Monday, November 21, 2011

Eagles Week Vince Young Report Card


Eagles Week Vince Young Report Card - Now with 9% more WORDS!



“Quarterback”
ZWR: I hate Vince Young as much Vince Young loves Patron Silver. F.

Five Pete: HOOK ‘EM TEXAS TECH BABY GO AGGIES!

CK: Oh great. Five Pete’s back. Lotta good you did the Phillies. Take your voodoo shaman Boone’s Farm drinking Pall Mall smoking self back to Wildwood before you jinx Thanksgiving and the turkey gets burnt. Vince Young eight minute 4th quarter drive ftw dream team omg wait what Vince Young put a shirt on bro. C



DG: I missed the whole game because I was sick and I fell asleep at like 8pm with the covers pulled all the way up over my head like a 6-year-old. D.



That’s my quarterback! 



Running Backs
ZWR: Lesean had another big game with like I don’t know how many yards and that long run at the end of the game. But based on my scorekeeping at home, he also tallied approximately 29 unnecessary juke moves, so he probably should of had like 200 yards rushing if he didn’t ALWAYS move like one of those after-market video game controllers with the turbo lock button stuck on the juke command. B

CK: Seriously bro I was down like 10 points in fantasy and then McCoy broke that 60 yard run at the end and I was all “Yeahhhh I’m gonna win the week lol” and then he was all “omg I am soooo tired” and pulled a Steve Smith at the two yard line and then I was all “run one more play and score!” and then Andy was all “VICTORY FORMATION” and then Vince Young was all “hut hut hut imma go Tebowing” and I was like “Nooooo” and my friend Mike was like “LOL I WON” and I was all “Eagles suck bro screw you Shady screw this team.” (Disclaimer: This is not a first person account but I guarantee that really happened) A+



DG: I haven’t been able to breathe out of my nose for like three days because of this dumb, brutal head cold. Since I’m stuck breathing out of my mouth, I’ve been waking up around 3am every morning with a severe case of Sahara Mouth (Editor’s Note: I read that as Sarah McLachlan the first time). I try drinking water to remedy it, but since I’m not getting any air through my nose, I keep feeling like I’m suffocating every time I take more than one little sip at a time. It’s like my own private waterboarding. F.


Riley Coopers


ZWR: Riley Cooper had 5 catches for 75 yards, and won the hearts and minds of women and men alike with his flowing locks and graceful acrobatics. Especially those 3 times he ran the wrong route and/or Vince Young threw the wrong route and it looked like that show Sports Science with him diving all over the place at ridiculous angles just for the hell of it. In other news, Ya Boi had a big game, despite throwing the ball at the Giants’ defensive Coordinator’s crotch and gaining an epic penalty. B+

Your Racist Uncle: I can’t believe that kid Cooper’s been on the bench all season I tell you what I think he’s the best receiver on the team. You see the way he runs those routes? Kid’s got his head on straight unlike those other showboats mark my words if he gets a chance he’s going to shine... just like Gregg Garrity. Hey, speaking of that, you see my boy Chad Hall running the ball?!


CK: Every week I talk up Riley Cooper, but I don’t want his head getting too big. Lord knows after scoring one TD he’s going to need a new helmet, not to mention all of that hair. J/k Riley nice redemption broski but seriously practice the jump ball once in a while you are like 6 foot 12 you have to do a better job there. Also I just want to make it clear that Steve Smith’s first instinct was to drop to the turf at the 4 yard line on that score but no one was anywhere near him so his feet took over. For real watch the replay. He was leaning. B-



DG: I saw the highlight this morning where YA BOI caught the bomb and taunted the Giants bench. It was the best. He’s like a cute but mischievous puppy. A.


Offensive Line
ZWR: Evan Mathis got hurt and it made me realize I had no idea who Evan Mathis was until that point. Vince Young stinks. C+

CK: Jason Peters blocked three guys on one play. Also I didn’t see any Giants d-lineman starting any fights because they were all worried Danny Watkins will be mad at them in real life. A


DG: My sinuses are so congested and dry and gross that yesterday I blew my nose and blood came out. Stink. F.



Defensive Line

.GIF humbly borrowed from SB nation
ZWR: Cullen Jenkins nearly killed that guy, which was pretty awesome, and Jason Babin’s tribal tat caused a clutch late game fumble. But basically the biggest thing to come out of this game was the scared Eli Manning meme:


Courtesy of Dan McQuade on the Twitters. I'm not sure who made the first one, so whatever
A-


CK: Everyone gets a gold star for beating the Giants up after every play and also for making Eli scared poopless. A



DG: I’ve thought about it for a while, and I think the best real world comparison for Scared Eli Manning Face is an upper-middle class white lady from the suburbs who has ventured into the city to see a musical and is being approached by a homeless person on the sidewalk. A..



Linebackers

Name that Bird!
ZWR: Every single NFL football player, including this awful-to-mediocre group of guys is part of the 1%. Think about that today as you go about your daily routine. C?

CK: Not really sure what to say here. I can’t remember anything that bad. Sooo...ummm...Byron Evans dance?!





DG: Sunday morning I had three cups of coffee to try to wake up, but then I accidentally took nighttime cold medicine instead of daytime cold medicine. For the next few hours, my body raged between exhaustion and caffeinated hyperactivity. It was not fun. D+.


Secondary
ZWR: Taio Cruz had like 200 yards receiving and Nnamdi Asomugha seems to fall down or slip or get totally lost in coverage staring up at the sky like 30% of the time, which is not too good for his brand image as a shutdown A-1 billion dollar free agent signing


CK: I hate the Giants more than any other team in the land. Yes even you Dallas. Don’t get me wrong I still hate you. But I hate them more. It’s not you, it’s me. Hating them. A+



DG: Have you ever sat down and read the lyrics to “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz? Like, REALLY read them? Here’s the first verse:


I came to dance, dance, dance, dance
I hit the floor 'cause that's my plans, plans, plans, plans
I’m wearing all my favorite brands, brands, brands, brands
Give me some space for both my hands, hands, hands, hands


“Give me some space for both my hands” may be the single dumbest lyric ever committed to paper. Not quite as dumb as leaving a rookie safety one-on-one on Larry Fitzgerald on a crucial fourth quarter play, but close. Yes, I’m still bitter. C.


Juan Castillo
ZWR: Hasn’t slept a single minute since November 1.

CK: Thinks the chair splits at the dinner table aren’t wide enough.


DG: He should grow a mustache and start going by “John Castle.” Couldn’t hurt.


ZWR: ^ [likes this]



Officiating

"Please photoshop a Giants foam finger on my right hand."
ZWR: Solid, unbiased and totally competent. “Nice shot!” A+

CK: I missed the AMA’s but I would assume the highlights were:

Nicki Minaj’s butt, J-Lo’s butt, Mary J. Blige crying, Taylor Swift acting surprised, Katy Parry not being fun anymore, LMFAO party rocking, Bieber looking like Hillary Swank and Pitbull saying the same stuff over and over. Also something called Lady Antennabelly probably played the fiddle. C

DG: Yeah right, like J. Lo drives a Fiat, amirite?


CK: J Lo drives a Maserati. Her butt drives a Fiat. And her butt’s Fiat drives a Mini Cooper.



Chris Canty’s Helmet

ZWR: A-------------------------------------------- (one minus for each of its horizontal bars)

CK: I think he stole that helmet from the bad guy in Thor and painted it blue. B+

DG: With all those bars on his helmet, I bet he Cantyven see. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL [deep breath] LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL


ZWR: Concur


Man, this was really great. Go Birds!!!!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. The B&E makes everything better.

    Of course, if Sir Byron played for Reid, he'd be converted to full back.

    Or punt return guy because he flashed once against the Giants.

    Moron.

    ReplyDelete

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