Friday, December 30, 2011

Holy Butt! It's a Picture of the Naked Native Roy Halladay Saved from the Anaconda in the Amazon!

Dude, did you see the ninth comment in the post below? Yeah yeah yeah well if you didn't it was by Dan O'Sullivan, who works with fishing champion Skeet Reese, and he was on the infamous Amazon trip.

"Oh yeah cool ZWR that's awesome but the story's insane enough what does Dan add to it???"



This is without a doubt the greatest day ever the end I'm gonna go drink some beers you don't beat this. Thanks Dan!

Bonus: Roy looking awesomeface with a 59 pound Brazilian Razormouth Bass:

He caught this with his will alone, mind you


Oh hellllll nawww

ZWR enthusiast Amy sent along a fascinating link last night concerning our hero Roy Halladay. The story's about a little fishing trip that HLHIII went on earlier this month with buddies Chris Carpenter (who I assume threw his line so well that neither the fish nor water were able to make any sort of solid contact with his gear), laughably rich lefty B.J. Ryan, and professional angler Skeet Reese.

Thumbs Up!

Only this trip was to the Amazon. Yeah, that Amazon. 

Like, in the wild Amazon with seven-legged alligators and giant killer fish and SyFy movie plots just waiting to happen everywhere. 

And then this happened:
Me and Doc Halladay even came across a local, sitting bare naked on a tree by the river. What we were able to figure out is that he was fishing in the river for tropical fish to sell for aquariums when he got attacked by an anaconda.
The snake apparently bit him on the [butt] but he was able to free himself before the snake wrapped him up. Instead the snake wrapped around his motor on the back of his little 14 foot dugout canoe and tore it off the back of his boat. Doc and I helped him gather his gear and flip the boat back over and then towed him home.

I'd just like to pause for a moment and reflect on this totally true, not-made-up-by-ZWR story.

Roy Halladay, Phillies ace, tireless humanitarian, workout warrior and bolg muse is BATTLING GIANT DEADLY ANACONDAS IN THE AMAZON DURING THE OFFSEASON. I can now never quit this bolg. You know that, right? Also, local natives are now left to ponder the circumstance that led to a puzzling face-less anaconda in their waters.

And yes, B.J. Ryan totally would have blown the save.


Thursday, December 29, 2011

Charlie Learns About the Winter Classic

a Cranekicker End of Year Special

Hey I’m bored anyone wanna go with me to see Roy run up and down the steps again for a little bit I heard he’s out there.

Sure why not it’s only the end of December yet you demand that we all show up here every day and do nothing.

Now don’t go gettin fresh like it’s the first bird that gets to eat worms when he wants to now let’s go watch Roy.

Sounds awesome.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay ™ 2011 Man of the Year

To be honest, one would have to admit that the life of a professional baseball player is more often than not a charmed endeavor. While factors such as intense competition for roster positions, long trips away from family, and unrelenting public scrutiny come with the job, so do the others we often shortly come back to- namely money, fame, and power. Throw in the ability to "retire" in your thirties and faced with the trade-offs few would decline the offer.

A modern day major league superstar fares even better than his peers of privilege, as he sits not only in the glories of accomplishment, but does so with eight-figure salaries spelled out in nine-figure contracts. Tuck a copy away in the Caribbean retreat to show guests as the ultimate party favor. Or, if it better suits you, just buy your own island and retreat to the oasis for the months preceding your six week Florida beach tune-up known as Spring Training.

But one man, firmly entrenched with (arguably heading) the elite stands apart. You see, he turned down that nine figure-contract and took less money just for the chance to play in the baseball Utopia that is Philadelphia and its perennially achieving Phillies franchise. While other major leaguers are bastions of selfishness (Jose Reyes, formerly of the bankrupt New York Mets, last season removed himself from a game in the first inning to assure a batting crown rather than risk a fair outcome... and was rewarded with his nine-figure deal from the marauding Marlins of luxury tax island), this man buys his teammates luxury goods to thank them for sharing in his individual greatness. He is different.

And so it came as no surprise that on a 29 degree December morning, while the great spectacle that is the Bridgestone NHL Winter Classic preparations saw an ice hockey rink being constructed on the field of Philadelphia's Citizens Bank Park, Roy Halladay emerged in shorts and a workout top to continue his training for the upcoming season. With each long toss, he likely harkened back to last season's emotional ending, when his teammates were unable- on that very field- to capitalize on the one-run gem he pitched in Game 5 of the National League Division Series. But dwelling isn't what makes heroes. They, like Halladay, make themselves.

Roy Halladay is the uncompromised duality of excellence and hard work, and he is the I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay ™ 2011 Man of the Year.


See also:  Roy Halladay Named ZWR's 2010 Man of the Year

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Charlie Reads the Team a Christmas Story


Hey guys like come on over here by the fire I got like this storybook tale to read y’all and stuff.


You know it’s what I like to call, “The Night Before Christmas.” It’s an American book so you might never heard of it.


De stawking look pree-teee Choddy

Mine’s is the bloody one- I’m a hero! Hey check out my podcast...

Go Win This

(Editor's Note: Hey kids, have you ever played fantasy basketball before only to realize it's pretty dumb and two weeks into the season you're looking at your team and are like "Wait what who are the Charlotte Thundercats? Is Alonzo Mourning still there?" Well then we've got the solution for that quasi-competitiv urge: a one day hoops league/contest/challenge thingy. You can read what the donkeys from TiqIQ told me to post below, but the long and short of it is you get to build a team under a salary cap just for the Christmas games and if you win you get free sports tickets and maybe some cash money skrilla. Furthermore, I'ma tell them to tell me who does best of the ZWR entrants - their computers can track that or something - and give that person a shirt, too. Okay, on to the official partner client communications!)

Join us for the TiqIQ/ FanDuel Christmas Day Give Away!

If you’re into basketball, we’ve got the perfect holiday gift for you: A FREE FanDuel fantasy basketball online game based on the NBA games played on Christmas. Build a roster of NBA players from the X-Mas Day games, and see how you do!

It’s free to register and play, and FanDuel is giving away a share of $500 to the top game performers. To make this holiday treat sweeter, TiqIQ will award a pair of tickets to the overall game winner to see their favorite team in action during the regular season.

Good Luck!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The 2011 ZWR Definitive Holiday Gift Guide

No intro, kids, because this is serious business. Let's get to it.

Mylec Goalie Pads

Honest, I need these. You can’t have a real hockey game without at least one goalie and Angelo’s the only other kid with them so he and I would get to goalie every single game in the neighborhood. Plus, these are way cheaper than real pads but very protective (you always say that you don’t want me to get hurt) and won’t even get too scuffed up on concrete or the street or at the rink. Oh and I can paint them like Hextall’s.

The YELLOW Sony Walkman

This Walkman beats my old crappy one because it’s for SPORTS and it looks cooler and the radio’s way better. You can drop it and it still plays your tape because there’s a latch, and it’s totally more sturdy. The buttons are even covered in some protective rubber thing so they don’t wear down- I can hardly even rewind anymore on mine and that wouldn’t happen with this. Also, this is very important- IF you get me this you have to please make sure to get the matching wire earphones. I’d look like a total dork with a boss Walkman and dad’s earphones.

Sir Charles Chalk Line Jacket

Remember how last year you got me the Sixers Starter Parka? Well this one’s just as cool but it’s BARKLEY. And it’s lighter so I can wear my parka in the winter and then this in the Spring. Plus Chalk Lines are really artsy and they go so well with Cavaricci’s I could totally wear it to school and church.

M.U.S.C.L.E Toys

What do you mean “what are they”? No, they’re not “pencil erasers”! You wrestle them! They’re all different guys. I don’t know I think they’re from Japan. Dude c’mon look at them one guy has six arms and one’s a square and one has cinderblock hands they rule just get me like seventy of them please.

A Lacrosse Stick

Remember that Wings game we went to and how much fun it was? Plus if we use a tennis ball we can goalie in those Mylec pads I want, and you just use your normal hockey gloves (or cut the hands out of old ones) and helmet so it’s not like I’d need all new equipment. Also, all the rich kid schools play lacrosse so if I get into one of them or we move I can play on the high school team. I think the two kinds are BRINE and STIXX.

Guns N’ Roses Use Your Illusion

It makes sense since I’m asking for that new Walkman plus this is my favorite band. This kind of music isn’t going anywhere, either, because there’s no one to challenge them. I really want both tapes, but if you can’t do that make sure you get the one with “November Rain” and “Don’t Cry”.

Pogo Bal

Pogo bal is what they call it
When you hoppin’ and a boppin’ everywhere
Pogo bal is what they call it
You’re gonna leave it in the yard when it’s out of air

1989 Upper Deck Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie Card

I NEED this card, because basically it’s the greatest investment/status symbol in modern history. I mean, Ken Griffey’s kid is going to be the greatest baseball player EVER, and this is like the rarest card he’ll ever have. There’s only like 100 in existence!

And remember what Aunt Stella said about how her brothers threw out all those Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle cards and how they’re now all worth like hundreds of thousands of dollars?! Well, if you get me this baseball card I'll probably never have to work a day in my life when I'm an adult. Especially in some sort of ho-hum cubicle job that leaves me intellectually and creatively unfulfilled. I’ll be independently wealthy!—set for life-- so in the future I’ll be able to devote all my time to doing funny Photoshops and silly creative writing exercises to try and draw traffic to an offbeat website about a kid from Colorado.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Eagles Week Before Christmas Report Card

ZWR: Vick did a swell enough job or whatever what with his passes to Celek and his touchdown run and his not getting his body broken or throwing any passes into linemen’s butt cheeks. B+

CK: It’s fun when you watch the game with a bunch of people and Vick is running and everyone is going “slide...SLIDE...SLIDE!” and then out of nowhere someone goes “slide slide slippity slide...[mumbles the words wrong]” - it’s the greatest. Grade: B

DG: Remember after the dog fighting scandal broke and that one reporter pressed Vick about it and his entire response was, “Man, everybody love Mike Vick”? I loved that. A.


(Pic by Adam Kimelman of the NHL)


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Charlie Goes Christmas Shopping (by ZWR and Crane Kicker)

Hey guys what’s goin on so I gotta like get some Christmas presents and stuff but ain’t that good at shoppin alone so do any of you wanna go to the mall or strip plaza?


No man not like that c’mon Burl I’m talkin like shoppinplexes not peek shows.

I goatee de mall weetchu Choddy!

You got Christmas up there in Mexico Winston???

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Phillies sign Dontrelle Willis

A Cranekicker Hot Stove Special

Okay everyone listen up - I have an announcement to make. We just signed Dontrelle Willis. I feel like he will add a nice piece to our pitching staff and will completely out-perform the contract that I just had him agree to without really talking to him. Stick around for a bit, we're going to send him a little warm Philly welcome over the webcam.

So you want us to boo him?

Oh please. Don't start already with that. Get to rehab before I decide to sign Prince Fielder and ship you off to Pittsburgh.

ZWR In the Wild (Charity Santa Drunk Run Edition)

Thanks to tweeter Spacely Sprocket for pointing out the dapper, charitable Donkey Claus he spotted on You can probably see these guys later in the week playing Quizzo in Northern Liberties or over the weekend at an ugly sweater party. The ZWR guy will be drinking high balls while his boys pound PBR double deuces or yell "It's the champagne of beers!" whilst toasting High Life bottles (Editor's Note: I'm totally jealous of your freedom).

No but for serious good work bros on the charity stuff and having such a fashion-forward buddy.

PostScript: Turns out our hero is Kyle. Thanks to Twitter for confirming as much like 43 seconds after I posted this... you scare and fascinate me.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Phillies Players (and Alums) as Classic Holiday Films, by ZWR and Crane Kicker

Ross Gload is Jingle All the Way
Terrible, stiff, and pretty much painful to watch every time. No matter how many times you throw it up there, this isn’t going to come through in a pinch.

Ruben Amaro, Jr. is Scrooged
RAJ, aka The Ghost of Smuggies Past, is seemingly cold-hearted and ruthless, but there is a spirited, kind soul buried deep down in there. Probably. Maybe.

This photoshop freaks me out

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Phil E. Moose Photoshop Meme #HOOVESUP

(Are you allowed to create your own meme and call it that? How does this work--are there rules for this sort of thing? Anyway, I digress--)

In light of my official endorsement of Phil E. Moose as the Sixers new mascot, I felt it appropriate to creatively acknowledge the absurdity of a moose being named a mascot for Philadelphia sports franchise by placing said moose in random scenes where at first blush he would seem out of place, but upon further inspection seemed totally amazing and perfect.

As such, I present to you now photoshops of Phil E. Moose in totally ridiculous places:


As always, feel free to join the fun and submit your Phil E. Moose photoshops. Email me at zoowithroy-AT-gmail-DOT-com or send them to me via Twitter. If you want credit for your work, add a watermark.

I kind of like this thing where just happens to appear in random scenes and occurences throughout history, but you may wish to take a different approach.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: HOOVES UP, VOTE MOOSE.


From Kristi. Not the best technical execution, but made me laugh

From Marc. Subtle.

From Mark with a K Magowan, via Twitter

From Drew, via Twitter
Updated again!! 12.10.11 

From Tom

From Adam, who totally does NOT attend a Jesuit University

From WheelsFellOff

From WheelsFellOff

From WheelsFellOff

From WheelsFellOff
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