The 80s were super weird.

CK: The Eagles player introductions were to "In the air tonight" by Phil Collins. That really gets your blood going for a 1 o'clock game. F

Defensive Line
ZWR: I was playing cornhole on Saturday and a guy on the other team yelled out “I’M THE ANSWER” after sinking a shot and then right after I did too and blurted, “WELL I’M THE REBUTTAL!” and started doing the butt (I won the battle but lost the war).

DG:She’s Gone” by Hall and Oates. B+. At about the 2:45 mark, a man in a devil costume walks onto the set and helps Oates put on an extra long tuxedo jacket (with what appear to be flippers at the end of the sleeves) over his sleeveless dress shirt so he can shred his guitar solo. The 70s were also super weird.

ZWR: Excellent sleeper pick there by DG! TRUE STORY: Hall and Oates played at halftime of the Eagles/Niners Monday Night Football game when the donkey shot the flare gun and we wore all green uniforms. I un-burned that from my memory.

CK: I'm doing this from my iPhone and it's really annoying. F

Linebacker

DG: “Sky is the Limit” by Notorious B.I.G. A+++++++. Anyone who doesn’t like this video should be disenfranchised.

ZWR: Remember Calbert Cheaney?


CK: I’ll see your Calbert Cheaney and raise you a Damon Bailey.

DG: Eric Mayberry and Todd Day = MayDay

CK: 40 minutes of hell ftw.


Cornerback
DG: Non-music video note: The Eagles paying Nnamdi millions and putting him in dumb zones is like buying a 60-inch flat screen, laying it on its side, and using it as your dinner table.

ZWR: Or using it as a ping pong table (actually that’s the opposite because playing ping pong on “Saved by the Bell the College Years” is straight up ALL-PRO).


CK: Or taking your O-line coach and making him the D-coordinator? I know lol. Frig this.

Safety
DG:My Prerogative” by Britney Spears. The original version by Bobby Brown is a better song, but Bobby Brown does not look nearly as good rolling around on a bed in white lingerie.

ZWR: Dude, this is a family bolg! Winner of the week - Bobby Brown’s socks in the “Every Little Step” video.

DG: Related Bobby Brown GIF from my Tumblr thingy.

CK: I was obsessed with B. Brown’s smash hit from Ghostbuster’s II “On Our Own”. A+ Too hot to handle to cold to hold.

DG: Donald Trump cameo FTW.

ZWR: One friday in grade school our teacher put Q102 on for art class and that came on and we all started rapping best moment of my life no child left behind.

Special Teams
ZWR: Pierogies are the jam, though I think we’re about ready for some with pepper jack inside. A pepper jack and hash brown pierogie. zOMG. And I’ll use a little pierogie branding iron to put my initials on it. Then I’ll watch the Clue movie.

DG:Hey Ladies” by the Beastie Boys. You guys, if this blogging thing doesn’t pan out, we should be the new hot white guy rap trio.

CK: A grilled cheese with pepper jack and hash brown pierogies inside and everything is topped with melted cheese and salsa.

Coaching
DG: I said something like this on Twitter, but the Eagles are so comically inept at this point that their only hope is for a hotshot lawyer to get a DUI and have a judge order him to coach the team as part of his community service.

ZWR: Wayne Gretzky had 92 goals and 120 assists in 1981.

CK: Go Raiders.

FIN.

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