What was intended to serve as a helpful, definitive guide to Thanksgiving dining- collaboratively developed by my crack staff and esteemed colleagues- devolved (not surprisingly) into complete and unbridled absurdity. Frankly, I'm shocked. Or the opposite. Anyway, it's the offseason and I'm posting this from the airport and it rules, so enjoy:
ZWR: Pumpkin Pie > Stuffing > Dark Meat > Biscuits > Cranberry Sauce (Whole Berry) > Green Bean Casserole > Yams (w/ marshmallows) > White Meat > Apple Pie > Mashed Potatoes > Cranberry Sauce (Jelly) > Yams (w/o marshmallows) > Food Coma > Brussel Sprouts > Lions Game
Petz Razor: This whole list is bull(poop) because yams and sweet potatoes aren’t the same thing. Yams suck (things) and Sweet Pots rule. I’m doing this under protest.
Stuffing > Pumpkin Pie > White Meat > Cranberry Sauce (Whole Berry) > SWEET POTATOES > SWEET POTATOES (w. marshmallows) > Dark Meat > Mashed Potatoes > Biscuits > Green Bean Casserole > Food Coma > Lions Game > Brussel Sprouts > Cranberry Sauce (Jelly) > Apple Pie > Yams ((darn) YAMS.)
Alex Reardon: I just wanted to type in pink font. But the thing is I just have a list of things I like and don’t like. HOW can you choose between Sweet Potatoes and Cranberry Sauce?? This is the hardest thing I’ve done all semester. I’ve never had Green Bean Casserole too.. And who are the Lions?? Like do you cuddle up with a stuffed one during the Food Coma? Or is it some sort of sports team?? Oh nevermind... they play football.
CK: WHY AM I PINK SON OF BITCHES FIX PLZ LOLOL HI ALEX
ZWR: Because you’re a sissy lol stereotypes
CK: So are you Pinkston you turkey
ZWR: Girl you Tryptophaning
CK: BRB busy with panini
Vince: CK, you’re Mr. Pink. Just like him, you don’t tip.
CK: That’s a boldfaced lie. Everyone knows I’m an excellent tipper.
Reardon: You boys are weird.
DG: HI ZWR AND CRANKY AND PEZRAW AND VINCE THE BREWERS AND REARDONK!
ZWR: This is devolving beautifully
Vince: Petz, why are you so angry at a vegetable?
Reardon: Sweet Potatoes are a million times better.
Vince: It’s a US law that anything labeled Yams also has to have sweet potatoes on it. > David Bell.
Reardon: You’re full of it.
Vince: Im serious, that’s true.
CK: You’re all idiots. No one has gravy on their list. Do you put gravy on top of pretty much all of that stuff you listed? Of course you do. Unless you’re some kind of anti-gravy terrorism apologist weirdo. Boobs.
GRAVY > Stuffing (omg my mom makes two types of stuffing and one has sausage in it) > turkey any color I don’t discriminate > mashed potatoes > ravioli (on Thanksgiving? YUP) > biscuits > string beans in olive oil > candied yams > cranberry sauce > pumpkin pie > belt hole adjustment > wine > sofa > the way the house smells when you walk in > Lions throwbacks > no elbow room at the table > pass the pepper > don’t feed the dog any turkey he’ll get the runs > High school Turkey Bowl > go move grandmom’s car she parked in the middle of the street > Leon Lett
PS - Homemade gobblers + college football on Friday in sweatpants > all of it.
DG: I just want to point out that mashed potatoes are dumb because you can have them any time. Stuffing (like, REAL stuffing) is an absolute treasure and should be treated as such. Also, once Thanksgiving dinner is over, that means Christmas is starting and I will watch the Muppet Christmas Carol movie 100 times.
HEY SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS, in the song “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree,” when Brenda Lee says “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie, and we’ll do some caroling,” it totally sounds like “Later we’ll have some f*ckin’ pie.” Go ahead, listen to it now. I'll wait.
Right? You’ll never unhear that now.
In conclusion, here is the final definitive list:
Stuffing > biscuits > wine > lasers > pumpkin pie > turkey > Barry Sanders highlights on Youtube > naps > leftovers for days > songs with secret swear words in them > gravy > James Bond and/or Godfather marathons on cable > cranberry sauce > vegetables > mashed potatoes > “How’s the job hunt going? Are you really making enough money blogging to get by? What do you mean ‘For now’? You aren’t thinking of doing that as a real job, are you? What about your law degree?! And where is this blog? Can we read it?”
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!