Thursday, December 22, 2011

Charlie Reads the Team a Christmas Story


by ZWR and CRANEKICKER

Hey guys like come on over here by the fire I got like this storybook tale to read y’all and stuff.

OH MY GOD DUDE I LOVE FRIES AND STORIES AND CHRISTMAS WHICH ONE IS IT CHARLIE HUH HUH HUH?

You know it’s what I like to call, “The Night Before Christmas.” It’s an American book so you might never heard of it.


BORRRRRRINGGGGGGGGG.

De stawking look pree-teee Choddy

Mine’s is the bloody one- I’m a hero! Hey check out my podcast...

Shut up, Roenick. Thanks, Winston. Now listen you lunkheads, Im’a read this now so pipe down.
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the clubhouse
Not a creature was stirring...

Maaa-a-a-a-a maaaa-a-a-a-a

Now dangit like where’d that goat come from???

Haha Choddy, Meetch es sturring, he like the book es hees faybrit.

Not even a mouse
The stockings were hung like there by the chimney with care,
In hopes, like, St Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

I love sugar. 

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

I’ll get in momma’s kerchief but ain’t wearing no cap.

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap...

I settled my brain for a long nap one winter. It wasn’t the night before Christmas though. It was the night before New Years Day. I shotgunned a gallon of jungle juice out of a hookers boot without eating dinner and woke up four days later in the basement of a Mummers Club with my face painted like Darth Maul.

Ahahaha I remember that Pat I only had one chardonnay and STILL woke up four days later wearing Princess Leia’s bikini outfit what a great time we gotta hang soon bro.

Chu prawnbly gait rooby agayn Jawn Bolaree.


I once knew a girl named Ruby. She could put her...


AY NOW THAT’S LIKE ENOUGH LIKE THIS IS A CHRISTMAS TIME STORY FOR KIDS AND Y’ALL ARE LIKE BEIN NAUGHTY AND STUFF NOW CUT IT! BOLERO - YOU GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE. BURL YOU SIT DOWN IN THE FRONT WHERE I CAN SEE YA AND LIKE NOT ANOTHER WORD ABOUT NO PROMETHEUS TYPES OF LADIES YOU GOT IT?

AHHHH HAAAAAA PETER PAUL RUBENS PEE WEE HERMAN PAINTED THAT CHOOSY MOMS CHOOSE JIF PAT’S ON THE NAUGHTY LIST PAT’S ON THE NAUGHTY LIST PAT’S ON THE NAUGHTY LIST HEY CHARLIE AM I ON THE NAUGHTY LIST NO RIGHT OF COURSE NOT LOL.

No like you ain’t on the naughty list but if you keep like scaring people with them t-shirts that have like skulls and fireballs and like shiny devil colors on em you might be on it next year.

Why is everyone always making fun of my shirts?

Don be sad Chane. Mybee Santos Closs weel breeng chu a nice Ole Naybee preforman fleece. 

ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Is this cat for real?

GLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIAAAAAAAA! INNNN EXCELSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS DEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO!

PAMPELBONG CAN CHU SEENG AWAY IN DE MAINJER NEST?!

AWWWAAAY INN A MANGERRRR NO CRIB FOR HISSS BEDDDDD THEEE LITTLEE LORD JEEEEESUS LAYYYY DOWNNN HIS SWEEEET HEEEEEADDDDDD.

That’s my cue. Goodnight bros.

Boras. Scott Boras. Get me his number. Why? Don’t worry about why just get me his number. Send over a box of ear plugs in the meantime. Yah thanks. Late.

Are we getting milk and cookies or not?

Ay Meetch comb here Cole Haymel want sum meelk

Maaaaaaaa-a-a-a-a

EW NO GA-ROSSS!

Are there any Christmas songs about mermaids?

Herrrre we go........

We’re out of cookies.

Why am I not surprised YOU’RE the one to make that announcement?

Shut up!

You’re seriously not going to be happy until you’re on the f***ing Pirates, are you?

There are mermaids in the Pirate movies I’m just saying.

HEY ARE WE GONNA FINISH THIS STORY OR NOT I WANNA PUT MY PJ’S ON COME ON CHARLIE FINISH IT HEY WHERE’S CHARLIE AT CHARRRRRRRLLLLLIIIIEEEE WHERE ARE YOOOOOOUUUU?

He left.

WHAT HE LEFT WHAT FOR WHY?

Because I have clearly assembled a collection of dolts. I’m leaving too. I swear to God you clowns better know how to win.

I think I can dive into that fireplace and steal one of those logs, no problem.

Don do it Chains Utley put up de stop sigh Juan!

You can make it no probleim, Chase.

Go ahead, but YULE be sorry...


A hahahahahahaha

BUT WHO’S GOING TO FINISH THE STORY AND SAVE CHRISTMAS?!?!

Hey guys I’m still here I’ll read it do you have a teleprompter?

No offense but you scare me.

MEEEE TOOOO JOHNNNNN BOLLLLLLLLLLARIS. THISSSSS PARTY ISSSS OVERRRR. SENNNNND INNNN THE CLOWWWWWNNNNSSSS.

But baaaaby it’s cold outside...

BUTTTT I REALLLY CANNNNN’T STAYYYYYYYY

Baaaaby it’s cold outside...

IIIIII’VE GOT TO GOOOO AWAYYYYYYY

Papsy it’s cold outside...

BUT THHEEE NEIGHBORS MIIIIIGHT THIIIINNNNNK....

Baby it’s bad out there

SAYYYYYY WHAT’S IN THISSSS DRINNNKKK?

Ummmmm… no cabs to be had out there.

SEEERIOUSLY JOHNNN BOLARRRISSS WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY DRINK I SEE THREEEE OF YOUUUUUU?

AAAAAAAAAH BUT IT’S COOOOOOOLD OOOOOOOOOUTSIIIIIIIIIIDE!


MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM the ZWR FAMILY, YO! 

6 comments:

  1. I think I just had a mild stroke...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hit the "Page Down" button on your keyboard and near the end it's an unflinching JBo and Papelbawn.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I almost died when I saw Samuel give Chase the go sign. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL BOLARO IS SUSPENDO

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is AWESOME. esp. Willy V.

    ReplyDelete

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