Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Charlie Goes Christmas Shopping (by ZWR and Crane Kicker)


Hey guys what’s goin on so I gotta like get some Christmas presents and stuff but ain’t that good at shoppin alone so do any of you wanna go to the mall or strip plaza?

 Strippers?!?!

No man not like that c’mon Burl I’m talkin like shoppinplexes not peek shows.

I goatee de mall weetchu Choddy!

You got Christmas up there in Mexico Winston???

 

I fron Domeencan Choddy, not Maaco

Domonican?!

Someone call my name?
What’s good, everybody? We going shoppin?

Where’d you come from?

Aww man, I’ve been here all offseason skip, in the gym--
you know, workin on these abs.
*flexes* /takes iPhone pic

Abs...You should be like working on your A.B.’s, son, not your abs. 

LOL good one, Cholly. Stupid rook.

Hush up Burl we’ve all seen those photos of you with yer butt hangin out maybe YOU should be workin on your applecore. Anyway no Donomic you can’t come you’re not ready yet.

I hate all of you. 

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP DONOVAN IT WILL GET BETTER I WAS TAKEN IN THE FIVE RULE DRAFT IT ALL WORKED OUT NOW I’M THE FLYIN HAWAIIAN AND PLAY CENTERFIELD FOR THE PHILLIES OH MY GOD SKIP I AM IN CAN WE GET ORANGE JULIUS?

MEEEEEE TOOOOOO! LAAAA LALALALALALALALA LA LETTTTT’S GO SHOPPPPING! I’LLLLL BRIINGGG MY MAAAACY’S CAAAAARRRD FOR TWENTY PERCENT OFFFFFFF! 

Good idea right there and all gettin us like a discount ...

STOP F*$%KING SINGING. Besides, saving money’s for b****es and losers. 

Seriously? I’m the one guy you negotiate with, ever?

He’s got a point, Rube!


My bust. Off to rehab. Byeeeeee.

Alright enough whoever is like comin let’s go I mean the car’s out front and stuff and I got satellite dish radio in it so we can sing songs about Christmas and stuff.

SHOTGUN!


Imagining you idiots in a car singing Christmas carols led by Bing Crosby over there has made me extremely thankful to be half Jewish. Have fun. If you need me, don’t.

BUTTTT RUBEN I WOULDDD LOVEEEE YOU TO JOINNN USSSSS! DRAAADLE DRAAADLE DRAAAAAAADLE OHHHH HOW I’VE MADDDDE YOU OUTTTT OF CLAAAAAAYYYY!

Yeah me too! Dradle dradle dradle with dradle I shall play! Take it Rube!

And you are....?

Michael Schwimer.

The pointing at the sky guy? Yeah no. Don’t talk to me. Later.

SUCH A SCRRROOOOOOOGGGE!

 
<♫♫♫ OHHHH WHAT FUNNNN IT ISSS TO RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE - OHHHH LOOOK WE HATH ARRRIVED AT OUR SHOPPPING DESTINATIOOOOONNNNN ♫♫♫ >

OMG YOU GUYS HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT MOVIE THE SANTA CLAUSE WITH AN E GET IT IT’S GREAT NOT AS GOOD AS SANTA PAWS BUT PROBABLY BETTER THAN INCEPTION I DIDN’T GET THAT ONE AT ALL LOL ANYWAY I HOPE WE SEE SAN--
--OHMYGOD LOOOOOK IT’S SANTA CLAUS I  LOVE HIM CHARLIE ILL BE RIGHT BACK I GOTTA PUT ON MY CHRISTMAS OUTFIT AND GET MY TROMBONE SO I CAN PLAY HIM A SONG

SANTA SANTA SANTA I WANT A RED RIDER B.B. GUN LOL SIKE JUST KIDDING I REALLY WANT A NEW CONTRACT FOR MY FRIEND JIMMY AND A NEW XBOX WII KINECT FOR THE CLUBHOUSE AND A SHIRT LIKE THE ONE PAPELBON IS WEARING SO WE CAN PLAY DRESS UP I CAN ALSO BE A DANCING WIZARD LOL NIPPLE SHEER

THE SHIRRRRT THE SHIRRRRT YOUR KINGDOMMM FOR THIS SHIRRRRT!

Shay Vicorio aisk for iguana too!

Ew Carlo that’s like gross I seen Ace Pantera I know that like iguana means bat poop what the heck you gonna do with bat poop it ain’t like literal like for a baseball bat that’s pine tar.

Dude check that sweet North Face backpack over at Nordstrom nobody’s looking I’m taking it.

I think you can make it! Go go go!

Yes, because if we’ve learned anything of late it’s that you should continue to haphazardly attempt to steal bags.

You totally just explained the joke, bro, thereby diluting its efficacy. 

STILL, SICK BURN.

Thank you.

IIIIII’VE BEEEN CAUGHT STEALLLINNGGG OOONNNCE WHEN I WAS FIIIIIVE. I ENJOYYY STEALLLLLINGGG IT’S JUST AAAASSSS SIMPLE AAAASSSS THATTTTT.

WOAH SICK PORNO FOR PYROS REFERENCE!

ITTTT’S JANNNNNEEEE’S ADDDDICTIIIONNNN YOU IDDDDDDIOTTTTT!

Oh.

BRRRRR RA DA DA DA DA DA DA DOOOOOOOO WAP BA BA BA DAAAAAAAAA BOOOOOWW!!!!!!!

Who in the Sam hell is Jane? 
You know like what are you guys even doin? 
Why’s Shane got a trumpet and ball huggers on?

It’s a cello!  

You think everything is wrapped in cello-phane, tubby.
*cell phone rings*
Yeah, this is Piece.

I swear to God I’ll drive you to Pittsburgh myself and stuff that big face so full of Primanti’s your entire body will explode into a $125 million heap of weak ground balls and backwards K’s. Then I’ll make Jared from Subway eat it all up before I put him in a f***ing casket too, just for added effect.

 
Yep. Off to rehab. Byeeeeeeee.
*hangs up phone, disappears*

 
Mmmm.... jello.

Bro, get it together. You keep this up and you’re going to look like the Kool-Aid guy.

Too late. 
Check this out:



Seriously.... do you really carry that picture around with you to show people?

Uh yeah of course I do it’s awesome.

Hey what’s Burl doin here again? And Papelbone, change that dang shirt you look like a combo of Bobby Atreyu and a funeral home doily. I knew this was gon be a bad idea. I shoulda just stayed back at the clubhouse and watched Demonic work on his beach muscles.

OH HOWWW I WISH THEY ALLLLLLL COULD BE CALIFORNIAAAAAA
..... ..... GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS.
They got a GNC here, bros? I need some Muscle Milk, kid.

THAT SOME KIND OF JOKE, YOU PUNK A**? 
I’LL KICK YOUR SWOLLEN B*TCH FACE DOWN YOUR THROAT. 
COME AT ME, ESSAY.

I mean... I mean... uh, yeah, there’s one on the second floor, right next to Spencer’s

Do they have a Disney store here?

No joke bro I really did boink a mermaid. Not some actress, either. A real one.
Came close to bagging an actual princess, too. *sigh* One day...

UPPPP WHERE THEY WALLLLK, UPPPP WHERE THEY RUUNNNN, UPPPP WHERE THEY PLAYYYY ALLLL DAYYYY IN THE SUNNNN. WANDERINNNNG FREEE. OHHH HOW I WISHHHH I COULDDDD BEEEE. PARRRRRT OOFFFFF THATTTTT WORRRRRRLD.

Bu feeesh eeen de bowl es looky
Deys eeen for a woooser faiiiit
Onday when de boss gait hungreee
Gaswho gon' be on de plate

Awww heck with this, I’m goin home. I hate Christmas anyway.


<♫♫♫ ANNND A ONNNNE ANNNND A TWOOO.... ITTTTTT’S BEGINNNING TO LOOOK A LOOOOTTTT LIKE CHRRRISSSTMASSSSSS.... TAKE IT CHARRRRLIEEEE! ♫♫♫ >

9 comments:

  1. Excellent. The Kool Aid thing made me guffaw.

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  2. You and Crane have been killingggg it this week. Keep up the good work!

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  3. Fantastic. Everything, well except for that Pap picture-it will give me nightmares.

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  4. I just got fired from LOLing all over the office.

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  5. excellent work but please explain the papelbon shirt / singing jawn? holler

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  6. Funny thing is I saw Charlie at Nordstroms in Cherry Hill Mall on Saturday. Said hi, didn't get a picture. It's pretty funny that not many people realized it was him. He's a tower.

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  7. True story: I sold Charlie Under Armour underwear at Modell's in the Cherry Hill Mall. Got him to sign up for an MVP card, too. Billy Wagner came in that day too. He was mean tho.

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  8. Love the reference to Primanti's.

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