Monday, December 19, 2011

Eagles Week Before Christmas Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Vick did a swell enough job or whatever what with his passes to Celek and his touchdown run and his not getting his body broken or throwing any passes into linemen’s butt cheeks. B+

CK: It’s fun when you watch the game with a bunch of people and Vick is running and everyone is going “slide...SLIDE...SLIDE!” and then out of nowhere someone goes “slide slide slippity slide...[mumbles the words wrong]” - it’s the greatest. Grade: B

DG: Remember after the dog fighting scandal broke and that one reporter pressed Vick about it and his entire response was, “Man, everybody love Mike Vick”? I loved that. A.




Running Back
ZWR: ShA+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+A+dy

DG: “[cues up replay] Watch this cut right here. Watch him make this cut. Ready? Watch him set this guy up. Here it comes. Here it comes. [Shady makes ridiculous cut] Did you see that cut. Wow.” A.

CK: Today I did the Shady McCoy TD dance at the coffee machine after my cup brewed. Probably going to do it after throwing out my lunch too. Makin’ records. Grade: A+ x infinity

Receivers
ZWR: Brent Celek certainly lived up to his Twitter background yesterday. Good job, donkey. Maclin and Ya Boi didn’t really have to do much, since we were winning a billionty to ten so quickly. B

CK: Looks like Mike Vick being back means limited duty for Riley Cooper. Also means winning. Is this a trade we really want to make? Both have their positive and negative points. I mean winning = why you play the game. But Riley Cooper = Riley Cooper. I’m torn. Sike. Grade: B

DG: I’ve made this analogy before, but Desean Jackson is like a mischievous puppy. He’ll do some great, cute stuff sometimes, but every now and then you’ll come home and he’ll have ripped the stuffing out of half your couch cushions for no apparent reason. B-

Santonio Holmes
ZWR: A+ Sick burn on that touchdown celebration bro you straight clowned us lololol keep ballin’ baby much respect

CK: Not only was his TD celebration moronic in that the Jets were down like 19 points, but it also was mocking Terrell Owens, who is not only no longer on this team but also hated. Holmes must smoke more ganja than we could ever know. Grade: ERF

ZWR: Like I said sick burn.

DG: When it comes to signing wide receivers who shoot themselves or show their ding-a-ling all over the Internet, the Jets are simply the best. D+

Offensive Line
ZWR: Vick didn’t die and Evan Mathis got a Jon Runyan penalty for spearing a guy standing next to a pile (which is always nice) B+

CK: Jason Kelce said the Hamcuzzi was “Better than Crack” while doing a Q&A on the Eagles Twitter feed. Grade: omg

DG: Howard Mudd. A

Christmas Cookies
ZWR: omnomnomnomnom A+ (h/t The Nag)

CK: Me and a bunch of bros drank beer and watched the game while all the babbies made cookies in the kitchen and kept bringing out taste testers, which brings me to this question: Why isn’t this done for every game? Grade: A+

DG: Shoutout to peanut butter cookies with melty Hershey Kisses in the middle. Keep doin’ you, fellas. A

Defensive Line
ZWR: Jason Babin has 18 sacks this season in real life. I don’t understand that at all. Can someone explain it to me, please? Juqua Parker Thomas played and scored touchdown, but the highlight of that was that he needed an oxygen mask afterward.

DG: Jason Babin looks like the guy in a movie who stands up to fight the main character in a bar after the main character said something that caused the music to come to an abrupt halt. B+

ZWR: "Did you just say that [dramatic pause] 'This town stinks'?!?!?!"

CK: BABIN SCHMABIN PHILIP HUNT LED THE TEAM IN TACKLES AND HAD A SACK YEAHHHH BOYYYYYEEEE. GRADE: A+++++

Linebacker
ZWR: They weren’t as awful as I expected them to be. Casey Matthews even was near a tackle that one time.


DG: CASEY MATTHEWS MADE A PLAY OR TWO! IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. B+

CK: Don’t you dare mock Casey Matthews. Casey Matthews is a man on fire right now. Casey - Grade: A; Everyone else - Grade: B-

ZWR: Oh no you didn't Brian Rolle gon' kick your ...

Defensive Backs
ZWR: Our guys are named Nnamdi, Dominique, Joselio, and Asante. A

DG: If we were just gonna let Kurt Coleman blow coverages and try to murder people with tackles, why couldn’t we have kept Brian Dawkins and let him Wolverine dance all over the field? This really bothers me. C.

CK: I love Asante. I think his teammates also love him. Did you see him doing the Shady TD dance, too? Ruled. Also, I saw Nate Allen at the mall last week. Grade: B+

Seafood Fra Diavolo
DG: OH! MADON’! A+



CK: get off my line counselor jk hi donger (Editor's Note: They get into this fight on Google Docs every week)

DG: Hiya Cranky big fan

CK: I like Seafood Fra Diavolo extra spicy and then dip the bread in the bowl nombi mmm scallops. Grade: nombi


ZWR: Giada Fra Diavolo. GABAGOOL.

Tim Tebow
CK: Dude what the heck how are you going to lose to the false prophet Tom Brady? Grade: Damnation (PS - bonus points for the Lindsey Vonn rumor thing)

DG: I bet Tim Tebow is secretly into really weird stuff like wearing a propeller beanie and making dolphin noises when he’s freakin’.

CK: By freakin’ you mean first base, right?

ZWR: Which of course brings us back to Riley Cooper


My Better Judgment
ZWR: No, I’m not at all imagining how we’re going to win the division or getting excited about watching Saturday’s game at my aunt’s house at all. D-

CK: Me neither. Not even a little excited about how we are going to beat Dallas while I feast on a billionty fish and the Jets rock the Giants into bolivian and everything comes down to New Years Day this scenario does not excite me one bit and I refuse to buy into how much I like roller coasters. Grade: BaccalĂ 

DG: If the season extended well into March, the Eagles would be a real threat, youse guys.

ZWR: You’re the Grinch, Guerrero.

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