Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Eagles Week Nine Report Card - with CK, DG, and ZWR


PREFACE: I was going to post this yesterday but was too miserable and then my stupid boss made me do stuff at work so I let it be but earlier today Danger sent me an impassioned plea to pull everyone out of the doldrums created with the Penn State mess (by reminding them of the Eagles season-crippling loss) so here goes. ENJOY!

Quarterback
ZWR: Oh screw everything I don’t give a crap anymore Vick should have thrown about nine interceptions and hits defensive linemen in the face with 50% of his screen passes. Okay that’s a lie, I do care... and it’s more like 60% of his screen passes. C- Oh, and go bite yourself Vince Young. FU

DG: I’m glad Mike Vick has adopted the McNabbian strategy of being awesome most of the time and then, every once in a while, playing like a pile of poop with a frowny face drawn on it. D

CK: Mike Vick looked great in the intros with Brian Urlacher. His confident wink gave me hope. His throws this week were not lasers. Or darts. More like cooked linguini. Also there’s a rumor floating he sent out dong shots to a sidepiece. C-

Running Back
ZWR: I’m in full-on misery mode; Shady is wasting one of the best years ever by an Eagles running back on a dog sh*t season. He’s so cool; I hope he gets a billionty in his new contract. Ronnie Brown managed to score a goalline touchdown without throwing the ball into the upper deck. Owen Schmitt had a solid game, for a guy that may not even be on the roster anymore. Who knows. B

DG: I think a funny show would be one called “Catch Shady” where you put LeSean McCoy and 100 regular shmucks in an airplane hangar, and offered $10,000 to anybody who tackled him. A

CK: Ronnie Brown is back! At least he’s on the stat sheet now. Shady, I <3 you. Nice return by Dion Lewis late in the game which elicited a premature “PRIMETIME” from me. I’m sorry I just can’t hold out until he scores any longer. B

Wide Receivers
ZWR: Yo no for real it’s a good thing we’re wasting a roster spot and spent free agent money on Steve Smith ($400,000 per reception on the season) when Dan Kordic was the starting weakside linebacker for the first six weeks of the season good call can never have too many weapons. DeSean’s punt return was pretty epic, though. He’s really having a great contract year.

DG: I’m going out to dinner tonight and I’m gonna get seriously WINE CLAPT. Just wanted you to know.

CK: I’m clearly not in a good mood. I could be wrong but Desean Jackson’s effort looked more like survival mode than anything. I understand you want to get paid but so do I and I still drive to work and hit potholes. It’s part of the gig. I don’t even know what that means. Where’s Riley Cooper? He was the target in the closing minutes of a playoff game last season and now he just covers kickoffs? Something stinks here. Probably Riley Cooper. C

DG: Serious note: Patrick Peterson’s 99-yard kickoff return was the best thing I saw all week. I wish we had more “guys who do stupid things that turn out awesome” and less “guys wh-NO DESEAN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP.”

Offensive Line
ZWR: Still no fires...

CK: Jason Kelce Hamcuzzi. A+

DG: Howard Mudd is still my favorite offensive live coach slash old-timey sea captain.


Defensive Line
ZWR: I’ve got an idea: let’s line our ends up on the sideline- outside of the corners. WIDE NINETEENIER. Killer death blow attack bomb fastball bullets from the perimeter. Of course, responsibility for the run game will fall more heavily on the linebackers, but that group’s solid. I know because the guy whose previous NFL expertise was teaching offensive lineman how to hold without getting caught told me they’re getting better and he likes that they’re young and youthful and all sixth round picks or below. Oh, this isn’t the linebacker section? Sorry it’s all just running together in my head, like 100 Earl Bennett jump ball catches.

DG: I like the D-line. I mean, I do miss Broderick Bunkley because he had a really fun name to say, but other than that these guys have been doing their thing. Speaking of fun names, did you know Temple has a linebacker named Blaze Caponegro? I vote we draft him immediately via battlefield promotion. B

CK: Free Philip Hunt. C

Linebacker
ZWR: I wish Seth Joyner would have stayed on the field and done the double-noggin knocker Bushwackers-style on Jamar Chaney and Moise Fokou.


DG: Stink. F

CK: Brian Rolle scored a sweet touchdown because I told him what to do. A; Other guys - ?

Cornerback
ZWR: I can’t wait until I’m old and can tell people, “Back in my day football players were men. Once I saw Asante Samuel play a whole game with his man parts sliced open.” Also thank you to DRC for my favorite moment of the season (It’s now time for the @DHM GIF OF THE WEEK, sponsored by Taylor brand Pork Roll):



DG: That’s it. I’ve had it with this team. We’ve got no short yardage game, no linebackers, our corners’ DING DONGS ARE FALLING OFF! C

CK: I’ve taken away DRC’s nickname of “nachos” indefinitely because nachos are way too cool to be affiliated with someone who doesn’t realize the guy he is covering has the ball and then decides to let him go like he’s covered in bird poop. Meh+

Safety
ZWR: Nate Allen got hurt and our second round (I think? I don’t know, and I’m not ambitious enough to look it up right now) draft pick finally made it on the field, and really didn’t do anything except fall on guys that were already being “tackled.” Whatever. C

DG: Kurt Coleman looks like a much better football player than he is. Dude’s straight out of defensive back central casting. We should trade him to Hollywood in exchange for Mila Kunis. (For non-football reasons.) C

CL: JKwon played. Whatever. Maybe when the Eagles honor Brian Dawkins they will have the team wear purple uniforms because that makes as much sense as not wearing kelly green on Buddy Ryan night. (You’re going to see me soapboxing about this topic a whole lot all over the place. I am livid.) N

Kicker
ZWR: Alex Henery’s foot must have been asleep or something. Remember that time Randall punted the ball 119 yards and it ruled? Chaz Henry did the absolute inverse of that for “punter doing quarterback stuff”. As it turns out, CHAZ throws like the fat guy on your flag football team that spends his weekends otherwise playing World of Warcraft and buying swords online.

CK: Maybe he has the drop foot.

DG: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: You just can’t win with two rookie kickers whose last names are homonyms.

CK: Chaz? Or Chas? Chazzzz. That would be cool actually. Chazzzz Henry-Henery. Nice throw bro. Here’s a tweet from last night that seemed to get a lot of play. PS - F

Coaching
ZWR: Juan Castillo

DG: Once the season is extended year-round, with two weeks off between every game, Andy Reid will be the new Lombardi. Until then, notsomuch.

CK: His face was so red it looked like he was under a rotisserie all night. LOL he wishes am I right? C


EPILOGUE: Oh yeah speaking of Penn State I'm going on Saturday and will tweet pictures if people start rioting or topple the JoePa statue or Urban Meyer crowd surfs from the press box down to the sideline and starts coaching (that's my prediction so I made it big as sh*t and blue!).

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for being the only thing that made me laugh today. I'm glad you posted this.

    -Penn Stater and Eagles Fan

    ReplyDelete

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