Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The 2011 ZWR Definitive Holiday Gift Guide

No intro, kids, because this is serious business. Let's get to it.

Mylec Goalie Pads

Honest, I need these. You can’t have a real hockey game without at least one goalie and Angelo’s the only other kid with them so he and I would get to goalie every single game in the neighborhood. Plus, these are way cheaper than real pads but very protective (you always say that you don’t want me to get hurt) and won’t even get too scuffed up on concrete or the street or at the rink. Oh and I can paint them like Hextall’s.

The YELLOW Sony Walkman

This Walkman beats my old crappy one because it’s for SPORTS and it looks cooler and the radio’s way better. You can drop it and it still plays your tape because there’s a latch, and it’s totally more sturdy. The buttons are even covered in some protective rubber thing so they don’t wear down- I can hardly even rewind anymore on mine and that wouldn’t happen with this. Also, this is very important- IF you get me this you have to please make sure to get the matching wire earphones. I’d look like a total dork with a boss Walkman and dad’s earphones.

Sir Charles Chalk Line Jacket

Remember how last year you got me the Sixers Starter Parka? Well this one’s just as cool but it’s BARKLEY. And it’s lighter so I can wear my parka in the winter and then this in the Spring. Plus Chalk Lines are really artsy and they go so well with Cavaricci’s I could totally wear it to school and church.

M.U.S.C.L.E Toys

What do you mean “what are they”? No, they’re not “pencil erasers”! You wrestle them! They’re all different guys. I don’t know I think they’re from Japan. Dude c’mon look at them one guy has six arms and one’s a square and one has cinderblock hands they rule just get me like seventy of them please.

A Lacrosse Stick

Remember that Wings game we went to and how much fun it was? Plus if we use a tennis ball we can goalie in those Mylec pads I want, and you just use your normal hockey gloves (or cut the hands out of old ones) and helmet so it’s not like I’d need all new equipment. Also, all the rich kid schools play lacrosse so if I get into one of them or we move I can play on the high school team. I think the two kinds are BRINE and STIXX.

Guns N’ Roses Use Your Illusion

It makes sense since I’m asking for that new Walkman plus this is my favorite band. This kind of music isn’t going anywhere, either, because there’s no one to challenge them. I really want both tapes, but if you can’t do that make sure you get the one with “November Rain” and “Don’t Cry”.

Pogo Bal

Pogo bal is what they call it
When you hoppin’ and a boppin’ everywhere
Pogo bal is what they call it
You’re gonna leave it in the yard when it’s out of air

1989 Upper Deck Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie Card

I NEED this card, because basically it’s the greatest investment/status symbol in modern history. I mean, Ken Griffey’s kid is going to be the greatest baseball player EVER, and this is like the rarest card he’ll ever have. There’s only like 100 in existence!

And remember what Aunt Stella said about how her brothers threw out all those Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle cards and how they’re now all worth like hundreds of thousands of dollars?! Well, if you get me this baseball card I'll probably never have to work a day in my life when I'm an adult. Especially in some sort of ho-hum cubicle job that leaves me intellectually and creatively unfulfilled. I’ll be independently wealthy!—set for life-- so in the future I’ll be able to devote all my time to doing funny Photoshops and silly creative writing exercises to try and draw traffic to an offbeat website about a kid from Colorado.


  1. November Rain and Don't Cry FTW

  2. If I don't get a Dyno Detour I might have to shank a bitch.

  3. holy poop, I haven't seen those muscle men things in years. I forgot they existed, they were the best.

  4. I just want some POGS =[

  5. I just like that you referred to Halladay as a "kid from Colorado".

  6. those are all amazing.
    Grif - GOAT.
    we need to get X or E or S those pads so we can rifle wristers at them.


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